Introduction of Psanthe, brunette domestic goddess

Hello. I'm new. I just finished my master's in Math Education grades 7-12 this past May. Right now I'm looking for a September position.

My boyfriend starts his rotations on Tuesday. He's a third year. We're not married, which is an issue in itself. I was wondering if anyone has any tips on dealing with the lonliness. I stupidly assumed there would be a school-sponsered support group when this madness began two years ago.

[fluffhead]

Hi, Welcome!
My current incarnation is also as a high school math (and science) teacher. I'm teaching precalculus this summer! Are you looking in public or private schools?
Anyway, the major way to deal with his absence, is to have your own life. Sounds like you're doing that.
Sorry to say, it will get worse before it gets better, but on the other hand, you'll get used to it.

[SuzySunshine]

I agree, get your own life, make your own friends. It is unfortunate that your med school doesn't have a spouse group, it is possible that your residency choice might.

Welcome to the boards!

Sadly, I don't feel like I have my own life. About two years ago I left my hometown (where I attended Emma Willard School, an all-girls prep school that's offered me a job the last three summers for the school year that I have had to turn down despite the place being my idea of heaven, and where I attended college as well, at Rensselaer Polytechnic nstitute.)

So anyway, I left everything I knew and love (albeit by my own choice at the time) to come to the void of love that is Long Island. Two years here and I still have no friends.

Career is not what I had planned to have my life revolve around.

It takes about 4 hours to get home usually, so once I have a job, I won't even be able to see my family much.

I was warned off dating a med-student several times. Now I get the "it will be worth it one day" line. Ha! I've started asking these people "how?". It's not going to be in money, and I'm missing part of my life now. I intended to live for my relationship with my lover, family and friends. It's incredibly frustrating.

To boot, shortly into his program I discovered he'd been lying to me about something that hurt me a great deal. So there's suspicion and jealousy sometimes when he's not around much. How would I know where he is... or what he's doing?

[DCJenn]

Welcome-

You're in a tough situation. I'm sure that there are people here who are in a similar spot. All of us can relate to moving and knowing no one, feeling like you have no life and feeling pissed off and dependent on your disappearing medical love.

Yes, indeedy, the life of the medical spouse/fiance(e)/companion/
partner. Full of glamour and intrigue and oh, yeah, the toooooons of money that they're all making.

Welcome to the support group of all support groups. We have tons of previous posts that address your very same concerns.

Jenn

I guess I feel like I'm putting myself through this for possibly nothing. I mean, why should I have to suffer because of his life choice? Why should I roll over and take the lack of consideration on the part of the medical school system? I am NOT married. I COULD leave. Sometimes I feel like I must be insane to still be here, especially with what he did to me.
The posts seem to be about survival, about losing yourself in OTHER things. I guess I am very disappointed. I have a BS in engineering, so I thought I could handle it. I thought engineering programs really were the limit of what other humans could ask in a training program. The medical school system must be run by aliens.
My boyfriend kept saying it would get better... and it will, for him. He's about to start doing what he was interested in from doing this. It's not going to get better for me-- and should I not be #1?
Gah. Sometimes I am just looking for an excuse to leave him. I want to go home, to my family, to some of my friends, and to my high school that wants me to teach there.

I'm looking into both, though honestly I'd prefer private. Not many private schools exist on Long Island, however. The public systems are/were recently good, so not very many have sprung up. Where I'm from there are a lot of private schools because the public systems generally aren't great.

[Vishenka69]

Psanthe, is your BF in Stoney Brook? Don't know if you have a car, but we live in the area (sort of) and if can get to the city, we can meet up. DH's call schedule will be pretty brutal this year (especially after two of the residents in his program left), so I should have a lot of free time. As for teaching, one of my friends is an English teacher in Bronx Science. She tried looking for a job in private schools in the 'burbs but realized that a city job paid more (and was easier to get). If you have any specific questions, I can pass them along.

[PrincessFiona]

Have you telephoned the medical education office at the school to find out if they have a support group that just hasn't put its name out there yet? Of course, we're here for you 24/7 :>

It is hard....and it will get better, then worse, then better, then worse......but ultimately it is worth it in the end....if anything just to know that you helped him to accomplish his dreams.

I know you're struggling right now...make sure and carve out a date night each week when you can that is completely devoid of any med school talk! We did this in the early years of residency and parenting...agreed to go out and enjoy our time w/o discussing med training or our kids...and it helped us to reconnect...

You may have to think outside of the box in terms of career right now. In the long run, you may end up coming up with some excellent things to add to your resumee.

Hope you're feeling better today.

Kris

Well, that was all the poison. He's brought up the date night thing, I've brought up the date night thing. It just doesn't happen. He gets busy. He's not a person who does nothing, or relatively nothing.

I wish there were a solution, but my two years of experience match up with what I've been reading here-- and there is no solution. It's more of suffering and trying to deal. The problem is, if I help him with his dreams, who will help me with mine? They seem totally incompatible. I want marriage, a house, a dog, maybe some children. But he doesn't want to marry until he's done, and we'll be moving around, so why buy a house? he doesn't want me to get a dog, and I won't have children until I've been married several years, so I may be past my expiration date by then. I'm turning 25 next month. My mom was 24 for her first. I feel like I'm getting older and not getting anywhere with my dreams.

But I do love him. That's the rub. So I'll just have to suffer as long as I can take it.

[Flynn]

Ah yes. This sounds slightly familiar. I had to leave DH when we were dating to "snap him out of the self-involved stupor that is, "a career in medicine." I didn't do it for our relationship though. I did it for me and was almost 100% sure we were done when I called things off.

He woke up, grew up (some) and things got better. You will NEVER be first all the time if/when you marry a doc. It's just not realistic. Figure out what your needs are, if he can meet them, and more importantly, if he WANTS to meet your needs. It doesn't sound like he appreciates you right now at all.

Also, med school is a snap next to 98% of most residencies. Keep that in mind. Welcome and post often.

[Vishenka69]

Psanthe, I know exactly how you feel. We also didn't get married until DH was done with med school, at which point we were both 25. And we're waiting until he's done with training in order to buy a place of our own and start thinking about children. To me the waiting outweghts being a single mother. Don'g give up your dreams, but that doesn't mean that both of you can't compromise to reach a decision that will make both parties happy.

Too bad I've already invested 4 years in him. I'll manage one way or another. If it does turn out he's not going to pay enough attention to me, I can go home, take that job I would love, and pick up a graduate student at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. In the meantime I find I feel better when I don't think about it. Things are particularly strange right now because we're living with his mom and her boyfriend. All I've got on my plate is the job search.

On Tuesday I'm joining my family in Vermont. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Thanks all. ::hugs::