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So...I can really relate to how you feel. While I understand and agree with some of what other people have said, I just want to let you know you're not alone in panicking thinking that the medical career will essentially steal your loved one from you - whether it's physically or emotionally, or both. I had all of those same fears, and still experience some of them.
Our background: we were together for 6 years prior to medical school. We got engaged six months before we found out he'd been accepted. We went through two application cycles. We were married about six weeks before we moved away for him to start first year. I hated moving. I hated where we had to move to - and TBH, I still don't like it. I hated that so much of what we had changed. Prior to medical school, in the 4 years we had between undergrad and starting med school, we both worked for two years in the same business park area. Which meant we frequently had lunches and worked the same hours. Saw each other all the time. Had the same schedule. For approx 1.5 years after that/before we started med school, we worked at the same hospital, working the exact same hours, riding to and from work together , etc. We were literally together 24/7 some weeks (aside from time at work, even though we would pass each other in the hospital, had lunches almost every day, met for coffee, etc.). It was wonderful for me. And for him. The adjustment to medical school was so, SO rough for me. Less so for him, because he was finally realizing his dream and he's more independent than I was/am.
To keep this short - my cliffsnotes are basically: this lifestyle is a huge adjustment. Personally, I have had to let go of some of the things I realy thought I wanted for my life: i.e.: the guarantee that we'll be able to live where we want; that my husband will be home for dinner at 6pm every night like my dad was; that my husband will be able to be a very present coparent; that my husband won't miss important child milestones or achievements or holidays. His career choice has actually made me question whether I want children - it seems like a fairly raw single parenting deal for many of the arduous training years. Selfishly, it's hard for me to accept that strangers will often be more important to him than me or his children if he's working. If we have an emergency but he's at the hospital working - there's not much he can do. Those sick patients relying on him to help them would trump me every time. That's a bitter pill for me to swallow, and I know it sounds selfish. His schedule will always be unforgiving. The rewards will largely only be felt by him - as the spouse, no one will recognize you in publications or at awards banquets, etc. The role of the trailing spouse is tough. But as I've told my therapist (who I had to find during our first year of med school because I was depressed) all of that shitty doctor-lifestyle stuff that you hear about and have to worry about doesn't outweigh how much I love him and want to be with him. It sounds pretty trite, but it's true.
I'm trying really hard myself to not focus on all the ways I'm worried that he'll disappoint me or won't be able to live up to what I thought I wanted. It's not a fair way to think. And honestly, he's really come through for me in many, many ways in our two years of medical school. He hasn't changed, if I'm being honest. He's more distracted sometimes, he's less focused and forgets more of the things I tell him, but that's okay. He makes a huge effort to be with me when he can and I can't really say that I feel like I've been abandoned or taken a backseat to medical school. I think what's more important to me is that when he's off the clock and not in doctor mode, he's still him. And he is, so far.
There are so many changes and challenges to worry about. That can't be avoided and it sucks. It's a really scary time for medicine and lots of what you hear as a med student/spouse is REALLY bleak and it is enough to drive you to tears thinking "god what did he/I get myself/ourselves into" because of so many healthcare changes. It's scary, and I don't know what to expect most of the time. But I love my husband and I trust him and I admire him, and I respect how hard he works to keep as many options open for us as possible. Coming to iMSN has taught me that a happy and fulfilling marriage and home life is not only entirely possible, but is the norm with a doctor spouse. There are disappointments and struggles and lonely times, yes, and some specialties are more unforgiving than others, but ultimately you will find here a cohort of spouses who are in it 100% with the people they love and are rewarded with successful, loving, dedicated spouses who make them happy and are wonderful partners and parents. I think there is a lot to think about when you consider other careers as well - my husband's father traveled 5 days a week for YEARS when my husband was a kid. He'd fly out on Sunday night and back in on Friday - only seeing his wife and two sons for about 14 hours before doing it all again. That's far more intense than you'd find with a doctor. Many careers are demanding, many careers force you to relocate to where the jobs are/where the demand is.
The prospect of a medical lifestyle can be bleak if you had certain expectations of your spouse/marriage - and I am saying that as someone who had all of those expectations. But it can and often is as happy and as normal as many other careers may be. If you love him, don't give up on him or his dream career. Share here, cumulatively, we've been through it all.
