Hi :) New Here!!

[medpedspouse]

Yikes...I sheepishly admit that now I'm sort of regretting signing up for this whole thing in the first place. I don't want to go so far as to say I regret my entire marriage but...maybe I shouldn't have been so gung-ho about "follow your medicine dreams!!" Hahaha...wow. If that's reality I think it's time for a regular dose of Xanax.

BTDT - The Xanax works great - too bad I could not get a refill. However, this forum of ladies and gents (yes, we do have some guys) has worked better.

[rainbabies]

LSW, good gawd, I love you. Spot on. And just for the record, I don't do capris anymore. Crops yes, capris no.
DD, so true about going home. We're home now, 3 years. It blows :-/

ETA: welcome!

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome! You've received kind of a rough welcome (not that we're not welcoming, just real!) so let share a different side.

You say your DH has connections at the hospital you want to go back to for residency - KEEP IN TOUCH with them! AT ALL TIMES! Unfortunately this is one of those things only he can do. I'm a big believer that if he can get back there for residency he'll have an easier time finding a job then if he goes somewhere else for residency and then tries to go back after residency/fellowship. Like several have said that is a highly saturated area. Not saying its a given but its a plus.

I'm going to send you a PM because I have a story to share that I'm not willing to put in the public area of the forums. Training is hard, medicine is hard but we get it and we're here to get each other through it. Hang in there and Welcome!

[WolfpackWife]

I actually appreciate the honesty. It's kind of hard to swallow, for sure, but I have enough self-awareness to tell you this: any rose-colored-glasses hopes I have are not because I am a ray of sunshine optimist. It's because I am in denial. It's because I won't let myself accept the realities that things might not (and it sounds like 'most likely will not') work out the way I desperately want them to! Reading this and working through other threads makes me glad that I'm going to speak with a therapist soon because I feel like I am a broken record with all of my thoughts and worries and, let's be honest, there's only so much DH can tell me, say to me, or relate to. Knowing I can pay someone to listen to me and also guide me through how the hell to deal with this!

LSW--your honesty is both terrifying and enlightening (in a good way!). I am sorry you've had a difficult road, but it's encouraging to know it's brought you closer with your husband. I admire you for sticking it out. Unlike you, I do not at all consider myself an independent person, and I know this about myself. It's probably one of the things I'm most ashamed of. I know I've got to do something about it or I am setting myself for a lifetime of hurt, disappointment, and isolation.

May I ask what your DH's specialty is? I am also curious, but won't pry, about his residency/fellowship program. I know you said you were in the triangle area for 8 years and if you don't want to share, I totally understand. I am familiar with some programs there (we worked at one of the main teaching hospitals in the area) and admit to being curious about them as I saw the residents work their asses off.

The only perspective I have right now is my aunt. She has carved out a life for herself outside of my uncle. But I've also seen them travel together, invest in great home renovations, live very comfortably, and put all three of their kids through college. But I know there are lots of unknowns about what salaries will be like in the future. They have taken dance lessons and belong to a gourmet club in their neighborhood and have a great relationship and a beautiful home. But they seem to have had it easy--medical school, residency, and attendinghood all within two hours of their hometown. And ultimately got to settle and raise their family just miles from all of their other family and friends. Although, he's also approaching retirement and they started this journey long before we did.

I have been too invested in my own sadness and likely depression that I looked up recently and realized I'd lost months of my life to this and I'm not getting anything out of it. I've got nothing to show for this first 1/8 of medical school accept for what closely resembled a budding drinking problem and a few extra pounds I'm not proud of!

[Curegirl]

LSW, I heart you so much. Wolfpack, I think therapy is a great idea, even when you're not feeling worried-just routine maintenance. Xanax is also a wonderful, wonderful thing if or when you need it. Many of the others can tell you that depression is so common in this field, both with the docs we're supporting and with us so it's great that you're recognizing some of the signs earlier on.

[diggitydot]

Mileage absolutely varies. Our path hasn't been all orgasms and bonbons, but it hasn't been the soul-sucking shitfest that some others have experienced, either.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Um, to say that LSW is under some stress currently would be a huge understatement

[Cinderella]

[MrsK]

This discussion is awesome. WPW - you've gotten some great advise here. I went into residency with a very clear idea of where I wanted to be during training and thereafter. DrK and I argued for hours about how I could hold on to my career, trying to match in cities where my law firm had offices, being absolutely determined to return "home" after training. It's so scary. The clearest example is when we packed up the car, said goodbye to my weeping momma, and then DrK realized that he forgot a suitcase and we couldn't leave yet. I literally sat down on the pavement and told him I couldn't follow him to who-knows-where if he couldn't even remember his suitcase. Total panic attack. And it's happened dozens of times since. He's muddling through, I'm trailing, the lack of autonomy, the indecisiveness (on his part and mine), the doubts even after you've agonized about decision, getting kicked in the teeth when you made the best possible decision at the time. . . It's hard. The best advise I can give is to be flexible. Over the next 4, 8, 12 years your life will change in ways you cannot imagine and you need to be able to keep up. If you are holding on to your past or trying to make decisions based on what you imagine your future to be, you'll bind yourself too tightly.

