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My Crisis probly=your typical day. dying inside. pls help!
http://www.medicalspouse.com/forums/vie ... php?t=6751
I have posted in a different forum, so if you recognize me or my story, feel free to say whatever or not.
This cyberspace is my only outlet these days. With people who know what my life might be like. Please let me be a drama queen for a while.
There will be many holes which you may or may not ask to be filled in on...Yes I take responsibility for being in this relationship and my actions. I asked for reciprocity. Not something that I can't do for him as well. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my husband.
1. FYI, My DH has left me a little less than 2 dozen times throughout our several years of marriage. To get into the details would be pointless. I don't mean that the way it sounds, the details aim everywhere (read on and you'll know what I mean). Whether it by train, plane, automobile, his mental emotional bus had left the station knowing our marriage was on the line. Period. There is no "No, maybe it was an ultimatum thing." He left. First class.
So these past few weeks,
2. Horrible details. Horrible things said. Everything is great until we talk about things that revolve around knowing how he feels, thinks, acts, chooses, takes responsibility. (He does the same to me, I take it in stride, and don’t take offense to it, why should I? But apparently the same rules don’t apply to him.)
E.g. Hey, sounds like you had a good day, remember how we talked about a good way to track your rotations so you could objectively look at it after-the-fact to make "the big" decision?
Yes, he says. That's a good idea. I should try that.
I say, Well, we discussed it in great lengths before didn't we, so why is it being brought up again? I mean, half the year has passed and you haven't been keeping track? I know how important finding your specialty is for you...
He says, Nope I haven't. Excuses excuses, Bluntly states, "I don't wanna. I don't think I should have to....I don't have time for....
I say, okay this is not really important to even say, but it (“It” being the feasible suggestion discussed and agreed upon months and months ago) takes 30 seconds to do that, instead of some subjective memory of why you liked a certain rotation vs. another, but more importantly, WHY would you even agree (whole heartedly mind you) with me on it or anything if you think it's a bad idea? That makes no sense.
He says, Excuses excuses, "I don't wanna. I don't think I should have to....I don't have time for....I think what's best is a weekly cap of....
I say, but that's not what I'm asking, you’re talking about this tiny part of this bigger picture, why would you say that you think something’s a good idea and that you're going to do it if you 1.may or may not like it (*refuses to figure it out), and 2. have no intention of trying it?
He says, I don't know.
I say, In fact you don't even know if it's a good idea or bad idea when we talk about things.
He says, Yeah, I don't know.
I say, What do you mean "I don't know?" I'm just asking about why you 1. have decided to rule out something you've never tried, and 2. Pretend and agree that you are going to do something when you know you're not going to do it? I have always stated, whatever it is, what is it that YOU want? I don't care what it is, but I'd just like to know where you stand. And I have always thought about how I as your partner can look at your career in your best interest, and considering feasible methods that aren't time consuming to answer a big question in your life. The one that you talk to me about. At least you lead me to believe, in which I agree it is, what specialty you will go into. Do you think that's false?
He says, No. You've always tried to talk to me about it and help me.
I say, I tried to take it into consideration and brainstorm with you, things that took YOUR time concerns and other factors into consideration, and certain things came up that were very doable and you whole heartedly agreed. Yet, this is the real outcome: You take things as they come, you cough it up to some mystery as to why certain things may or may not have worked for you, and you rely on some subjective circumstances to make your decision which you may or may not regret in the future, all because you don't want to make an active choice to do small things to get what you want, you want to not think about it, and what makes you tick. And most of the time, you blame people (me) when things are crappy and you say you have no idea why, but it must be me, because I am accusatory when I ask questions because I care to know who you are, so we can have an honest conversation. And because of that, and the way it ends up, you say, "I can't stand you."
He says, accusation, accusation, you're terrible blah blah blah
Thus goes the, "I don't have time for this, click."
