The lonely life....

There are many things to keep me busy....esp with having a 6 yr old child however, I simply miss just hanging out with my bf.

He and I have been seeing each other since Feb 04. He is in his 3rd yr of GS and doing research with NIH....

For the most part when we are together we never discuss work etc...so I am completely clueless as to all the things that take place in his life. I know my friends get sick and tired of me complaining of not being able to see him etc. Oh boy I should be happy that I was able to see him this past week! We spent the night together and I guess we will not be seeing each other till AFTER his absite test.

What a wonderful world it is indeed... I dont know how much longer I can deal with this. I pray and ask the good Lord what on earth would he have me do..the facts (no time with him, poor communication, moments of silence, a few hours hear and there, never meeting his friends, collegues etc) tell me we will never make it...I just wonder what everyone else has to say.

I have my own life...I am in graduate school, I work full time and I take wonderful care of my child. I find I make so many excuses for his lack of everything...I am tired....it is what it is...

2 mo ago he called it quits....and I believed him..but we are back together and have been..I am just trying to find ways to deal with dating a GS resident who does research for NIH and occassional rounds, and studying for ABSITE..etc...mentorship with any women who are seasoned would be most helpful.

People just dont understand. I have a few friends whose spouses are in the military and I really dont know how they can deal with their husbands being out at sea or just away in combat...I have the friend who cheats, and those who are extremely faithful. A lot of the women ask me how do I know he is not seeing someone as they cannot believe that he is really that busy! I dont know..I am blabbing it is late..its Dec 24, christmas, no him, no word from him no nothing...I guess I should "be happy" about spending time with him earlier in the week! Anyone else feeling blue too... :!

Merry Christmas...

[Meenah]

Welcome,
You are not alone. We are all in different stages of education and relationships. The lifestyle sucks, and there are many lonely nights.
Luanne

Welcome,
You are not alone. We are all in different stages of education and relationships. The lifestyle sucks, and there are many lonely nights.
Luanne

Thanks, I do feel alone today is Christmas...Soon I will go to around to visit my family. I have not seen my bf since Thursday, no Christmas gifts exchanged. I guess he isnt really into the gift thing...for birthday ect...I always give and he never gives me anything. So frustrating. I wish that oneday I could be surprised with a lil something. I dont know if it is because we are not married or if he really is not into the gift thing.

Christmas gifts are so overrated but it would be nice to BRAG at least once...a small brag bc your bf thought enough about you to shower you with a small gift. I do not consider a gift like pots and pans, or panties and bras a great gift as often times they are for him...I do too much already with jack in return.

I sent him a simple text bc I guess he is working (havent heard from him). He thinks that is not such a big deal. I do. I think daily he should at least call and say "HEY". But he does not! Maybe I am out of control. But I cannot vent to anyone else my friends do not understand. They really dont want to hear it and I really should nto share the details of our drama with friends as they remind you of how much you hated him weeks earlier! :argue: too much talky talky!

I am a baby in the process....I really dont know what I can handle. My cousin asked if my bf would be eating with us, well my family asked I said no he is working (I just heard silence)...followed by well if he cared he would show it around the holidays...esp.

Luanne you are right the lifestyle does suck! And this is one of those lonely afternoons, evenings and nights!

I sent him a page into his cell phone telling him with the annual exam coming up, I know his time is takenm, so I would send his gift (as he only live 10 mins away) via mail bc it is hard to catch him home. I later told him with that I should have given him the gift when I saw him Thursday but I was too tired....the message in return from him was "WTF" yeah WTF so hurtful! I dont know what that cursing was all about...maybe he misunderstood what I was trying to say!

Miscommunication is a hot ingredient in our relationship right now. But to present it to him as a problem will only cause him to retreat!

[Meenah]

I'm sorry you are having a tough day. I don't think it is unreasonable to speak on the phone (daily). Is there a reason he can't make a 2 minute phone call? You do deserve some respect.
Luanne

[rainbabies]

I'm sorry you are having a tough day. I don't think it is unreasonable to speak on the phone (daily). Is there a reason he can't make a 2 minute phone call? You do deserve some respect.
Luanne

I agree. I have tried to make ration with this idea. I try to look at how people are raised in conjunction to how they treat others. He is definately a product of his environment. I know his cousin and have known her for YEARS before him. And the lack of communication is very common from what I can see. In their eyes they think they are doing great....but they really suck at it!

He said from the beginning that our relationship will be really unbalanced and he did not want to get involved. But I was so insistant on defining it. He said "he was committed to his career" no disrespect but he worked so hard for it, I can understand that. In the beginning I thought surely this is all talk but now I am beginning to believe that he really does mean what he says. I could not agree more that a 2 min call is not much to ask. I feel like if I ask this he will begin to feel like I am making demands. This is the reason our relationship ended back in August. He said that it was not suppose to be the kind of relationship that caused so much stress.

