Dental School LDR Girlfriend

[ladymoreta]

Welcome!!

[FabulousEnding]

I've got to ask... Does anyone ever notice a difference in their behavior? Everyone at his school thinks of him as the happiest person in the class, which is how he was when he lived here, but every time we talk on the phone or in person, he's grumpy as heck and ultra serious. It takes a lot of work to get him to smile or laugh. I like to think he it's because he feels secure enough in our relationship to show me all sides of himself. Hopefully it's not me causing the attitude change. :/

[diggitydot]

It's most likely the stress. He's in "school mode". Wait until he has a break and see his demeanor change.

[FabulousEnding]

It's most likely the stress. He's in "school mode". Wait until he has a break and see his demeanor change.

Yea, you're probably right. My insecurities definitely don't help the situation. It'd be so much easier if men were more verbal and honest about their emotions.

[metroguy]

welcome..
when my gf went to med school, i think we were just about a yr into the relationship. for the first few months, my job was just the cleaning/take out person. we were about 20 minutes apart but i did not visit her on the weekdays. it was all very intentional. i did not want to 'disturb' her studying. on the weekends, i bring food, take out the garbage--that was it. i might study 15 to 30 minutes with her but there was little conversation.. i think our conversation was about 5 minutes or less. and whatever you do, don't ask how's study going.. you'll get a slap back.
as time progress, it got better.. basically, whatever free time she had, she 'needs' to spend it with her study group or by herself. it's the way of a med student's life. and dental student too--since they take the same classes for the first 2 yrs. you may not understand but that's how their life is.. it revolves around eating, sleeping, study and hanging out with other students. there's very little outsiders. think of it like boot camp. the students form a unique bond--basically like a mistress. it'll always be you, spouse and mistress ('medicine'). you'll have to adjust to it. most people don't understand unless they date someone from medicine field.

[FabulousEnding]

and whatever you do, don't ask how's study going.. you'll get a slap back.

Oh man, I know that one!! That's definitely the biggest verbal backlash. lol.

Does this schedule ever go away once they enter the work field? Or does it stay this way for good? He got unanimously voted class president too, so his work load is even higher. The boot camp analogy makes sense. Kind of explains the surprised glances from his classmates when he brought me into the dental lab and gave me a full tour of his station. I have to admit... I can't help but be a little jealous of his classmates getting to see the lively him so much, while I'm lucky if I get a 3 minute phone call where he's actually paying attention.

But I guess I understand, I'm pretty bonded over my shared passion with a good community of people here. There's probably some jealousy running on both sides.

You're right. Dating a med/dental student is tremendously different than you imagine it to be. What makes it harder, I think, is the constant fear that you'll become obsolete in their life. Asking for reassurance seems like too great of a demand with what they are going through.

[Curegirl]

I can't say for dentists but for my SO, it has only gotten harder the further he got into his education and training. He has more responsibilities now and it's extremely stressful for the both of us.

[MarissaNicole]

I've got to ask... Does anyone ever notice a difference in their behavior? Everyone at his school thinks of him as the happiest person in the class, which is how he was when he lived here, but every time we talk on the phone or in person, he's grumpy as heck and ultra serious. It takes a lot of work to get him to smile or laugh. I like to think he it's because he feels secure enough in our relationship to show me all sides of himself. Hopefully it's not me causing the attitude change. :/

It's not you its probably like you said and he feels more comfortable showing his true feelings with you. He probably needs to put in a happy face and confident act in front of all his new classmates.

Wife to PGY4

[crabby_patty]

Welcome!

I'm in the exact same situation as you. Boyfriend in a different city 5 hours away doing his residency...I'm in another city because I want to focus on my career...the whole sugar momma thing, and the sort. I see him every other weekend now, but the expenses really do add up. It's great that you're career focused right now!
LDRs suck flaming bull testicles, but it's great that you two want to stay in a committed relationship

They're under a ridiculous amount of pressure in med school, so I completely agree with WolfpackWife: lowering expectations helps tremendously. If you're hanging out and he's busy studying, sometimes you just have to suck it up and be supportive. You're doing what's best for your career, I'm sure he wants what's best for his. Cook for him (they love it) or go out on a coffee run for him; the little things matter. At least you're spending some amount of time with him and I'm sure he would much rather be spending his time with you Don't make him feel guilty for not spending enough time with you. That being said, make sure he doesn't slack off in the relationship department either. I like to draw funny pictures and send him funny texts and postcards. My SO keeps all my doodles and postcards taped on his refrigerator since he's too lazy to buy magnets, lol! I found that it helps to plan ahead for future dates, and make sure it's focused on you two. Also, make sure he leaves his textbooks and cell phone behind! When he gets adjusted to his schedule and routines, things will get better. When my SO had breaks in his schedule, he would always get up and make me breakfast and coffee before I went to work in the morning, even if it meant not being able to sleep in. It's the little things that count and assures you that he still cares.

Make sure you focus on the things YOU want to do. Be independent and do fun things that will make your SO jealous; that way you'll have great stories to tell. Learn to do things solo and enjoy it! Take care of yourself; pamper yourself every now and then, and ignore everyone else's expectations on your relationship. Your relationship compared to everyone else's is not normal, haha!

Medicine is a very jealous and expensive mistress.