3. He refused to take a sick day to discuss what I calmly and forlornly put (with my heart smashed on the floor and tears in my eyes) as the "death or our marriage." to which he replied, "No. I'm going to be late for work. I don't have time for this. Click."
4. I don't hear from him in days. Not knowing he is dead or alive. Try calling, paging, aiming, emailing classmates, he calls at night and says, "I have nothing to say to you, except that it's over. Is there anything you want to say?"
5. Horrible details. Horrible things said. Supposedly some decent comments come in with the preface, “This is the honest me talking...” WTF? But only with the undercurrent of I don't give a rat's A$$ if you are right about sh!t because I don’t care, I’m done with this, I'm tired (Uh, so am I, read first post to see I said he "won" the tired miserable game). He said he realizes he can't stand me, everything about me, he can't stand things about himself, but at the same time can't stand other people putting things on him. Oh, like...I don't know...Asking not to be treated like crap and dancing around mind games hoping I pressed the right button this time...
-Guessing games aren't my forte. If I ask him what kind of sandwich he wants, and he MAY secretly want a ham sandwhich, and says "whatever," when I make the turkey and he then chews it, walks up to my face and spits at me because I didn't get it right, it's going to throw me off just a teenee tiny little bit.
I told him I really wish he would have told me that he wasn't interested in knowing about himself, his needs, his feelings, choices, etc. so he could be in this marriage. I wish he would have told me that ‘he wants what he wants when he wants it,’ and he wants to feel whatever he feels without really knowing his feelings, and without explanation, have license to take sh!t out on me, and that he doesn't EVER want to explore who he is, to make choices openly, in his life, that leads to taking responsibility for how he acts.
I wish he would have told me. He said, I didn't know. That's the point. The "I don't know, and I don't WANT to know." so in order for you to tell someone, ANYONE the fact that you want an unexplored life, would require you exploring enough to know it, and making the choice, and taking the responsibility to state that to another person "I don't know and don't want to know."
(*Elucidating on, "refuses to figure it out"- Very accurate illustration- a child who doesn't like avocado, so won't try it. Just because. Don't like the music, because they've never heard it. Do you remember your two year old that shook his/her head at introducing new foods? Do you remember the "too cool" preteen who "just didn't feel like it" but low and behold, you stuck to your guns as a parent/older sibling, and now that preteen is in love with it?
Apparently, the concept of trying something different or new is out of the question unless he knows he likes it or it won't be difficult or won't have to think about it- which is VERY DIFFICULT to deal with if not impossible if that he hasn't had people in his childhood make him try or open his eyes to trying new challenging things AND he doesn't know himself AND he doesn't WANT to know himself. EXCEPT WHEN IT CAME TO FINANCES AND ACADEMICS. Which is mind boggling, because there is complete mastery of such concepts in his career of medicine, and you’d think intelligent people see parallels instead of split personalities. Yes. My name is Stupid. Pleased to meet you.
Oh, and yes, his parents (codependant narcissistic passive aggressive dismissive enablers with fake smiles, guilt complexes, stoic affect, hiding truths, angry outbursts, mixed in with cultural confusion and the seven deadly sins- especially pride/arrogance) never followed through with holding their children accountable for anything (but money and school), so the kids could nod their heads and not do a darn thing without punishment or lesson learned. But they were sadly always shamed and punished without parents having to say a word. And apparently they were also denied their feelings and literally told that they have no right to have the feeling they do or express them when things happen to them, so feelings got buried, really really deep (I saw it and couldn't believe my eyes). They have no access to the accuracy and origin of why they act out, because in order to protect themselves in their interactions with their parent’s they've had to forgotten and don't know how they feel. Their best answer was the no answer silence or an inaccurate complicit nod, which worked for that family dynamic very well, BUT is definitely working for me in this marriage, the "I don't know" "whatever" or "okay" that means absolutely nothing but to fill in blank space, to buy time, to ignore the issues, etc. Did I know this? NO. When I put together the pieces, did I see that in my husband? NO. Such an expert at hiding the truth.)
