Dental School LDR Girlfriend

[FabulousEnding]

I'm a girlfriend, not a spouse, but this is the only network I could find with people going through what I am. My boyfriend moved off 2 months ago to dental school 4 hours away. It's close enough (and cheap enough thanks to my car's gas mileage) where I can visit for a weekend every now and then. I have no doubts about him and I know I'm with the right person for me. Unfortunately, we're not in a position where we can live in the same city. He's off at an amazing school in an interesting little small town, and I need to be here for my career. If it were a situation where I could live anywhere, I would be with him in a heartbeat, but what I do means I absolutely have to be in this city. He understands. We both really believe in each other.

I was in for a bit of a surprise over a weekend when I went to visit him. I knew he had to study all of the time, which I'm fine with, but I didn't expect the inability to turn it off mentally, even for an hour a day. We went out to dinner together and we ended up sitting there in silence while he studied notes on his phone. I spent most of the trip by myself with him mentally in another world. I'm not really sure how to adjust to this whole situation. We're pretty much to the point where he only has enough time and attention span to give each other the quick highlights of what's new. I've seen his school work. It's probably the most intense thing I've ever seen in my life and it's only the beginning. Before he moved, we were pretty much inseparable and now we're always apart. He's gone from the happiest person I know to being intense, stressed out and snippy. I understand why though. I'd be that way too if I had to learn all of that! Heck, I'd be crying every day! lol

How did you adjust to the new schedule? Or the focus being drifted elsewhere? Did you find it hard to get in quality time? Any of you in long distance relationships?

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome, we did LD for 14 months when DH was in med school but it was plane distance long so you better believe if I was going to spend the time/money to go see him he was going to make the effort. I don't know about dental school but with med school the first quarter was the hardest for him so I rarely saw him during that time and that was fine. We could commit to a phone call every other night or so but I didn't make the trip often while he was getting settled, he needed that time to find his new pace.

[WolfpackWife]

Welcome! My husband and I did LDR in undergrad, which was not on the same scale at all. However, I can relate to the shell-shock of how they never really leave school/studying behind once everything starts! I'm assuming he just started school? With regard to him even studying through dinner, I can also relate. My DH experienced a serious panic when he started med school last August and the start of his first classes up until his first exam was a crazy, panicky mess while he tried to figure out a) what was expected of him b) how he could be most successful learning the material c) trying to establish is own routine and d) figuring out what study habits and methods would be most effective for him. It took a little while for him to really get into the groove of what worked. It's a huge adjustment, and my DH had four gap years between undergrad and starting med school so he was completely out of the school routine. Not only do they have incredibly rigorous courses of study, the are all very well aware of the competition in the medical community so from the very get-go it is intense with little room for error. He'll figure out his groove and when he does, he'll be able to better understand when he can step away from the notes and turn his mind off from school for a little while to enjoy time with you. Just hang in there - for us, the first 2 -3 months were hell and it took a lot out of both of us, trying to get our footing with this new way of life!

[alotofyarn]

We survived LD twice - first while we were both in grad school and dating/engaged, then our second year of marriage during his first year of med school until I graduated and fortunately got a job in the same city where he was in school. We were also a flight away, so we saw each other maybe every other month. It's most definitely not fun, but we did survive med school and the LD. Communication is KEY, and somehow you'll both need to work together to figure out how to make that happen for you. We also did occasional texting and IMing throughout the day, so it seemed like we were in more constant communication than we actually were. Webcams help, so you can actually see each other when you talk, because a lot gets lost on phone calls without facial cues. Find a way to better let him know what your needs are (focused attention, even if it's less time than you'd like), and encourage him as much as you can. And remember, it's only temporary!

[MarissaNicole]

we were about a seven hour drive first year of med school.

Hopefully when he gets more comfortable he'll be able to let go and engage at at least meal times. .. he has to eat and he will need some breaks! Perhaps after his first set of exams he'll feel a little more confident and get better with time management.

How long is dental school? How long have you been together?

Wife to PGY4

[FabulousEnding]

How long is dental school? How long have you been together?

