Potentially failed as a medical school girlfriend...thoughts appreciated

[Patty1220]

I know everyone here is much more involved with their SO's than I was, but its hard when I tell people my story (and it was hard when we were dating) for people to understand. So my now ex boyfriend is a 3rd year medical student and I had moved to be closer to him. We had been together for a little over a year. Because of my traditional beliefs, we did not move in together, and we talked about his busy schedule before I had moved up, although had not had a specific conversation on frequency of seeing each other. He ended up having no time for me, which was hard, because I was in a new environment and it resulted in fights between the two of us. I found myself wishing we could be a normal couple, and the comments from my roommates "he just doesn't want to see you", "he has the time, he just doesn't want to give it to you/make it work" broke my heart. I guess it takes someone much stronger and more independent to be with someone in medicine, and of course when I was working, it was not as bad. Unfortunately, the job I had in his city did not work out and I found myself still searching, with long days to myself. He eventually broke up with me, telling me that he didn't see us working in the long run, as he had a long road ahead of him, and, most likely, a surgical residency. I struggle with wondering whether he didn't want to give me time, or if it is normal that you see an MS3 once or twice a week. I find people in relationships outside of the medical field don't understand, and I just want to connect with people who are involved with medical students and residents, and hear their experiences.

[ladymoreta]

Hello! I'm so sorry that things didn't work out for you guys. I am about 99% sure that he was telling you the truth, not just avoiding you. Parts of 3rd year can be brutal, but it's nothing compared to some of the residency years, especially surgery. Some of our surgery spouses go days without seeing their husbands.

If you and he try to get back together, it'll be good to know going into it that you won't be seeing him as much. However, now is a good time to evaluate whether that's the kind of relationship you want. It's not ever going to be a typical 8-5 job. Hugs!

[GreyhoundsRUs]

As with most things in life, "your results may vary". I started dating DH in undergrad, and we got married during MS2, so I had to see him sometimes since we lived in the same house I actually don't remember much of his time commitments during rotations, except that he was gone a ton (no hours restrictions), had a long commute, and had certain rotations he needed to impress people on. This is especially true for those wanting to go into surgery.

I had my own life, and if he was around to participate, great, but if not, I did my own thing. I had a job, but as a teacher, I had vacations when he maybe didn't. I also had a ton of free time (summer vacation) when he had clinical responsibilities. If I didn't have my own stuff to do, I probably would have been pretty miserable.

So, what LadyM said - if you are looking for someone who is going to have normal work hours, it just isn't going to happen. Surgical residencies are universally sucky. Ours is pretty family-friendly, and he can go a week without seeing our daughter. Such is the life we chose, so we roll with it. Sadly, if you have visions of a husband who is home everyday for dinner, coaches the kids' little league, and goes to church with the family every weekend, then a surgeon husband probably isn't the best fit for that vision. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer :/

[moonlight]

I'm so sorry it didnt work out. Sounds like he was being very honest with you. Sounds to me he is saying that He is working hard and doesn't have the ability to be in a relationship with anyone for years to come. Hang in there, you will find someone that is ready for you!

[corn poffi]

^^^ this

[alotofyarn]

I agree with all the other posters, but just want to reiterate - had my husband and I not lived together during his MS3 year, I expect I wouldn't have seen him more than a couple of times a week either. Sometimes I only saw him when he came home and went to bed. There were some days where we'd go more than a day without seeing each other at all. In some ways, your roommates didn't know what they were talking about, because med students really are that busy for the most part. That said, my husband and I at least made efforts to communicate even when we couldn't physically see each other. There were plenty of times where he had to be at the hospital, but he had down time, so we'd chat on IM, text, or call each other frequently. Sometimes I'd go up to the hospital to bring him a meal and just see him for a little bit. I don't know all the details of your relationship, but if he wasn't willing to communicate with you at all, it seems that he wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship, and you need to find someone who is. If it really was the physical time together that you needed, you're still better off finding someone who isn't a medical student or physician who can and will give you the time that you desire.

