Happy?

[poky]

Interesting article.

I would consider myself pretty happy/satisfied, overall.

I credit this to a general optimism that tends to win out in the end over occasional bouts of depression, and the fact that I'm not a very ambitious person, don't have kids, and while our parents are aging, they're not to the point of needing to be taken care of (yet).

I think I'd be miserable if I didn't really have any options besides having kids, and maybe a teaching or nursing career, just because I'm female...but then again, maybe not, because if I'd been raised in that kind of environment, I wouldn't know any different, right?

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Happy?

I think the article may have a real point on one level.

I know for my mom, expectations were a lot less demanding. She was not expected to have a full-time career, a happy home, and lots of kids. So she didn't have an outside standard of success being imposed on her that suggested that she was not living to her full potential by not accomplishing all of these things all the time.

I know for me, a lot of feeling at peace and happy about my life required an enormous amount of "letting go"--letting go of the mantra I'd heard my whole life that "women CAN have it all!"; letting go of the idea that a marriage has to be 50-50 in terms of sacrifice or you're just being stepped on; letting go of the looks of disapproval I get from my law school friends when they find out that I jumped off the hard-core career track; letting go of the idea that I am selling myself short by not being everything to everyone all the time.

My faith has given me a lot to lean on in this process. God is a comfort when I have those tight-in-the-chest, where-is-my-life-going, I'm-such-a-nobody moments. Feeling a sense of worth and **purpose** from a source that is outside other people's opinions puts things in perspective and helps me focus on what is really valuable, even if it isn't personally glorifying or even particularly understandable from a "societal expectations" standard. It's pretty liberating, actually.

[Flynn]

Re: Happy?

They did a "thing" on this article in the national news. I was cooking and only partially listening but the topic peaked my interest.

I always found it interesting in school when we had to talk about our parent's education and my dad's MBA always was something that impressed people while my mom's double masters in Education (emphasis on Literacy) and Child Psychology was always met with a "good for her." Not ALL adults acted this way but almost half did.


I was taught that you can't have it all and this message was by my parents from a young age. You can carve a life out that is incredibly fulfilling, but some careers were NOT condusive to having a family. For some reason, having a family was important to me ...eventually so I made choices in life so I could be present in my future children's lives.

While surgical residency sucked more than I EVER could have imagined, I never HAD to work while DH was in training. This was a HUGE gift to us. I could choose to work, or not depending on what was best for both ME and our kids. The pressure was off so to speak.

I see some of my friends who are COMPLETELY conflicted with being a working mom. The guilt sucks the life out of them weekly. It's sad. I also see mom's who think "staying home is the right thing" but are suffering with isolation BIG TIME. They aren't enjoying it and feel horrible that they feel this way.

For some reason I have never suffered from low self-esteem. I make my choices and move on. I've never felt "less than" because I stay home or was "just a teacher" prior to having kids.

In my experience, the people who are MOST threatened by my attitudes are high powered working moms.

Nobody can be everything to everybody. To me this is pretty obvious but I've never been all that influenced by what other people think of me. To me it's a matter of priorities.

It doesn't surprise me a bit that women as a whole are less happy than they used to be. We have more choices than ever and yet the unrealistic "you can have it all" message is alive and well. :huh:

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Happy?

In my experience, the people who are MOST threatened by my attitudes are high powered working moms.

That's an interesting observation. Based only on my personal experience, I would agree. I feel WAY more judged for jumping off the partner-track life by my super-professionally-accomplished, well-published, publicly-acclaimed-and-admired women who are childless or have full-time (as in, 'round the clock) nanny staff, than I do by women who have made decisions that allow them not to be so intensely focused on their careers (either they are SAHMs or have chosen a mommy-track or otherwise less prestigious career path). I am seen as a waste of education and talent (? whatever of that I have), and am a walking affront to women's liberation.

Not to put too fine a Keanu Reeves-inspired point on it, but, seriously: Dude, whatever! Why are you so uncomfortable with the fact that I am not you?

