hello

Hi I've been here awhile and I really appreciate the honesty and humor that you have all shared. I actually wrote this intro yesterdy but it didn't post so I did something wrong. After reading some of the posts it makes me think that since I'm not married I should run from this relationship but I'm really liking that my eyes can be open and so during the hard times at least I know others have survived. My BF is in the end of his first year of med school, he is 27 and of course he wants to be a surgeon.He lives in another state and so we talk every night or at least get an email out. He is so wonderful but at times he is distance on the phone and it makes me insecure. I have two main concerns 1..his teachers have the attitude that marriage and children make it too easy to fail and why not get thru and then marry a young pretty nurse. They say if he really wants to marry don't do it when you are in your fourth year...is that year really easier? Is their really a good time? Also I find myself making excuses for him and constantly making allowances for behavior because of school. If I do this for years you you just end up with a jerk at the end of school. I've just always said my peace and opinion but I say to myself it's the week before exams, or its the week after exams. So I just let him get way with stuff I wouldn't normally. I'm also a busy person working full time and getting my master in an excerated program...but I'm still always a thoughtful person and kind. I guess I need to understand that men just have a hard time sitting on the phone talking or writing long letters. He really does try I just feel like I am a complaining brat and what I going thru is nothing compared to being married with kids and a husband in a even more demanding year in training. So maybe this site is exactly what I need to keep me in check. My BF moved back in with his parents so he is happily taken care of by his mom and so he is in no hurry to marry but is frustrated because I won't drop my life to just live in the same city and see him for a few hours each week with out being married. Am I wrong?? Any advice Hope to get to know you all Mandy

[Sheherezade]

I wouldn't make light of the stresses you face right now in your relationship. Sure, it's hard to be married with kids in residency....but it doesn't sound like trying to GET to that during medical school is a cake walk either!

I think maintaining your own life is a must because it is so easy to get sucked in to the role of helpmate when your SO is bogged down with school. Luckily, his *mom* is stuck with that right now! Keep a positive outlook, maintain your own activities/location and be supportive emotionally. If it is meant to be, you'll tough it out.

We have a few members now with boyfriends in training...you guys should start posting more. Us old married folks can be out of touch with the dating issues!

[SuzySunshine]

Totally agree, you have to have your own life. Finish your education and then if a good job presents itself in his location take it. My DH and I spent 14 months apart between my college graduation and the time I could find a good job in his medical school location, it can be done if you both are committed and work hard. Yes, sometimes studying take precedence over phone calls and e-mails but he still needs to make an effort. There really isn't a "right" time to get married just like people will say there isn't a "right" time to have kids.

In my experience we got married the summer after his third year, of a five year program, so before he went into clinics. Clinics is a good time IMO because while every rotation is a little different its usually better than the "book work" years.

Welcome and feel free to ask away, we're all good sources of information.

[DCJenn]

We got married the day after he graduated from medical school because I wasn't going to pick up and leave my fantastic job that allowed me to buy my house with my cats in my car to drive 1500 miles leaving all of my friends and family to be his girlfriend. But I said it slightly more nicely at the time. But not much more.

During the 14 months we dated, he was gone for 9 and I was gone for 1. It's totally doable and in fact, it was a lot easier to be apart than together and distant during internship year.

Welcome aboard- and hopefully we haven't scared you too, too much!

Jenn

Welcome. We lived together for the last two years of med school and got married 14 days after graduation. Never a good time - just like everyone else said, but I particularly agree w/jloreine about the "not uprooting your entire life" to be a girlfriend. In our situation "just" living together was a huge committment from him due to family issues (he's Indian, I'm not, his parents WERE NOT HAPPY), so I was willing to take that as a first step.

He does need to make an effort (especially if Mommy is handling all the scut work and he can focus on the books). I hate that professors try to give relationship advice. Everyone is different! My dh says he flat out wouldn't have made it through med school if it weren't for me.

Good luck. I'm glad you found us. It's good to go into these things with your eyes open.