[metroguy]

i would also suggest you give him lots of space to study and hang out with his fellow classmates. i disagree with some other posters about spending as much time as you can with him when he's free. what little free time should be balance--between you, him, relaxation/sleep and making friends (in reverse order--making friends is first priority-- sadly, you're should be last in the priority list.. that's after sleep.). the friendships he makes will come in handy during (at least medicine), clinical rotations. it's very help to have a friend/classmate to talk to about crap (literally/figurative). there will be some backstabbing to get the covet honors-- the more friends he'll have, the less enemies he'll have. depending on school/classmates, it's not unheard of for people to give misinformation/misdirection--as well as some 'missing' library books.
also, watch out for the personality change. i seen people go from happy/social to depress/suicidal. after a few months to few yrs, generally, their personality will come back. it's depends on the person and their 'inner' strengths. some can handle being from the top of the class to near bottom of the class. others, not so much.
btw, i'm not sure if there's much of reward to dating/marry someone in medicine.. ahem-- marrying a doctor post residency might be nice.. but marrying a premed school.. blah. knowing what i know now........ medicine/career is/will be their highest priority--even higher than family, certainly higher the spouse. that's not something i sign up for. it's certainly, not what i expect.

[diggitydot]

While I agree that etching out "together time" with a med/dental student can be tough, I don't think it's necessarily all doom and gloom. Your company and companionship can be high on your SO's priorities, but that doesn't mean his/her lack of time is indicative of a lower rank. When the med/dental student only has so much excess time, attention, energy, and waking hours to devote to anything other than school, they've got to fit everything else into that short window.

[FabulousEnding]

All of you make some really good points. It's rough knowing I'm last on his priority list, and that's pretty much what I threw a fit about during my visit. I felt like he was keeping me separate from his life by not telling me anything about it. I didn't even know the names of his friends he hangs out with the most. I was going to come up this one particular weekend, but decided to come 2 weeks later instead. Turns out there was a ceremony for his class at the school and his entire family came up for it, and I didn't even know about it! Man, I was so hurt. But he'll see how it feels in October when an important life event takes place for me and he can't be there.

After being so depressed I walked around sulking and would barely say a word, he decided to make it up to me. I got a full tour of the entire dental school, including his lab station, the tools he uses, his locker in two different rooms, showed me where the teacher stands in the different rooms, he took me inside his lab with a full tour of his station, where his clinic room is, where he likes to eat lunch, where he studies sometimes, and finally told me the name of his friends. We even ran into a few classmates, which he introduced me to. He went all out showing me everything (except the medical lab because I don't want to see dead people)! It definitely made me feel very loved and reassured that he would put me at the top of his list if he could.

Between the career that I've chosen and this completely abnormal relationship, I definitely feel like a f***ing lunatic sometimes! But I have to follow my passions and I want to be with him... so I'll have to suck it up for now. I guess it's like I told him when we made the decision to stay together, "Four years is just a temporary situation, not a life sentence." It doesn't help that I didn't know what I was getting myself into on either front. Both sides of the coin are far harder than I ever could have imagined.


How do you guys handle the long-term relationship talk? We've only been together for 4 months so we can't plan anything or even discuss it. Sometimes I'll say things like, "if we're still together by that point." Then his entire demeanor changes into something grumpy again. Or when I told him, "I think it's a good idea we live apart right now." I regretted saying it immediately because of how snippy he got with me. If I said I was homesick he got mad. At one point I told him maybe in 2 years I can come up there with him, so I don't know... maybe he got that in his head? Once my career gets to the point I want it to be at, I'll be traveling non-stop with a crazy schedule, but I meant more like my home base could be with him. I'd still rarely be there. His bills would just get mysteriously paid. lol. It's a one day at a time situation, but I really don't know what to say. I assume if he's willing to ask me to put our relationship through the ringer, he's thinking I'm someone he could be with forever, but I don't know that and can't know that after 4 months.

I wish I could talk all of this through with him but it's finals week. I'm sure you all know how that goes!

[diggitydot]

Sounds like you two are at that weird point in your relationship where you're totally into each other, but aren't entirely sure what you want your future to be, yet. Adding all that to the medical crapfest is a rough situation. Hang in there. Try to relax. Enjoy whatever time you can get together and let the rest go.

If he's not terribly communicative while stressed, my bet is that this will change once he's out of "school mode". It's sometimes tough to gauge the difference between stressed student and sullen depression.

[FabulousEnding]

Sounds like you two are at that weird point in your relationship where you're totally into each other, but aren't entirely sure what you want your future to be, yet.

I think it's more so that we can't know what the future will be. It'll take him 3 years to decide if he wants to specialize and spend 2 more years in school. Plus with my career, I have almost no idea what to expect. He just says we'll figure it out one day at a time. If I wasn't thinking forever with him, I would have backed out already. I just get worried that two people with all consuming careers can get separated easily. But one thing I realized over my visit, you two have to really love each other because at times that'll be the only thing keeping you together. He's my first and only choice, so I guess it is what it is.

[MarissaNicole]

Make sure you don't confuse priority and obligation/responsibility. I'm still DH's #1 priority..... but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere near the top of the list as far as time. Medicine is his #1 obligation and time suck, but its not his #1 priority in life.

Just give him time to adjust as he gets more comfortable he should get better at showing you your a priority. (If he doesn't then you'll need to reevaluate.)

Wife to PGY4