wife of 4th year student - loosing it!

[kas]

[i]Hi everyone.
I was looking for some support group, after a huge fight with my 4th year med student hubby. He is taking USMLE 2 in September, and the stress is upon both of us. He of course, just thinks it is upon him, determining the future of us and our one year old baby girl. I never expected the stresses that come along with marrying a med student. He started pre med right before we got married and I was thrilled. I still am, I know he will be a great doctor - but I need my husband to be around now. I am fortunate that we are in our home town and have our friends and family around but I haven't really seen him all summer, and he gets so upset when I go out and do things with our daughter - first time at the beach and pool - that he is missing. But I can't just sit home all summer and wait either. Its so hard to tell people that he can't come to that bbq, or that party or whatever- because he is studying. I don't think many people grasp the concept of what is involved here. So I am glad I found this site. So I know Im not alone. He is starting a new rotation tomorrow - and studying like a madman. Of course I complain about not seeing him, and him not being around - but thats normal right? Im not the only one crying about eating dinner alone am I?

-D - wife of 4th year med student :argue:

[Sheherezade]

Welcome to iMSN. You are certainly not alone at that soggy dinner table. In fact, pull up a chair with the rest of us! It is good that you are getting out and doing things without your DH. I'm sorry he doesn't understand, but you can't put your life on hold. It is better for the both of you for you to have your own interests and activities while he is so busy. Boards are a very stressful time. (Several of us are feeling that pain right now!) Feel free to come here anytime to vent or commiserate. We've all been there and will be there again.

What does your husband want to do his residency in?

[Meenah]

Welcome and glad you found us. Read through the posts here, and if brave enough have your DH read some of them. It is a long roller coaster ride and we are here with you. You will always find someone here who has been where you are or where you have been or are going!!!
Luanne

[pstone]

Welcome

Although I am new to this site as well, I have finished the med-school part of my wife's training. Unfortunatly that does not mean I can offer any more help then take care of yourself. Our little boy is 9 months now, and the only thing that I have learned to do is to make sure that "our" kid never does anything for the first time when mom is away. I don't mean that he does not do these things, I just tell her the first time is with her. I think she really knows, but I feel that it keeps her from thinking she missed things. I also remind her that as she finishes residency he will be the age when he really starts to remember things....shrug...not much help I know.

[Sheherezade]

Good man, Peter. That's a very kind way of handling things. Even if she knows. I wish I'd thought of that!

[Flynn]

Welcome!!! This is a great site - I wish I had found it sooner!!! It might have really helped me cope better early on in the training process when the 80 hour work week didn't exist.

Residency is brutal so the sooner you can come to terms with the fact that your DH won't be around all that much FOR YEARS -- the sooner you can make a life both with him and without him. Truly that's how you servive. Your DH needs to understand that "being dialed in" to his family is as important (if not MORE) than studying. That doesn't mean he needs to spend equal time with both. There just are ways for him to be "involved" much more than he sounds now with not a lot more time away from his books. A little effort on his part will go a long way and that's HIS responsiblity. I won't say much more now but I encourage you to read, read read here!!!

Post often and welcome!

Hi, welcome,! I am new here as well and I don't think I can offer much help as my husband is just starting medical school but I wanted to say hi and I hope that you find this group supportive and helpful!

But I can't just sit home all summer and wait either. Its so hard to tell people that he can't come to that bbq, or that party or whatever- because he is studying. I don't think many people grasp the concept of what is involved here.

That is the spirit! This will serve you well for residency. I do think there are times to cancel plans and stay home if you haven't seen each other for a while, but if you are staying home only because he can't go with you.....then go! It really helps to get out and see friends and family. Even if they don't get the medical training life. (And they probably won't *deep breath*).

Post often!

[kas]

He loves pathology and will probably go for that.
Is it possible that from stress and sleep deprevation, he becomes someone I don't really know. I mean not acting like his sweet loving self, but moody, cranky, miserable! Oh, and how long does that last?
-D

[DCJenn]

How long does that last?

