Help please

I just found this site and am grateful... I'll try to be short... My ex-gf, whom i love more than anything is a first yr med student at UNMC in omaha. I'm in my last year of college 8 hrs away... We've been apart since June. She knows that I love her more than anything, and that I'd give anything to be back w/ her, at least i tell her anyways. She says that med school is her life now and she doesn't have time for people outside of med school. She also said that she needed some time to herself to grow as an individual, and that I could use that too... I agree with all of that. The thing is, is that I would love nothing more than to be down there and cook her supper every once in a while, walk the dog, and keep things in order, so she can focus... I now see how hard it is on relationships when med school starts. I'm going crazy not hearing from her all the time. I last talked to her on the phone almost 2 weeks ago, we talked briefly on msn every day or so. Do I just flat out leave her alone for now or what should i do? I only need 8 credits next semester, and have thought about moving down after fall semester, doing an internshup and getting an appartment, but I'm not sure... I'm afraid that by not being there i'll lose her to some other guy. I don't want to make things worse for her than it is already either. Is there anything I can do to help her from here? I'm just clueless as to what to do... thank you everyone for letting me vent...

[DCJenn]

Hey there-

From where I sit, I have to be honest, she's right.

Medical school is a horrific adjustment and it sounds like she's needing some space and time to figure it out. I'm sure she will, but in the mean time probably the most supportive thing you can do is not cling to the hope of reconciliation.

You MAY lose her to someone else someday, but it's far more likely that you've already lost her to the medical world. They all disappear into the abyss every once in a while, and those are the ones with 'official' attachments. Trust me, send her a care package, a thinking of you card or a Starbucks gift card every once in a while, and let her get through this in her own way.

We've all had to figure out how to be as independent as possible because you absolutely cannot count on your partner being there when they're in the nasty world or medicine, especially during training. YOU focus on YOU and see what happens later.

Good luck-

Jenn

[spotty_dog]

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Entering medical school is a life changing event. And your GF is not the only student to believe that performing well in school means throwing all of their energy at schoolwork and leaving none for outside activities or relationships.

As it turns out, that's a fallacy -- at least for the med students I know. The most successful students, including my husband who is near the top of his class, have rich and fulfilling lives outside of school that provide balance to their heavy workload.

But I don't think that the way to convince your ex-girlfriend of this is to follow her against her express wishes and attempt to foist your well meaning support on her. I hate to say it, but it's possible she never had long term intentions with you -- med school might just be an excuse.

So make sure she knows you are emotionally available to support her, mention in passing if she complains about housework that you'd sure like to be around to help her out with that, maybe offer to come down and celebrate quietly some weekend after a big test when she can loosen up a bit from studying. If you really enjoy spending time together, she'll realize what she's missing. If she's not interested in being with you though, you need to think about moving on.

Good luck. You've found a great place for advice and commisseration.

(For what it's worth, there's a situation like that at my school with a happy ending. College sweethearts with a very emotionally charged relationship -- by which I mean they LOVED to fight and make up and spend a lot of energy on each other -- broke up shortly after she entered med school. They were still friends for the most part, and lived nearby, but the guy pined for the girl. They got back together and broke up a few times before deciding to put in the effort and make it work. They're getting married next month, and he's looking forward to being her support during residency.)

thanks so much. What you both have said makes a lot of sense... I'm trying to find a weekend to come down and see her and see how that goes. I'm going to try to not be as much of a bother to her as i have been. I realize that I need to help myself out, and do things for myself. BTW she seems to be doing great down there... She has the new outlook on life and is really happy, she's made friends w/ students in her study groups and goes out w/ them quite a bit i think... As aweful as it sounds, i get jealous of her friends down there, and the fact that she is doing so well w/ out me. I'll post any news that comes, and let you know how it goes... I have really enjoyed reading others trials and tribulations on here, and that has helped me immenesly... Thanks again...

I'm trying to find a weekend to come down and see her and see how that goes. I'm going to try to not be as much of a bother to her as i have been.

Sorry it's tough when relationships end (you did write ex-girlfriend). Try and really think about what might be wrong with the two sentences above (not trying to be harsh, just direct). You realize that you've been bothering her - yet you are making plans to visit her. Does she know you're planning this visit?

Focus on yourself and your life that will go on with or without her. Try to get involved with your studies and your friends. If you reconnect with yourself and your priorities apart from her it will be good for both you and her.

On the other hand, if you're becoming a bother (as you yourself acknowledge) to her, that's not good for you or for her.

Good luck.

She's aware of me planning on seeing her sometime, and she was happy to hear that. As far as me saying that I'm bothering her, I should said that I was just taking up valuable time she could have spent studying... She actually just called me half an hour ago and informed me she had the highest grade on their first exam they took. She got a 92 when the average was in the 70's... She's gonna kick some serious butt there... I forgot what butterflies felt like until I heard her voice on the phone... God I miss her. Thanks for the help and criticism, I need it.

She actually just called me half an hour ago

Okay, I feel a little better now. I had these visions of you calling her incessantly and her hiding from the phone.

I would still caution you (more for your sake now than even for hers) to be careful.

I hope things turn around -- if that's best for both of you. But I would tell anyone in your situation not to make a major decision like moving to her locale (just based on the information you've given).

I think there could be two things going on from her perspective: (1) as Alison said, maybe she thinks she has to throw all of herself into school in order to succeed or (2) she does not want to continue the relationship. If it's the former, then it would be good for her to know that the medical students who do best and are the happiest are those in stable, loving relationships.

In either case, what you could do is be there for her and offer to make dinner, walk the dog, etc., to help her with her studies. See how she responds to that. If it's positive, great. If it's negative, then maybe the situation is the latter one of the two.

Michelle

[lilponygirl]

As aweful as it sounds, i get jealous of her friends down there, and the fact that she is doing so well w/ out me.

I know how you feel. When you are on this end of the med school life, it can really suck sometimes. It sounds so selfish to think those things, but they are feelings. Unfortunately, a lot may have to do with your own self-esteem. That's what I've realized, at least. Since DH started med school he has made many more friends and since starting clinicals he's meeting even more people. When he talks about them I realize how I start to feel jealous that they get experience all this stuff with him and all I get to do is hear the highlights when he comes home at night. It doesn't make sense that I can miss him so much while he's gone, yet he doesn't seem to mind a bit. The truth his, he really does, he just has so much else on his mind that it's hard to balance it all. He's not doing anything wrong, it's my own insecurities coming out.

Like the other posts said, if you put more focus into healing yourself and making yourself happy (by doing things that don't involve her) then you may be able to prove to her that, even though you love her, you can survive without her. It's a lot of pressure to know that someone else's happiness lies on your shoulders. I'm only saying all this because I've experienced it all too well. If I'm off base, I apologize. Just wanted to put in my two cents.

Hope things work out, no matter what the outcome...