New from NYC

Wow. Grateful barely scratches the surface of how I feel to have found this place, after searching for what seems like forever for some kind of support group. I guess I should start with a little background.

My name is Molly, I'm 24 and married to a 2nd year medical resident. We are both native New Yorkers, and we moved to Brooklyn immediately after our wedding (June 2001) as my husband was completing medical school here and matched for residency here at the end of our first year of marriage.

As I'm sure many of you can relate, it sometimes it seems like I am no more significant than a piece of furniture in my own home. My husband's career is his priority, something that I find very hard to tolerate but which I have slowly adjusted to. I know that he puts as much time and effort into our marriage and relationship as his schedule allows, but it often seems so unfair - shouldn't it be the other way around? That he puts as much time and effort into his job as our marriage allows? I don't know. It is hard for me to draw the line between unsympathetic and unfair. I can't begin to understand the kind of stress he feels every day - though I do try to - and I work full time at a busy financial services company in Manhattan, plus I maintain the house, bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. and take care of our dog, so I am often left wondering, if I can do all that PLUS find the time to "relate," why can't he?

I feel like I've only just begun to vent... but don't worry I'll save the rest for another time. He is working now, his schedule has him working 7 days a week from 1 PM to 12 AM so we are quite literally ships passing in the night, as I am usually asleep by the time he gets home, and he is always out cold when I leave at 7 AM!! We love each other very much but sometimes I look at this life and wonder if it's what I really want for myself...

Sorry to dump all this on you without even knowing anyone! I am so happy to have found this group and I hope others can understand what I am going through - the good and the bad - and have some advice or experiences to share. I look forward to "meeting" you all!!

~Molly~

[SuzySunshine]

Molly,

Welcome to the group - can I ask which program your husband is in? My husband is getting ready to start residency interviews and hopes to get interviews at both Cornell and Columbia.

Feel free to vent about anything at anytime, we are all here to listen (read) and help when we can! Welcome!

[houseelf]

Molly,

You wrote that you sometimes felt that you were passing ships in the night, you felt that your marriage was sometimes unbalanced, and that it was tough to have his job be his first priority. Wow, you have just named several of the all to common themes of this board. You have found a place called home. Hopefully, I can offer this little nugget of hope...it gets better. Five years into a medical marriage I can honestly say that we have hit some rough patches and we are stronger for it.

We are glad to have you. Stop in anytime and vent, chat, read, whatever. You will feel understood here.

Kelly

Thanks for the welcome.

Cheri my husband is a PGY2 at Downstate, a university program in Brooklyn. He rotates through 3 different hospitals throughout the year and the schedule is definitely diffcult.

Kelly there have been times when I've wanted to give up, but I've heard from so many people that "it gets better" and "one day you'll look back and laugh" at these years. Well, I doubt I'll ever "laugh" at the memory of these rough times but I am confident things will get better.

For now it is wonderful to have someplace to GO!!

~Molly~

[Auspicious]

Welcome! Wow, an actual native New Yorker--rare breed! I myself am a midwestern transplant. Here you've come seeking support and already I'm thinking about all the advice I'll probably ask you (and suwanee) for as we progress through the program.

You're several years ahead of us, so I have no residency advice to offer, except to point out that it sounds like one of the major advantages of your situation is that you'll still be relatively young when he finishes training (how many PGY years is he planning on doing?) so when things do finally get better, you'll still have time to do all the things you want to do with your life and relationship. I'm happy for you on that point, and wish that was our situation.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[fluffhead]

Hi Molly,
I'm originally from Queens, have lived in Manhattan too. Now in CT, suffering through residency
Welcome! Some days are better than others, but we'll manage to get through!
Vent away, that's what the keyboard is for.

[Meenah]

Welcome home Molly!!!!
Luanne

Hello from one native New Yorker to another! I'm now in DC with my husband, who is a first year Infectious Diseases fellow. Welcome to the boards -- it's a great place to be!

Jill

[DCJenn]

Welcome!

I'm a DC native, thankfully home for three years. (OK-now we really need to plan the EAST COAST meeting!)

This site is a lifesaver- I found this during my husband's internship year and- well, he's a fellow, we're in DC and most importantly- we're still married!

Post anytime, about anything- we've got enough people here that someone will absolutely know what you're going through.

Jenn

I can relate

Hi Molly,

I can totally relate. At this point I can only commiserate since I'm in the midst of the same problems. As a native New Yorker myself, all I can say is be happy you're still connected to the city. At least you can walk out your door and feel the city's energy. I'm sitting in the burbs of LI. It's not horrible, but it can be lonely. I'm from the East Village originally. Where are you from?

Good luck. I'll be reading your posts for ideas that will help me as well.

Dylansmom

I grew up in NJ but moved to the Murray Hill area in college and pretty much stayed there until we got married 2 and a half years ago. You're right, I am definitely thankful for the "company" of the city, but the honest truth is that some days it is hard to see very many things to be thankful for!! I'm sure you can relate.

Where on LI are you now? What program is your SO in?

Welcome, Molly! Yes, we are here for each other and it will get better just take one moment at a time. One piece of advice I can share with you is give away what you want. For example, if you want more love, give more of it. If one day you desire roses, buy them for your husband. The response from him is breathtaking. If you would like to receive a love note, leave one for him (on the pillow when he comes home from work is a good thought ). He will treasure it and you both will get so much out of it. These simple things always help to keep the spark going and medical marriages need all of the creativity in a marriage that's available.
Again, welcome aboard.