I was and still am very stressed out. I went out last night with a friend and we had a ball! Her husband is in Guam. So we are in the same boat! Lonely! She flirted all night long. And I did not flirt but had many men approach me. One in particular was great EYE candy! Whew! But my loyalty to my boyfriend reigned supreme. I just wonder how this will pan out! With the communication issue. Last night he texted me AFTER I texted him...and he said he was at work!

I really dont know! I am so happy to have found this site as I get to sort through so many of my thougths concerning this matter. Overall my christmas was filled with hanging out with family and my daughter cleaned up as always I am so very blessed to have her. This Jan we start Ballet with a great company here! She loves Cinderella, and all things that deal with dance.

I guess she is living out my adult dreams with the dancing. I tried but you have to work at it for years! Starting in college just wont cut it!

Well I have enjoyed your words...Plse keep encouraging me as well as others! Much respect!

Loneliness article retrieved 12/26/05 from www.beliefnet.com

Leaving Loneliness Behind
by Barbra Williams Cosentino, L.C.S.W., R.N.

Loneliness is a universal experience known to every human being on earth—single parents, teenagers, divorcees, and even the happily married. No one is immune. Even the rich and famous suffer from loneliness. Judy Garland once said, "If I'm such a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, being a legend is all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you."

Many of us are probably lonely but are reluctant to admit it. We may feel ashamed and stigmatized by our loneliness and see it as a sign that we are unlovable or defective instead of recognizing it as an essential part of the human condition.

James Park, an existential philosopher, asks, "Is there a person who has never known the eerie distance of isolation and separation, who has never suffered the pain of rejection or the loss of love?" Park eloquently goes on to say that "Loneliness is an aching void in the center of our being, a deep longing to love and to be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person."

The Many Faces of Loneliness
Experts say there are several different kinds of loneliness.


Emotional isolation springs from the absence of close emotional attachment. Dr. Robert Weiss of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a social scientist who did much of the seminal research on loneliness, describes emotional isolation as the terror of a small child who feels abandoned by his parents.
Social isolation results from the lack of a social network. Dr. Weiss characterizes social isolation as the mind-set of a child who is bored and feels left out when his friends are unavailable at a given time. It's no coincidence that children often create imaginary companions to chase away their feelings of loneliness.
Spiritual loneliness stems from a void within ourselves, a sense of feeling incomplete and unfulfilled even when we have many loving people in our lives. Mark Epstein, MD, a New York City psychiatrist, practitioner of Zen Buddhism, and author of Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, tells his patients that instead of fearing this emptiness, they should learn to embrace it. He writes, "Only when we stop fighting with our personal emptiness can we begin to appreciate the transformation that is possible. Only then can we have access to the still, silent center of our own awareness."

Although divorce, moving to a new state, or a child leaving home can cause feelings of loneliness and loss, feelings of loneliness are often based on an internal sentiment rather than an external reality. Even a socially active, "popular" person can feel emotionally isolated when surrounded by a roomful of superficial acquaintances with whom she lacks a true emotional connection. And people in a satisfying intimate relationship can feel lonely if they don't have a network of friends to turn to for support when their partner is physically or emotionally unavailable.

Embracing Solitude
Because aloneness is different than loneliness, we need to tune in to the unique pleasures of solitude. We need the freedom to devote hours to our passions, the opportunity for self-reflection and introspection, and space to engage in activities in which creativity gushes forth so that we are oblivious to the passage of time.

People who suffer frequently from loneliness find that it is often accompanied by a host of other negative emotions, including sadness, boredom, anxiety, restlessness, self-pity and a lowered sense of self-esteem. One lonely woman says, "I feel like my stomach is a big cheese with a little rat gnawing away at it—never making any progress."

Loneliness Can Be Bad for Your Heart
In his book The Broken Heart, Dr. James Lynch at the University of Maryland Hospital makes a powerful connection between social isolation and heart disease, pointing out that "reflected in our hearts there is a biological basis for our need to form loving human relationships."

Research reveals that people who live alone after their first heart attack are almost twice as likely to have a second heart attack or to die from heart disease than those who share a home. Studies also show that people diagnosed with breast cancer, malignant melanoma, and other potentially fatal diseases survive longer if they join a support group. These patients also show evidence of increased activity of "natural killer cells" which reflect improved immune functioning.

