New to site

Hello everyone!! In a desperate mode tonight looking thru sites trying to find some little bit of information that can make sence of what our life has become. Has anyone out there felt like no one can understand what it is like to be married to a resident unless you have been there yourself? I am married to a wonderfull man, PGY2 surgery. We have been married for 6 years and have been blessed with 2 little boys 4 and 8. We have relocated twice for school and for residency-farther and farther from our family. I finally feel like after 2 years here I am starting to reach out and find a support system. It is still difficult-people do not understand that making plans as a couple is almost impossible and that a day off is really just a day to catch up and then that is really not enough. I am realizing that time is marching on and this is not getting better in my eyes. Does this get better. Feel like our life is being controlled by some entity that I have never
seen or met. Some how we have made with some bit of humor-We may not have much but I feel that we have been blessed in so may ways and I am thankfull. Now this is Christmas-always a special time for us even if it was just a couple of nights of shopping or decorating. Instead I looked over to see my completely exhausted husband -a sad sight and this is even after a 5 day vacation -had to study for boards. He has no time for anything and I feel he really has nothing left to give after his hours are put in. I am trying to keep everything togather-I figure the less he has to worry about the better it will be. I work full time and then some to keep us afloat-My children are in a home daycare 14 hrs -I love my daycare provider but it breaks my heart to pick them up that late and try to explain that people are sick all the time and sometimes mommy and daddy just can not help it. He does nothing around the house-I work every fri/sat and sun days. I plan everything out and have it ready. When I finally come home on sunday night my house is a wreck, my children have watch way too much TV and I think my husband is there but is not really there. My children are starting to notice. This last weekend I come home and in a attempt to spend some "boy" time he was playing playstation with them. I found him sitting up/head back asleep with controller still in hand. Both of the boys had put a little quilt on him and gave me the hush signal when I walked in the room-there they were my 2 little angel guarding daddy because he "really tired and just fell asleep " I feel like I have done everything I can to make this easier on him. But right at this hour I am feeling very discouraged and almost broken in spirit Falling asleep while watching the boys-I am furious!!!! But I can not even yell-I know that he is spent. I also know that this is not the father or husband he wants to be. He told me he feels "not even human anymore" I hope this is a passing chapter in our lives. I just need to know that this is normal-has anyone felt like they do not even know there spouse anymore I feel guilty when I try talking to him because I know he has something else pressing for his time-except it usually has to be done by 0500 the next day and I will still be here. HELP HELP HELP. Any advice from relocated/working mothers and medical spouse>
Wow I feel so much better. I am usually very positive and energetic. Sorry I had to vent

Hi, and welcome to the boards. My name is Trisha and my husband finished a 4 yr EM residency in 2001. During that time we had two children who are now 6 and 3. Although I cannot speak from a surgery spouse perspective I can tell you that the absenteeism in parenting and being a husband is completely normal even on their days off. It is a survival mechanism I think to get them through their residencies. My DH would shut down and sleep or become a zombie on his down days. He really wanted to be there for me and the girls and the times he really did get involved the way he should have it made it that much harder on him once he had to go back to the grind.

I can say that after two years as an attending life is 200% better. Its as if he is making up for all the lost time. I am grateful that the girls do not remember much of those four years and I am beginning to forget also. Kinda like childbirth. You forget the pain after its over because you have something great afterwards. I think it is worth it. Not everyone would agree and can deal with a 4-6 year+ labor. I think it is easier if you focus on the good days and realize that during that time to focus on yourself and your children. Once I realized that I could not fight the residency and make us the primary focus of his attention it was easier for me. Now we don't have to compete for his attention. Long way of saying it does get better.

Finding this group has helped tremendously and I hope you can draw some support here as your family goes through this journey.

[Meenah]

Hi Trisha,
Welcome. It does get better, and you just started the getting better part by finding us!!!!!My husband is a Pulmonologist and I am a Nurse. Our lives and schedules are very crazy. I truly think the holidays makes good things look better and bad things look worse. I can't wait until January 2.
Luanne

[Meenah]

Sorry I called you Trisaha, because Trisha had responed and that is the name that stuck in my feeble brain!!!!
Luanne

[migirl]

Welcome to the site, I am an engineer and married to a 2nd-year urology resident so I am kind of in the same situation as you are (although we do not have children yet). What works for me is to lower my expectations of him. It sounds terrible I know, but it's worked pretty well for us so far. I just assume that on his days off he is going to be tired and grumpy and not in the mood to do much of anything, so that if it turns out otherwise then it is a pleasant surprise! I also try to recognize the situation for what it is - temporary. We have a lifetime ahead of us after residency, so I just try to remember that when I get really frustrated with him and our situation. Good luck to you, I hope that you'll find encouragement and camaraderie here.