So...I can really relate to how you feel. While I understand and agree with some of what other people have said, I just want to let you know you're not alone in panicking thinking that the medical career will essentially steal your loved one from you - whether it's physically or emotionally, or both. I had all of those same fears, and still experience some of them.
Our background: we were together for 6 years prior to medical school. We got engaged six months before we found out he'd been accepted. We went through two application cycles. We were married about six weeks before we moved away for him to start first year. I hated moving. I hated where we had to move to - and TBH, I still don't like it. I hated that so much of what we had changed. Prior to medical school, in the 4 years we had between undergrad and starting med school, we both worked for two years in the same business park area. Which meant we frequently had lunches and worked the same hours. Saw each other all the time. Had the same schedule. For approx 1.5 years after that/before we started med school, we worked at the same hospital, working the exact same hours, riding to and from work together , etc. We were literally together 24/7 some weeks (aside from time at work, even though we would pass each other in the hospital, had lunches almost every day, met for coffee, etc.). It was wonderful for me. And for him. The adjustment to medical school was so, SO rough for me. Less so for him, because he was finally realizing his dream and he's more independent than I was/am.
To keep this short - my cliffsnotes are basically: this lifestyle is a huge adjustment. Personally, I have had to let go of some of the things I realy thought I wanted for my life: i.e.: the guarantee that we'll be able to live where we want; that my husband will be home for dinner at 6pm every night like my dad was; that my husband will be able to be a very present coparent; that my husband won't miss important child milestones or achievements or holidays. His career choice has actually made me question whether I want children - it seems like a fairly raw single parenting deal for many of the arduous training years. Selfishly, it's hard for me to accept that strangers will often be more important to him than me or his children if he's working. If we have an emergency but he's at the hospital working - there's not much he can do. Those sick patients relying on him to help them would trump me every time. That's a bitter pill for me to swallow, and I know it sounds selfish. His schedule will always be unforgiving. The rewards will largely only be felt by him - as the spouse, no one will recognize you in publications or at awards banquets, etc. The role of the trailing spouse is tough. But as I've told my therapist (who I had to find during our first year of med school because I was depressed) all of that shitty doctor-lifestyle stuff that you hear about and have to worry about doesn't outweigh how much I love him and want to be with him. It sounds pretty trite, but it's true.
I'm trying really hard myself to not focus on all the ways I'm worried that he'll disappoint me or won't be able to live up to what I thought I wanted. It's not a fair way to think. And honestly, he's really come through for me in many, many ways in our two years of medical school. He hasn't changed, if I'm being honest. He's more distracted sometimes, he's less focused and forgets more of the things I tell him, but that's okay. He makes a huge effort to be with me when he can and I can't really say that I feel like I've been abandoned or taken a backseat to medical school. I think what's more important to me is that when he's off the clock and not in doctor mode, he's still him. And he is, so far.
There are so many changes and challenges to worry about. That can't be avoided and it sucks. It's a really scary time for medicine and lots of what you hear as a med student/spouse is REALLY bleak and it is enough to drive you to tears thinking "god what did he/I get myself/ourselves into" because of so many healthcare changes. It's scary, and I don't know what to expect most of the time. But I love my husband and I trust him and I admire him, and I respect how hard he works to keep as many options open for us as possible. Coming to iMSN has taught me that a happy and fulfilling marriage and home life is not only entirely possible, but is the norm with a doctor spouse. There are disappointments and struggles and lonely times, yes, and some specialties are more unforgiving than others, but ultimately you will find here a cohort of spouses who are in it 100% with the people they love and are rewarded with successful, loving, dedicated spouses who make them happy and are wonderful partners and parents. I think there is a lot to think about when you consider other careers as well - my husband's father traveled 5 days a week for YEARS when my husband was a kid. He'd fly out on Sunday night and back in on Friday - only seeing his wife and two sons for about 14 hours before doing it all again. That's far more intense than you'd find with a doctor. Many careers are demanding, many careers force you to relocate to where the jobs are/where the demand is.
The prospect of a medical lifestyle can be bleak if you had certain expectations of your spouse/marriage - and I am saying that as someone who had all of those expectations. But it can and often is as happy and as normal as many other careers may be. If you love him, don't give up on him or his dream career. Share here, cumulatively, we've been through it all.
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