6. Phone call. Gist of it is- He picks up "What do you want?" I say, What do I want? Are you serious? That's it huh? You're telling me after all that we've done and been through? That even up to this moment and all the things you've said, despite that, I was still willing to work on this marriage because I love you, and you say you to me, you "want to use a sick day when it REALLY counts, when i REALLY need it??? He says, "Yes. I don't have time for this. I have to go to work."
Same excuse with spirituality (were ya really ever there "God?")
Same excuse with extended family
Same excuse with counseling
Same excuse with the daily maintenance (logistical or mental) of a married household
Same excuse with the entire marriage
EXCEPT finances and HIS career
I told him, that I was the ugly twin whom he neglected and had the nerve to bring home left over birthday cake from the other twin's big birthday bash. And then throw it in my face. And somehow I was expected to 1. cherish the moment, 2. be kind and understanding and give him a break. He said something to the effect that I was incredulous and that it was a completely distorted metaphor. I proceeded to go down the list of parallels in this metaphor.
Silence.
He says, YOU ARE RIGHT.
Not in a sad manner. Just frankly. Just like he couldn't care less. Which is apropos considering I am the ugly twin.
In our present living/relationship situation (prior post), I asked for five minutes of presence of mind (be mindful, or just don’t call, really, that's okay), and the fact that we must at least ATTEMPT to know ourselves in order to communicate our needs, in order to compromise, or be honest in the marriage.
I said, "I wish you had told me, you aren't interested in knowing yourself, or having to be responsible for your actions in this marriage." He says, "I wish I had known that too. Click."
If someone tries to tell me, "have you tried calling at a better time?" I'm going to scream.
I don’t know why I’m posting but if I hear “don’t take it personally” one more time, I…I don’t know what. I "get" what that means, but for right now, can you see how that might miff someone since marriage is “kinda” personal?
I am, how do you say... "devastated." He was the love of my life. My only one. I loved him. I still do.
People have thrown around the phrase “emotionally retarded.” Not sarcastically but seriously. Yeah.
Of course on a day like this, guess what? It is beautiful, bright and sunny after days of wind rain and cold. It's really beautiful.
I'm completely emaciated, have not slept and barely a nibble in two days. My skin feels like it’s slipping off. And of course that "God" has put up one of the most beautiful and glorious days ever. The breeze sweeping barely across my cheeks as I take my dog out for a poop (which was a very solid clean BM by the way, I'm sure you can appreciate this being who you are). The sky a clear baby blue, a stark contrast to the rain drenching stormy days prior. The concrete amazingly bone dry. (Which helps because I wash his paws).
After days of searching frantically in such ill weather, the past hours, it is the perfect 24 hour day to discover, that a suicide has been committed, this beautiful creature, my marriage, was lying lifeless in the gutter, after a long cold hard storm. I am left alone to drag it out into the sun and see its lifeless body, crying endlessly over the loss. That’s where I am at right now fellow spouses and significant others. Grieving. I’m f*cking grieving. The warm gold rays showing its eviscerated and mangled body. Every single artery, vein, and organ. The skeleton, heart, brain, and musculature that I thought once held itself together so strong. This marriage. Pushed in front of the train. No, perhaps beyond my control, half standing on the railway in contempt of itself. The train that I so desperately wanted to be in front of myself. If only I could be so selfish.
I wish this upon no one. In my worst imaginings, never could this ever have been comprehensible in mind body and soul.
Today, with tears trickling down like a gentle stream, crying and wailing coming in in waves like a torrent ocean, still in shock, balled up in my tiny little room with paper thin walls , piles of unfinished projects, thieving roommates, in a shit hole of a living situation, ALONE, on this gloriously beautiful day- I mourn the death of my marriage.