Dental school lasts 4 years. If he decides to specialize, it'll be 6 years total. I wish I could say something like, "We'll be apart for 2 years and then I will find my own apartment up there so we can be in the same city." But I can't. Not with my career. It's made me develop a love-hate relationship with what I do.

We've been together for about 4 months now, which is part of where the adjustment period comes from. There wasn't enough time to get to know all sides of each other before he left for school, so we're going through the initial stages still. Good relationships also reflect back to you all the areas you need to work on, as relationships are meant to make you into a better version of yourself, together. Reflection doesn't make it easy, for sure. I don't believe in the whole the one business or love at first sight, but him and I are ridiculously perfect for each other.

Neither of us have done a long distance relationship before. It probably doesn't help that both of our lives have been turned upside down at the same exact time, and now we're trying to deal with all of the change, new work and keeping the spark alive all at once.


Another question... Is there anything that can be done to help lighten their load? I know it's his battle to fight. I just wish I could do something.

[Curegirl]

Welcome! LDR here too...it makes the challenging times even more so, but the good times even sweeter. Hope you guys will find your groove and a regular communication routine. It's good you realize there's an adjustment period...just remember that some are longer than others! We had to hit many bumps in the road to realize that and other things. Sending you good relationship vibes!

[WolfpackWife]

Another question... Is there anything that can be done to help lighten their load? I know it's his battle to fight. I just wish I could do something.

Before we started last year, I had all these grand plans of being Super Wife and helping him in any way I could. I wanted to make him flashcards or do whatever I could to make studying easier for him. Turns out, there's virtually nothing I can do - it's just the nature of the material. If he was studying hundreds of vocab words that could be written on flashcards, I'd be all over that (color coded flashcards written with markers...totally up my nerdy, school-supply-loving alley).

I have found that what lightens my husband's load the most is the lowering of my expectations of him. We went through (and still do go through) tough periods of me feeling really lonely and isolated (we moved away from our hometown for school) and neglected. He feels very guilty that he moved me away from friends, a great job, a great social life, etc. He feels guilty that I feel neglected. I grappled with feeling as though he had "chosen" medicine over me, and that he was enjoying finally being in med school and starting the journey that his limited time with me didn't faze him and that made me pretty nasty at some points. I quickly found out that his new obligations were also a sacrifice for him, that he also missed our time together and being holed up in our office all night wasn't preferable to hanging out with me. It takes some time to get used to, but it really is their load. I'm at the point now where when DH pouts about having to study or not being able to do this or that (example: I traveled back to NC on a Tuesday night for a Black Crowes show and he was SO SAD he couldn't go) I tell him "sorry babe, you should have had a different dream!" It's a running joke, but I think the important thing is to not make him feel as though he's not letting you down (HUGE DEAL for my husband) and that you're accepting of this new lifestyle and will work with it. I realized quickly that my own poutiness and guilt trip attempts just put us further and further behind.

[SoonerTexan]

Good luck! DH orginally wanted to do dental school. We did long distance, but it was a long time ago. Like high school long time ago.

If Dental School is anything like med school, he will loosen up a little once he gets the hang of the tests and doesn't stress about them so much. I think that is pretty much par for the course MS-1 (or DS-1). They learn to get better at studying efficiently too.

[FabulousEnding]

I have found that what lightens my husband's load the most is the lowering of my expectations of him.

Wow! That was extraordinarily helpful! Thank you!!

He gave me a full tour of the school when I went to visit... showing me classrooms, his lab station, the project he's working on. It was really fascinating to see! Not only that but it helped me understand what a sacrifice he's making out there. It's an incredibly impressive school and I was delighted by how perfect dentistry is for him.

I've gone through all of the exact same things in my head as you did, and I've said quite a few things that puts me into complete jerk territory. At first it feels like they are stuck in mental focus mode to as a way to avoid you, even though I know that's not true. Men are usually one of few words and you can gauge their hurt by how irritated or angry they get, so I'm stuck trying to read his body language & vocal tone, making me overly sensitive. Both of us have two separate passions, one of them is a shared passion... I'm lucky that both of mine go together 24/7, but he can only do one or the other at a time. I can't imagine sacrificing one of my passions to pursue the other. I would feel like my heart got ripped out of my body. All the things we used to love doing together, I now do by myself. I feel like I'm unintentionally rubbing it in sometimes when I tell him all the funny or exciting things that happened.

