Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock

Slightly tangential...

When we went to Colorado, we housesat for friends of friends (and coincidently, I babysat for their kids way back). Our time in the house overlapped by a few days and she commented how much she liked having our kids in her house and that it made her look forward to having grandkids some day.

She went on to say that her older daughter does want to get married and have kids but she hasn't really settled in a location yet (several moves for graduate work). Her younger daughter who just finished graduate school and is more settled does not want kids.

I said the -- oh, she is young and may change her mind. Guilty :hey: . The mom said, "Well, she might but I have to respect her feelings on this and don't think about it that way." Awesome mom high five.

[poky]

I don't think the intention ever is that people think you are unfulfilled if you don't have a child. That is just how it is being interpreted.

Maybe not from *reasonable* people...but...from the article:

I recently expressed my happiness over an achievement I had at work to a mother-friend of mine. She said, dripping with condescension, "Well, you don't know happiness until you've had a baby."

And I can confirm that I've gotten that *exact* same line in the past.

Sometimes, it is exactly that - people are saying you're unfulfilled without kids. It's not just interpretation. I don't know if the moms that say that kind of crap are just miserable and looking for company for their misery, or if somehow seeing someone without kids makes them feel threatened, or what, but it *does* happen, and it really is annoying as hell.

I'm truly thrilled for those who are fulfilled by motherhood. Really. Just because it's great for you does *not* mean it'd be great for me, though. (generic you, there; I know nobody on here's going to tell me I can't be fulfilled without children of my own). I thought the article was dead-on, if maybe a bit...vent-y.

[PrincessFiona]

My bottom line on all of this is that we're all different and we should all try and respect each other's wishes as much as possible...and we should try not to interpret everything everyone says. It's just impossible to know everyone's hot button issues and so sometimes people might say the wrong thing.....

Sometimes I am a belly rubber (not to strangers and not under clothing, of course) but I'm also the person who would hold your hair back when you're vomiting, wipe away your tears if you cry and clean your house from top to bottom if you're struggling...It is all part of the package deal though, I guess. It's a nurturing thing from where I sit...and because I know that belly rubbing bothers certain people, I'd avoid it at all costs....

[rainbabies]

awww....kris, will you come over then next time im sick. so sweet.

[peggyfromwastate]

the nerve of some people!

By Carrie Friedman
First, please stop asking me when I'm going to get pregnant.

Next, don't completely abandon your own life and passions. You're setting a bad example for aspiring mothers-to-be like me.


Now let's talk a bit about manners, as in please teach your children some.


Finally, don't make your kid an extension of your own narcissism.


Friedman lives in Los Angeles.

First, I agree. Don't pester people about becoming pg. If they ask advise, go for it. I think people figure out when (and If) to have kids on their own.

Second, I don't agree with the abandoning life stuff. Having kids changes focus, no doubt, but life is long (and short), and so if the career/education/aspirations change having kids, that's not bad. That's just change, and that's just life. My DH would have been a diff doc if he didn't have kids- would have gone into an even more time-consuming area. That's his choice, and I don't think he's "given up" anything. Besides, who knows the good that can come from producing balanced kids for the future of society...

Third point, absolutely agree. I mean we need some discipline going on here! If my kid punched an adult... Wow. My kids would not punch an adult.

Fourth point, kids don't always belong. THat's true. And if all you have to talk about are your kids, then you may be a bit over-involved. I really don't think most parents have this problem, though. The only time I drag my kids around is when there is family involved, and then we're "expected" to be there, etc. But when meltdowns happen, we just go away. And leave the kids at the party. (Just kidding.) (Unless it's with my mom, then it's OK). (Just kidding).

[peggyfromwastate]

Heck...I wonder what she would have said if she had been at Lake Itasca last weekend. We were the poster family for birth control..I consider it a public service.

kris

This is exactly how I feel whenever I travel, solo, with all my angels. The 5 of us make a beautiful picture, and get lots of hostile stares. It is just my public service. Maybe we all get a little out of control with 12 hours of airplane travel, security, etc.

Just doing my part to dispell the glory and romanticism of a "large family".

But when meltdowns happen, we just go away. And leave the kids at the party. (Just kidding.)

[DCJenn]

Well, remember too, most of you who have more than say, two- by default probably started having kids at a younger age.

