Double the medical problems

Hey Everyone,
I am glad I found this site, and I hope everyone is having a happy holiday season!

I am sorry to introduce myself on such a low note, but this is one of the worst times that I have exprienced. I am currently an MSIV, going through the psychiatry match and my boyfriend of about 1 yr now is a 2nd yr resident in anesthesia. I am at a loss for what to do in terms of breaking up or just being quiet and staying the course.

the basic story is that everything was fine til he started anesthesia. (Transitional year was cake b/c he didn't study.) We are already long distance (2h) and with his new forever-on call schedule or always needing to study, i see him 1x/month and talk to him 2-3x/wk. the summer was miserable with me crying a lot and him turning his phone off so he could study. during all this, i took step 2 and failed. he doesn't even ask how i am doing, how studying is going - he just says things like "I have worked an 18hr day, or i've been on call 2 of the past 3 days!" since med school, i haven't been the greatest student, but this is horrible. I have been spending a lot of the past week either crying or imagining horrible outcomes for me. i am worried about simply matching now. to add to this, my bf wants to change his hosp b/c he hates his program. so the pressure is on me to match and then get him a job.
. :!
ok, my question to you ladies is is this fair? he has never offered to help me study and now all he is doing is focusing on taking step 3, even though he doesn't need to for any particular deadline. he had off on new yr's wkend, and now he is trading calls so he can take his exam soon. i am wasting a lot of time and emotion over this guy who just turns his phone off for days at a time to study. he even asked me during this restudying period to fill out job apps for him.

There are other factors too - i think he is going through his own depression b/c of how intense his program is (he is on anti-depressants), but this has been the worst 6m that i can remember. he still hasn't told his family nor have i met any of his friends (he is from the midwest and has no family/friends out here.) this doesn't irk me too much (surprisingly) - he is not close at all to his family and they don't even know that he hates where is right now!

it's not all bad, he came out to visit when i told him that i needed him to go to a party (he also had a golden wkend then.) but the good times are few or just memories of our first few months together.

what would you guys do? in his heart, a good guy, but i don't know if he will ever become human. and i am wasting all this energy when i know that i need to focus on passing my exam.
what do you guys think?
thanks, and thanks for all the posts that i have been reading to bolster me up!
buttercup

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from the buttercup bake shop in nyc!

[Flynn]

Only YOU can decide what's ok for you....it sounds like this is not okay with you so negotiate change or get out! Easier said then done but what isn't?

Two docs in training ---- now THAT sounds challenging.

Welcome and good luck.

And NO I would not put up with it...

[Meenah]

Welcome and glad you found us. It sounds like you are doing all of the work. Why in the world would he think it is OK to ask you to fill out his applications? I know this is a hard time but this should be a team effort. Good luck, know that you deserve respect.
Luanne

thanks!

hey - thanks for all of your uplifting posts! i've become spineless b/c i'm so happy to be "dating" (which really feels often like combat)....anyways i sortof let some of this off my chest to the boy tonight, so i think silence will reign (for hopefully only a little while.)

Goodnight,
Buttercup

ps. he got the idea of me doing his apps for him b/c i always do this kind of thing for him. yah, boy have i made it easy for him. (I also drive the 2h often to see him, buy him groceries, i could go on, but it is a lot pathetic.)

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my fave thing at the buttercup bake shop is the frosting!

[DCJenn]

Oh Buttercup...

Believe me when I tell you that all of the people who actually reside with their medical spouse or SigOther are cringing. Why? Because once they actually live with you, you do everything anyway...

No sister, you need to live your medical life and he can meet you halfway. because YOU will be doing YOUR internship year next year and HE will be PGY 3 and YOU will need HIM to do YOUR grocery shopping, etc.

The medical lifestyle takes teamwork and doubly so when your both doing it. We have several friends who are both docs and 1) they hire help whenever possible and 2) they either don't have kids or one or both have more child-friendly doc jobs and 3) they understand the stresses of different rotations through training, etc. It's not easy, but at least you're both not going through internship at the same time.

But enough about him, what are YOU interested in doing? (besides psych. - and FYI, we have a ton of friends who are psychs- I guess the neuro people and the psychiatry people are all so wierd that we all hang out together...)

Jenn

Hi Buttercup,

I can understand the many angles of this matter except I am not in medicine. My bf of 2.5 yrs is a 3rd year TS resident...who has no time for me..and true I have never met any of his friends EVER! His family does not live here they live in Canada....nor have I met any of them.

The best advice I can give someone and live this adivice myself is to pray! Surely we all can give you advice that is from our own personal experiences but prayer works wonders. Even when the facts dont add up...God shows up.

