Hope you guys can give me some advice...

[birdhouse]

Glad I found this site. I hope it helps prevent a divorce between my husband and I. My husband and I have been married 7 years, but known each other 16 years. We have 3 children (12, 4, 2). The oldest child is not biologically his, but he has raised him since my son was 2. He completed an MD/PhD and is in his last year of a Family Medicine Residency. He chose family because he wanted to have more time for his family. I thought this would be the easiest year, but it has become the worst. One added extra stressor for us is that his hospitals are all at least an hour away and we live in Chicago, where traffic is horrible, so that could mean 2 or more hours of a commute each day. We decided to remain where we were living during his Med School because we actually get free rent and board in exchange for being counselors to the undergrads. Since I have a Masters in Counseling, this seemed like an ideal situation. I can stay home and do that and take care of 3 children and he will have the commute. Things have been hard, especially on the days when traffic is horrible and he chooses to stay at the hospital instead of fight the traffic to come home and then have to be back up within hours to get back to the hospital. I also have taken on much more and teach adjunct course online for about 10 different schools (not at the same time), so I get resentful that I have to deal with the kids by myself and work. When he is home, I feel like he is dead tired and we do not get any real attention.

All of this has led to some very frustrating times for both of us. I don't feel he contributes enough to "us" and our relationship and he doesn't feel that I am ever satisfied...This is the closest we have ever been to a "seperation". He only has 6 more months before Residency ends, and we can barely stand to be around each other when we are, but miss each other when we are not. He is generally a very reserved person that does not share his feelings and I feel that he has become more and more introverted during this process. He puts on a happy face for his patients and his co-residents, attendings, but when he gets home we get the crabby side. I just don't think tht it is fair and I feel like I am losing him...His time away has made me so jealous, paranoid and suspicious that he is cheating on me. Every time I ask him, he thinks I am crazy and says things like, yes I am cheating on you with residency. He says it is no further than the truth and that he doesn't have time to cheat. He has never been one that I would ever have thought od would cheat, but he is not spending any time with me. When I try to get him to do things with me, he says he just does not have the energy. He gives all that he has to the kids. I understand that and I know that the kids need it more than I do, but it leaves me feeling void.

I know I am just venting, but I do not know what to do. I love this man more than anything, but can I really live attention-deprived? I know it is easy for some to just say it is just 6 more months...suck it up, but 6 more months of NO CONNECTION to my husband leads me to believe that we will not ever be able to recover.

I also sometimes feel like he may begin to feel that he may have more in common with the other doctors than me. Don't get me wrong, I am educated and intelligent as well (Law School, 2 Masters degrees), but I don't work a traditional 9 - 5 anymore, so I get jealous.

Please give me some words of encouragement...

Thanks for reading,
Desperate...

[MarissaNicole]

I'm sorry things are so rough! It sounds like you are at the end of your rope!

It's not easy to stay home and work 24 hours a day watching the kids with no break because your husband works all. the. time. It sounds like you could really use some adult time. Can you get out to work out, or just get out of the house? Is there someone who could watch your kids? I suggest this because right now it may be impossible to get additional time with your husband, but it may help you to do something for yourself!

I wish I had some better words of advice. You found a good place, we "get it."

[scrub-jay]

You've definitely come to the right place, we understand the "medical mistress" around these parts. I'm so sorry you are struggling right now, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. MN has some great ideas for establishing some "me" time, maybe that is worth a shot?

[birdhouse]

Thanks for that honesty We are VERY far away from all family, so that kinda sticks me with the kids The good part is that honestly, I have my days free because we have all the kids in pre-school/school. I know that I need to go work out and it will really help. Unfortunately, I am up against a huge deadline to develop some curriculm for an community college and it is due next week. All my days are spent working on that, without much engagement from others, so when my husband gets home, I want some adult attention that he does not have the energy to give.

I know I really need to find some time to do something I really enjoy...

