new and need to vent

This is my first time ever posting on anything like this. Since I try not to vent to my wife while she's on tougher rotations (she's currently in residency), I figured I'd check out another avenue where someone might understand. I'm currently an MD/PhD student in my grad school years, at a school in another state from where my wife is in residency. We've been married less than 2 years and have yet to be able to live together full time. We even went to med schools in different states (we met in undergrad). Despite the perpetual long-distance nature, my wife has never once driven to see me; it's always been up to me. When I'm gone, she stays with my parents, who live in the same town as her training program, and they cook meals for her, do her laundry and the like. When I get in on the weekends, the same dishes that were in the sink the week before are still there, plus mold, and the same trash is in the trashcan and now the whole house smells. The same dirty laundry pile is still there -- though often it has gotten larger, and the clothes that I had put in the wash are now mildewed because they were never moved to the dryer. All simple things that themselves would take less than a total of 30 minutes to do that for some reason she has never had that moment of "let me take care of that right now." I'm trying to be supportive and understanding, but surely there are residents out there handling a lot more than that, right? I don't think she's even gone to the grocery store by herself when I'm gone.

The newest headache for me has been that I'm writing my dissertation now and could feasibly be finished and ready to return to med school this summer, but she wants me to put it off for another year so she can can start fellowship where I am when I would be in 3rd year. This makes sense of course, but I think I'd be more sympathetic if she would help bear the burden of travel at all. Am I being unreasonable? I feel entirely unappreciated and stifled and like I have the be the one to defer everything I want since I'm 'just in grad school' and she's in residency. I'll admit I know part of that is the fact that I'm a guy, but I'm sure that are professional women out there getting dumped on too!

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this beyond simply getting it out of me, but hey, any advice for staying sane through a long-distance spouse's residency?

[SoonerTexan]

Welcome! You came to the right place. My husband just started med school and I work full time--nothing like the difficultly of your situation, but we've had to have the "I'm not your damn maid" discussion (by discussion, I mean I yell this at him until he gets the idea and shapes up) a few times already and we're only 6 months into marriage & med school.

Actually, your situation is a lot like my in-laws. They both went to med school, and my MIL was one year ahead. (I've written about this topic many times). There was definitely a struggle there--FIL didn't like to clean I think their situation could have been made better by improving their communication, but that might not be an issue for you. Good luck and stick around!

[scrub-jay]

Welcome! I think you will find solace here. My husband is entering his 3rd year in just a few months, so I don't have any advice yet other than post often. You'll like this group. Congratulations on nearly completing your dissertation!!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! You are definitely in the right place - we get it! I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all, even for a resident. My husband is in residency, and he does plenty of chores. It doesn't sound like she has a really clear idea of what has to be done to maintain a household. Maybe you could try making a list of basic chores and divide them up so she knows what needs to be done?

The travel is also hard. Maybe you could start by planning something fun for a weekend she has off, like getting tickets to a local college theater performance or a concert?

I wish you luck - it's got to be difficult with both of you having busy schedules and the long distance. Post often, we'd love to get to know you better!

[Meenah]

Are you saying that she leaves your home if you aren't there, and stays with your parents in the same town? Leaving all of the chores to be done by you when you return? If this is the case, you are not being unreasonable. You and your parents are enabling her to dump on you (IMO). I'm glad you found this site, you will get alot of support here.

[Michele]

Welcome. We did med/vet school together and who ever had the lightest schedule at that moment did whatever chores had to be done. And some times we just had to suck it up and do it exhausted or recognize that it was gonna have to wait.

I would feel taken advantage of in the situation you describe. Planning something for time off in your local might be a way to jumpstart things.

[diggitydot]

Welcome!

I think The Great Chore Debate is about communication and managing expectations.

