Hallelujah!

Finally, I feel I've found a safe haven! I am a young wife of a 5th year ENT resident. Though it will be his last year as a resident, we are not in the clear. Once his residency ends, we are headed down south to complete a fellowship. I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their honest postings about the hardships of residency. Never have I heard from any of the other spouses that what I was experiencing was a common issue. I've been feeling so alone because I have no friends who are also married to residents. Complaining to my husband just made everthing worse!! I love him and would never want to hurt him...I just needed some validation.
I myself am sick and tired of complaining to my husband of our situation. It's strange....medicine is so competitive that we spouses are not suppose to let anyone see us sweat, let alone have a nervous breakdown! Because of that I don't trust the other wives enough to share my feelings. Family and friends (non-medical spouses) don't quite understand and think that I am a big baby whinning.
Seeing many of our friends & family (not in medicine) buying homes, cars and having babies, while we are stuck in a position that does not allow us that freedom is very frustrating. I get angry that others are making so much more money and have so much, but yet are NOT saving lives and barely finished college! BTW, some have not even finished college and are making more money than my husband! I know that this will pay off in the end...it's just so hard when you're in it.

Welcome and glad you found us! I totally understand how you feel -- as do many other people here. It can be really tough at times to be a medical spouse. Post often and welcome!

thanks jillflower

Thank you jillflower for your reply! I feel so much better to know that there is a safe haven to express my frustration without judgement. I've been harboring all my anger, guilt and frustrations deep inside that it was killing me...until now.
Have you noticed that non-medicine couples can be particularily competitive when they find out your spouse is a resident physician? It's so difficult to meet quality people (couples) that you can trust. thanks again jillflower!

[Meenah]

Welcome and glad you found us. This site has saved my sanity and my marriage!!!!!! Just know you are not alone, and anything you are going through someone here has been through it, or is about to go through it with you. I look forward to getting to know you.
Luanne

Welcome, welcome, welcome!!

-Esther

[Flynn]

Welcome!!!!

This life we lead wears on you -- and it gets so layered sometimes you are not sure what really is wrong a lot of the time. Is it the hours, the lack of QT with your DH when he IS home, being poor, attendings who use residents as cheap labor? Take your pick. Once you have children the drama thickens because as the non-medical spouse you (more than likely) are the Dad and the Mom so your life is not about you (really at all sometimes) anymore. It's so wonderful and yet another challenging aspect of residency all at once.

I also feel that some medical spouses (women inparticular) can be very "our life is perfect" on the outside. It's like the first person to sigh and be frustrated can't take it.

At this site however you will find refreshing honesty and also tales from others that make your challenges pale in comparison. It's a nice place to go for perspective.

Again welcome. Post often and enjoy reading about the other members. No "issue" is too small. Vent and be healed!!!

Hi,

I HAD to reply to this April thread ~ I know exactly how you feel!

On the subject of non-medical couples and competitiveness: Yes, some people do get weird when they find out you or your husband is in medicine. Even worse, old friends start disappearing...some family members develop a chip on their shoulders...it's a real pain in the butt.

Though we tried to hang on to old friendships, it became impossible after a while. Though it was never an issue before, money suddenly became a frequent topic of conversation, sprinkled with comments like, "Oh...but YOU don't have to worry about that, do you?" or "What are you worried about? You make more than all of us put together!" and my favorite, "So, have you found that mansion yet?" (?!) Mind you, they all lived in houses, had nicer cars, went on vacations...things we had done without up until last year. And when I would speak up and say, "Hey, he's in training! He doesn't make a lot of money." they would reply with something like... "Ooooh, but later you'll be rolling in it."

Everyone had pulled away from us. We were hurt and couldn't understand it. We never talked about his job, we always tried to center conversations around them and their lives, and we certainly lived on less money. It didn't matter though. He was an MD, and that was all they could focus on. Eventually, we lost contact with everybody and developed casual friendships with other docs. I hate to say it, but the only people who don't feel threatened by us are other physicians, lawyers and others in a similar tax bracket. It sucks, but we've accepted it.

Competition amongst family members is something else you may have to deal with (though I hope not). There isn't much you can do about that.

As for other docs wives keeping stiff upper lips, I'm guilty. The grapevine is well established at our two hospitals. To open my mouth to anyone would be a mistake. Not only would my very private thoughts quickly become public, the details would get blown out of proportion. It would only come back to bite me in the butt, so I plant a huge smile on my face and say nothing that I wouldn't want repeated. In fact, the things I've said here...well...it's the FIRST time I have ever discussed how I really feel. The anonymity on this message board is priceless, and to be able to say what I'm really thinking is such a relief.

To call this place a "safe haven" is right on!

[PrincessFiona]

Kabu,

Feel free to vent anytime. We've all experienced the feelings that you have to one degree or another at diff. times in the training process. One of the issues that you bring up right now is one that is troubling for us as well...we worked hard to get through med school, residency, etc..and know what it is like to struggle to pay bills (or not be able to pay them at all)...but we've worked hard to buy the house that we have and to slowly be able to afford things like a vacation, etc.....We recently met some really nice people who did not finish college and work shiftwork...they have four children who are all within months in age of our children...and we got together several times.......I have to say that these people are really fun and we have a great time whenever we get together...but recently the husband came right out and asked me privately what my husband earned 8O and it kind of put a damper on things. I found myself feeling guilty for being in the position that we are today...which is still debt-ridden, but much, much more secure than we have ever been.

As for keeping a stiff upper lip....no need to do that here.....we pretty much let it all hang out. We also have private forum access (call room/marriage matters) available to all spouses who provide us with a residency review anonymously)

kris

My husband's cousin just asked me a few weeks ago about his salary. He said, "I don't want to be nosey, but it's over 100K, right?" Well, if he didn't want to be nosey, then why ask?

I refuse to feel guilty about anything we've managed to afford or put away in our savings. We've put off the very basics everyone else seemed to acquire early on ~ a house, a dependable car, a vacation ~ for the last 10 years, yet those who are quick to judge refuse to acknowledge that. I used to ignore the little comments, thinking it was the classy thing to do. Not anymore. And when you challenge these little digs with a reply like "He's worked very hard for the last 15 years...I think he's earned it." or "We've waited 11 years for a house. How long have you owned yours?", suddenly the critics have very little to say. They expect you to shut up and take it, and they're quite surprised when you answer back confidently.

You should never feel guilty, especially considering the sacrifices you've made as a family for his schooling and training. The fact that you're still in debt and paying for that very training says even more. No one handed success over to you and your husband ~ any success and joy you have now and in the future is thanks to you two alone.

I saw the Marriage Matters. I'm afraid I'm of no use to you as far as a residency review. It's been quite awhile. And I have no referrals for the Help section. But I did read that those with 50+ posts can apply. Perhaps I will go that route.