Don't get me wrong: there are definitely some opinionated, bitchy, condescending, judgmental, holier-than-thou SAHMs who have no problem telling me I am self-centered and depriving my child by WOTH. (I don't go to their playgroups. Too bitchy.) But, personally, I've gotten more overt static from the other end of the spectrum.

Either way, though: if someone is willing to judge me for my choices regarding how I conduct my life and raise my child, it most often has NOTHING really to do with me, and everything to do with that other person. That person usually has some deep-seeded issue themselves and I am just a strawman.

[Flynn]

Re: Happy?

Either way, though: if someone is willing to judge me for my choices regarding how I conduct my life and raise my child, it most often has NOTHING really to do with me, and everything to do with that other person. That person usually has some deep-seeded issue themselves and I am just a strawman.

This is SO TRUE.

At first I didn't understand why women I barely know would criticize me for staying home. Usually these ideas were couched in a back handed compliment "you have so much to offer, WHY are you depriving society and yourself from contributing more?" "Wouldn't you feel better about YOU if you used your talents?"

Now I understand this is what they say to themselves when their guilt gets the better of them.

Being a SAHM is the best choice for ME. I would never say it's the best choice for everyone.

Re: Happy?

Yes, I am "happy." I agree with Annie that happy is relative and sort of a loose term to cover a lot. I can have a day where I am ok or satisified but not necessarily happy -- I think is fine. My mom was not. My two cents is that had more to do with her not feeling appreciated or honored than work outside the home options.

I have worked full-time, part-time, and been SAHM with kids. It never fails that in each of these three work options, I have had someone doing the same "confide" in me as to the superiority of their decision. As GMW said, "whatever dude". Though I might sometimes add an extra two words in there.

I think it is great that women have the options they do. The problem lies with balance and I don't think it is a problem that should concern only women but families and both parents. There are lots of combinations to make things work. It really bugs me when people are making judgements about any of the above (you wasted your education, you don't stay home -- you must not love your kids).

[DCJenn]

Re: Happy?

I'm happy. (I'm much happier this week...)

I love what I do but I could walk away tomorrow and find something else equally interesting. It's just the field. There's plenty of wackos in this world who need help.

and I did the SAHM gig and it was definitely not a good fit for me. So- I did what works for our family. I work 30 hours a week now.

My mother left a great job when she had me because that's what was 'done' in 1966. Was she 'happy'? I think so. Would she have been 'happier' had she continued to work? I don't know and no one ever will.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Happy?

I consider myself to be happy for the most part and we all know that is because I HATE my job but for financial reasons it would just be silly for me to leave before this baby makes an appearance.

Job aside I am happy with my life, DH and I are VERY lucky to live in a town that has everything we truly need as well as one of the best programs for him in the country not just b/c they follow the rules and treat their residents like people but because it really is one of the best in his field. We are close enough to family yet far enough away and in a few months we hope to be welcoming a healthy little girl into our family.

I'm sure I'll struggle with the isolation that comes with being a SAHM but I'm thrilled to have that choice and to be able to experience it and make my own decision about it.

I agree with Abigail that the woman who don't understand why I would stay home have their own issues. Anyone who questions how someone else lives their life has their own issues. We are all different and we all have our definitions of happy.

Now are men happier? Maybe and the #1 reason I beleive is because they aren't as "catty." Yes they may be jealous of someone else's wife or job but most men would only work harder to bring that to themselves rather then get all pissy about it. There are of course exceptions.

[houseelf]

Re: Happy?

This article conjures up references to Confuscius for me. Happiness is a journey within, not an acquisition of external things. We all have to find our own peace.

ITA that so much of what you all are talking about (i.e. opinions regarding SAHM/WOHM) reflects more about the speaker than the recipient. If we women could just get over ourselves, we'd rule the world.

Kelly

[alison]

Re: Happy?

Women can be so hard on each other. I don't get it.

I have avoided this thread, because things are a bit rough right now. In the big picture: yes, I'm happy. I'm healthy, our families are healthy, dh matched in Chicago and I didn't have to uproot, etc. etc. It's the everyday crapola that wears me out, but would I change anything at this point? Nope.