Marry Him!

[Ravenclaw]

My friend just emailed me this article. Pretty controversial. What do you all think?

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

[Ravenclaw]

Re: Marry Him!

So, my take on it is, I kind of agree with her but I don't know if I'd call it settling. I think our media makes us feel like our relationships and marriages need to play out like a romantic movie all the time and if it doesn't, there must be something wrong - he/she is not your soul mate, so on to the next person if you're dating, or divorce, if you're married. There is no perfect person in the world; you can always find something wrong with the person you're with. You just have to weigh the good and the bad and see if you can deal with it. But I think there is the message out there that there is someone who is absolutely perfect out there for you and it will be happily every after you find him/her.

[poky]

Re: Marry Him!

She's got some points, I guess...but the entire piece is predicated on the assumption that of course *all* women want kids. Which is false. It also felt very NY-centric, to me, though I can't put my finger on exactly why.

[HouseofWool]

Re: Marry Him!

I only got through the first page before it got a bit too tedious and repetative...

But, I do agree that "settling" is a good thing. The romantic love portrayed by the media doesn't exist (in my experience). Marriage is damn hard work and honestly, if I were married to someone who had beauty, brains and ambition I'd be worried all the time that I wasn't good enough. (Love my man to death - but he is oh so very normal, except the brains thing, scary smart)

My SIL is 36 now and wants a man who will treat her like a queen, has a high profile career and is GQ handsome. I have told her multiple times - you will be doing great if you get 2 out of 3.

I really like this essayfrom NPR's This I Believe. It has the same general message. This is one of the few that I keep on my iPod for those days when I want to toss in the towel.

http://thisibelieve.org/dsp_ShowEssa...yval=0&start=0

[Flynn]

Re: Marry Him!

Not all women want kids. Very true. I would argue that most women would like to have the "soul mate" thing before they are 40.

Assuming you DO want to have kids, I think she has some interesting points. I am one who believes you just CANNOT have it all. Nope. Something has got to give no matter how brilliant, beautiful, talented and wonderful you are.

I also don't think the ideas in the quote below is stressed enough when looking for a spouse.

It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.

What you look for in a date/boyfriend/lover isn't necessarily what you SHOULD look for in a spouse or life partner. How do you know someone will be a good husband? There are OCEANS betweeen the title boyfriend and husband.

I disagree with the following quote 100%. I know many people who agree with it, just not me. I'd much rather be ALONE literally than alone in a so called partnership.

They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.

The article is interesting but I don't buy it all. I'll have to chew on it more...

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Marry Him!

Soul mates aren't pre-destined. They are created, built by hard work and commitment to the relationship. Despite the eros-love inspired fiction of a relationship that superhumanly transcends the participants' weakness and the hardships of life, a real soul mate relationship is marked by choice, commitment, and fortitude in the face of challenge. The question isn't whether you should wait for your Mr. Perfect. The question is, Is this the person someone for whom I am willing to make the kind of sacrifices necessary to establish and build that soul mate relationship? And is s/he willing to do that for me?

A deep romantic love and shared values and priorities helps make this commitment much easier to follow-through with. But those things are only the beginning. Your soul mate isn't the person who makes you romantically and spiritually complete; it's the person for whom you are willing to sacrifice. It's about giving up, not getting more--even though, in the end, by giving up, you do get more.

[poky]

Re: Marry Him!

Not all women want kids. Very true. I would argue that most women would like to have the "soul mate" thing before they are 40.

Possibly...but every single reason she gave for wanting a partner had to do with kids, in the end. I agree that there are probably a lot of "happy without kids" who DO want a partner, but I'm sure there are plenty who don't, and it makes sense to me that there's a lot less reason to "settle" if biology (need someone before it's too late to have kids) or exhaustion (need someone to help me take care of the kids I already have) aren't driving forces. :huh:

I completely agree with everything else you said, though; she did have some interesting points, but there was a lot of garbage in there. The assertion on the first page that you're either lying or in denial if you're female, heterosexual, 30, unmarried and not in a panic about it, for instance.

[Flynn]

Re: Marry Him!

Soul mates aren't pre-destined. They are created, built by hard work and commitment to the relationship. Despite the eros-love inspired fiction of a relationship that superhumanly transcends the participants' weakness and the hardships of life, a real soul mate relationship is marked by choice, commitment, and fortitude in the face of challenge. The question isn't whether you should wait for your Mr. Perfect. The question is, Is this the person someone for whom I am willing to make the kind of sacrifices necessary to establish and build that soul mate relationship? And is s/he willing to do that for me?

A deep romantic love and shared values and priorities helps make this commitment much easier to follow-through with. But those things are only the beginning. Your soul mate isn't the person who makes you romantically and spiritually complete; it's the person for whom you are willing to sacrifice. It's about giving up, not getting more--even though, in the end, by giving up, you do get more.

Wow Abigail. Will you marry me?

In all seriousness...I LOVE what you wrote. It's so true. I could never had said it this well.

Bravo.

[Rapunzel]

Re: Marry Him!

Oh, good grief, Abigail - you are amazing. Seriously, that is one of the best quotes I've read on here in a loooong time.

I would also say:

I think it's interesting so many men and women have these sky-high ideals they want in a mate and anything else is "settling". The reality is that these same men and women with the desire for movie star looks, high-powered (and high paying) careers, perfectlly charming personality in a potential spouse aren't exactly meeting those qualifications themselves!

[DCJenn]

Re: Marry Him!

I think I'm going to copy that and send it to my cousin who is looking for what to say in her vows.

Jenn

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Marry Him!

Very humbled. Apparently, I wrote something reasonably intelligent today. You wouldn't know it from the draft orders I've been floundering through...

[Meenah]

Re: Marry Him!

Abigail, that is soooooooooooooooooo true. I could never have said that so eloquently. I'm sending it to my daughters!

[Vishenka69]

Re: Marry Him!

I don't agree with everything but I do think she has a point that it's a lot harder meet The One later in life. Not that it's not doable, just harder. People in their 40s (men and women alike) are a lot of more settled in their ways and less willing to compromise. And as Abigail so eloquently put, marriage is ultimately about compromising and sacrificing. It also all depends on how you define settling. Was marrying a poor med school student with lots of loans settling? Should I have waited for a full fledged doctor preferably with a trust fund who doesn't snore or collect his toenails on the edge of a coffee table?

[DrWahoo]

Re: Marry Him!

I just posted that quote on my facebook account Abigail.