If I had known...

[SuzySunshine]

It definitely varies by specialty and program. My DH's intern year was fine, his PGY-2 year has been terrible and I'm told by older neurosurgery wives at our program that it is the worst besides Cheif year. Luckily next quarter he gets a reprieve with neurology which is shift work.

Hang in there.

[DCJenn]

I can say unequivocally that internship year (peds) sucked ass and third year of neurology fellowship is a close second. In fact, it's only in second place because once it's over, we really do get to be staff.

I wasn't around for the first 2 years of medical school (thanks ex-girlfriend, aka Depression Girl) and of the 14 months we dated (1/2 of 3rd year and all of 4th, he was gone doing outside rotations, so- I didn't suffer in the least. Needless to say, residency was a bit of a shock. (my date of joining iMSN? February 2001- after a brutal month of internship year and a successful internet search- and I've been here ever since!)

Jenn

The absolute worst year of my life was first year med school...8 years ago so I guess I survived it! DH was scared and didn't know what he was doing; we had 2 babies & I had depression; $ was non-existent; I wasn't having any of my "needs" met & my hubby & I simply didn't like eachother!

Fourth year med school was the best.

Internship year for me was actually pretty good. It was surgery, so it was very rough, but I was prepared mentally for it. I had decided after match day that internship was going to be horrible and I could make myself miserable or I could have a productive year. I decided to have absolutely NO expectations of my DH whatsoever. I never expected him to help at home or with the kids, never expected him to be there. As a result I learned to take care of my own needs and was pleased any time he jumped in & helped or came to something.

First year ENT residency was bad, however. I expected him to be home more than his internship year and had the idea that after internship life would get easier...big mistake! He was also back to being terrified (he'd never admit that) since he was so unsure of himself and bottom of the todem pole again. I'm sure next year will be rough again since he'll be on his own for the first time.

Sara

:chat: I forgot to add: The "attention" thing never really gets better. Your needs just adapt and you learn to cope (& deal with true loneliness). There are still nights I cry or feel resentful because he's doing research or dictating cases and hasn't said more than "How was your day?" (without listening for an answer) all week. I will always play second to his being a doc unless it's an emergency (I played first last year when I was hospitalized). Being a doc is a lifestyle (much like being a mom is) and it doesn't end after hours. That's not to say he doesn't care, just that he can only juggle so much at once & needs me to remind him when it's imperative that he be "there". I guess I've become a realist. I still have a very fulfilling life, however, it just doesn't always include or revolve around him. Hope those thoughts don't depress you too much...I'd just rather tell you the truth as I see it.

Sara

Lots of great advice above. I was unable to tell if this was your husband's first semester from your initial post. If that is the case, this is a very difficult time for him. I'm not trying to suggest that you don't realize this or that your feelings don't matter.

But the first semester is a brand new ballgame. The amount of work, the newness of anatomy, and the incredible workload that is foisted on them will make the most confident of the bunch nervous.

If he's physically tired and emotionally overwhelmed, he may feel that he can't let you know that is the case. Most med students (big generalization ahead) are really driven and have been accustomed to being top dog throughout their lives. The first semester shakes up everything they thought they knew about themselves. It's a very different experience to go from being the best at everything to praying that you pass the next exam.

Though you didn't mention this, I wonder if a lack of physical interest has you worried. I'm not trying to delve into the personal here, but I just wanted to let you know something from a man's perspective. This adjustment period -- mentally and physically may be the first time in your relationship that he doesn't seem as eager to be physically intimate as usual. This is not a reflection of something changing in your relationship. It's a reflection that his world has been turned upside down in the past few weeks.

Try as much as possible (as others have said) to cultivate friendships and hobbies that are totally separate from your husband's academic life. This will serve you well for the years to come. Even a few years into this game, I'm still learning. Currently, my wife is 3 plus hours away on rotation. This weekend I've been golfing with friends (not that you need to be interested in that). Tonight, I may catch March of the Penguins at the theater. Keeping active and connected to others outside the medical life is not just helpful -- it is essential.

Good luck! You can do it.

Sometimes the truth is hard to hear and even harder to admit to ourselves, but I feel obligated to say it anyway (at least my version of the truth). I know I didn't listen when others told me how horrible med school, etc would be & how hard on our marriage. I thought we'd be immune because we were (and still are) committed to each other. That doesn't mean it wasn't just as rough as everyone said!

Sara