Internship--barely hanging in there!

[alison]

I have to admit that I found this site a few weeks ago and haven't posted anything until now. I've been reading some of the entries over the past few weeks and find them extremely helpful and encouraging--but by now, isn't it time to post something?!

My husband is in his first year of his anesthesiology residency (internship) and I'm finishing up my PhD. I hear things will get better (as far as his hours -and his spirits) when he's back in the OR and not having to do floors. It's not particularly easy for me right now, as I'm at home working on my dissertation most days, and his days are long (to say the least). It's hard to have a healthy relationship, when I'm at home looking so forward to his days off, while when he finally gets time off, he likes alone time and time to socialize with co-workers. I've discovered a nasty, selfish side to myself, where I want him all to myself, even though he really does spend ample time with me... I would like to support him in cultivating friendships out of the acquaintances he's made at work, but I'm finding it very difficult to allow people onto "my turf" with the limited amount of time that he actually DOES have off!

Anybody else have this type of experience? Going through the same?

Thanks!
alison

[Flynn]

Hi Alison,

The first year is always brutal with residency. It's so hard to create any type of BALANCE with job or life at home -- socializing too.

I remember in our first three years, some of the most frustrating "discussions" we had were when we went to a "medical function" and literally I would see my DH at the beginning ten minutes and when he was looking for someone to drive him home.

He felt this need to "mix" and say hi to everyone, be charming and completely forget about me! Now I am no wall flower for sure but if that was his one night off -- I was not pleased.

Boundaries are key in a medical relationship especially in the beginning. My DH honestly didn't know how neglected I felt on a regular basis -- so when we would socialize and he was AWOL, it was like a slap in the face. I just wanted him to use some of his chatty, charming energy on me too!!!

Tell him how you feel. If he "hears" you and tries to make small strides to balancing things, thank him and give him lots of positive feedback. He probably is clueless but if he wants you to support him in his career and life, he needs to do the same for you. Having time together is not something to take for granted.

Also, due to HIS choice to be a doc, he is going to have to sacrifice things he doesn't want to. Alone time? He wants some? Give him an hour and then tell him to grow up. You didn't twist his arm to get married and you didn't push him into medicine. He has other more important responsibilities than --- "alone time."

[Flynn]

Oh and your feelings are completely normal!

You aren't selfish, you just want to be a top priority in your marriage. You have to play second fiddle to his job on a regular basis so not coming out on top when he DOES have free time is -- well -- NOT ACCEPTABLE!

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome Alison, my husband isn't it that specialty but we have some friends who are and you're right their intern year was BRUTAL but they are now in their 2nd year and it is SO much better! Good luck!

[Meenah]

Welcome Alison,
I'm glad you found us and posted. You are normal. It will get better, then worse then better. It is truly a roller coaster, but you probably know that by now. Read through the old posts here, they are very helpful.
Luanne

[planet]

Welcome

Hey Alison,
We're in the same boat as far as being half way through internship year and feeling neglected. Definitely tell him how neglected you feel. It may take a few times and a few ways of saying it. We'll get through this...I have seen the posts from the other side and it obviously takes some real navigating to adjust to this lifestyle. Sounds like this year is likely to be the worst. We're halfway through the worst!!
Janet

[alison]

Holy cow! I wasn't expecting to have my feelings validated--usually I get the "well, isn't everyone entitled to a little alone time?" and "don't be so harsh on him" ("don't be so harsh" is the good one coming from my mom).

On a side note, I can tell you that if I were living in Seattle too (I noticed that that's where you're living, Flynn), things *might* be different. I was actually born, raised in Seattle, and went to college there--I have webbed feet! I love the city and my family and closest friends are there--notice I say "closest," because in no way am I isolated here in Chicago! I miss being able to decide on any given day whether I'd like to go to the beach or hike in the mountains. And the rain and overcast--Bring it on! I'd probably get more work done on my diss anyway if it'd rain more in Chicago!

Flynn, your description of these social functions is hilarious and RIGHT ON! We've got a departmental party coming up, so this should be interesting. I am *usually* able to take it all in stride and be glad, standing there alone because I have a really nice group of grad school friends who try to accomodate the situation. Example--We don't talk about my residency stuff much, but get this: my friends want to start a book club and said that I should have my husband join too so that we have an activity to do together. Even though it's pretty funny that they think my husband has time to read something other than anesth. books, I find it touching that THEY'RE willing to take me and the baggage I carry.

I've always felt guilty for demanding time together, and no matter how hard I try to curb the begging, I still find myself trying to squeeze the extra time together. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think I'm out of line.

Tonight a few residents (including my husband) are planning on getting together for dinner--post call! So he'll come home, take a shower and have dinner with his colleages. And this after having worked for 7 days in a row and another 3 days leading up to Thanksgiving. When I heard about the plans for tonight, I said sarcastically, "oh ok, then it's a good night for Desperate Housewives!" See what I mean by my nasty, selfish side coming out?

Thanks for all your replies! I definitely feel better!
Alison