Wits End

[DrWahoo]

Hello everyone, I am so glad to have found this forum. My hubby is a 4th year medical student. We have one daughter 4 and expecting another one in September. Right now I am soo miserable and I can't tell if its my hormones or the situtation. I feel like I have bankrupted myself to fund my husband's success. I don't think being supportive is my problem, its feeling unappreciated or perhaps not knowing what this journey was going to require. Our biggest challenge has been financial. His school funded the first year of medical school, in hopes that he would eventually qualify for some loan. Because of his bad credit he didn't, and my dad offered to support us financially. Well my dad lost his job last year, so we moved in with my parents to cut cost. BIG MISTAKE. I was a stay-at-home mom with a part time job , but once we moved in with my parents and things got rough, my husband pressured me into getting a full time job so we could move out. I was a little nervous about being pregnant, not having the support of my parents while he was in school, and taking on the financial responsibilities, and explained to him this would only work if he helped out around the house. Right now he is doing an elective that ends around 5 and sometimes comes home before I do. But once he starts doing crazy rotations that require 24 hr duty and weekends, I don't expect him to be as helpful. The most he does is makes lunch, laundry on the weekends and dinner a couple of nights, but he complains I don't do anything around the house and worse my family treats him like he is god because he actually does housework. He doesn't seem to understand that his help is vital to the survival of our family, because if I get overstressed I am likely to go into pre-term labor (happened with our last child), which means bed rest, which means no money for our family. Honestly, if I saw that the few chores that he does would affect his schooling, I would understand, but I think he is just being selfish. I am really struggling with the accepting that medical school is more important than our family's day-to-day survival. Sure he will making thousands of dollars in a year or two, but if we can't eat today money in year won't cut it.

[Sheherezade]

First of all, welcome to iMSN! I'm sorry that you are experiencing such a rough time right now. As you will find with medical training (if you are like most of the people here), the bad times come and go. Hopefully, you can ride out this bad section and get on to a slightly better one. This is a great place to come and share your troubles. I completely relate to the situation you describe. It is so hard to have DH get praise for doing ....let's say.....a load of laundry while you are responsible for everything else. And no one notices. Not to mention, you are pregnant and working full-time. The best situation would be if you and your DH could lower the expectations of what will get done around the house over the training years. It is an unbelievable energy draining process for all involved. Getting out alive (and still married) is all that should be required. JMHO. You may never get the "outside world" to understand that, but we do here. Take a deep breath and try to take care of yourself. You don't want to end up on bed rest . So --how old is your first child? Does your DH know what he's doing next year? Are you moving or staying put? Stick around here. We've got your back. Also--poke around the sites main pages. There are some articles and links that sometimes get overlooked. Maybe they could offer some support.

[Sheherezade]

I am really struggling with the accepting that medical school is more important than our family's day-to-day survival. Sure he will making thousands of dollars in a year or two, but if we can't eat today money in year won't cut it.

Had to comment on this. My opinion is yes, it is worth it. It is a long haul. Still, for my DH this is what he wants to do. If he hadn't pursued medicine (or left it midtraining) he would probably have held that regret inside for the rest of his life. That --not the money in the end--is what makes the road worth it in this house. DH finished with his 4 yr. medschool, 4 year residency, 3 yr fellowship training last year. This has been our first year "out". Things are better (maybe that's why I'm positive ). I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say on this topic though. I think you have to have a strong, driving desire to keep up the enthusiasm along the way. If DH doesn't, that could make this question more difficult to answer. The money stuff will work itself out. Years of poverty to come, yes, and lots of debt. There are ways to make it better. Don't give up because of that.

[PrincessFiona]

Hi...and welcome aboard!

My husband is now about to finish his 4th year out of training (I can't believe it!!!). I remember being at exactly the point that you are right now. When my dh started internship in Germany (he is a german citizen who studied there of course) and I was pg with our first child the only job I could find despite having a bachelor's degree was as a dishwasher. It is a very different system....in order to even work a retail job you had to go to a 2 year training program and graduate with a 'retail certificate'. I eventually moved up to being a busboy and eventually switched jobs entirely. I was working at....McDonalds.... in the drive-thru during my entire pregnancy with my first. "Wilkommen bei McDonalds...Ihre Bestellung bitte!"

It was extremely stressful, but at that time, my dh's salary covered exactly our rent and utilities...there wasn't anything left over...not a penny. My salary paid for our groceries. After my son was born, I just couldn't force myself to go back...we ended up getting loans (the beginning of the financial black hole) to make it through those last 6 months in germany, and pay for our move to N. Ireland (where we lived for a year). There, he earned more and we were able to kind of wing it for the most part. We had our little girl while we were living there too..but then came US interviews, trips to find an apartment and the expensive move. We paid for this all on credit and financially...it was tough.

One of the problems with residency is that the pay is fairly low considering the cost of living and the number of hours that your spouse will work. There are families that survive somehow on 1/2 that, but I don't know how. I guess they don't have that same amount of debt and get some sort of public assistance!

In any case, there is hope and things will get better! I didn't think it was worth it the first two years out of training, but now, I definitely do.

Has your husband applied for any federal loans...or do they just cover the cost of his studies? Has he been into the financial aid office? Has he gotten a copy of his credit report to see what the problem areas are? Has there been any improvement in his credit over the last couple of years?

You guys have one tough year in front of you until he starts residency...and then I think the stress will ease up some depending on the amount of consumer debt that you have. I remember how awful it felt to count pennies to buy diapers or to have the credit card denied at the grocery store. (My worst memory!!!)

It will all be ok...you're entitled to your feelings and you aren't alone! Feel free to come here and let loose anytime. This is a great bunch of people. They are all very helpful and supportive.

Kris

[Meenah]

Welcome,
I'm glad you are here. This site is a lifesaver and a marriage saver. The medical life is alot of ups & downs. We are here for you.
Luanne

[houseelf]

Welcome,

I'm sorry to hear that things are going so rough. I know that by reading through our site, you will find many kindred souls.

Best wishes on making it to a happier place. Welcome to the boards.

Kelly

[DrWahoo]

Thank you, Thank you thank you

You guys are great. Already I feel the love and very encouraged. One of my friends prayed for me ( I am not a religious nut, but prayer seems to get me through the day), and my prayers were answered. DH and I had a heart to heart and he actually suggested that we get marraige counseling. I was so shocked, but thrilled that he would make that commitment.

He told me that he has been really stressed about out finances, his school put a hold on his account because he owes about $6,000. This means he can't take his USMLE 2, so he is really upset. Unfortuanately, because of his credit he doesn't qualify for any student loans outside of the federal ones, which don't even cover tuition anymore because the school has hiked tution 3 times. I don't understand why more financial institutions don't help med students who have bad credit, but eventually will be doctors. I would understand if he was 1 or 2 year student who hasn't passed step 1, but by 4th year the risk of him not completing his education is very low.

Oh well.