This is probably a stupid question... But how did you go about lowering the expectations? I'm terrible with shock. I never handle it well and say dumb crap as I try to adjust to change, which is what went on in this case. I just don't know what to say. Do the conversations pretty much get to the point of "here's the updates..."? It's way more of a sacrifice for him than for me. My only sacrifice is driving 4 hours whenever I can to sit in the same room with him. I'd rather go do things alone during my trip while he studies, and once his brain is fried then spend time with him. I know he wants to tag along on things that are important to me, but I'd rather wait until I can have him present than just a warm mute body sitting there. Were there any ways you were able to show your support? I know at least I can start by not complaining and acting like an a-hole.

Seriously, that was really helpful to read.

[Curegirl]

Word to what WPW said...In terms of lowering your expectations, I think it's different for everyone. Mine is that I don't have a shit fit when he has a day off and we can't see each other because he needs to sleep or study. I like to support him by sending him funny texts or emails that he can get to on his own time and aren't intrusive with a racy picture or two when he's on a difficult rotation I'd also like to add that not only is it important to lower your expectations but to ignore other people's expectations of your relationship. A lot of people will not understand the demands and pressure your db and you are under and you will hear criticism and judgment sometimes. That's when you have to tune out the white noise and focus on the two of you. This will be even more difficult in an LDR but ultimately, it'll strengthen your faith in your relationship.

[WolfpackWife]

This is probably a stupid question... But how did you go about lowering the expectations? I'm terrible with shock. I never handle it well and say dumb crap as I try to adjust to change, which is what went on in this case. I just don't know what to say. Do the conversations pretty much get to the point of "here's the updates..."? It's way more of a sacrifice for him than for me. My only sacrifice is driving 4 hours whenever I can to sit in the same room with him. I'd rather go do things alone during my trip while he studies, and once his brain is fried then spend time with him. I know he wants to tag along on things that are important to me, but I'd rather wait until I can have him present than just a warm mute body sitting there. Were there any ways you were able to show your support? I know at least I can start by not complaining and acting like an a-hole.

Seriously, that was really helpful to read.

Not a stupid question! For me (and this is solely my experience), lowering my expectations meant that I really had to come to terms with the fact that his free time was not really a "thing" any more. I personally went through - and am still in the process of working through - a traumatic (for lack of a better word) change with this. DH and I graduated from college, moved in together, and both got great, full time jobs. We lived together for three years, got engaged, then married, and 8 weeks after our wedding we moved away to start school. In those 4 years we had discretionary income, we traveled, we had vacations, we had so. much. freaking. fun. For that to suddenly hit a wall - for my very best friend and partner in crime to not only have very, VERY little time for me, but also to be thrown into a world that I was completely, 100% not a part of - was really shocking for me. I definitely maintained the expectation that somehow, he could make it work so that it seemed as if nothing had changed, when EVERYTHING had changed. I wanted him to go grocery shopping with me, or jump in the car on Friday afternoon for a weekend visit home, or go to happy hour, or even go to the pool. And there simply is not time for that during some parts of his curriculum. I had gotten so used to being with him constantly and sharing everything with him, suddenly I was like: "wait, is anything even going to be FUN anymore if he can't be there, too?" It sounds like you're more independent that I was, so that will help you.

I think firmly understanding that the relationship you had in the past is NOT the relationship you had now. Your routines have changed, your mental focus has changed, everything has changed. It doesn't have to be awful, but it does have to be different. LD makes it harder, I am sure. To be quite honest, my expectations still aren't as low as they should be and if I'm not careful I can get petty and snippy and horribly bitchy because this new life isn't what I want or what I'm used to, but it's what it has to be right now. And what ends up happening is he senses the snippy-ness or my bad attitude, asks about it, and it devolves into an argument about him doing what he can and me doing what I can and who doesn't feel happy and who feels pressured, etc., etc. Before we know it, an hour has gone by with this argument/discussion and it's just so much time wasted...I would have much rather him spent that hour locked away studying so we can actually have a pleasant hour later, but because a fight ensued, he's got to make that time up.

