Telling your kids about your past

[DrWahoo]

Ex-tokers wrestle with telling kids not to smoke
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20414236...5773?GT1=10316
This is an article about telling your kids if you smoked weed in the past. This is an interesting issue, that I will unfortunately have to deal with. Personally I have some reservations about bringing up dark stuff from the past, but I guess it depends on how you tell the kiddies. My youth ministers used to tell us stuff about their past and we were all like since you guys did it and turned out all right how come we can't experiment. Some studies suggest that one in four people can turn out to be addicts and my family has addiction issues. With these kinds of odds and history I am not sure I want my kids experimenting with anything. Another concern is that my family also has a lot of mental illness problems and I personally believe that my mental illness may have been triggered by using marijuana. I mean the brain's chemistry can be so delicate. Anyway I have rambled on what do you guys think ?

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

I'm probably the last person in my age-range in the US (aside from my DH) who can say this, but I never even tried pot. So I don't have any issues about telling my DS. (Other than maybe to cover up my embarassment that I seemed to have missed a fairly universal part of being a teenager.) But the people I knew who smoked were really those stereotypical potheads. Nothing about it appealed to me.

That being said, we've ALL got ghosts, in one form or another. I think the fact that you made mistakes does not make you a hypocrit for laying down rules to help your child avoid those same mistakes.

(For example, no daughter of mine will EVER go out with a boy I have not PERSONALLY met...she may NOT date boys significantly senior, and NO "ADULT-FREE" parties, period!!)

[Flynn]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

I'm probably the last person in my age-range in the US (aside from my DH) who can say this, but I never even tried pot. So I don't have any issues about telling my DS. (Other than maybe to cover up my embarassment that I seemed to have missed a fairly universal part of being a teenager.) But the people I knew who smoked were really those stereotypical potheads. Nothing about it appealed to me.

What she said.

I'm in the "your kids don't need to know all your mistakes" BUT you can talk about it without giving them a list of "if I had to do it all over again, I would not do: A,B,C etc."

[madeintaiwan]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

This is something that we have discussed because like Abigail I have never done a recreational drug in my life but DH has done somethings (nothing too serious, like crack or herion or even acid, but he did his far share of partying). DH telling the kids about his past makes me nervous because DH did these things while going to a very academic private school at which he excelled in school and football (he had a 4.5 GPA, started college with 45 units and was inducted in the college football hall of fame as a senior in HS). Most of my friends who did drugs were your typical "pothead/stoner." DH obviously was not. I also feared the wrath of my mother so I never dared to try it. DH does have family members who have addiction problems so that can work in our favor. Evidence that you just never know, so why even try it. We're pretty honest with our kids so I am sure that it will come up at some point.

[houseelf]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

I'm in the "your kids don't need to know all your mistakes" BUT you can talk about it without giving them a list of "if I had to do it all over again, I would not do: A,B,C etc."

What Flynn said. I do think that you have to be honest with your kids, but I also don't think that they have to know everything. IMHO, I'm more scared of my kids drinking and driving than toking weed once or twice as an experiment....NOT THAT I WOULD SAY THIS TO THEM because they would take this as condoning pot. I do have some more...ah...texture in my background than the other posters here. My husband is the squeaky clean parent in our situation. I will not disclose unless I feel it is relevant to talk about peer pressure, the desire to go out and try life, or if they ask me point black. With this being said, I will let them know that I am damn lucky that I wasn't killed, raped, or the victim of some other malady. I will tell them about my friends who weren't so lucky. I will probably be one of those freaky moms that makes her kids read every newspaper article about drinking and driving and date rape and accidental drug overdoses.

Kelly

Re: Telling your kids about your past

I also feared the wrath of my mother so I never dared to try it.

I never did either. And for the same reason. I hung out with all the druggies, but I've never tried a thing besides liquor (and waited for that 'til I was 18). BUT ... I did have sex way too young, and with more people than I care to think about, and I do worry about what to tell them.

Oddly enough, I'm more concerned about how we'll deal with the fact that I didn't go to college, and/or try in school. I haven't had a particularly bad outcome b/c of it (knock on wood), and no one would consider me to be a "typical" uneducated woman -- but I struggle with how I'm going to tell the kids they have to do it even though I didn't.

[DrWahoo]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

Wow glad to see this post warm up. I thought I started a dud. I guess the complicated thing is that my sisters might tell on me. Although I think the younger two think I am a bore and know very little about my escapades. I wasn't very wild for a long period of time. I was married at 19, so my charades never became a lifestyle. Time will only tell.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

Wow glad to see this post warm up. I thought I started a dud.

Not a dud...a difficult one, if you want to answer turthfully and thoughtfully, I think. I read this one several times before I came back to post.

[madeintaiwan]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

I also feared the wrath of my mother so I never dared to try it.

I never did either. And for the same reason. I hung out with all the druggies, but I've never tried a thing besides liquor (and waited for that 'til I was 18). BUT ... I did have sex way too young, and with more people than I care to think about, and I do worry about what to tell them.

Oddly enough, I'm more concerned about how we'll deal with the fact that I didn't go to college, and/or try in school. I haven't had a particularly bad outcome b/c of it (knock on wood), and no one would consider me to be a "typical" uneducated woman -- but I struggle with how I'm going to tell the kids they have to do it even though I didn't.