The other frustrating aspect is that he did not get his Fellowship applications in on time, so he needs to start applying for jobs and that is SOOO scary for both of us. He has really never worked. He has ALWAYS been in training. Bachelors, PhD, MD...
The uncertainty of where we will live next year is crazy frsutrating as well.

Thanks for taking time to read my vent. It is good to know that there are others that are in the same boat and some of my emotions are at least normal.

Rikkisha

[Phoebe]

Hi. You both have a lot on your plate and young children. Everything you are saying is familar to those around here. You aren't alone. Take it day-by-day.

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group. We get it, I promise.

A crazy long commute on top of stupid long work hours is my personal ring of hell. I guarantee that your dude likes is less than you do. And Chicago traffic? Holy balls, it can be a soul sucking shitfest. I'd choose to stay on a shitty call room twin bed instead of driving through it, too.

Family medicine cam be an easier gig than other specialties, but that doesn't make it easy or even necessarily family friendly. There will ALWAYS be an issue of life/work balance. You're going to have to come up with a way to deal with it together.

Also, while you might immediately want/need his attention when you see him after a long absence, he may need to unwind and readjust his paradigm before being able to fully engage. You want him engaged with you and the kiddos, he may need some adjustment time to be able to give that to you. You two need to figure out a way to get both of your needs met. I promise that it's doable.

[birdhouse]

Thanks for that, diggitydot. I hope we can find the balance because I certainly don't want to lose him after all we have been through together. I know there are many of you that understand this drama. I am going to take some of your advice. I am going to go ahead and join that gym and make better use of my time instead of moping or being sad that I haven't even heard his voice in a couple days. I know that there are times when he may have a couple minutes to call me, but does not want to risk calling me and getting into a dramatic session when he only has a couple minutes, so he doesn't call. I need to get better about really appreciating the times he is around instead of using that time to complain about what he could have done and didn't...

Having a place to discuss this is so helpful!

Thanks guys...

[poky]

He puts on a happy face for his patients and his co-residents, attendings, but when he gets home we get the crabby side. I just don't think tht it is fair and I feel like I am losing him...His time away has made me so jealous, paranoid and suspicious that he is cheating on me.

This is the part that jumped out at me. No, it's not fair that he doesn't put on his happy face when he's home, but on the other hand, home is his SAFE place, where it's OK for him to be grumpy and frustrated. And he has plenty to be grumpy and frustrated about - that commute sounds beyond awful, and the stress of knowing he has to look for an actual job (while continuing to perform in his residency), when he's never worked before? That's a brutal amount of stress. It doesn't excuse his behavior at all, but it's certainly understandable. You've made it this far; in your shoes, I'd probably think about dropping some of my own outside obligations if they're not absolutely necessary, which would free up time to help with the job hunt and move. Do what you can to connect with him, but realize that this is just how this year is. Know that it WILL get better (but it won't necessarily be immediate, and will probably take some more work on both your parts). It's almost over, and you CAN do it; as someone said in the other thread, there are plenty of people here who will tell you that the last year of training is the *worst*; you're definitely not alone.

[birdhouse]

Thanks Poky. What is so interesting about your perspective is that he has said some if those same things that you have stated. He has said that at home he can be real and let his guard down. He is not always grouchy. He also has told me in several occasions that I need to let go of some of my commitments. He has said that adds to my stress and while the money is nice, we are in a decent (for a resident) financial position without room and bored expenses. We also get a stipend that almost covers our child are expenses so that I do have that break. I think the reason that I over-commit is because I just done want to end up in his shadow. That is my own issue. I know that he values me and recognizes my own intelligence.
After reading some things on this board, I have decided to ride out the rest of the year and focus on myself before we move. I hear the gym calling my name.
I am planning for a happier 2013, at least from my end. If I am happier when he gets home, maybe he will be able to relax and be happier.
Thanks again.

[Curegirl]

[v-girl]

Welcome! You've come to the right place.