"Soooo, when are you going to have babies?"

[rainbabies]

well....dh and i tried for two years before we were able to get preggers and stay that way. we had 'issues'. i hated it when people would ask...especially my own family. i didnt feel like sharing the details of my latest miscarriage with anyone except dh. it's nobody's business.

now that i have kids, and they're close in age...i get, "so, you know what causes that right?" or from my dad, "geez you're really trying to break me arent you"....um, no....im not having babies for you to give me a money gift. jerk.

people suck.

[alison]

There are two people who like to ask this question ALL the time. My dad and my husband's mother (mil). The others in our lives never ask.
It doesn't bother me much, I don't know why. My mil is an overall nag, about everything, so the question gets lumped into her overall annoying yakkin'. :>

[SuzySunshine]

Yep, people suck is really the only way to combat it. DH and I are coming up on our five year anniversary and for some reason people think that gives them the right to ask the question more often. Our response for the last few years has been "we're just not there yet" or "when we're ready we'll let you know". Lately DH's response has been "Its in the 5 year plan" people usually laugh and change the subject. Except, of course, his aunt who can't take and hint and then says so you're in year 5, right?

IMO when you first meet people they're likely to ask do you have kids, if you say no that should be the END of the conversation. I've learned a lot in the last year and the bottom line is you have NO idea what goes on inside someone else's house. You don't know what goes on in their body, you don't know if they want kids and can't have them or don't want kids. Or are going through adoption and have lost children that way. Its no ones business but the husband and the wife.

I continue to stick with "we're just not there yet" for most people that shuts them up. The pushy ones are going to be pushy. If we have another family function before getting pg and DH's aunt asks again we're going to lay it all out for her - hopefull she'll feel so bad that hopefully she'll never ask anyone else again.

[houseelf]

Lily,

The thing is, these kind of questions don't stop here.

Some that come to mind:

When are you two going to get married?
When are you going to have a baby?
It's time for another one!
Are you done having kids?
How do you feel about following him about the country for his career?
What are you going to do with your career?

99% of the time I'm an open book about my life and I'm more than happy to engage in conversation, but there are times when a random stranger asking me this sets me off. Because I'm in the throes of the last three questions which entail a massive internal and external dialogue, sometimes I just want to shout, I DON'T KNOW!

But those are my issues....

Kelly

[Malpka]

Rudest question ever. People should MYOB- if you were close enough to that person you would probably already have the answer, which is a good hint for you to STFU.

[alison]

When I find questions too personal, I laugh them off with a "what are you asking that question for?/what kind of question is that?" The asker usually will say, "I'm just askin'!" Sometimes they'll ask the question again, and you can just repeat the "Hey! No, really, what kind of question *is* that?"

[Ravenclaw]

I haven't really gotten that question too much. Friends have asked jokingly, so when are you going to have kids? I hear through my mom that my grandma asks but that's just her old-world mentality. She started asking when we were getting married as soon as we finished college.

Usually the kids thing is indirect. Like my SIL will say "I can't wait to be an aunt!" Or if I comment on a baby, my mom will say you'll have one soon too or something to that effect.

I'd be TO'd if someone asked me directly about it. That is just rude - it's none of their damn business!

[Sheherezade]

I'm obviously a rude individual. I have no problem answering this question with all our intimate details, an "I don't know", a "We're trying" or a "We don't know if we really want to have kids."

I try to be careful about asking this -- mainly because I have learned it was rude from others that are so bothered by it. Mostly, I'm bothered by the fact that I don't get bothered by these things. I suppose that's what makes me socially awkward. I am a good person; I don't mean to hurt anyone. I want the best for my friends and family and I would always be there for them. If I'm too nosy - sorry. I had know idea. That's my motto. Usually people realize this about me once they get to know me well and I am well received in a community. When I first get in to a new town, I work hard to keep my mouth shut because I know I upset people with these inappropriate questions. Ce la vie.

Try to remember that not everyone realizes that they are being rude and they aren't trying to hurt you. I'll try to remember to keep my mouth shut.

DH and I are coming up on year 6 of marriage, and get this question all the time. DH's sister is getting married in March, and I am dreading it due to the fact we will see nosy relatives.


We have been getting this question for the past 5 years, and frankly I'm bored with it. When people ask, I just answer "not yet". Of course, when I said this to FIL, he asked for a timeline


I have a cousin who told our aunt that "we're trying, ALL the time, in fact we just tried in your bathroom."

[Sheherezade]

I have a cousin who told our aunt that "we're trying, ALL the time, in fact we just tried in your bathroom."

This sounds like me. :>

[Ravenclaw]

I have a cousin who told our aunt that "we're trying, ALL the time, in fact we just tried in your bathroom."

I honestly think there is a huge difference between an innocuous "Are you planning to have kids?" versus "When are you going to have a baby?" every time someone sees you. Or the kinds of follow-ups Lily described - that's nutty. Pressing when you've been given an answer -- or you've been redirected -- that crosses the line of rudeness.

I can understand it being more difficult for people actively experiencing intefertility ... just as it's harder for me to hear stuff about people's mom's helping w/a baby, coming to visit, or being their best friend.

Does this mean I think people need to stop talking about their mom? No way (although I will admit when she first died I would get REALLY torked off when people would complain about their mom).

Idle chit-chat is just that - idle chit-chat. If we keep creating "off-limit" subjects the people in this world will become even more disconnected. :!

[SuzySunshine]

Idle chit-chat is just that - idle chit-chat. If we keep creating "off-limit" subjects the people in this world will become even more disconnected. :!

That is why I said when they ask once we have an answer and we don't mind it. Its when people ask EVERY time they see us or people that don't take "not yet" for an answer that torques me off - regardless of my situation, if someone asks me when we're having kids and I respond we're not there yet - that should be the end of it - pushing the subject is RUDE! Maybe I'll start sending everyone that pushes the subject an Emily Post Guide to Etiquette!

[SuzySunshine]

Or I could start responding, "I suppose when God things we're ready." What do you think people's reactions to that would be?

Or I could start responding, "I suppose when God things we're ready." What do you think people's reactions to that would be?

You'd probably get sad eyes and a patronizing pat on your hands or the like. If it were me that would send me even FURTHER off the deep end.