Newbie here!

Hello all,

I am a 28 year old female married to a family practitioner. I am soooo happy to have found this site. In the past I have searched for a community such as this and could never find one. Then yesterday I was determined to find one because things have taken a turn for the worst at home and I needed to feel like I wasn't so alone in this!

My hubby has, as most doctors have, dealt with death, had people die in his arms, forver has to let people know that they have a disease, etc. However, this week he has encountered a case that has him a mess. One of his favorite regular patients, has been diagnosed with cancer. Not only did having to tell this patient that he had cancer torture him, he is depressed, he is feeling extremely guilty for "not finding it earlier", he is just miserable. Looking into his eyes I can just feel his pain. He comes home and cries. He told me last night - I don't want to be a doctor anymore while he was crying into my shoulder. Hubby is in so much pain - and it is killing me!! I feel as if someone in our family has been diagnosed with cancer.

I guess I just needed to talk about it. His pain is causing me great pain. The wife in me wants to tell him "sweetie, it's not for you to worry about what will happen to his wife if he dies", but my human loving side sees how caring and sensitive he is and can't say anything. It's just hard. He told me himself that he will probably be coming home crying every night for awhile while he unloads his emotions. I just feel so helpless. I wish there is something I could do to help, but his job is so foriegn to me. I don't really understand what it is like to be a doctor nor will I ever fully understand.

It took me awhile to get over being jealous of his patients. Now I have to learn how to deal with his human reaction to a job which requires him to be both sensitive and caring while being callous and not caring. I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do, and almost feel guilty for feeling this way when he has to go through so much more with this than I do.

Anyway - I am glad to have found this group. Hope to see you around!


:chat:

[DCJenn]

Welcome aboard!

We're glad that you found us, particularly during this difficult time for you both. On the up side, it seems that your husband definitely found his niche in medicine. If only all FPs were that concerned about their patients.

I know that there have been some patients that my husband grew attached to, only to have them die. It's awful for them, isn't it?

Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

Jenn

[Meenah]

I'm glad you found us. My husband has been in practice for over 15 years, internal medicine,pulmonary and critical care. Just when I think he has become cold and calloused, he will come home and cry. There will always be that special patient, special family, and unfortunately the disease you didn't suspect early enough. That is life and medicine. Hang out with us, we have lots of experience. Collectively I think we are an awesome group.
Luanne

[Sheherezade]

Ouch. That sounds like a difficult situation. My DH is in oncology and I honestly don't know how he does it. He's had a few periods in training in which he's gotten very philosophical. We have some books -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying" is a classic. I think you have to get very spiritual to come to peace with treating dying patients. I'm sorry your husband is going through this. I know how hard it must be for you as well - on the outside looking in with no idea how to help him. Hopefully, he won't have to deal with this often. He must be a great FP. The only advice I can offer is to try to get him to remember that he is not responsible for the patient's illness. There is a saying --"We don't deal the cards, we just play them." Small comfort, I know, but it's the best I've got. I hope things get better. Oh, and welcome to iMSN!! Keep posting!

[lilponygirl]

I cannot imagine what you are going through; that feeling of helplessness...my heart goes out to both of you.

My husband has just started his 3rd year of medical school. I thought dealing with his absence and increased work load was hard to deal with, but this part of medicine hasn't even crossed my mind.

It sounds like you are doing all you can...trying to comfort him and be there when he needs you...but don't forget to find someone you can lean on too. There are tons of people here with open hearts. That's a heavy burden to handle, no matter how much we love and care for our spouse.

Hope things get better for you soon!

I'm new here, and don't have any experience in what you're dealing with, but know that when my husband feels like this, he has told me that me just "being" there helps him. Listen to him talk, encourage him to talk, and maybe speak with him about talking to someone where he works about things? That might be tough for him, but I'm sure that the discretionary actions they'd take would keep things quiet. Good luck and try hard to stay strong!