Introduction and venting - all in one

My husband is a PGY-6 General Surgery Resident currently interviewing for a cardiothoracic surgery fellowship. He is a PGY-6 because he did an extra two years in the lab and is now finishing up his last two years of General Surgery. We got married after his second year of medical school, so I have been dealing with this for a while. I have handled it all pretty well up until now - now I am just OVER IT! We have a two year old daughter, and I have been a SAHM since she was born. This whole year (you know, since July) has been a nightmare. My daughter has hit the terrible twos, I have absolutely no help EVER. My husband has only had a TOTAL of around 9 days off since July, including weekends and holidays. Four of those were because his team worked double call in December to give each other time off during the holidays. Yes, he just keeps working 7 days a week, no exceptions! If he is not on call on a weekend, we are still lucky if he makes it home from rounds by early afternoon. It doesn't seem to matter if he's on call or not - if there is work to be done, he has to do it. Second problem, I think he's allowed to moonlight, but come on, how funny is that? When would he ever moonlight? He's NEVER off work! Therefore we are sinking deeper into debt every month (especially with all these ct fellowship interviews!). I don't see how we can make it unless I work again - part time at the very minimum. I don't know how - I handle everything from raising our daughter, to finances and bills, repairs, housework, errands and all the business of life. He doesn't even know how much his paycheck is. And now he's saying we need to get moving on having a second child! Besides the fact that it would have to be an immaculate conception since he's never here, how am I supposed to handle another child? I can't handle all my responsibilities now. But if we wait until he's finished with all his training (10 years total), I'll be 36! And to think we got married when I was 23! 36 is not a great time to be starting the rest of a family. We should be finishing by then! I guess the bottom line is I look at the 4 1/2 years we have left and think I don't know how to make through that many more years. It seems like an eternity even after completing so much already. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent during my introduction. I was going to scream and start smashing dishes on the floor if I didn't get this out!

[houseelf]

Wow!!! I didn't catch your name, but let me say, I HEAR YOU SISTER!!!! You have found some common ground here.



Let me introduce myself. I'm Kelly, wife of a second year general surgery resident at a big academic program. I'm also the mother of a darling 2 year old little boy who continually walks the fine line between angel child/devil child. My dh also plans to do two years of research in between the 3rd and 4th year of his residency and do a pediatric general surgery residency in who-knows-what-city after completion of this program. So while many of the people that he went to medical school with are facing a mere one or two more years of residency, we have at least seven. I should also mention that we are playing the biological clock/residency scheduling method of family planning. The second child question looms over us constantly. My dh turned 31 this weekend and I'm just around the corner from 29 (gasp!). I don't particular like the equation of 29 +7 either when it comes to family planning.



I do work outside the home (25-35 hours a week) and it kills my heart sometimes. My little boy loves his friends and he is learning a lot, so that gives me some consolation. However, I was a basketcase every month that I stayed home in this big city far from home and watched our credit card balance creep up to unmanageable portions. After over a year of working outside the home, we are just now getting finances back under control (somewhat).



I, too, have a strong need to vent and that is why I initially joined this website. Also like you, I have found more peace with the whole residency over time. But there are somedays where I feel like I'm going to burst and yet none of my friends in nonmedical families have any real understanding.



I apologize for answering your introduction with a vent, it just sparked something within me. I think it is like that phenomenon where you meet a stranger on a plane and realize that you have some odd and rare thing in common and you talk the whole flight. The dynamics of a medical family are strange indeed. It is almost like a silent legacy.



So welcome to the boards! All the members are amazing people. Welcome!



Kelly

Welcome to the board!



My husband finished an OB/GYN residency last summer and even now when I think about his schedule during those four years (and all that he missed at home) I get tears in my eyes. So I can't even imagine what it is like for you -- but I feel for you and hope you can find support here. It is also a great place to vent -- we all understand, to a certain extent, what you're going through.



I look forward to getting to know you better as you post.



Sally

Oh gosh, I relate to so much of what you are saying. We have three children and the no help EVER comment really sticks with me. I truly consider the parenting that I have done up to this point to be single-parenting...and I believe that my skills as a mom have suffered because of it...you simply need a break..you NEED the help and support of a spouse or from the outside and it is really hard when you are doing it alone! All I can say is that you have to have some time for yourself. Since hubby isn't available I would suggest a preschool a couple of mornings a week..or even joining a gym with a nursery so that you can go and work out and toddler can make friends with some other twobies! I took classes part-time while my husband was a resident, just to get myself out of the house and give myself a focus other than just children and residency. The up side of it is that I was able to apply for financial aid and the money that we borrowed went for things like rent, car, etc....The interest rate was lower than any kind of a loan we could have gotten, and my schedule was super flexible....