. . . all I can tell you is this:

1) Sometimes it gets better. For a while. Depends.
2) That light at the end of the tunnel has a high chance of being another oncoming train, so don't be surprised when that is what it is.
3) Pick a favorite drink you like and stick with it. Make sure it's easy to order at a bar.
4) That specialty he thinks he wants now will change 14 times.
5) Look out for Med School Hypochondria. My husband has had sclerosis of the liver, early onset dementia, cancer of the ear drum and countless other things. The more they learn, the more they think they have that disease/disorder. And for the record, he had none of those things and is healthy as a horse.
6) Do not cook spaghetti and sausage on Anatomy days.
7) Don't ever expect to get anything good out of this. Your best hope is that he can find a job that pays over $125k somewhere in America. And he'll work his ass off for it.
8) Avoid academia at all costs. No matter what. Avoid it.
9) Come here often. It will save you. Trust me on this. These people can talk you off the ledge faster than anyone in the world.
10)There is never any viable justification to wear capris. Especially cargo capris. Throw all of them away if you own any.

As always, spot on LSW. I flove you.

[oceanchild]

Hi and welcome! I'm from the territory of another Wolf Pack. I missed all these posts yesterday, but I'm glad to see that in your threads you're seeing lots of sides of the med school picture. Best of luck, and stick around!

[civilspouse]

Yes, that is a crazy saturated area of the country. If you really want to get back there then your hubby needs to start planning now. He needs to pick a specialty that is in low supply in that area at the very least. The theory that you can go anywhere you want if you have an MD doesn't really hold true.

How can you find out what the demand is for certain specialties? I'm sure it is dependent on the region, but is that data available anywhere? DH is waffling back and forth on his specialty choice and I think this could be helpful.

[Dr.&Mrs.H]

Welcome! I am new to this community as well. I cannot give too much advice because my husband and I had a different sort of experience so far. We met each other right before he found out he got into med school. He was in his last semester of undergrad and I still had 2 years to go. He moved and we stayed together for the next two years. Long distance saved us I think. We talked for 30-60 minutes every day. I graduated, he proposed, I moved across the states. Then I got my first teaching job, so I was completely consumed in my own career for two years. Then we got married and he got placed for residency and we moved again. That brings us up to today. I am in a new location and trying to find my way. To complicate things a little (in a good and bad way) we are expecting our first child in May. Sorry, to go on and on about my own life here. Essentially, all I can say now is that there are good and bad days, weeks, and months. I have found that staying busy in my own things helps. I try to pretend like this move is not temporary and make it feel like home as much as a can.

[WolfpackWife]

Wow--y'all are awesome. Truly. I actually had a LOT to think about over the weekend and these responses also spurred some great and productive conversations with DH. I think this is a great move for me (participating here) to start to come to terms with how little control I have over things, how to keep my expectations low (or--even better--have no expectations at all), and how to keep a brave and positive face through all of this. Mostly, it reminded me that I need to prioritize my OWN life and happiness outside of DH's and his career and where it takes us. He's doing what he loves--I shouldn't be sad because I feel "paused". I know I've wasted so much time and it kills me! I am seriously looking forward to getting a little professional therapy because I've gotta unload on someone who can tell me what, specifically, I can do to help myself.

It's a great reminder that none of our journey's are the same...and that really interests me. I am encouraged to see so many happy, content, positive people here who have had difficult but worthwhile experiences It's good to know that in our situation, we can have fulfilling marriages, careers, lives, families, etc. even though we don't have "traditional" spouses in terms of the work they do. I am also humbled by the people who have had harder roads. I think it's important to remember that things really can go totally opposite of the direction you need/want/hope they will go and that there are risks and shitty situations associated to this career.

I really appreciate how candid everyone is--I am really looking forward to participating in this community in all aspects. I promise I'm not obsessed with questions about being married to a doctor (although initially I do want to get those out there), I also have lots of other hobbies and input about normal things y'all are discussing here. Can't wait to get to 100 posts so I can talk about pets and love lives, and in laws, etc.

[niener]

... so I can talk about... in laws, etc.

This is a particular topic of interest around here