I should also add that I drew a lot of comfort from the fact that this sacrifice wasn't just for his career fulfillment, but for our secured future. I didn't want to punish him 24/7 for having the ability to do something not many people can just because I was lonely and sad - his career goals will mean less worry for us in the future, and good things all around, for the most part. I also have to bear in mind that all of the work he puts in is driven in part by the fact that he wants to be very competitive in order to hopefully match back into the area we came from. That is by no means a guarantee, but he knows how much it means to me to possibly be able to go back home in three years for his residency, and if he didn't work as hard, that would be less and less of a possibility.

There are far, far stronger people on this board than I am - which means lots of great inspiration and support. Reading experiences here has helped me find my footing and secure ways that I can go out and learn to have fun on my own and make friends and a life for myself outside of our marriage. I can't sit here until 2016 feeling completely unfulfilled - no one can. This community has really helped me see that. And in turn, seeing that change in me - the desire to DO something, instead of sulk and mourn what our life was not too long ago - helps my husband feel better about how these years will go.

[FabulousEnding]

I think firmly understanding that the relationship you had in the past is NOT the relationship you had now. Your routines have changed, your mental focus has changed, everything has changed.

Thank you for being so honest. I appreciate it. A lightbulb went off in my head when you said the above part in quotes. You're right. I had this expectation of him and my life in general, which didn't turn out as I had imagined in my idealistic mental utopia. I think that's the part that hasn't been clicking... that this is our relationship now. Perhaps there are ways around it... Like going to a coffee shop together where we he can study and I can do my work at the same table, or some other place where it's socially acceptable to sit in total silence. I guess that'll have to be my new idea of a romantic evening out.

I think I've also been judging him by my own standards of hard work. Everyone in my life knows me as the most driven and hardworking person they know. I make progress faster than anyone because I'm so strategic about how I go about it. But him... His work ethic puts me to shame. I don't think I'm anywhere near strong enough to do what he's doing. He's a work horse! You know, he applied to all of the top 10 dental schools and got into every single one. He is beyond driven. It wouldn't surprise me if he ended up the top in his field one day. I'm in a creative field, so if I need to take a day off to sleep and catch up on reading to increase my skills, I'm going to take that time off. If I don't rest, I start making stupid mistakes I can't afford to make or I won't be as creative as possible. But I got "work smarter, not harder" down to an art for me. Like today, I have a huge to-do list I need to get done, but I'm exhausted so I'm hanging around in bed in my pjs cuddling with my two cats while reading a library book. To me, those days are necessary and to him they are a rare luxury. So I suppose part of my mind thought he was choosing to be in focus mode 24/7. I have the ability to say at any time, "He's more important to me. I'm going to cross off my entire weekend to go see him." Ah the joys of being an entrepreneur! But... it's not that way for him at all.

But you make a good point... readjusting my expectations will probably make things far easier. I guess it's all about perception anyways.

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group!

Shifting your expectations isn't easy, but it's manageable.

- Set aside a regular day and time for hanging out, just you two. If you guys want to hang with friends, great! Just don't do it during your regular "date". No studying, no shop talk -- just time alone, together. Our version of this (with kids) was a pajama party every Friday night with movies or games. It was sacrosanct. DH felt better about his crazy hours studying and we knew we had guaranteed bonding time with him every week.

- Enjoy your independence. Get used to doing things sans dude and simply enjoy the rare occasions when he can join you.

- Learn to embrace your inner introvert.

- Don't take shit too seriously.

- Don't get scared off by us old timers. Some of us (including myself) are jaded, cynical old hags who have seen and experienced enough of the medical shitfest that we might post things that sound scary. And some things ARE scary. But not all.

- Come here when shit goes sideways. We get it.

[v-girl]

Welcome!