New to the forum

[Tenacious_D]

Hi all,

I am a new wife of a first year Med student. My husband and I have been together for a little over 6 years and love each other dearly. It's hard for me right now because I feel like he is starting this great new life and I am missing out on a lot of it. I work full time to support us. He and I are a little older than most of his classmates. I have tried to connect with them but most are still young and not into the serious relationship stage of their lives.

I feel like I am so jealous most of the time and my hubby doesn't really understand why. I have a hard time explaining why that is. I also feel like his fellow med students really don't respect me as his wife. They seem like they are totally into themselves and other MED students only. I am not sure what to do to make myself feel better. I don't want to stop my hubby from going to events but I do feel rather uncomfortable when I go to some of them. All they talk about is their cadavear and other inside stories and jokes that I really can't take part in.

When we visited schools, I was excited about the school we ended up going to because they supposedly had a spouse support group and now that I am here it seems to be non-existent. I am sorry that my first post is so long and depressing but I am just trying to figure out what I need to do and who I can turn to who understands where I am coming from. thanks for listening!

-LDRO

[rainbabies]

[spotty_dog]

Welcome! Oh man have I been in your shoes. We were actually engaged just before first year, and had been together about five years at that point. We were a couple of years older than most of the students. (Well, Nick was. I was about their age. )

He went to class, hung out with people, studied with people. I went to work with a handful of women older than myself.

But then we started throwing weekly barbeques. We invited students and their SOs over for a potluck dinner and board games or movies. It was a lot of fun and although there was a lot of that in-joke, medical speak stuff, we soon got comfortable enough together where the spouses could either demand that they explain the in-joke or change the subject.

Anyway, good luck. And it sounds depressing, but...get used to being alone, too. You need to be able to have a fun and fulfilling life when your husband starts into clinicals (might go days without seeing him awake and functional) and residency (might go months).

[Tenacious_D]

Thanks

Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how good it feels to hear someone else say "I understand." I have joined a local squash club to give myself something to do at least a few times a month. My hope is that my hubby will find other couples at his school so I can organize social gatherings. I guess it is going to take some getting used to.

thanks for the comments and I am so glad I found you all. I think the road will be a lot easier knowing that i have others I can turn to who understand my point of view.

By the way, was there anything anyone did to supress that horrible jealous feeling? I really don't want to feel this way but when I am home alone and he comes back from some anatomy group bonding session, I do get a little sad and jealous.

[DCJenn]

Welcome aboard!

As you will see from the intros and from the various other posts, we are a widely diverse group but the beauty is- someone has always "been there done that" and someone else is EXACTLY where you are. Both points of view can help.

Come back, post or lurk as you wish (we of course, love posters!) and you will get through this.

Jenn

PS- the best thing you can do to rid yourself of the green-eyed monster is admit to your hubby that it exists! There's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, I know you've got a lot on your plate, and oh, that's my point!" Keep finding activities to do (I was never in as good shape as when my husband, then boyfriend was an M4!) and you will make friends.

as for the social stuff- have a holiday open house, make sure that they bring their significant others and it will happen. We have several VERY good friends from med school and residency- only those who have been there understand after all! (It also ended up being me and the male spouses as the female spouses had kids and weren't into the same kinds of activities- so we'd sit around on lawn chairs drinking beer and making fun of all of them...)

[Tenacious_D]

I actually laughed out loud reading your post, Laura, b/c I sometimes wonder about some of my hubby's fellow med students. They all seem so socially awkward. They don't know how to deal with someone non-med interacting with them. I am trying my best to give them and myself time to adjust. I just recently realized that I am going to have to share my hubby with others ! I just got over dealing with his mother (who I think still blames me for us moving to NYC for Med school instead of staying in MA near her) wanting to have his attention most of the time.
Someone needs to write a book for SO's of MED students and residents, I'd read it!

