I Hate Intro But Here Goes Nothing.

I was on the computer and was desperately trying to find help for my new marriage. I am actually the student in training and my husband is the "victim" I guess you could say. I wanted to find a support network for him since he is used to me doing absolutely everything and now our world has been turned upside down. According to this and other websites I might as well get used to it and so should he but none-the-less, I don't want this marriage to be a statistic and I figure understand the stress and where its coming from is half the battle.

Welcome to the board!



I think it's harder for male spouses in this situation. I know that here (KCOM) the spouses are predominately female. There are a few males, but you only see them occasionally. I think that what has made life better for them here is to get involved in things like intermural sports & working at the school's gym. They get the social interaction as well as get an idea of what you are going through from hearing it from other students as well.



As for you doing everything for him.... that's a tough one. Unless you're superwoman, it's probably not going to be the case that much longer. THat doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be trouble for the marriage- you just have to work out responsibilities. I found myself resenting my husband some in the beginning because I suddenly was responsible for everything. It was frustrating to me for him to sitting & watching mindless TV during his requisite "daily break time" while I worked on dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. We finally sat down and worked out something that doesn't involve me doing all the housework and him doing only medical school. We are both much happier now!



Medical school is certainly doable as a couple- it takes lots of communication and compromise, though. As long as you're willing to do that, you have what it takes to make it through!



Good luck!

Wendy

I will say that the first year of my husband's residency was the worst for me....I had read books about medical training, etc...but nothing prepared me for actually being "in the trenches".....your marriage won't be a statistic...especially not if you are already looking at ways to improve on things and make the adjustment easier for both of you.



You must have just finished your first year? How long have you been married? What does your hubyy do and how is he coping?



Welcome to the group....



Kris








The Medical Spouse Network

Both of you should stick around.

My husband and I have been married for two years (been together for about 6). He works for the government and is preparing to take the LSAT for admission to law school. He's a good husband, makes me laugh. Its just this first year was just so hard on him. The poor thing barely new how to microwave left overs..he's just spoiled. I still love him though.

Welcome, NoSleep! (great username)



I am the male spouse of a female pediatrician (just finished her residency and is now chief resident for a year). I can tell you that it is difficult for both spouses in any medical marriage, but in the case where the wife is the doctor/doctor-in-training, I think there are some specific issues that differ from other relationships. Even though I consider myself a fairly enlightened man who believes in total equality in a male/female relationship, I think that many women still feel like they need to take care of domestic things, and many men still subliminally feel content to let this happen. Even the men who try to do their part sometimes tend to have different standards with regard to how clean the house is, what exactly constitutes "dirty laundry," etc. My wife often felt like I should be doing more around the house, whereas I felt like I was being perfectly self-suffiencient. While I felt I needed to be keeping myself busy with various personal interests, to distract myself from lonliness and depression while she was on call, she felt I should have been picking up the slack on household chores. I was (and am still) often guilty of just doing the bare minumum I needed for us to get by. I mean, I did plenty of chores and little things for her all the time... but a guy's idea of doing a lot of chores and a woman's are not always the same thing! I had to learn to do more than just "my part" around the house, and also be good enough to do some of what would otherwise be considered "her half" of the workload. I'm still working on it, getting better all the time, I hope. Again, it's not that I'm a jerk and think that housework is for women -- NOT AT ALL! It's just that we have different standards, and as a woman she is sometimes hesitiant to ask me to do more. So, I'm trying to learn to do things before she has to ask!



Of course, I have a full-time job myself, and an important but difficult thing for the resident/spouse to remember is that 45-50 hours per week may not seem like much to a doctor-in-training, but to someone who isn't used to a resident's hours, it seems like PLENTY. My energy level was not always too high after a day's work at my "normal" job, yet occasionally my wife felt as if I was just being lazy. In truth, I was sometimes almost as tired as she was, but I got the "You don't know what it's like to work so hard" speech more than once, and that was unfair. Residents need to try not to take their frustrations out on their spouses because of the path they have chosen for themselves.



On the other hand, very importantly, the resident's spouse needs to try not to resent them for the choice they made to become a doctor. If your husband loves and respects you, he should be so proud of your accomplishments and celebrate the fact that you have chosen to pursue such a challenging and potentially noble career. I know I feel that way about my wife -- I can't stop bragging to everyone I know! -- and remembering that has gotten me through some difficult times.



