Another newbie

Hi all,

I'm actually not a wife and my boyfriend is not a resident yet. But reading through some of the posts has been very helpful for getting a feel of what might be ahead for us.

This is a stressful time for both of us as he is just starting his residency interviews. We've been together for 8 months-- long enough to care deeply for one and other, but not long enough to be able to make a life-altering decision together. The biggest issue is that before he met me, he intended on returning to Southern California. I live in Illinois (far less glamorous I know...) where he's finishing up med school. In his ideal world, I would start a new life with him in CA, but I can't do that, for too many reasons to list. And I don't know how to make him understand that it's not because I don't love him enough. At the same time, I would never ask him to stay here for me even though of course I want him to. I feel stuck- I'm trying as hard as possible to be involved in the process with him and be supportive while he decides what's right for him, but I'm also trying to detach myself to protect my feelings. I know it's hard on him too. Waiting is hard. The match process is cruel.

Anyway, I look forward to getting to know all of you. This is a great resource!

[migirl]

Welcome BumbleBee,

My husband is a 2nd-year urology resident and I am an engineer, we have been married for 3.5 years and live in Michigan. Yours sounds like a difficult situation to be in. There are many here who have moved to be with their SOs even though their new place of residence may not have been their first choice. As a medical spouse, if nothing else, you learn to live with sacrifices and compromise!

What is your boyfriend trying to match for? Is there any possibility that he might consider residency (and staying with you) in Illinois? Or have you discussed maybe staying together and trying the long-distance thing? My husband and I had a long-distance relationship for 2 years before we got married, and I know there are others here who have done the same, it's definitely not impossible. Good luck to you, let us know how it turns out.

perhaps you both could compromise and pick a neutral state? somewhere between the two? that is if you plan on making that "life altering" decision

Thanks for your replies. Jane, I guess that's the big question-- am I ready to make sacrifices? And it's something I have to think about even if he stays here and we eventually get married- I would need to be willing to pick up and move for him. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started going out with him!

He's matching into internal medicine, so it's not too bad, but he's planning to do a fellowship in GI right afterward, so from what I understand it's easier to do both at the same place. He feels a lot of pressure to decide the rest of his life at this very moment.

Yes he's considering IL (because of me), but his only real choices here are Northwestern (where he is now) and University of Chicago. I love CA and actually wouldn't mind ending up there one day, but I'm at an important foundation stage in my career (I'm a financial analyst) and I've made personal sacrifices for this particular job and I'm not ready to give it up. My position would not be easy in CA and with the job market now, I don't want to move there and be stranded with no friends, career, or family while he's working 80 hrs/week. And the kicker-- his family is in CA and they don't know about me! I'm less than thrilled about moving closer to the people who won't approve of the girl who's stealing their precious baby away from them.

Well that's a mouthful...

-Esther

[Auspicious]

Yup, this is a toughie.

I met my boyfriend in late March (2001) and by January he was flying all over the country interviewing at various med schools he'd applied to. At that point our relationship was serious (we'd each already had a profound impact on the other) but not yet committed (neither of us knew if we'd be able to work things out or if we'd still be together at 80). I began making mental plans for all possible outcomes, but what I really hoped was that somehow things would become clearer to me between January and August, when he would start school. Emotionally it was a very intense time--sorting through the early stages of a serious relationship is confusing enough without the added axe of doom hanging over it.

Your boyfriend doesn't have to turn in his rank order list until late February, right? By then your relationship will already be 50% longer than it is right now. And you'll have passed the one-year mark. Maybe the right course of action will become clearer to you than it is now. Or clearer to him.

My eventual plan was that if he moved to another city, I would begin looking for a job in that city but I wouldn't move until/unless I had a new job. In balancing out all the myriad needs and factors involved, that seemed like the right course of action, and in retrospect I think it probably was the best course available. I have no idea how that would have worked out, however, because he ended up going to school in the city where we already lived. Sometimes these things just work themselves out, I guess.

Good luck!

P.S. His family doesn't know about you?! Whoa.