My Crisis probly=your typical day. dying inside. pls help!
http://www.medicalspouse.com/forums/vie ... php?t=6751
I have posted in a different forum, so if you recognize me or my story, feel free to say whatever or not.
This cyberspace is my only outlet these days. With people who know what my life might be like. Please let me be a drama queen for a while.
There will be many holes which you may or may not ask to be filled in on...Yes I take responsibility for being in this relationship and my actions. I asked for reciprocity. Not something that I can't do for him as well. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my husband.
1. FYI, My DH has left me a little less than 2 dozen times throughout our several years of marriage. To get into the details would be pointless. I don't mean that the way it sounds, the details aim everywhere (read on and you'll know what I mean). Whether it by train, plane, automobile, his mental emotional bus had left the station knowing our marriage was on the line. Period. There is no "No, maybe it was an ultimatum thing." He left. First class.
So these past few weeks,
2. Horrible details. Horrible things said. Everything is great until we talk about things that revolve around knowing how he feels, thinks, acts, chooses, takes responsibility. (He does the same to me, I take it in stride, and don’t take offense to it, why should I? But apparently the same rules don’t apply to him.)
E.g. Hey, sounds like you had a good day, remember how we talked about a good way to track your rotations so you could objectively look at it after-the-fact to make "the big" decision?
Yes, he says. That's a good idea. I should try that.
I say, Well, we discussed it in great lengths before didn't we, so why is it being brought up again? I mean, half the year has passed and you haven't been keeping track? I know how important finding your specialty is for you...
He says, Nope I haven't. Excuses excuses, Bluntly states, "I don't wanna. I don't think I should have to....I don't have time for....
I say, okay this is not really important to even say, but it (“It” being the feasible suggestion discussed and agreed upon months and months ago) takes 30 seconds to do that, instead of some subjective memory of why you liked a certain rotation vs. another, but more importantly, WHY would you even agree (whole heartedly mind you) with me on it or anything if you think it's a bad idea? That makes no sense.
He says, Excuses excuses, "I don't wanna. I don't think I should have to....I don't have time for....I think what's best is a weekly cap of....
I say, but that's not what I'm asking, you’re talking about this tiny part of this bigger picture, why would you say that you think something’s a good idea and that you're going to do it if you 1.may or may not like it (*refuses to figure it out), and 2. have no intention of trying it?
He says, I don't know.
I say, In fact you don't even know if it's a good idea or bad idea when we talk about things.
He says, Yeah, I don't know.
I say, What do you mean "I don't know?" I'm just asking about why you 1. have decided to rule out something you've never tried, and 2. Pretend and agree that you are going to do something when you know you're not going to do it? I have always stated, whatever it is, what is it that YOU want? I don't care what it is, but I'd just like to know where you stand. And I have always thought about how I as your partner can look at your career in your best interest, and considering feasible methods that aren't time consuming to answer a big question in your life. The one that you talk to me about. At least you lead me to believe, in which I agree it is, what specialty you will go into. Do you think that's false?
He says, No. You've always tried to talk to me about it and help me.
I say, I tried to take it into consideration and brainstorm with you, things that took YOUR time concerns and other factors into consideration, and certain things came up that were very doable and you whole heartedly agreed. Yet, this is the real outcome: You take things as they come, you cough it up to some mystery as to why certain things may or may not have worked for you, and you rely on some subjective circumstances to make your decision which you may or may not regret in the future, all because you don't want to make an active choice to do small things to get what you want, you want to not think about it, and what makes you tick. And most of the time, you blame people (me) when things are crappy and you say you have no idea why, but it must be me, because I am accusatory when I ask questions because I care to know who you are, so we can have an honest conversation. And because of that, and the way it ends up, you say, "I can't stand you."
He says, accusation, accusation, you're terrible blah blah blah
Thus goes the, "I don't have time for this, click."