[rainbabies]

Re: Thanks

[Tenacious_D]

That's what worries me. The man I married was the sweetest man I ever met. That hasn't changed but I worry what kind of influence his med school "friends" might have on him. Take for example: before Med school, we talked about having kids before I turned 30, which is somewhat important to me. He agreed and thought it was a good idea. Now, all of a sudden having kids while in Med school seems to be a dream of the past. I don't know if it's because none of his friends in school are at that stage (like our friends from back home) or if he's just overwhelmed by these new surroundings and experiences. Who knows!?!
I should say that he and I still have a wonderful time together but he and I are definitely dealing with a lot more than we ever had before. Trying to stay positive

-LDRO

I take a yoga class at the med school library.

Mostly med students, some hospital staff, some nursing students. I am the only non- student.

When they talk about postures, they use very very specific terms...rather than lower back, they will tell you exactly which muslces and bones the posture deals with. Its hilarious. Med students are big old geeks.

[rainbabies]

[Tenacious_D]

so true!

LDRO,

Welcome! You've got some great advice so far. I think it's totally normal to feel a little jealous.

Pre-medical school, I was more of the jealous type. But I learned (and am still learning) to take a step back and really evaluate what my feelings (and how I act on them) say about me. With some introspection, I found out that I really didn't like who that jealous guy was. I was able to figure out where some of that came from (a lot from childhood). Sorry, I'm not going to hijaack and go Freudian.

So, after I got some insight, I tried the second part which was working on my responses. I found out a big problem was creating "scenarios" in my head -- that were often, if I really thought about it, pretty divorced from what the reality was.

I think taking a step back when appears, evaluating your responses, and seeing your reactions as a choice are critical. From my vantage point, I'm not so sure that any talk with your hubby about your feelings is going to be very productive until you have some time to reflect more on your own. I only say that because the dumbest things would fly out of my mouth while in the throes of jealousy -- and it's cliche but you really can't totally take some things back.

I'll stop babbling soon, I promise. I think it's great you are confronting these feelings. Definitely, sooner is better than later. And I'll echo the advice of others about reaching out, finding things you like to do, etc. I think it's critical to work on these things now because the medical lifestyle is for the long haul.

Also, I remember DW and all of her classmates really drowning in work the first semester especially. So, I don't really think this transition period is the best time to be expecting or having many "big issue" talks such as the children question.

Ditto on the self-absorbed, geeky med students -- with one caveat. I think it takes some time to find people you're compatible with and the folks you see in the first semester may definitely not be representative of the folks that you'll run into next semester or in the following years.

[Tenacious_D]

Thanks for the advice, Kevin. You make some really great points and are completely right on when it comes to the psycho scenarios that occasionally run through my mind. I know it's because I have too much free time on my hands that I sit and think about all the things that he and others are and could be doing. My hubby always comes home and says that my imagination of what goes on is far more glamorous than reality! I also think I was starting to talk about kids because I was feeling a little lonely at home. We have agreed that we can get a cat That should take care of my child bearing desires for a little bit and if doesn't then I guess I can watch Discovery Health--watching the pain of others might put me off for at least a year.

My hubby always comes home and says that my imagination of what goes on is far more glamorous than reality!

Yeah, don't worry it's really not like what you might see on scrubs. He and his lab partners are probably studying their @#%'s off and scared to death at this point.

Also, it's so nice when you get to the point where you can (most times) control the physical "symptoms" that present themselves with .

Also, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would really try to avoid those conversations that are a result of him trying to reassure you (i.e. helping you realize the "scenarios" don't match up with reality). It's an added burden for him and if not paired with your own "work" it's really not helping you -- though he may be trying to at this point. Eventually, he will tire of it (rightly so) and resent it and those conversations (likely) will become fights.

You can do it!

[Meenah]

Welcome, glad you found us. You have gotten some great advice (Kevin's was right on target). Make sure you have a life of your own. There are members here in NY, I am not far away in Princeton, NJ. Do you have family nearby? Hang around here as often as you need, some of us (me) sometimes check in several times a day.
Luanne