Hello Everyone! Dating an MD/PhD

Hey Everyone!

First off, it has been WONDERFUL reading all the threads of girlfriends and wives who have survived the medical school challenges they are presented with by their significant others. THANK-YOU FOR THIS WEBSITE!

Here is my situation: I am currently dating an M-2 (he started yesterday). We have been dating 8 months next week, and we have had a very unique set of challenges.

I JUST finished my first year of medical school and I can honestly say that I REALLY did have NO life of my own lol. I met my boyfriend in medical school...he was an MD/PhD candidate finishing up his final research to complete his PhD this fall and he was also my TA for one of my classes. He took Anatomy with me and it was his last M1 class (at the school we attend you take your M1 classes during the 5 years you get your PhD)

Needless to say, while I was in med school I decided I wanted a PhD too and I got into the program. So last semester we didn't have much time to see each other because he had PhD work to finish and I had M1. We struggled a bit but we just loved the rare times we could spend together so much that we pushed through and the summer has been absolutely wonderful.

Now I am pausing medical school for 5 years to do PhD work and has finished PhD work and begun M2. He has NO idea how to study the way that I did, and I have NO idea how to be innovative and "researchy". I have done NOTHING but fear this moment, because as other people have commented, even if you have your own life, NOTHING compares to those moments with the one you love. And worst off, even if you do have tons of things to do your schedule may allow you to communicate more than he can. Because in M2 there is NO way you can respond to texts when you are studying 12 hours a day.

I understand this because I was a traditional M1, but at the end it doesn't matter because you can literally drive yourself crazy pondering over the future and whether things are going to work. I love him so much and he does too; and we may talk for 15 minutes a day via texting but as long as I know he still misses me I'm in it for the long haul.

Tomorrow we are going on a "date night" because he couldn't do it today due too many studying obligations. So I stood at lab until 9 o'clock. Yes this helps.

So how am I coping? Working hard, pushing the negative thoughts out when they come and focusing on the next "couples time", focusing on how incredibly amazing he is and how proud I am of him and how much I want to help him reach his goals, and ABOVE all giving him some space and minimizing his stress. Because as someone who has been through a year already, it is STRESSFUL. Probably the most stressful year I have been through in my entire life. And from what I've heard M2 is the worst.

Whoever posted about studying together, even if you don't have anything to study was AMAZING. AND RIGHT. You can bet that when USMLE 1 comes around I will be right there holding his flashcards.

I guess I'm most concerned with whether he will become less interested in me as we spend less time together. But in the end, I believe everything happens for a reason. Not to mention that I am also slightly regretting not going into M2 this year to get a PhD. If I hadn't decided to do this we would have finished medical school together. Now he's done in 3 years, and I will still have another 5 to finish here when he leaves for residency.

I know these are unique circumstances, but anyone's advice would help...what year was the worst in your opinion? And particularly, has anyone done long distance for a long time? These next 3 yrs will fly by and I need to know how to be a good long distance girlfriend to a intern/resident. Thanks so much!!!!

[v-girl]

Welcome! I have no answers because DH & I were married almost a year and had a baby on the way when he began his journey (9 long years just for the MD/PhD). I worked. He studied. As for the hardest year? 3rd year. And not just because by then we had two in elementary school.

[diggitydot]

We have several spouses/SOs who are also medical professionals, as well. There's a huge fountain of knowledge and experience to tap. OK, maybe not from me because I don't go in for the gooey shit, but there are others here who will get it.

Welcome to the group!

[MDPhDWife]

I'm married to a Mudphud who is currently an intern. Like V-Girl, we also had a different set of circumstances than yours. We were married during MS1 and already had babies during the research years. His MD/PhD took 10 years, but I can relate to doing the flashcard thing while he studied for step 1. For us, third year was also the most challenging, but that was nothing compared to how rough intern year has been thus far. There are several others here who have done or are currently doing the long distance thing, so I'm sure they'll weigh in. Stick around and post often!