Hope this wasn't too off-topic for an intro forum...!



Chris

Chris-



Wow! That was like an excerpt from any number of conversations at my own house! You said that very well. We regularly have that discussion about how much I am doing around the house vs. how much he is doing around the house. Somehow, the hours he puts in for school always get factored into the mix & I come out looking like the slacker (which I'm not). Maybe men & women do have different standards of clean, but I'm a firm believer that that is not an excuse for one partner to do nothing, nor is it an excuse to nag the other partner into being a clean freak. There has to be a compromise somewhere. Dave is terrible about just looking around to see what needs to be done (especially if it involves dusting or vacuuming). I've learned that if i want him to do those things, I have to very specifically ask him to do them. Then I have to ask a few more times because he'll "forget." I have to fight the urge to just do it myself because I'm tired of waiting for him to do it. We're better than we used to be about arguing over housework, but it still comes up. I think it'll always be that way.



As for the whole "I'm so tired" thing, I get a little tired of that as well. Until early June, I worked full time, did 3 hours of graduate work, and took care of the majority of the household chores. It got a little difficult to hold my tongue when that topic of who was busier came up. I found myself resentful more than once of his ability to juggle studying and chairing this committee and that committee and running this project, yet his inability to help me fold a load of laundry because he was too tired. I often felt like the things I was doing (even though it was a fairly boring job) were very much minimized in comparison to the almighty pursuit of midicine. Fortunately, we talk about it, I see his need to get involved in things and learn not to take it as him thinking less of the things I'm involved in, he sees my need to have his help around the house and how his involvement sometimes needs to be moderated a bit (i.e. not everything that comes up needs Dave's personal stamp) and for the most part, it works out well. I think this will also be a long-term thing.



Thanks for the opportunity to vent that a little. I think I needed to more than i realized!



Wendy

Wendy,



I found myself resentful more than once of his ability to juggle studying and chairing this committee and that committee and running this project, yet his inability to help me fold a load of laundry because he was too tired.



hahaha...I know the feeling!



Our situation is similar in some ways....his hours always seem to be weighted a bit more heavily than mine but my husband is the neat freak and I am the take it as it goes kind gal If my dh walks through the door and things aren't up to standards, he freaks, running about doing things...when I cook dinner, he can't even sit down with us to eat because their are dirty pots on the stove that MUST immediately be put into the dishwasher....I am more the type who makes dinner, eats it and then either 1. gets up and cleans the kitchen or 2. kicks back and relaxes for an hour or two and then cleans...depending on my mood and overall level of exhaustion....Coming home for him is diff than being at work all day and so he can see and feel more motivated to finish the clean-up (not without little comments of course ) I'm here all day and so I guess I am used to a bit more chaos.




The Medical Spouse Network

[DCJenn]

I keep reminding myself that everyone goes through it. I swear I don't know if it's a standards thing, a male-female thing ir if he just needs new glasses. Tonight, while making a sandwich he dripped stuff on the floor- mentioned it and still walked away-



UGH



Jenn

Jenn...that is soooo funny!!!! Thomas does the same kind of thing! His favorite is spilling something in the fridge and then ..."Kris...can you get this"...



Kris
The Medical Spouse Network

You need my dog at your house! Never again would you worry about picking up dropped food (unless it was an onion or a pickle). It's so bad that I have to make a conscious effort to pick up dropped food if I'm at someone else's house & I drop something!





Wendy

Our dog has only one use around the house: cleaning up after spills in the kitchen! Esp. now with the baby - she can't wait to get in and clean up the high chair after feedings! This is not only great for us (except of course when she turns up her nose at the baby bite-sized cantelope squished all over the floor) but has meant a very friendly relationship between dog and baby.



As for Tom, he's pretty neat but has some sort of mental block against putting away his shaving stuff. I don't nag much since he voluntarily sits down to fold laundry most of the time now.

Kaaren

Our dog has the same "occupation" She sits patiently and waits for us all to finish our meal and while I am doing dishes, she cleans the floor and chairs. When the kids get older and stop dropping so much she'll be devastated!



Kris
The Medical Spouse Network

I couldn't survive without our dog picking up after my kids, especially the baby. He is always walking around dumping cereal or crumbs of something. My dog is the lifesaver!!!!



Robin