Hello, i'm new here and i have lots of questions

I'm happy i found this forum. I have been searching for a forum like this. My story, I've been with a Anesthesiologist( owns a private practice) for close to a year. It has been a rough journey for 2 reasons POOR communication skills from his part, and i swear most physicians suffer from some type of behavioral or mental condition. I sometimes thing he has Aspergers. I have a brother who is a surgeon, and acts like my SO. Anyway i hope to get feedback from others on how to deal with him. There's been times, i want to give up, but felt guilty because he is such a sweet person when we are together. I work in the healthcare field myself around doctors and swore i will never date one, because i know how they treat their wives, i need lots of attention and i just can't comprise on that. When i met him, he came up to me, and we spoke he told me he was a physician and i didn't believe him until later on. I was honest and told him some physicians suffer from the "I'm God" complex and i hope he is not one of them. As an extrovert, i enjoy going out and having fun and enjoying myself and socializing and well, i swear most of physicians are introverts/ loners. He is an introvert and tries to hide it unsuccessfully. Oh i'm extremely opinionated and don't hold back when he behaves poorly. I'm highly educated myself with double masters. They are days i'm surprised he still continues to want be with me, considering he could be with a woman who is extremely submissive and kiss the floor he walks on. He is a very attractive man and more importantly sweet and caring in his own way. But those years of training in the medical school really affects their relationship skills.

I'll stop now i could go on and on

Anyway i'm happy to be here and to post my questions from time to time

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! I'm married to an anesthesiologist. Yes, lots of doctors have a god-complex, but there are plenty of good people who go into the profession. I would be more concerned that he treats you well and you enjoy your time together when he's off work. I had to laugh at the comment about being submissive and kissing the ground... I can assure you that description doesn't fit around here! We put them in their place when they start to get a big head!

[diggitydot]

I had to laugh at the comment about being submissive and kissing the ground... I can assure you that description doesn't fit around here!

Word. I don't know a single med spouse who fits that description, here or IRL.

Stick around. You'll learn a lot.

[peggyfromwastate]

My dh dated a girl like that-- über submissive. It was just before I met him. Lol. THAT was a culture shock to him--- how non submissive and non impressed I was lol. I think I was the first woman to really call him out on anything!!

Anyway- welcome-- always nice to hear from attending spouses.

[GrayMatterWife]

I'm married to a NSG. I know a lot of surgeon-wives and surgeon-husbands. I honestly don't know ANYONE who is married to a surgeon and is "submissive" in the sense that they have no opinion and let their spouse walk all over them. I am sure they are out there, I just haven't met any!

Not to confuse "submissiveness" with "willing to compromise." EVERY spouse of a NSG that I know is very willing to compromise and move the chess board around, in an attempt to get everyone's needs met the best that they can be.

[Vanquisher]

All the female med spouses I know are strong, intelligent, powerful women who hold everything together in complex ways. The male med spouses are probably even cooler.

I am sure there are submissive, and/or "trophy" wives out there, but I imagine they are few and lack longevity or substance.

You've found good peeps here.

[weeniegeniewife]

Word. I don't know a single med spouse who fits that description, here or IRL.

Stick around. You'll learn a lot.

Yep, so much word!!

Welcome, we're glad you found us.

[medpedspouse]

At the risk of sounding negative, I have to be truthful. I do not think submissive is a trait that will work in a medical marriage. As a medical spouse you have to be so many things to get through training and life in general...submissiveness would not work because the "dawkter" is counting on you to take care of everything (check out the number of threads on this topic alone). Regarding not being able to compromise on needing a lot of attention, are you looking for quantity or quality? You will probably never get the quantity (we never get enough time with them) and if you are like most of us, you will struggle getting the quality part because the physician is usually tired at best, passed out from exhaustion or getting paged on his day off. Having said that - I realize that I am being a debbie downer - I think you have a lot of great traits to help you as a medical spouse/SO...you seem outgoing, have your own career (and interests I assume) and not afraid to seek help since you found us. BTW - I am so glad you found us. You'll find us to be a straightforward yet supportive bunch. Post often so we can get to know you.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think what really drives me crazy is that as man, regardless of whether or not he is a physician, they are just certain things he ought to know when it comes to relationships. I don't expect him to know everything but the bare minimum like , women like attention! and lots of it. Even if some of this knowledge is foreign to him, just like he choose to attend medical school to become a good physicians for his patients, he should take the initiative to learn about how to be a better man for his partner ( read self-help books, go on youtube, read online articles ) whatever resources are available he should use it. Yeah, i'm not Ms Perfect myself. if i need to work on myself i read up on ways to be a better person. I agree that compromise is part of the game. BUT i should not have to make most of the compromises. It's as if he expects my schedule to be around his because he is a physician. NO! I work and i'm pursuing my goals as well. He should make compromises too, it needs to be balanced. He is a man first and foremost and when he made the choice to pursue a relationship it meant he will have to make some sacrifices, that's how life works. No body gets to have it all. If you want it all be with someone that says yes to everything you ask and never question your decisions. i know i shouldn't but i think about having children with him what that will be like. I read stories and hear of stories where they are children involved and the spouse( wife or husband) is at home raising the children 80% of the time. It's one thing if you are a stayed at home husband or wife, but even if that's the case it's not acceptable whether or not your a physician, CEO, Lawyer etc . Yes, he saves lives, but he is a man with needs and if he wants those needs met by a good woman he has to make sacrifices too. I'm sure everyone has figured by now, i have a very strong personality. I just can't help it and i know when to back down but there are just certain things that are just drive me nuts! I'm too the point where i mimic his behaviors that i don't like to see how it makes him feel especially the poor communication. Like a typical man he is not happy when i do to him what he does to me. MEN!