There's two thoughts to this answer. Either I tell you the truth and you off him tonight, or I tell you an outright lie and you come to DC and kick me in the shins.

The real answer is that it varies throughout training. Even now, as we're finishing the fellowship. Crankiness for my household is directly in proportion to how many adult neurology patients he has to see. He's a Child Neurology fellow, so any adult patient is not exactly his ideal. The crankiness never goes away entirely that I've found, but then again, we've been in training since we met. and by we, I mean he's been training and I've been online here.

Jenn

[Sheherezade]

You are too funny, Jenn. Honestly - I think this SAHP gig has brought out the stand-up comic in you!

I was going to say the same thing (about the crankiness) but didn't have the guts. I p**sed off too many people with that whole "attending jobs suck too" thread.

[Meenah]

Oh Angie sister, don't get me started on the Attendings!!!
Luanne

I definitely love the honesty! Spouses were honest with me before starting med school, but I thought it couldn't possibly be as bad as all that. Boy was I in for a ride! I learned that every time he started a new year (July/Aug) or geared up for his inservice exams/boards (Feb/March) I would be "putting up with" him. But I also realized that he put up with alot from me. The best thing I learned was to enjoy going places by myself (and that $ spent on babysitters was $ well spent). I went to movies, restaurants, church and social gatherings by myself. I was very self-conscious at first, but got used to it and even learned to enjoy being by myself. Of course I grabbed friends when possible, but knew I'd never go anywhere if I waited around for my hubby. He had to learn to deal with that. We went through the whole "he's making the money and I'm spending it" garbage and him being jealous that I get to spend time with the kids and do things. There were times we didn't like each other, times we didn't even recognize each other. But we made all our major decisions together (to get married, have kids, med school, join Army), so we knew we were responsible for the outcome. Through meeting other spouses, I've learned that no matter the job, the kid situation, the income, etc. marriage is always work and distractions will always be there. The major difference for us is time (or lack thereof) with our spouse. I also learned never to expect a non-doc spouse to understand. They can listen and pat you on the back, but when it comes to advice they cannot give it (at least not effectively). Whew! This is really turning into a novel. I guess I agree with everyone else: Have a life of your own, but include your husband whenever it's possible. Basically, he learned to do the same: have a life of his own (med school/training), but include me when possible (social events, medical conversations, letting me be there for him when he needed to gripe). Hope I've made some sense here. Good luck!

Sara

Welcome! My DH is a 4th year too--he's taking the big test in early November and is taking the month of October off to study, so I'm dreading it BIG TIME!

I think that I'm in mourning for our relationship, if that makes any sense. Every time that I'm home for twelve hours straight with the kids or I get a call from him that rounds are running late or I can't sleep because he's on overnight call, I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and think, "this is really how it's going to be for the rest of my life." I'm stuck on that right now and am just feeling really sorry for myself. I know I need to get over it and move on, but it's hard to try and figure out how I'm going to start doing things for myself when I'm practically a single parent and don't have any time or money to create things for just me.

Ok, I'll stop hijacking the thread with my pity party--but anyway, I know what you're going through because I'm doing it myself right now, so post often because I'm right there with ya!

[kas]

I totally understand the mourning of the relationship. Because you think about all the stuff you use to do together and it seems it will never be again. I would love to just sit on the couch and watch a movie with him, but I can't remember the last time we did that.

I just got back from my nephews 7th birthday, alone of course, and I don't know what is worse, feeling sorry for myself, or the pity I see in my family's eye - feeling sorry for me. (Oh, she is always alone).
I just CAN'T wait until this test is over!!!!! He really has been pretty lucky with his rotations. They haven't been too grueling- it is the studying that is the killer. He can not sit for a second without thinking he should be studying. We have been lucky to be in our hometown-so the pressure is on to stay here when applying for residencys.

I know how hard it is to wake up in the middle of the night with your baby, and your husband is not home. It is such a lonley feeling.
All I can say is that when he is studying for the test, try not to B*#@!* and complain too much - it only makes matters worse! It won't last forever. We will one day have our husband back - and it will all be worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!