There are some wonderful people here. All who are great! I lived by so many of there encouragements...but I had to find rest in more. I love my bf. Inspite of many unhealthy habits. Some of which if he does not overcome them will cost him a great deal of his health...then who will take care of whom. Love is not enough sometimes. However, love conquers all. My aunt and uncle who have been married for 40 yrs, shared the most powerful message with me, and it was simply, change is inevitable. Something is bound to take place. Either you two will realize that it is not enough to stay together or you will move forward in trying to see what things you can hold dear. My uncle and his wife are successful because they have learned that they could not change each other after 50 years of habits formed. But....God had the power to change how they both interacted and accepted each other. For that reason they are roll models for me and their children on who is able to hold relationships together.

It is hard for men to love. When I was going over my bible study for the week, Paul talks alot about "husbands love your wives". As women we love..and it becomes so heart wrenching when that lvoe is not returned. I live it. For the bits and pieces I get I am so happy and I say wow should I be so happy with a crumb of love? NO. But I know for now that is all he is able to give for what ever reason. I pray and when God so chooses to move me from this point...then I will know it is time to move forward. In everything you do pray and ask God for guidance while asking that he keeps your ears and eyes inturned to the ever so small voice.

Much respect and much prayer,

I hope I was able to help you!

[PrincessFiona]

Welcome aboard..I'm late getting down here to meet the new people. This is a tough lifestyle with plenty of ups and downs....we like to refer to it as the 'rollercoaster' or f*ing rollercoaster depending on the day! To answer your question, Buttercup, NO..it is NOT fair....if I were you, I think I'd be tempted to turn off MY OWN phone for a day or two....or to say no to coming out once with an "I need to study" excuse...but...I'm passive-aggressive like that. :>

Is there a way for you to sit down and talk about this issue once the stress of the exams are over?

And hey...I don't care how bad men thing that they have it with love...God gave us feet to plant firmly on their behinds to keep them in line. She is a great and powerful God. :> :>

Welcome guys! [/b]

[Sheherezade]

I second the suggestion that you consider hiring help in the future. I've known two dual residency couples with kids and both of them 1) lived near family and 2) had live in childcare. I do not know how they managed that financially, but I see that as necessity not luxury. There is no way you can continue to be the go-to person in this relationship for everything and still get your own medical career off the ground. Your man needs to realize that the leaning-on-you thing needs to change. I know that it can be done, but you may need to make some major lifestyle adjustments to make sure you two get through. It's nice to have you aboard!

[smiley]

Hello Buttercup & welcome!
It sounds like a tough time for you. As to wether or not his treatment of you is okay, that is for you to decide. You have to think about what you expect from a boyfriend, and if he fits the bill or not.
Many schools offer free services for you to talk with someone about your problems. Take advantage of this, as a future psychiatrist you should realize many people benefit from this!
Sorry this holiday season is so rough for you. Take care of yourself and things will work out.

thanks!

hey guys,

thanks for all of your comments. Things came to a head recently, and I think that staying with this guy is not for me. I should be focusing on my exam and he makes sure that doesn't happen by throwing absurd curveballs - "i will not live in nyc, i will not continue with my anesthesia residency, why aren't you working on my job search..."

Alright, that's it for now, but thank you for all of your kind, supportive comments.
Buttercup
ps. before i met him, i used to be a really fun person who went dancing, practiced (sp?) yoga, did fun things in the city, and i became a fuddy duddy with him. here's to regrouping, and may be even being stronger after all of this garbage.

[DCJenn]

Go for it! and come back from time to time. and when you DO find Mr. Right, don't forget to tell him about us!

Jenn

Here's to regrouping! That coincides nicely with the new year. Best wishes to you.

And please have a cupcake for me.

[Meenah]

Best of luck to you. You are stronger than you realize!!
Luanne

[planet]

A late welcome to you Buttercup.

I can't even fathom being in the supportive role AND being in med school going through the match. It sounds like you made a wise decision. It is true that the med spouse often ends up carrying the ball way more than the fair share of the time. But...YOU ARE THE MEDIC TOO. You need that partner who will come crying to this site because of all of the thankless support he gives YOU.

Okay, really, if dh didn't say thank you for my help, I would quit. I hope your generosity is appreciated and reciprocated in the future.
Janet

one more q

hey ladies,
thanks for all of your support and kind words, both in this thread and the others - they have definitely bolstered my spirits!

(i deleted this post b/c i think the story is too much at this point.)
Sorry, but thank for everyone's input!

buttercup