We've been married for a very long time and I'm at-home with our kids while DH is in his final year of residency. We had discussions LONG ago dispelling his notions of the Dish Fairy and Laundry Fairy. Even though I'm home and have loads more time at my disposal, he doesn't get a pass on being a slob. Honestly, he doesn't do much around the house for daily upkeep, but stays busy with miscellaneous projects around the house. We have three kids who are all old enough for chores so keeping up on things isn't horrible, but he is expected to do his part to not make it worse.

It's awesome that she's so close to your parents, but she's using them as an excuse to not deal with whatever needs to be done at your home. Which I get. If I could avoid dishes and laundry, I'd be jumping on that train, too. But we kinda lose that ability when we become adults who like to live sans vermin.

[houseelf]

Welcome, we speak your language here!

[Vanquisher]

So, I know that you are in grad school, and she is in residency, so money and time are probably both pretty tight. I do not think what you are asking of her is unreasonable. However, it might be to her.

How demanding is her residency? What specialty program is she in? How far is the travel?

I know for my husband, in his last year of residency and other times when he had away rotations, there was very little travel on either of our parts to see the other. For him it was because his schedule didn't permit it. For me, it was because I was taking care of a family and kids that were in school and needed to be in the same place. That doesn't seem to be what is going on here. I would really take a step back and disect how much free time your wife really has. Is she spending ALL of her "free" time studying, researching, or sleeping? Is she spending a good chunk of time on hobbies? If the latter, then she clearly needs to step it up to a small degree. I definitely think she could at least try to make 15-30 minutes a week to help out.

That said, if her sanity, your sanity and your marriage is going to continue to be smacked by this issue, I would consider hiring a cleaning lady to come in for a couple of hours once or twice a week. If your find someone through a service like care.com, or a personal recommendation, it won't cost as much as a company, and they'll be more likely to handle dishes and laundry and other chores, not to mention scrubbing toilets, floors, and showers.

It sounds like you and your wife need to talk and make a plan to tackle this together. If everything else in your marriage is as good as it can be considering the difficult circumstances, then I think you can work through this. I don't think you should put off your dissertation for a year though. What are you hoping to match in eventually? What is her fellowship going to be in, and does she have the spot in your town locked down? I will say that it is a lot easier to tackle these issues when you can see each other more frequently.

Good luck. You've found some kindred spirits here. Post often.

[Pollyanna]

Welcome!!

[v-girl]

Welcome! My hubby did the MSTP as well. We had kids in the first two years so by the time residency came, there were two in elem and an infant. I didn't last long working my full time job after residency started (tried a part time job too). When I quit working altogether, my husband was still not allowed to not help around the house.

I am sorry your wife is doing this. I like the idea of a basic chore list.

I don't think I'd wait to defend your thesis. I'm not sure why she can't do a fellowship at your school while you do 3rd and 4th years. But it's early and I haven't had caffeine yet.

[MDPhDWife]

My husband is a mudphudder as well!

We've had many, many disputes over the division of labor in our home over the years so I can relate to feeling taken for granted. We ended up creating a chore board specifically listing who is responsible for what. While I still do the lions share of the chores, understandably so since my work isn't as demanding time wise, I do expect my husband to contribute to the upkeep of our home. So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I am a little confused however about where your wife currently lives. Is she living with your parents? Are you maintaining two households?

[JC76]

No advice, because I never figured out how to solve this problem in my own marriage. We got married fall of his first year of medical school. I had a highly demanding job at the time, which also turned into a 2-hours each way commute when we moved to be closer to his med school. I made the mistake of being a martyr and doing everything myself from the start because he just simply refused to help out claiming he had zero free time. By the time we reached residency, the pattern was established and it has caused many a fight over the last several years.

At it's worst, we were fighting about it so much about it that I finally just told him - fine, I'll stop pushing him, but if things don't change drastically immediately upon his finishing residency, I'm outta here. Obviously we're not poster-children for healthy marital communication and problem solving.

I tell you this only because I want you to know that you're not alone. Whenever I read about other people's spouses on here who willingly help out around the house, who tell them all the time how much they appreciate what the non-doctor spouse does... I'm sad, and mystified, because no amount of negotiation, talking, pleading, crying, yelling, threatening on my part ever made my spouse see that he needed to share responsibility with me. I have no idea how non-married residents live. All I know is that most who are married must have a pretty sweet deal.

