wife of a japanese cardiac surgeon

Hi everyone...it is great to find this list because I'm at the point where I could really do with a little support.

I hope it's OK to post here, even though we live in Japan and my husband finished his training and residency years ago. It looks like you guys are all based in the US, but this is the only site I could find that supports medical spouses. Please let me know if there are other resources!

I'm Australian, and my Japanese cardiac surgeon husband and I have been married for six months now. He's an incredible guy and we have a great connection, but the toll of the lifestyle is really showing on my emotional state these days. Japan has none of the controls on working hours or conditions that you enjoy(?) in the US, and the doctors work like slaves for their entire lives. Even though DH is already a surgeon, 100 hours a week is standard and there is no end in sight. I am losing it with an archaic and hierarchical system that has no flexibility, and in this country, spouses are completely ignored when it comes to work - never invited to dinners, conferences, and certainly not expected to complain when their partners have to work 36 hour shifts twice a week. I don't know any of the other spouses, and there is no way to, as the family is supposed to stay away from where their husbands work.

I had been living here a couple of years before we met and married, but we moved to a new city after the wedding, and I am feeling so incredibly cut off. Obviously it takes time to fit into a new community, and that period is much longer when you're a foreigner in Japan. I'm reasonably independent, but lately when DH goes on call, I often spend the night alone and in tears. My state is not good for either of us.

If anyone has any advice or words of support, I could really do with them now. Thanks in advance.

Hello Angelbright - so glad you found us. I'm Jill, my husband is a first-year ID fellow. There are a couple of people here that aren't in the U.S., and our founder spent time in Germany. It sounds like you are in a tough position - have you talked with your husband about your concerns and is he understanding? Perhaps some quality time together eg. a vacation will help reconnect you two. And maybe he can ask around to find out about other spouses for you to meet? The life of a medical spouse can really be tough. Welcome to the boards - you will find a lot of support here.

Thanks very much for your welcome and understanding. I wonder if I should have posted my problems somewhere other than this introduction board!?

DH is very understanding, as much as he can be given his situation, which he has no control over. But I think my stress is starting to get to him too. I just don't have anyone else who will understand my position. Japanese wives are kind of 'bred' for this, are supportive and encourage their husbands to work hard, so culturally I don't think they would really 'get' where I am coming from.

The idea of a holiday is nice, but has to remain an idea. Doctors here aren't allowed to take any time off, literally. DH works seven days a week, and has no annual leave. Theoretically he might be entitled to a week a year, but noone takes it, and I mean NOONE. Everyone knows that those above them would make their lives a living hell if they tried. This is the country that invented 'karoshi', the word that means 'death from overwork'.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, just this last week has been so hard to bear all alone. How do others of you cope in tough times? Thanks again for your reply.

[SuzySunshine]

angelbright, welcome to the boards and welcome to medical life. We may not be able to understand some of the restrictions that you are facing in Japan but we can be supportive. Please post as much as you'd like - we are always here to help.

I visited Japan (Tokyo) once as a business woman and I can understand to some extent what the culture is toward females. I wish you luck in finding friends in your new town, we are always here to help and listen even if we can't relate completely!

[Flynn]

Omigosh your situation sound LOUSY!!! I am so sorry for you!

I dealt with 90 - 120 hours a week for 4 years and royally sucked. The new 80 hour work week mandate in the states is a HUGE improvement. I was telling my husband just the other day that medicine must be "a calling" because no idiot would put themselves through residency otherwise and it looks like in your situation, you live like a resident's spouse even after they are done.

NO vacation? What is up with that???? I thought three assigned weeks was bad....your thoughts have sure added some perspective to my life!

I wish I had some words of wisdom or helpful advice. I don't other then to say I DO know what you are going through and people here are very understanding.

The catch-22 here is that if you build your own life up so you aren't so lonely, you drift apart in your marriage. You start living like roomates instead of married people. If you don't build your own life you will be lonely and depressed. Any chance he would want to move somewhere else other than Japan?

Are marriage was a rough go at the end of the 4 years of horrible hours. We didn't know eachother, we didn't feel connected, and it wasn't that big of a priority either. We were in survival mode -- a bad place to be. Now with the 80 hour rule, things are so much better because we see eachother!! Imagine that! I'm not sure I could have done much more of the 100 hour work weeks... Did you know how bad it was going to be when you were dating? How did you date if he was working all the time?

Can you talk to your husband about this? Respecting his culture is fine but he needs to respect yours as well -- your needs are important. You didn't marry his job, you married him!

That's about all I have. I wish you luck and really wish I could do more to help!

[SueC]

Wow! That does sound awful! We've done those kind of hours, but never for more than a month at a time, so I can't imagine what you're going through. Is it possible for him to find a job somewhere else, even outside of Japan? Or could he somehow hook you up with another wife in his department so you could have somebody to comiserate with? Best of luck to you and welcome to the boards! I hope things improve for you soon!

[DCJenn]

Welcome!

First. you can post anywhere you'd like! We have lots of people who have experienced at least someof what you're going through. I beleive that there are at least a few who have lived in Japan and can at least understand the cultural impact of your new life. We also have at least one person from Australia.

You have my sympathy regarding your current situation. It sounds like this is one of those issues that yourhusband is going to have tonegotiate with his employers- after all, he's the one with the skill set that they need. It's hard moving to a new city within your own country- I can imagine that moving after creating bonds in a different culture is that much harder.

Please feel free to post as often as you'd like-we have some occasional heated moments of discussion but 98% of the time, we're a truly supportive group!

Jenn

[houseelf]

Welcome Angel....

I think that we have a few things in common. I responded to your post in the "grand rounds" forum.

I hope that things turn around for you soon.

Kelly

[Meenah]

Welcome,
I also responded in the grand rounds forum.
Luanne