I think that both will be ok. I think that, "educated" or not, all parents can do is try to instill the desire and "importance" of obtaining knowledge in their kids and hope that they will carry that out. I hope that my kids will love learning and have a desire/hunger for knowledge that drives them to want to go to college but if they don't, I'll be disappointed but it won't be the end of the world. In that case, I would hope that they would find another way to make themselves usefull to themselves and others in their life.

And regarding sex, I'm the hooker of the family, but I plan on telling our kids that I hope that they will wait because sex just complicates things and give them examples. I hope that they will be so focused in school or a sport that it won't even be an issue for them (this was true for a few of my younger cousins).

[DCJenn]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

Oh Lord- If I had to tell him the things that Rick and I have done, he'd be scarred for life.

I was smart enough to realize that I was enough of the addictions risk that I never did anything more than pot and booze and the occasional speed pill. (which I hated. Hyper people need not be more hyper). I also smoked cigarettes for a VERY long time. Rick never smoked (cigarettes, but he did smoke pot a few times. He did drink though.

I also had sex way too young and w/ so many people that the fact that the only apparent issue was an undiagnosed PID makes me also very lucky. and my beloved thanks his lucky stars that he escaped w/out being a father by 18 like the rest of the high school.

I never drove drunk and I never allowed myself to be driven drunk though and that's the message I want him to have. Why? Because my mom told me that she didn't care what time it was, where I was or who I was with, I was to call her no questions asked. You need not fear me if you think you're at risk for killing yourself or allowing someone to careen you into a tree.

and in all seriousness? the worst things I did were closer to home. Like drinking Boones' Farm Strawberry Hill in 9th grade in the park between my house and my friend Leslie's house.

When we went to DC we were on our best behavior for the most part. (at least the designated driver and her navigator were.) (None of us wanted to deal w/ not being allowed to go and we had all seen nasty late night accidents on the drive back to the 'burbs. [This was before Metro])

He'll know that we made stupid decisions and hopefully we'll be open enough that he'll trust us but not so open that he'll want to emulate us.

Jenn

PS-in in our defense though, the early 1980s were much different in terms of sex/drugs/rocknroll. AIDS was still a gay mans disease in San Franciso, the drinking age was 18 and half the drugs out there today weren't even invented yet.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

This is an interesting topic that DH and I will have to thoroughly discuss before we approach it with our children. He was lilly white in high school, had a few drinks at a friends house but never did anything illegal. I on the other hand drank a lot at my small town parties almost every weekend, just because that is what everyone did (yes, I was a follower socially). I never did any drugs though, though I did drive home more then once when I had no business being behind the wheel, we were VERY lucky to have never lost anyone in our high school. I also had partners before DH some of which I'm not proud of. So there are some things I think my kids could learn from but there are also things I don't think he/she needs to know. Interesting topic...

[Meenah]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

DH and I both did (pot) and all of our kids know, but we didn't tell them until they were older. I haven't even seen pot since before I had my kids (him either).

I have to say I liked it!!!!!!

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

No pot or other drugs. I also knew lots of potheads and watched them change from really interesting and engaged people to... potheads. It was very sad.

My friends all got into it, but when they got into pot I was away in Mexico getting into all other sorts of trouble. DH was scared of his dad, so he didn't do any pot. His dad (probably he was a user or something) would've seriously hurt DH (or DHs mom) if pot became an issue. So it wasn't .

I did drink quite a bit, though, and I smoked for about 2 years, escalating to where I was smoking about 1 pack per day vs "rectreational weekend smoking."

I don't plan to give my kids big details of all the wrong things I did, but I plan to tell the kids lots of real life examples of friends I have who did get into drugs and smoking, drinking and really had trouble with other aspects of life because of it. We have been talking about smoking and drugs (in very physiological terms) with Kate starting from when she was about 6. But sharing all the details of things I have experienced with I doubt would help her- I think it would encourage her to "try" it out. I remember my mom telling us how she rebelled against her ultra-conservative Christian college powers that be by smoking a cigar while sitting up in a tree outside of the required chapel. So of course, all the admins and everyone saw her. I guess that stuck with me not because she was making a social statement about the rules and regs there, but becuase she was smoking. So I thought she wouldn't get too mad at me for that one.

[alison]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

DH and I both did (pot) and all of our kids know, but we didn't tell them until they were older. I haven't even seen pot since before I had my kids (him either).

I have to say I liked it!!!!!!

My parents did the same with my brother and me. It wasn't that they wanted to give us a lesson on what not to do - I think it just came up in a random conversation. This was Seattle in the 60s and early 70s. I don't think my parents were the exception!

[Gwendolyn]

Re: Telling your kids about your past

We didn't get into too much trouble either. We both ahd partners before eachother and I had my share of college drinking. We both tried pot, but left it at experimenting (I hate feeling thirsty). I don't know that I will tell my kids about it until they are older...college age...because I look back on all of it fondly. Not everything was safe or good, but I don't really have any regrets about it and would not really be upset with my kids if they had a similar experience.

Having said that...It was a young phase that I easily moved out of as I matured and I never experienced a horrible event as a result...i.e. std, assualt, car accident, etc.

I will make sure that I stress safe choices. Always have a way home that is safe, use protection, don't do drugs...hopefully that, along with a strong sense of who they are will keep them in the relm of curiosity with bounderies...

Who knows. My oldest is only four