I swear- once you hit 30, if you haven't had a child yet (I was SINGLE!!) there's a subculture of people (usually women but I've had the same issue with men- other than the touching which become a whole different set of societal norms...) who want you to get married and have that baby just because 'what if' you can't. or you wait too long, or blah, blah, blah. Like it becomes their mission in life to make sure you have a child. Pregnancy is so beautiful. Childbirth is such a _____ moment. Oh the moment you see that baby for the first time...

I've seen pregnant people. It's not always pretty. Childbirth looks like it hurts. and when I saw my baby for the first time I thought he looked like Leonid Brezhnev.

Seriously, lily is dead on- it's astonishing in how forceful people get about it. My MIL and FIL were the worst. My friend from high school and her husband gave themselves a vasectomy for their 5th anniversary and she said that everyone BUT the doctor gave them a hard time about it- saying that they'd regret the decision, etc. 18 years later, they're still happily married and I've never met two people more satisified with their decision to not have kids. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

and to be honest, seriously, listening to people blather on about their kids is the quickest way to get me to zone out. I have relatives who do this. Bo-ring.

It's like being stuck at a table with a bunch of doctors who do nothing but talk shop.

Jenn

I have no trouble believing that people do go on like that. And I agree that it's rude and super-intrusive. If it comes up that someone is trying to decide whether or not to have kids, I usually chime in with "good for you. waiting until you're sure that's what you want is so smart. don't let anyone try to bully you one way or another." Because I truly believe that parenting is hard enough w/o being in the situation b/c it was "expected".

Like I said before, I think the woman was overly catty and judgemental of us breeders ... but if she really knows people who place their hands under her shirt uninvited, then it was probably justified.

If my kid punched an adult ... whoa.

[PrincessFiona]

Jenn,

I think you may be right that because some of us started earlier we haven't experienced that same pressure to reproduce.....of course, we got the "you're too young" speeches or the "don't you know how to prevent that" speeches.

In that context, I do think it is rude. In the context of talking about parenting/children at playgroup or at a play area I don't think it's rude to ask someone if they feel like they're done....even if I don't know them terribly well. But...I would only do it if it seemed like it was a natural part of the conversation.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

- other than the touching which become a whole different set of societal norms...)

I'm not sure what the implication is. I don't run around and grab everyone's pregnant belly, but I don't think there is something unnatural about being drawn to someone's pregnant tummy.....when I see someone pregnant, it puts a smile on my face....if I see the *bump*, I think "that's a baby"...It is exciting to me for them....and if it is someone that I know, I might ask them how they are feeling and there are times that I might pat their tummy when I ask them....

I don't do it often, don't do it to everyone that I know and... I think the implication that it is some sort of violation of a societal norm is wrong.

It seems like there is a lot of underlying judgment flying around here....

I would actually be afraid to have you guys meet my family. It would be my luck that my tweens would be fighting and my 3 year old would be having a meltdown.....

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Slightly tangential...

I have a coworker who is pregnant with her second child and she happens to be one of those people who doesn't care to be touched, patted, etc. on her belly. She admits lots of people like it but she doesn't care for it. Anyway, she's super outgoing (I would almost say brash) and today at lunch she told us her reaction to someone touching her belly at the grocery store last week.

This woman walked straight up to her from about 50 yards away and put her hand on her belly without even saying hi, introducing herself, or looking my coworker in the eye. My coworker waited 5 seconds and then without a word, reached out and grabbed the woman's breast. The woman jumped back, shocked, and said, "What are you doing??"" And my coworker smiled and said, "Oh, I thought we were having an inapproproate touching contest, I win!!" and walked away. Apparently she got this idea from a pregnancy blog or something.

Not exactly my style but completely brillant if you're willing to grab other people.

[PrincessFiona]

It's funny that there are some people who photograph their naked pregnant tummies or make molds of them....and others who feel that they are quite a private thing...

I wanted to make a mold of my pregnant belly but never got around to it. I still didn't like *strangers* to touch it!

[PrincessFiona]

I *think* Jenn meant reaching up under someone's shirt. I think pregnant belly touching is pretty common and benign. Don't sweat it, Kris.

:> I have NO issues This is what I hear Jenn saying "kris is abnormal"