[mommax3]

Hi,

My husband finished an OB/GYN residency in 2001, and I totally know where you are coming from. When he finished residency, we had two boys, aged 6 and 3, and I was 7 months pregnant with a third boy. I was not sure if our family would ever function "normally" again after residency, but after 2 1/2 years, I would say that we are normal, at least as normal as we are going to get!

My husband did a military residency, and it was only four years, so I have been able to stay home with my boys, but it was still difficult.

What you post sounds like so many others who find support here.....I don't know any way to make it easier, but being here with people who understand what you are going through makes it easier to bear somehow.

I hope you will post often so we can get to know you better.

Sally

[houseelf]

Hi Copa wife,

Big hugs and warm thoughts going out to you. Although we haven't met, you just made the prayer list. I think that you will find a lot of kindred spirits here. My hubby is a fourth year surgery resident and we have a three year old boy. (DH has finished his third year of clinicals and has stepped out for 2-3 years to do research before finishing his fourth and chief years here, after which he plans to do a pediatric surgery fellowship.)

I, too, work outside the home, albeit part-time, and feel tremendous mommy guilt. There is just no financial way that we can make it through without my income. I am kind of stuck in this job too, because it is the most family friendly option out there. Anyway, because I work outside the home I am too lenient with my three year old in an attempt to compensate what he is missing out on. (Yes, I can own this truth.) DH missed a lot of our son's early infancy and will miss a lot during his important formative years when he returns to clinicals. We live 13 hours away from our friends and families somewhere in the middle of the artic tundra.

When DH is in the midst of a hellish rotation, he is grumpy, unavailable, impatient, and somewhat selfish. (Does this make me an unkind, selfish witch to describe the man I love in these derogatory terms?) A long term residency becomes hard to live with year after year. If all goes according to plan, we will spend TEN years in post medical school training. I try to avoid thinking about it in these terms because it is too damn overwhelming. Honestly, I have to say that the lab year has been fantastic, however. When it comes right down to it, I tell DH that I will try as hard as I can to survive fellowship, but this will severely test my limits, and I just don't know if I am capable.

Anyway, I'm sorry to superimpose my deep-seeded issues on your heartfelt post, but your words resonated deep within me. Life is just not meant to be lived this way. It is not normal. I love my hubby more than anything, but this sure is a hard way to go.

Kelly

Thank you for the warm welcome

Thank you all who replied Finding this site was truly a answered prayer. After a few tears and a good night sleep (what is that?) I am able to put back on my happy face again. Every few months I have to have one of these meltdowns. After a goodbye hug at 4am -wensday is conference day-I feel rejuvenated and truly blessed. Just knowing that others have similar feelings makes me feel less like a "bad" wife . thanks again ladies. So today the holiday rush begins. This year we both have to pull Christmas day-Husband only rounding and I have to work the full 12 hrs(neruo ICU RN) So loving grandparents are coming tommorow to help make it a family Christmas. I really tried hard this year to keep it simple. We will see how it goes. Does not really seem like Christmas here in Phoenix! I am from Illinois and lived all over the midwest and Christmas is suppose to be white or at least cold! Tonight we are going to the outdoor mall where they will have it "snow" for all the shoppers. Crazy ,huh? Anyway I better go and get the little ones ready. I have a quiet one (8) and a spirited one (4). Thanks and hope everyone has a great day. I am do happy I found you!

[PrincessFiona]

I'm late chiming in here, but I just wanted to add my warm welcome and reitterate that you are most definately NOT alone. My husband is now officially finished with training...we're already 2.5 years post-fellowship. I was where you are many, many times and there were times where I just didn't know how/if we could get through it. I went through my times where I felt like a terrible, bitchy, unsupportive wife (and my husband would probably agree with that ) and had other times where I was able to pull it together and be the wife that I thought that I was supposed to be.

Looking back now though I can say that we both just did the best that we could at the time to get through it....It does get better!

Be kind to yourself...your feelings are completely normal!!!!

Welcome to the group and happy holidays!!!

kris