We did a fellowship and my hubby also worked 7 days a week for most of it...and it was miserable. I felt so overwhelmed and I was so angry all of the time...I could barely stand to be around myself at times!!! I went to grad school, and the financial aid helped us immensely, but the stress was way too much for me because when I was gone I felt like I should be with the kids and when I was with the kids I felt like I should be working or studying....It did allow me some time to myself though. It's taken me a long time to decide that it was alright for me to take that time for myself as a mom...



I really, really feel for you with what you are going through. I know that 4 years seems like an unbearable amount of time. Maybe you can find some alternatives for yourself that would give you a focus for your life other than soley parenting and surgery right now? We all need balance in our lives!



Vent anytime...you've come to the right place!



Kris

[DCJenn]

Welcome-



You have found the absolute best group of people to come and vent to. We're a mixed bag- some are just starting the journey and some have (lucky for them) reched the other side. The rest of us are here in some version of hell at least some of the time.



We can all relate to the fact that if something needs to be done, we're the ones that have to do it. (which is why the dog we got on Saturday is here, at my office, because he figured out how to climb out of the cage and I haven't figured out what else to do with him!)



Come and vent anytime!!



Jenn

Yikes! PGY 6!!! And more to go!

Here as the newbie to the group and at nearly the earliest stage of the process I can't say I have much to contribute (and I am suddenly momentarily terrified, to boot). BUT--I do think joining a group like this is such a great way to help survive--and secondly, as one of the older people I've seen post here so far I want to put in an encouraging word about the age and parenting issue. I am 37 and we are just now trying to get pregnant--Most of my friends didn't have their kids until their mid-30's, and at least one is 40. To be honest, waiting this long (and having to try this hard) to get pregnant wouldn't have been my first choice if I were lying around in a studio designing My Perfect Life, but on the other hand I wouldn't immediately write off waiting to have your second until you've got more time/energy/support. Either way, though, be sure to listen to what YOU need.



Kate

Oh, you have come to the right place! Vent away!



If it helps at all, I understand [some] of what you are going through. Days off? You mean surgery residents get days off? Ha ha ha! I'm sitting here trying to think if my husband has had a complete day off this year . . . I think he's had 2. Two whole days where he didn't have to go in at all. I hear you re: the "rounds" - "I don't have to work tomorrow - I just have to round" - meanwhile, the clock hits 1 or 2 in the afternoon! Well, welcome to our group!!! My husband is a 3rd year gen surg resident. He's tossing around the idea of a vascular fellowship after we're finished here. We don't have any kids yet which I know makes my life a lot easier than yours - you are a very strong woman! I'm finishing up my thesis this semester and will then have my MA - I'll be able to tell you in June what sort of job this helps me find!



Again, welcome and I'm really looking forward to chatting with you in the other "rooms"!

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. This is the place to vent and get support. This is a great group of people and I am amazed at how much most of them have been through and how strong they are. I feel like I haven't seen anything yet as my dh is just finishing med school and we are waiting for Match Day in the next couple of weeks.



I can only imagine how hard it has been having your husband gone so much. My dh initially decided to go into surgery and I just cried! I did not know how I would survive. We have four boys ranging from 10 years of age to 2 and I did not think I would be able to handle a surgery residency on top of that. I rarely saw him the second year of medical school and I never saw him on his surgical rotations. He was so happy though that I figured I would stick it out. Fortunately, for our situation, my husband switched to anesthesia at the last minute. He couldn't stand the thought of missing so much of our kids lives. Of course, if we were just starting out with our family, he would have stayed with it. But... with a 10 year old, he would miss some critical years and he decided it wasn't worth it. He loved surgery though and there are times when I wonder if we should have gone that route.



I know 4 years sounds like a long time but look how far you have come and four years flies by. I can't believe we are finishing medical school. It really feels like we just got here though we definitely had our struggles. Come to the boards anytime. There are a lot of people in similar situations and it is nice to realize that you are not alone in this whole process. The negative feelings we get are normal. This is a crazy life being a medical spouse but it can also be rewarding. Hang in there and I hope you are having a better day!



Robin

Quote: if I were lying around in a studio designing My Perfect Life



That's too funny!



Kris

Thanks so much, everyone, for your prompt and supportive responses. I know I will come here often.