[WolfpackWife]

Agree to all of the above. In truth, if it's hard to deal with the fact that he, as a boyfriend, doesn't have nearly enough time to spend with you, it will only continue to disappoint you. My DH and I lived together post-college for 4 years before me moved for med school. We worked normal schedules, traveled, both made money, and had an absolute TON of fun. Imagine what a blow it was when we started school and I realized that there's ins't always truth in "he has time, he just doesn't want to spend it with you"--while that may be the case sometimes, often it is just a fact that he's got too much on his plate and can't make the time. Especially if he wants to match into a competitive specialty.

Where we compromised was the fact that, my DH married me. We both knew that med school was on the horizon, and he knew that part of being married in medical school, residency, etc. meant that he would have to make the time when he could--even if it was for a cup of coffee in between lectures and afternoon studying, or him coming out of the office for 20 minutes to eat dinner together. Sometimes it's not even that much--its a few "i'm so busy but I miss you" texts during the day and a kiss on the forehead just as I'm about to fall asleep because he just so happened to leave our office for long enough to notice that I'd turned the lights out and was putting myself to bed. As a husband, he's obligated to do what he can to maintain our relationship. Similarly, as a wife and partner and his main support system, I am obligated to do my best to accept this and not pressure him (and it's so hard to get used to--still working on it!), and be understanding about the demands of school.

I wouldn't cling to the idea that you failed--it sounds like he's being honest about what he's willing to give. I think what is most evident is that you weren't prepared for the reality of what the lifestyle meant. I'm married to my husband and spent a lot of time trying to prepare myself and even that didn't fully prepare me for the realities! I'm sorry it hasn't worked out, but I agree with others who say it may be best to find someone going down a career path that allows them plenty of time to spend with you.

[Patty1220]

Thank you everyone for your understanding, kind words, and experiences. It is refreshing to hear them. And yes, while he would be in contact with me every day via text or IM, ongoing throughout the day (of course many times a couple hours between messages), it would be the physical time with him that he couldn't seem to give. Never having any experience with family or friends going to medical school, I guess I was unaware of what it entailed and a bit naive. Thank you again for the help and please keep the comments coming

[Curegirl]

Patty, as the others have said, I don't think you should think of yourself as a failure. It's hard for anyone not involved in any relationship (especially a medical one) to judge and know what's really happening. I think most of us, if not all, have been in the same situation where people around us are saying things like if he really cared he'd spend more time with you. Especially in residency, a day off is more like a recovery day, with studying and a bunch of extras to prepare for conference, etc. It sounds like he tried to be in the relationship as much as possible and didn't want to disappoint you. I guess there are many questions to ask yourself: do you need someone to be physically present? Is it enough for you to know that he's giving you as much as he can? Will you be able to make a life for yourself independent of the relationship? I didn't know my SO when he was in his 3rd year and if we were dating, I don't know if we would have made it as I didn't know any other SO's in medicine. But you've found a wonderful resource here and if you and he can patch things up, now you'll be much better prepared than I would have been. Wishing you both all the best...

[Momo]

I will ALWAYS be thankful that DH & I didn't meet until AFTER residency!!! Granted, I did go through a couple of fellowships w/him. The idea of enduring med school, match and residency as a med spouse DOES NOT APPEAL to me in the least!!! All who survived it & are doing it...more power to ya!! DH said he always felt that waiting until he did, to meet & settle down w/the right person(Moi ), was the prudent way(for him) to do things. My heart has really gone out to a lot of the med spouses on here, that paired up early on!!! So many here, have proven that it is definitely doable, but then again...it isn't really all that ideal. Lord knows, that this site is rife w/plenty of posts that serve as evidence to this fact! Though, I do have to admit, many on here have done a helluva job at making it look/seem better than it is!

[diggitydot]

We were married with kids before the hoary bitch of medicine came into our lives and MS3 sucked balls. I've always said that if we could handle that, our marriage could survive anything.



You're not a failure.

[Alacrity]

Do not take this personally. But do apply it to your personal situation. With my wife I've seen her less and less. In medical school it was difficult, but we had time to do flash cards with each other or I got to pretend to be the patient with her diagnosing me. Basically, I had to have my world revolve around her's. In residency, it was worse. And frankly, as an attending it never has gotten to be what I consider a normal relationship. Usually we have two weekends together. In April it is one and friends visited. It's tough. and a lot of time I feel like I have a roommate instead of a wife. It's not a normal relationship.