[diggitydot]

I think what really drives me crazy is that as man, regardless of whether or not he is a physician, they are just certain things he ought to know when it comes to relationships.

There are a shit ton of clueless peeps out there who have little, if any, understanding of healthy relationship dynamics. Has zero to do with their profession or education levels.

I don't expect him to know everything but the bare minimum like , women like attention! and lots of it.

Gross overgeneralization. There are loads of women who are not high maintainence. Yours truly, included.

BUT i should not have to make most of the compromises.

Everyone in every relationship compromises in some way. Some make more than others. That's how relationships function. Being part of a couple where one person has a time intensive career means that some subjects won't have much wiggle room. It comes with the territory.

Keeping track of which person does more or less compromising is a recipe for a failed relationship.

i know i shouldn't but i think about having children with him what that will be like. I read stories and hear of stories where they are children involved and the spouse( wife or husband) is at home raising the children 80% of the time. It's one thing if you are a stayed at home husband or wife, but even if that's the case it's not acceptable whether or not your a physician, CEO, Lawyer etc .

Slow your roll, sister. You've been dating the dude for about a year, want ALL of his attention (even more than he is currently giving), and don't think he's flexible enough with his schedule.

Neither of you are anywhere near kids.

Becoming a parent doesn't mean life ends and that one spouse must be at-home with the kiddos at all times. It means life changes DRASTICALLY.

Many med spouses have their own careers. When they decide to have kids, they weigh their options and make te decision that best suits their family's needs. Sometimes that means that one becomes an at-home parent. Sometimes that means they utilize daycare/nanny/family members to help out/etc. There is no "one-size-fits-all".

I'm too the point where i mimic his behaviors that i don't like to see how it makes him feel especially the poor communication. Like a typical man he is not happy when i do to him what he does to me. MEN!

Passive-aggressive behavior isn't really helpful. Talk to him. If that doesn't do the job, move on. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't respond to straightforward conversations about their relationship.

[ladymoreta]

It sounds like you're at a difficult stage in your relationship. A year of dating is a good amount of time to evaluate whether you are happy with your relationship. Let's assume for now that he isn't planning on changing his personality or career dramatically. Could you be happy married to him as-is? Chances are, he's already the man he will be 30 years from now. The important question is, do you want that to be your husband in 30 years? Is this what you want for your marriage?

I don't mean to discourage you. Look at us - we've all chosen to marry and stay with our spouses in spite of the difficulties. It can be worth it if you're with the right person. But we all miss them, and we all would love more time together. They just rarely have that much say in their schedules.

[ides]

I just want to throw out there that medicine by default is NOT a flexible career. It's demanding and often one can not be flexible with their schedule. It sucks but it is what it is.

By the way, welcome!

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2

[niener]

*Ditto* to what everyone else has said.

There's an "I need lots of attention" theme in everything you're saying, and to be completely honest I can't see that going over well in a medical marriage. It's nothing personal, they just don't have the time for that. Every relationship involves compromise and in medical relationships that compromise almost always involves time. If you're not happy with the amount of time he's been spending with you over the past year, that's probably not going to change. You're frustrated and I completely get that. But there are certain things that just come with the territory.

he should take the initiative to learn about how to be a better man for his partner (read self-help books, go on youtube, read online articles ) whatever resources are available he should use it.

I had to laugh at this. I can't imagine my DH ever YouTubing "how to be a better husband". I would never think to google "how to be a better wife". Here's the thing: people are people; people have quirks, habits, tendencies that sometimes we like and sometimes we don't like and a lot of the time it has little to do with their profession or gender and more to do with just their personality. Not all men suck. Not all doctors suck. Figure out what is specific about your relationship that is troubling you and whether or not it's something that can be worked on. Communication skills can be worked on. Increasing the quantity of time together probably can't. Wanting everything to be 50/50 probably can't either.

ETA: And welcome to the site! There isn't much this collective group hasn't been through.

[TigerLily]

These people have good advice.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Welcome!