Me in a nutshell

sThe best way to start a new post is by giving a little background on me.


I’m the GF of a 4th year. Although my 4th year PhD/MD is instate it's been very difficult. The time we spend apart makes it seem as if he's in a different country. At least the PhD portion is behind us . Now he is beginning to start interviewing for Residency.

I met my soul mate while we were in high school. Although we never dated there was always an attraction. I guess the time was never right for either one of us. After many years (I won’t say how many) we ran into reach other and have been together every since. We started dating at the beginning of his 3rd year and first set of rotations. Every week it seems that he wanted to make the decision that maybe we should wait to be together. This would always happened when his schedule was heavy and he really didn't think I could handle the fact I wasn't first.

What makes my story a little different is the fact he is also a full-time dad to two great 6 and 9 years boys. He has been divorced for 4 years and has been the main caregiver for this time. He has a great support network from family (sisters) and godparents. So what’s the problem? He still has not figure how to balance me in the equation. When things get hairy I’m the first thing to go. The time he spends with his children and family is important. I know he doesn’t always have control over his schedule. He also has high standards. I believe just like him, why go through this experience if you aren't going to go full tilt.

But lately I've become the "girl waiting by the phone." Something I've never been. I am a profession, with other interest, but I've been flexible to accommodate his schedule. There has always been the time when he was the "invisible man". He'd disappear for weeks at a time. No call. I understood this. I just hoped things would get better. But now he making promises that he not keeping. This week we were supposed to get together. The boys were with their mom. He called on a Thursday. No last minute. Dinner on Friday. He was on call on Saturday, the last call of this rotation. Needless to say he decide to change his call to Friday. He didn't notify me of this until it was too late for me to make other plans. I forgave it and rescheduled for Saturday (his ideal). I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen after spending an overnight in the ED. In fact I wanted to reschedule so he could get some sleep. But, Saturday no call/no show. Worst than that he did not return my call. No excuse for this.

Lately he has been in this tunnel. Even more so. Not making an excuse for his behavior. He’s apologizing about the lack of money and his older car. He’s almost secretive about his Match. He’s staying in state this much I’m sure of. But I’m at my wits end. We don’t have a super long history. I wasn’t with him from the beginning. I’m amazed at what he has done. I don’t know how else to support him. I don’t know how to get him to let me in more. I know it hasn’t been easy following his dream. He has told me the biggest fear he has is that I’d call his selfish.

I guess this is just a vent. I wanted to share with others who might understand. Most of my friends tell me to force his hand. Make him spend more time with you. I know if he had more time he would (not making excuses). How do I work on this area of our relationship without making him feel worse? He’s a super confident guy. But there are times when I look in his eyes and I see it! The fear and confusion. I back way because I don’t want to seem like I kicking a man while he’s down.

What will Residency be like?

Thanks for reading.

[DCJenn]

What will residency be like? Exactly like medical school except much, much worse.

You're in a tough spot, that's for sure. There's no way to "force" anyone's hand, really and the typical way that the majority of the spouses here deal with emotional issues is to shut down and retreat.

The life of the medical spouse is hard, but we have a little more leeway than the GF/BF of a medical person. They know that they have to answer to their spouses but can walk away from the GF/BF. It stinks, to be sure.

So, welcome and post away and let us know how things turn out.

Jenn

PS- the secrecy about the match thing? He can't know where he's matched yet, can he?

Thanks for the response. No he doesn't know where he'll Match. Just that the list of programs he's interested is so hush, hush

It is weird. He's such an incredible guy. I know it hasn’t been easy for him. I get the feeling sometimes he’s been the only person who believes in him. He’s family is supportive, but how do you explain to people you want to dedicate so much of your life to studying and research. Constantly being asked the question, when will you graduate?

I think I’m uncomfortable because I don’t have the war stories? I can’t talk about how I supported him financially and how much I sacrificed for him. To the outside world all they seem to think is “one day he’ll be making all this money.” That’s not why I’m with him. His only request is that I hang in there with him. We talk about our future. But in the end his main concern is how his children will weather this experience. And all the pain and suffering is for them. It’s so hard to come in to tell someone how he should live his life.

Re: The Match. Who am I to tell him which program is best for him? I guess I’m just as over whelmed as he is.

:chat:

[Flynn]

The fact that he's not sharing information about the match - - to me that is very telling. The fact that he didn't return your call after basically standing you up. That's unacceptable. No ifs ands or buts about it.


Does he think you are his soulmate? Has he told you this? His actions say otherwise.

There are so many issues AGAINST this relationship --- the only way it would work is if you were meant to be in the stars...

Divorce, children, and on the verge of STARTING a residency....that's more that anyone should have to deal with. Residency is bad enough when you are married and #2 on the list (#1 being the job). Add in children, an ex-wife and where you are on the priority list -- a sure fire way to disaster.

Tread lightly and be ready to give him TONS of space. It might be the only way either of you know where your relationship falls on his "list." Right now based on his behavior I would say run for the hills....

Ouch!!!

Flynn-

You're absolutely right.

BF and I had a long talk last night. Really long talk last night. He has accepted responsibility for his lack of consideration. (Lack of sleep and makeup oral exam with surgical department head.) We both have not been asking for what we need from each other. I must confess part of the problem is my having a lay back approach to our relationship. I don’t ask questions, but I want total disclosure. He’s always answered any question that I’ve asked him, even if the answer in brutally honest. He thinks that since I don’t ask questions I have no concerns. I want answers without asking questions. (Go figure). I think we both are very close with our emotions.

When asked about his residency selections he rattled off where and why these programs are important to him. We also discussed the benefits for us. My describing his process as hush, hush might have been a little dramatic. My main complaint no call/no show hit a nerve. He never did it before and from our conversation this will never happen again. I guess I've been reading so much about the stress relationships are under, I'm looking for early signs that may or may not exist. Or am creating those stressors.

As I read this post, it seems as if it was written by a totally different person. That's the slap in the face you get when you write something and send it out on the web .

Confession:
On a physical note I feel great about us. You know that alarming feeling you get that tells you fight or flee. It's not there. I just miss him.

Peace -y

[spotty_dog]

Sounds great to me.

Hey, I live with and am married to my MS-4, and he's totally committed to making sure I'm happy with his Match, and yet I get that hush-hush vibe. I think at this point it's partly ego -- he's uncertain about the process, lacking confidence in the strength of his app -- and he doesn't want to share that weakness with me. I honestly have mostly a rough idea of where he's applied; however, he's shared every time he's gotten an invitation to interview. He's also glad to get my input when I research quality of life in different areas, or when I found the scutwork website for him, or when I poll online communities for more individual thoughts about programs and communities.

I'm glad you were able to have a good talk. Being on the same page is a great feeling.