[diggitydot]

Ugh. 3rd year. :shudder: I had effectively blocked out that crapfest.

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! It'll be great getting your perspective on stuff! I agree about 3rd year... Ugh, go away, repressed memories!!!

[lovelight]

Welcome! DH and I did three years of long distance while he was in med school. I honestly don't even remember if ms2 or ms3 was worse because I'm now living in the lovely pgy1 year, which as mdphdwife mentioned, trumps it all. Good luck to you!

[Deebs]

Welcome! DH did a straight MD, but I think the difficulty in years depends on the school and the student. For us, med school was more time-intensive than residency. Residency was, however, more stressful. There were no hour restrictions, so DH worked more than 80 hours a week as a rule. I think third year was the most challenging, but many med students have talked about 4th year being "easier." For us, it was not. DH's school had no residents so the med students acted like residents. While DH learned a ton, his pager truly became an electronic leash during M2 (when he first started having patients, in addition to his didactics), all the way through graduation. During DH's M3 I started pursuing a Masters degree because I was living in the library with him when he wasn't with patients, and needed to be busy, so I worked a 60 hour a week job, and then completed a degree designed to be completed at night in four years, all in two year's time. It was crazy, but definitely made the time easier. I think you pursuing your own studies will help a great deal.

[GrayMatterWife]

Your circumstances aren't all that unique. As it's been mentioned, several people here were marries on Mudphuds and had demanding circumstances. DH and I married a week before he started as a MudPhud. During three his nine years, I went to law school and for the year after law school, I moved 900 miles away for a job. And we had our first child toward the end of his schooling.

Yeah, it can be exhausting and it sucks to be broke all the time, but it is definitely not impossible. Besides, if you think the MudPhud years are bad, just wait--if you think you don't see a lot if him now, just wait until residency. Or when he has a real MD job while he is also trying to manage a lab. Hahaha!

[MrsPotts]

Welcome!! It seems like it will be tough, but it also sounds like you are both committed. If you both stay committed, it will work out for you.

[corn poffi]

Look on the bright side, since you're both mudphuds, it might be nice to have somebody to commiserate with!

I agree with what MrsPotts said, it might not be pretty, it will not be easy, but if you both stay committed, you'll be good.

[MarissaNicole]

and nice to meet you!

[Cinderella]

Hi and Welcome!

We did the long distance thing. We were friends during his medical school years and that grew into something more during his last year and then we were married somewhere during his last year and into his residency. After his residency he had to serve his compulsory military duty so we had more long distance for another three years. We had to go through the US immigration process as well during this time so I just kept busy with finishing my college degree and living my own life. We were committed to each other. Long distance is a really difficult thing but when it's your best friend and fiance/spouse it's something special and becomes very important to you. I struggled with a lot of up and downs but when I focused on my own life and achieved everything I set out for myself I did the best and it kept me busy during all the waiting and traveling back and forth for visits. Now we're together and that's a different dynamic of the relationship. He's studying for his USMLE here in the States and I'm focusing on my career. We haven't really gotten around to starting a family because it's a huge responsibility and we know it would change everything for us.

I can say I wasn't really aware of how medical school and training years affect relationships. I attributed many of the things that came up due to long distance. After finding this website I can look back in hindsight and understand much of the things you'll be facing long distance or in person is specific to the medical profession. I'm not looking forward to having to go through all that again with him being a foreign doctor and the process they have to go through to become a doctor in the States. You're lucky you found this website early for the support you can have here. I hope that you stick around.

[Michele]

We did med and vet school together. I put residency on hold for him and to have kids. I'm pretty much never going to do a residency now. While I sometimes mourn the "loss of my career" I wouldn't trade my life for it in the slightest. My life is good. Training is over.

[reciprocity]

Welcome! My wife and I were married before her M2 year (which they do before the PhD - although I think I like the way your program does it better)

She's hopefully going back to M3 within the next 6-8 months or so.