3. He refused to take a sick day to discuss what I calmly and forlornly put (with my heart smashed on the floor and tears in my eyes) as the "death or our marriage." to which he replied, "No. I'm going to be late for work. I don't have time for this. Click."
4. I don't hear from him in days. Not knowing he is dead or alive. Try calling, paging, aiming, emailing classmates, he calls at night and says, "I have nothing to say to you, except that it's over. Is there anything you want to say?"
5. Horrible details. Horrible things said. Supposedly some decent comments come in with the preface, “This is the honest me talking...” WTF? But only with the undercurrent of I don't give a rat's A$$ if you are right about sh!t because I don’t care, I’m done with this, I'm tired (Uh, so am I, read first post to see I said he "won" the tired miserable game). He said he realizes he can't stand me, everything about me, he can't stand things about himself, but at the same time can't stand other people putting things on him. Oh, like...I don't know...Asking not to be treated like crap and dancing around mind games hoping I pressed the right button this time...
-Guessing games aren't my forte. If I ask him what kind of sandwich he wants, and he MAY secretly want a ham sandwhich, and says "whatever," when I make the turkey and he then chews it, walks up to my face and spits at me because I didn't get it right, it's going to throw me off just a teenee tiny little bit.
I told him I really wish he would have told me that he wasn't interested in knowing about himself, his needs, his feelings, choices, etc. so he could be in this marriage. I wish he would have told me that ‘he wants what he wants when he wants it,’ and he wants to feel whatever he feels without really knowing his feelings, and without explanation, have license to take sh!t out on me, and that he doesn't EVER want to explore who he is, to make choices openly, in his life, that leads to taking responsibility for how he acts.
I wish he would have told me. He said, I didn't know. That's the point. The "I don't know, and I don't WANT to know." so in order for you to tell someone, ANYONE the fact that you want an unexplored life, would require you exploring enough to know it, and making the choice, and taking the responsibility to state that to another person "I don't know and don't want to know."
(*Elucidating on, "refuses to figure it out"- Very accurate illustration- a child who doesn't like avocado, so won't try it. Just because. Don't like the music, because they've never heard it. Do you remember your two year old that shook his/her head at introducing new foods? Do you remember the "too cool" preteen who "just didn't feel like it" but low and behold, you stuck to your guns as a parent/older sibling, and now that preteen is in love with it?
Apparently, the concept of trying something different or new is out of the question unless he knows he likes it or it won't be difficult or won't have to think about it- which is VERY DIFFICULT to deal with if not impossible if that he hasn't had people in his childhood make him try or open his eyes to trying new challenging things AND he doesn't know himself AND he doesn't WANT to know himself. EXCEPT WHEN IT CAME TO FINANCES AND ACADEMICS. Which is mind boggling, because there is complete mastery of such concepts in his career of medicine, and you’d think intelligent people see parallels instead of split personalities. Yes. My name is Stupid. Pleased to meet you.
Oh, and yes, his parents (codependant narcissistic passive aggressive dismissive enablers with fake smiles, guilt complexes, stoic affect, hiding truths, angry outbursts, mixed in with cultural confusion and the seven deadly sins- especially pride/arrogance) never followed through with holding their children accountable for anything (but money and school), so the kids could nod their heads and not do a darn thing without punishment or lesson learned. But they were sadly always shamed and punished without parents having to say a word. And apparently they were also denied their feelings and literally told that they have no right to have the feeling they do or express them when things happen to them, so feelings got buried, really really deep (I saw it and couldn't believe my eyes). They have no access to the accuracy and origin of why they act out, because in order to protect themselves in their interactions with their parent’s they've had to forgotten and don't know how they feel. Their best answer was the no answer silence or an inaccurate complicit nod, which worked for that family dynamic very well, BUT is definitely working for me in this marriage, the "I don't know" "whatever" or "okay" that means absolutely nothing but to fill in blank space, to buy time, to ignore the issues, etc. Did I know this? NO. When I put together the pieces, did I see that in my husband? NO. Such an expert at hiding the truth.)