Good luck. Welcome to the site. You really will find a ton of support and good, solid advice here - in addition to empathy. Finding this site 2 years ago was a lifeline for me when I reached a real low point. It truly improved my marriage, simply because I realized that our situation wasn't unique.

Thank you all! I'm sure pretty much everyone on here understands how even the simplest notion of others in the same boat can be comforting. I'll try to address most of your questions, though since our situation is unique, for now at least I'm going to shy away from specifics since it would be very easy to figure out exactly who we both are with a little bit of information and I'd like to preserve a touch of anonymity

So let's see... she's in her second year of internal medicine. The whole issue with my delaying a year comes from the back end of my med school. Well, that and next year. She's still got that last year of residency to go, and if I start next year, with both of us working 80 hours a week, that makes it pretty tough for us to see each other at all. Our schools are several hundred miles apart, so when either one of us would have a day off, I doubt we'd enjoy spending most of it on the road! We've agreed that the long-distance thing is killing us and we're not going to do it again after she finishes residency, but if I were to start back in med school next year, that would put me finishing up when she would still have 1-2 years of fellowship left to do. The specialties I'm looking at mostly aren't that strong at my school, but they're not offered anywhere else in about a 300-mile radius! So what we're up against is 1) delay defending for a year or be apart next year, then 2) having to choose between being together during my residency or going after the best training for me. For her residency, and even her fellowship (assuming the second match works out!) as my school has a strong program in what she's looking at, we chose the latter. As a future MD/PhD, I'll be going into academic medicine, and the harsh reality is that where I do residency has a major impact on where I'll be competitive for a faculty position, so going elsewhere makes the most sense from a career standpoint. Of course, spending several years apart makes the least sense from a marriage standpoint. So please forgive my research-speak for a moment, but in looking to optimize the results of being together the most and having the most flexibility for my residency, delaying a year unfortunately is the best option. If you followed all of that without the diagram I normally have to draw out for everyone, you are amazing!

So other questions people had... Yes, I'm pretty much maintaining two households right now. We do have a place where she is, but she would rather be around people when I'm gone since she has the option. So when I pack up to head out, she does too! I haven't spent more than two straight weeks in one place since our honeymoon! We've made it a priority to be able to see one another, so this is really just what it takes right now.

Again, thanks for all of your encouragement! I'm glad I found this place!

[bobk]

Sorry to hear of your troubles - the long distance thing must really suck. I often get frustrated with my own circumstances (SAHD with two kids, all household tasks, work part-time from home), but I don't really direct it towards my wife for the following reasons (in no particular order):

1) She has absolutely zero control over her schedule. It's residency and everybody has to go through it. So it's not like she's chooses to work more or take on more responsibility. It is what it is (for now anyway). Even though I have a lot of responsibility and zero free time, I have almost full control over my day-to-day schedule. If I want to take a 20 minute power nap, run an errand, or do something fun with the kids, I just do it. The resident doesn't have those luxuries.

2) She doesn't goof off. In the few brief hours at home each day she usually has dinner with us, may have to do something work related (touch base with a colleague, look something up), will get ready to leave early the next morning, and tries to spend some quality time with the kids. It doesn't bother me much to do more house work during that time. If she were watching TV, going to the gym, or going out with friends, it would be a different story.

3) If for some reason I'm not home, she'll do all her own laundry, cooking and cleaning. There's no expectation that it will just be left for me to take care of.

4) Even though we're exposed to a lot of the lifestyle, I still think it's hard to put yourself in the shoes of a resident. I'm not so sure I'd be able to cope. I've worked a few 80-hour weeks and it wasn't pretty. It's hard to imagine doing that all the time for years, not to mention the heavy responsibility of life-or-death decisions made in the hospital. I'd say that all things considered, she deals with it quite well.