I can't imagine my MIL "taking care" of DH at 27.

Mandy, I feel your pain! We don't have a long-distance relationship, but we're also not married. We started dating toward the end of his 3rd year of med school, after being roommates for nearly a year. 3 months into the relationship, we were already discussing moving together to wherever he matched. Thankfully, he matched in the same city where we were already living, because we ended up breaking up for 3 months while he got his previous relationship (a marriage) out of his system once and for all, shortly after graduation. When I think about what would have happened if he had matched in another city... I'm not sure I can say with confidence that we would have gotten back together. He knows now that for fellowship, I'm not uprooting where I've been living and working for the last 7 years without a firm committment of marriage. It's been 3 years of a lot of ups and downs, but with a little work we've managed to come out together. People do it (as you've read). I think having your eyes opened here is a great start. It has been for me.
4th year of medical school was our BEST time. We went on dates and had lazy weekend mornings drinking coffee and reading the papers. I long for that year! He was always bringing home flowers, gifts and cards and sending sweet e-mails... I've gotten flowers twice and about 3 e-mails since he started residency nearly 2 years ago. He is very considerate and romantic, but hasn't had time to act on those instincts for a while now. Having seen it, and knowing he has it in him, I remind him that I miss it, without faulting him for it. And he still comes through on occasion. I excuse a lot of behavior in him I wouldn't (and haven't) with any other guy... because of his profession and because I love him so darn much.
Hang in there, I know you're frustrated, but you sound like you have your head on straight.

[Flynn]

Tara Said:

I hope I didn't come across a negative but making excuses for them is a hot button issue for me. Remember, just because they are going to have an MD at the end of their name does not mean the world has to revolve around them

You go girl!!! I couldn't agree more.

Med. school was a walk in the park compared to residency (for the majority of MDs I know) so he should start learning to deal NOW. Instead of WHAAA WHAAA WHAAA, there are other ways to positively deal with stress AND keep a relationship going. It's all about priorities.

Have your own life, make your own decisions and negotiate what YOU need. It's NOT all about him.

thanks for all the advice

Thanks for all the good words of advice... I am committed to finnishing my masters and just hope i can stay focused and confident enough to make it thru our separation. I've been sick this week so i'm not really chatty tonight but just wanted to thank you for the support...mandy

Have your own life, make your own decisions and negotiate what YOU need. It's NOT all about him.


That is the best advice I could have gotten from anyone...thanks flynn. I say it over each day because just because you love someone doesnt mean you have to lose yourself. I actually don't believe this relationship will work out for the long haul because his needs are being taken care of by his mom. He wants me to do all the sacrifice and he wants no pressure to interfer with his schooling. I don't need babysitting but to be on his team for decisions mine and his would be nice. And I'm 1500 miles away. If its meant to be it will happen but i finnish my masters in Dec 2006 and if he hasn't stepped up to really a ring and a date then my job search will be not limited to his area of the country. My last boyfriend I gave up huge opportunities for(Manhatten Conservatory) and I've made peace with those decisions but now I can't leave my friends and family for a few hours a week or less of his time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for the I'm going to be a doctor so you should be happy with whatever I give you attitude. It would be so much easier to handle if my heart and my brain would be on the same page...also its been 10 weeks since we were together so i'm just a little negative. I really think I could get along on 10- 20 minutes a day if his attention was really with me but the wierd thing is I actually talk to him more the week before exams and the week of exams. After exams he is distant for afew weeks ? Is this common? I've never been so unsure of myself and I do keep all this to myself. The real problem is that when we are together we are the bestat everything...communication, sharing dreams, working together.etc.. Thanks for letting me vent I'll be better tomorrow...Mandy

[Laker]

We were married the wekend after we both graduated (her M.D., me J.D.) and after the honeymoon, I had to move for a few months to take the bar exam in the second residency location for after intern year.

There is a lot to deal with when you SO is in medicine. Hang in there.