6. Phone call. Gist of it is- He picks up "What do you want?" I say, What do I want? Are you serious? That's it huh? You're telling me after all that we've done and been through? That even up to this moment and all the things you've said, despite that, I was still willing to work on this marriage because I love you, and you say you to me, you "want to use a sick day when it REALLY counts, when i REALLY need it??? He says, "Yes. I don't have time for this. I have to go to work."
Same excuse with spirituality (were ya really ever there "God?")
Same excuse with extended family
Same excuse with counseling
Same excuse with the daily maintenance (logistical or mental) of a married household
Same excuse with the entire marriage
EXCEPT finances and HIS career
I told him, that I was the ugly twin whom he neglected and had the nerve to bring home left over birthday cake from the other twin's big birthday bash. And then throw it in my face. And somehow I was expected to 1. cherish the moment, 2. be kind and understanding and give him a break. He said something to the effect that I was incredulous and that it was a completely distorted metaphor. I proceeded to go down the list of parallels in this metaphor.
Silence.
He says, YOU ARE RIGHT.
Not in a sad manner. Just frankly. Just like he couldn't care less. Which is apropos considering I am the ugly twin.
In our present living/relationship situation (prior post), I asked for five minutes of presence of mind (be mindful, or just don’t call, really, that's okay), and the fact that we must at least ATTEMPT to know ourselves in order to communicate our needs, in order to compromise, or be honest in the marriage.
I said, "I wish you had told me, you aren't interested in knowing yourself, or having to be responsible for your actions in this marriage." He says, "I wish I had known that too. Click."
If someone tries to tell me, "have you tried calling at a better time?" I'm going to scream.
I don’t know why I’m posting but if I hear “don’t take it personally” one more time, I…I don’t know what. I "get" what that means, but for right now, can you see how that might miff someone since marriage is “kinda” personal?
I am, how do you say... "devastated." He was the love of my life. My only one. I loved him. I still do.
People have thrown around the phrase “emotionally retarded.” Not sarcastically but seriously. Yeah.
Of course on a day like this, guess what? It is beautiful, bright and sunny after days of wind rain and cold. It's really beautiful.
I'm completely emaciated, have not slept and barely a nibble in two days. My skin feels like it’s slipping off. And of course that "God" has put up one of the most beautiful and glorious days ever. The breeze sweeping barely across my cheeks as I take my dog out for a poop (which was a very solid clean BM by the way, I'm sure you can appreciate this being who you are). The sky a clear baby blue, a stark contrast to the rain drenching stormy days prior. The concrete amazingly bone dry. (Which helps because I wash his paws).
After days of searching frantically in such ill weather, the past hours, it is the perfect 24 hour day to discover, that a suicide has been committed, this beautiful creature, my marriage, was lying lifeless in the gutter, after a long cold hard storm. I am left alone to drag it out into the sun and see its lifeless body, crying endlessly over the loss. That’s where I am at right now fellow spouses and significant others. Grieving. I’m f*cking grieving. The warm gold rays showing its eviscerated and mangled body. Every single artery, vein, and organ. The skeleton, heart, brain, and musculature that I thought once held itself together so strong. This marriage. Pushed in front of the train. No, perhaps beyond my control, half standing on the railway in contempt of itself. The train that I so desperately wanted to be in front of myself. If only I could be so selfish.
I wish this upon no one. In my worst imaginings, never could this ever have been comprehensible in mind body and soul.
Today, with tears trickling down like a gentle stream, crying and wailing coming in in waves like a torrent ocean, still in shock, balled up in my tiny little room with paper thin walls , piles of unfinished projects, thieving roommates, in a shit hole of a living situation, ALONE, on this gloriously beautiful day- I mourn the death of my marriage.
We are all here for you and are willing to listen 24/7...though we may not have any answers.
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