girlfriend of med student

Hi everyone... I'm new and I'm really glad to find this board, because my boyfriend has just started med school this week and already I'm not doing so great! We have been together for about 3 years, minus a month or so last spring when we broke up to decide if we really wanted to go forward with our relationship... got back together after a while and things have been so great ever since. Except that he started med school this week and already I feel so left out. I know part of the problem is I am job-hunting right now, and my roommate works crazy hours, so I have WAY too much time on my hands to just sit and think. My boyfriend and I have had a lot of conversations about how we're going to get through this and how we need to make sure we introduce each other to our new friends (we're both new to this city, but have lots of college friends here) and stuff, but so far it doesn't feel like it's going very well. I feel like he doesn't want me to meet his new friends, and he doesn't want to make time to spend with me--not a good thing since it has only been one week! Is it normal for him to be so preoccupied with all these new people, and will that change? I'm trying to give him space, but I want him to understand that I need some time with him every now and then, and I don't want to feel like he's doing that out of obligation.... does that make sense? Anyway, any advice would be SO greatly appreciated.... thanks!

Hi & Welcome to our community! This is the perfect place to sound off as you did in your post! We make similar postings a LOT! The beginning of any med school year/intern year/residency year is VERY stressful for most MDs. We go through this adjustment phase at the beginning of every single rotation and it's always tough. My husband gets so worried about how he's going to do on that particular rotation. I think med school is the same! He wants to do very well and it is important that he gets to know the other students! They are all going through a very unique and stressful experience together! My husband will often call one of his best buddies here in residency and vent about patients or what not. I will then ask him "well, why didn't you tell me all of that stuff???" I used to feel really hurt but now I understand - as much as I can try, I will never truly understand the daily grind of medicine.



I think you should look at the post (I think it's under the general topics) about surviving the intern year! There are many great suggestions on how to make your "own" little life while your medical mate is busy! I wish that I could tell you differently but it's not going to get any easier until later. If you think he's not around much now, wait until residency (depending on his specialty, of course)! I know it's tough when you are job hunting! I was doing the same recently and it gets VERY lonely and boring! Is there a class you have been wanting to take? Books to read? I would continue to go out with your friends, too! All in all, continue on with your life and your boyfriend will see you when he can - I'm sure! Try talking to him when he's in a relaxed moment! Good luck and come talk here whenever you need to!

Starting medical school or residency is such a huge transition for both partners. I know exactly how you feel. When my husband started residency, I felt pretty left out. He was having these new experiences, was dealing with people all day long and was enjoying his new 'status'.



I think that as hard as it is, it's important to let him navigate his way through this transition and give him time....This isn't going to be a permanent situation. What helped me, honestly, was getting involved in interests of my own. I starting taking a college class a semester and developed my own friendships outside of our marriage.



At the end of the day, he and I always had each other to come to. We have now survived almost 8 years of training, the births of 3 children....and are finally on the other side of the medical school/training years.



You can do it!







Kris

Hi and welcome to the site! I am fairly new here myself. My fiancee is a third year medical student. We have been together for about two years now. I want to let you know that you have found a wonderful place to share all of the joy's and stresses being in a medical relationship can produce. I found it comforting to know that there are other's like myself out there, going through the same things and making it work. Keep in mind that you and your boyfriend are both adjusting to some pretty big changes in your life. It takes time to find your comfort zone as a couple. Last year, I felt left out and lonely quiet often. Aashish had to study pretty much all of his free time, and when he was not studying, he was trying to catch up on his sleep. It took me a while to realize that I needed to make a life for myself. I am starting school this week. My advice to you would be.......try not to dwell on the amount of time he is able to spend with you, but rather the quality. Once again, welcome to the site, I look forward to getting to know you better.





Rachel

Thanks everybody.... it's definitely going to be a slow process, but we are trying to adjust.... it's nice to know there is a place I can vent to other people who understand what this is like!

[Cumberland]

when jason got accepted, one of my friends gave me some great advice- she said you must develop a sense of independence and your own interests and activities or you will end up angry and resentful of the time he spends away from you.



definitely easier said than done but still, i try to remember this and it has helped.

[houseelf]

Welcome to the boards! Your post tapped into so many issues that our members are going through. Just realize that these stressful times have an ebb and a flow. Both of you are going through big changes so there is bound to be some amount of friction. Job searching can be very stressful and, to state the obvious, medical school can make the most stalwart of individuals shake in their boots. You guys will sort this all out with time. Best of luck.



I can't wait to chat more below!



Kelly

I hear ya. I was dating my husband when he started post-bach so I've been through the whole ordeal... MCAT, applications, interviews, med school... now he's an intern. It's not easy- your boyfriend is getting used to the crazy hours too and I'm sure he'd rather be with you than his books. If you're in it for the long haul- it takes a lot of communication and effort and scheduled time together. Hang in there! Many like you have survived!

Thanks, everybody... so far I think my biggest issue has been getting used to the fact that he is in the library 24/7, basically. He's the kind of person who has a one-track mind--if he's studying, he doesn't think of anything else... including me. So I have been feeling kind of ignored--I know he has to study nonstop, but it does not take that long to make a quick phone call or send a quick email to just say hi or whatever. I'm prepared to deal with not seeing him often (since we're not married and don't live together) and not talking very often, either, but if we never see each other and he is so busy he can't even call now and then... well, that's not much of a relationship! Going in he said he was scared that we'd grow apart because of never being able to see each other--but right now I feel like I'd be fine if he could just let me know he's thinking of me now and then. I'm definitely willing to be in it for the long haul, but he has to try too.... anyone else had similar issues and/or have advice on how to explain to him how I feel (in the five minute space I'll have between his study sessions)?

[houseelf]

Hi--sorry for the late response, it has been a little crazy.



In an attempt to answer your question, I'll let you know how we got through this. When my hubby and I were dating we studied together at Barnes and Noble. Seriously, we earned both of our degrees at the Starbucks cafe over coffee! When I was in hyper-study mode, i.e. finals or my licensing test, I would have to go at it alone for 8 hours in the library and then give him my time afterward. Then we would both take a much needed dinner break, run, bikeride, rollerblade, whatever. Even if you don't need to study, perhaps you could read or work on another project while he studies.



Seriously, this CAN work out for you two if you get creative. It is still very early in the school year, realize that you all will sort out the time crunch eventually. I know it is hard to see the long term perspective sometimes, but please look at this time as a temporary readjustment. Good luck.



Kelly

[Michele]

My fiance just started his first year as a med student too. It's hard. So far one of the things we are trying to implement is a once a week date. It can include making dinner together or watching a movie, or playing with our dog. But it has to be quality...not just ordering a pizza while he studies. I try to make him dinner and bring it to the school when he's there late...I used to do that when he studied for the MCAT. Gives me something to do...plan a nice meal...and it gets him to remember to eat!

Michele