What should I do??? HELP!!!!

Hello everyone!

So glad I found this site, as I need help to make a decision!

I am a 26 year old woman from Finland doing an internship in Denver at the moment. I am living with my boyfriend who is a pre-med student and applying for medical schools, and we are kind of in a crisis mode because we don't know if we would be able to be happy together in the future.

Anyways, I'll tell you our story. We met in Australia 1 1/2 years ago. We both did study abroad and it was pretty much love at first sight and first week We did some backpacking together while there, travelled for a month in Malaysia and a month in New Zealand.

We decided to try to maintain our relationship so I started looking for a place where I could be an intern in Denver and we started our long distance relationship between Finland and USA. For 6 months we were apart and he came and see me for a week to Scandinavia.
Now we are living together in Boulder, Colorado and in a month my visa will expire and I have to go home.....decisiontime!

My heart says that I want to stay with him, but he does not think we would be able to make it through all theese years, he is very rational and lsitens more to his head than his heart while I am the oppossite. We have had some rough times while he did the MCAT and wrote his honours thesis (he worked 70-80 hours per week) and this is why he thinks we could not make it trough medical school.

I had a rough time with a slight change in culture and coming to a place where I know no one and did not really have any support from anywhere.
I just think that as we have been through all of this already we could get through medical school, but am I rght or wrong?

This is the time when I need your help! What advice would you give to me? Love him and go through medical school with him or leave......?

[Auspicious]

Hi,

What happens when your visa runs out? What would you have to do at that point in order to stay? Can you extend it somehow to give yourselves more time to see how things go?

To Julie

No, I have to go home to Finland 12:th of January.
My boyfriend would like to come and visit me to Europe after his interviews and try getting a job there til he starts medicalschool. But I don't know if I want that if the relationship is going to end anyway......sigh....what to do??

[SueC]

That does sound complicated. I know this is a silly question, but does it boil down to getting married in order to stay versus going back? On TV they always depict the couple that get married so one can stay in the country but I know the laws are much more complicated than that. If you have to go back regardless, you could always try to keep the relationship going overseas and maybe you will both have a little more clarity on the issue with a little distance between you. If you think the relationship is a good one, then it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot anyway. At least that way you won't break things off always wondering what might have been.

To SueC

Yeah, I think it would be pretty much down to getting married. This is one of the main things that frightens my boyfriend and me too....
Our relationship is great when he is not under stress, he really feels like he is the one for me then. I just don't want our relationship to fall because we are too afraid and because we have an enormous pressure on us that we are not ready for....and medical school.....

[DCJenn]

Hi Pinja!

(my husband just discovered recently that he's Finnish- he was adopted at 8 weeks and his birth mother was 100% Finnish)

Anyway, these medical relationships can be so complex anyway, so don't even worry about the international part.

This is my opinion- Go home and get some space and perspective- and if it's meant to be then things will work out in the end. Complications abound, and not just during medical school. Medical school is cake compared to internship, residency and fellowship, so you all have a long, long road ahead of you. But- it can be done. Your boyfriend won't be able to logically think through the rest of his life- or if he thinks he can, he needs to seriously rethink things. A lot of these medical types like to try to control everything and it's really hard for them to let go.

If he wants to some over to Europe to work- let him, your relationship isn't dependent on that anyway. Enjoy the few weeks you have left together, reassure him that you love him and that you want to be with him and then go. It will suck and it will hurt but you really don't have any other choice. Getting married isn't the answer- and BCIS will make life incredibly difficult anyway. We have a friend who had been married to a Thai woman since MARCH and she still hasn't been able to join him here in the states. (and she isn't allowed to visit, either)

Just keep those lines of communication open and let him know that you look forward to seeing him whenever he's able to get there. and take it one step at a time.

Keep us posted-

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

Pinja,

My husband is german and I'm a us citizen...we met while I was studying abroad. He was finishing med school and I was doing an internship when we met.

We have had some similar issues in terms of cultural differences/culture shock and dealing with the stress of training, etc while having a relatively new relationship.

We celebrate 10 years in March....and just recently had baby#4. Feel free to send me a private message/email if you want to talk.

kris