Newbie looking for any advice and support

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! I can't imagine long distance long term either, but I agree that I wouldn't move my business without a commitment. Have you been able to take any vacations together? Maybe after his busy season, you could get away together and catch up?

P.S. I love you, diggitydot...

[MrsSz]

P.S. I love you, diggitydot...

+1!!


Welcome.. you're among friends here!

[niener]

Welcome! Sounds like y'all have a good thing going but long distance sucks hard. The only time we had to do long distance, I remember Skype/Google video chat being super helpful.

Yeah, long distance sucks. DH and I spent our entire engagement, and then some, living 4+ hours from each other.

Obviously, things *would* be easier if you guys lived nearer one another, but keep in mind that his schedule isn't likely to change, like... Ever. Whether you live together or really far apart, being in a relationship/marriage with a surgeon is going to mean that you're on your own a lot. And if you do start a family, you'll likely be a " semi- single" mom. As long as you realize that and are OK with it, then you should be good..

[PrincessFiona]

I don't know if I'd go with "disgruntled". Definitely disillusioned, though.

Welcome to the crapfest. We speak your language.

LOL Wendy!

Welcome to the group. We all get it!

Kris

[Curegirl]

Long distance sucks. I'm relearning this on a weekly basis. I'm sorry!

[Flynn]

Welcome!

Patience IS a huge theme here. How perceptive of you!

Also I would encourage you to lower your expectations a few notches and not feel badly about it. Your boyfriend's schedule is unpredictable, in addition to being both an emotional and literal time suck. Figure out the minimum of what you need in the communication department to feel fulfilled in this relationship, talk to him about it, and then see what happens.

I get the self doubt part. Once upon a time I used to think that if DH dug me as much as he showed me when he was out of the hospital, he would communicate this to me more. What I failed to realize for years was that first and foremost, his job is NIRVANA to him. More often than not "IT" gets the best of him. I'm not trying to sound negative here, just stating a fact. However, being his second favorite in the world was still pretty high on the food chain and not in any way a comment on ME as a person.

If you are in this for the long haul you need to understand that he will always be taking calls, leaving important outings, and at times be emotionally distant due to a frustrating complication or a death. There is NO end to this. Ever. Try not to take this personally! It's really NOT about you ...at all! Resetting your expectations to something reasonable "for a surgeon" to maintain was crucial for me. He doesn't have a "normal" job. Why should he have to behave like a husband with a 9 to 5 job? Probably the hardest lesson for me to learn was that no matter what they say or how they act, being a surgeon is incredibly inflexible and will have to come first over the needs of wife and family more times than you are comfortable with. There are ways to balance this, but big occasions like funerals which are usually planned with a weeks notice at the most, will be missed by your SO and there is NOTHING you can do about it.

With all that being said, I get that it would be nice to hear from him more. I did residency and fellowship with my husband before texting was possible so there were weeks when I talked to him on the phone for no more than three minutes combined. Other forms of communication weren't possible. I'm not trying to sound like the grandma who says she " walked to school five miles in the snow both ways" ...just trying to add a bit of perspective to my thoughts. Towards the end of DH's fellowship I could send him a written message on his pager which felt like a huge gift. My friends who aren't in medicine still say "can you call him to confirm?" Well I can, but he's in the OR and won't be out for seven more hours or so....

Being married to a doctor, and specifically a highly specialized surgeon, is an extremely MIXED bag. There are HUGE trade-offs. I thought I had an iron clad self-esteem before I started dating my husband. Our journey together caused me to look in the mirror many many times and admit that while his job was beyond reasonable at times, I SIGNED UP FOR THIS WILLINGLY. How I personally dealt with the unreasonable times was a big factor in how our marriage shifted positively or negatively -- totally independent of my husbands actions. I had to put on my "big girl" panties more often than I would have liked and any thoughts I had that even lingered in the area of a "fairytale" relationship died long ago. I still feel like yelling "WHAT ABOUT ME" sometimes and dealing with my husband, whose choice of profession seems to encourage and foster self-involved behavior, is challenging even now.

Your questions are good ones, but only you can answer these for yourself. I know how hollow this sounds, but I hope what I have said is a tiny bit helpful...or at the very least, entertaining.

[Thirteen]

This sounds super jaded and bitter, but... If your expectations are low, then when they are exceeded, it's like going to Disneyland.

Trying to talk about things during residency didn't really work: there's never a good time, DH was always exhausted, asleep, or gone, etc.
Communication via text (or e-mail, to set up serious discussions for later) worked best for us. He really wasn't available by phone, ever. Even now, he's not really available all that much by phone.
I struggled with this immensely, until we moved for "the job," and I found my own fun routine. I do what needs to be done, and want I would like to do as a hobby, without him. I am the primary caretaker of finances, our son, our pets, etc., and I accept it. If and when he's available, DH spends his time with us because it's precious.

My advice is much like what you've already received here. Medicine is a career that just doesn't lend itself to self-esteem boosts, unfortunately. Find something that you are joyful about, and if your SO can join, great! If not, it's okay, because you still got to do what you wanted to.
Find a good communication strategy, and stick with it.

And, repeat this mantra, should it be necessary: "Residency is not a pass to be an ass."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Curegirl]

Flynn and Thirteen, I just read your responses and thank you for your honesty...I know they were meant for the OP but I feel much better after reading about the expectations and communication. Two things that I've been struggling with. And I love the mantra! I guess we're still figuring out what method of communication works best for us.

[houseelf]

Flynn and Thirteen offered fabulous advice. As the wife of a specialty trained surgeon who endured 9 years of training with him while raising small children and working, I have to add the following nugget. Per Flynn and Thirteen's suggestions ITA with the proposition that you have to let a LOT, nay a ridiculous amount, of crap slide. Seriously, in order to make your relationship work, you have to let it go. Move forward. On your worst days you'll have to defend the suck lifestyle to well intentioned loved ones.
There really is nothing either of you can do about the suck and pretending otherwise is insanity.

On the other hand, be careful not to let TOO much slide. It is damn slippery slope and hard to undo post training. Don't undermine your relationship by giving up on yourself, your expectations, and your relationship requirements.

I know, I know, this is contradictory advice, but finding that middle ground is a moving target, for both the surgeon and the spouse.

Best of luck.

[hanginginthere]

Hi, I did the long distance thing when hubby was an intern- we were dating and got engaged that year and then married so I moved- but it was rough- I would make plans and then find out he couldn't go and had to pull call...it sucked but I understood...and I agree with the other ladies you learn to let things slide- and learn that celebrating events often has to be on a different day- birthdays, anniversaries- sort of the nature of the beast being with a surgeon...btw I have come to despise his pager- I have considered letting our toddler play with it and drop it in the toilet- but he said he'd just have to get another one...sigh...My only advice is to let some of the stuff slide and be honest about the stuff that you feel is really important and don't want to let slide...I learned to prioritize what I would get disgruntled about....but it is hard...I always tell him when he has to ditch me for work that it's a good thing I love him- on the other hand, it's not like he is going off to go party with the boys...hugs and hang in there!

[Curegirl]

I'm still learning what I should be giving him a free pass for a what I should be more stringent on. Long distance seems to make that more difficult. Bah humbug. But thank you ladies for the tips. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy but then realize that what I'm feeling isn't that unusual!

[SoonerTexan]

Welcome! I did the long distance thing too, but it was in high school and college summers, so we had the time to burn free nights and weekend minutes on the phone and it just isn't the same at that age. But it still sucks.