Tips for Combating Loneliness
To feel complete, we need to nurture a strong connection with our inner selves as well as all kinds of social connections—spouses, lovers, best friends, or mentors with whom we can share our most private thoughts and feelings. We also need casual buddies to "hang out with" (shopping pals and "let's see a movie" friends), and work or church acquaintances who share common day-to-day interests and values.

If you're lonely, here are some things to avoid:


Isolating yourself or escaping into endless sleeping.
Watching television excessively or surfing the internet for hours on end.
Overindulging in food, alcohol, or drugs to numb the pain.

Here are some positive ways to deal with loneliness:


Seek out people. If you're lonely due to a situational factor (recent divorce, job loss, or a move to a new community) realize that your feelings are transient. Give yourself some grieving time, and then seek out people who are in a similar situation. Find a support group, or join a community center, health club, theatre group, or religious organization where you can meet other people and share something in common. Explore chat rooms and websites for singles, divorced people, single parents, folks in recovery from substance abuse, and others who might be prone to loneliness.
Build social skills. If you're chronically lonely because you're shy or don't relate easily to other people, brush up on your conversational or social skills. Force yourself to engage others in conversation (remember, people love to talk about themselves, so ask plenty of questions) and go places where there will be people to talk with. Join a singles organization and get involved. If your loneliness has led to serious depression, see your doctor or seek psychotherapy.
Be active. Participate in activities that you love. It's hard to be lonely when you're smashing a tennis ball back and forth or soaring down a ski slope. It's also likely that you'll meet people who enjoy the same kinds of things you do. Ditto for volunteer work.

RESOURCES:

Opening to Grace
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/G-LONE.html

Self-Help Magazine
http://www.shpm.com

Solo for Singles
http://www.solosingles.com

[Flynn]

Sarita --

I'm concerned. No matter how busy he is OR how overwhelmed, he can make a 30 second phone call on a holiday and mail a card. You are a human being, you care about him you are VALUABLE and he should acknowledge this.

This life is VERY challenging -- even if both parties are completely dedicated to the relationship.

Perhaps you want this to work "too much?"

[Phoebe]

Sarita- Welcome~ Glad you found us and I hope this site helps. It has been a great lifeline for me. I agree the miscommunication is difficult. I see it a lot in my marriage, however, I have to agree with Flynn. You should be getting something back. Take care, Jennifer

Sarita --

I'm concerned. No matter how busy he is OR how overwhelmed, he can make a 30 second phone call on a holiday and mail a card. You are a human being, you care about him you are VALUABLE and he should acknowledge this.

This life is VERY challenging -- even if both parties are completely dedicated to the relationship.

Perhaps you want this to work "too much?"

Flynn,

I agree with you whole heartedly. Perhaps I am wanting this to work too much! I guess that has a lot to do with not liking the dating world in general. It is such a challenge. But i DONT think I can handle this kind of disrepect longer. I guess the over all poll shows that .... well things are extremely ONE sided. Maybe I should just let him go!

We are always so off an on. And most of the time it has a lot to do with me feeling like I do wayyyyyy 2 much! I mean for christmas I sent him packages and he only lives 10 mins away. But he claims that he will be working like crazy with research and preparing for his ABSITE exam...with rotations etc...so that will leave little time for us. As these things always do. Its so funny when he first started I saw him more than I see him now.

I am not able to see him often and even when I do see him he is so tired and definately NOT fun to be around.

Hum......I just dont know one thing for sure time is the best teller of all truths!

Thanks once again ladies!

[Phoebe]

Sarita-

Sorry you are going through a hard time. You are the best judge of your boundaries and what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Surgery is a very difficult training path and the workload is outrageous (from what I hear). I met my husband during his internship year and it was terrible trying to get to know him. We were more off than on it seemed like. If I pressured him, he just shut down. So I understand where you are coming from. You need to decide what you want out of a relationship and what you are willing to put into one. You are in a tough spot. Good luck and post here often.

Jennifer

Sarita-

Sorry you are going through a hard time. You are the best judge of your boundaries and what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Surgery is a very difficult training path and the workload is outrageous (from what I hear). I met my husband during his internship year and it was terrible trying to get to know him. We were more off than on it seemed like. If I pressured him, he just shut down. So I understand where you are coming from. You need to decide what you want out of a relationship and what you are willing to put into one. You are in a tough spot. Good luck and post here often.

Jennifer

Jennifer,

Thank you so much! It is terribly hard getting to know him. I am patient but I get jealous when I see relationships where everyone's actively involved and I do have that. Those are brief moments. I get overwhelmingly crazy minded like this when I do not hear a word from him and I put pressure on! It seems our situation as well as some others are quite similar. Indeed today seems like one of those off days! As long as we are both committed to being committed cool! Hes such a cool dude! At least I have witnessed that!