Someone elses daughter asking you for contraceptives

not condoms but asking you to take them to planned parenthood for birth control. let's say this girl is 13. how would you handle this situation? what if she begged you not to tell her parents?

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[MDPhDWife]

Depending on how close of a relationship I have with the child and/or parents, more than likely I would take her to the planned parenthood. I know a lot of people here will disagree with me, but I really feel that this girls health needs to be protected. If it were my daughter, I would hope she would come to me, but I realize this isn't always the case in reality and I would hope if she didn't come to me that she would ask an adult she trusts.

[Ladybug]

13 is possibly statutory rape (depending on the age difference of the partner and the state) and must be reported by planned parenthood (although they usually don't). I'm sure her parents would have some kind of legal recourse if they found out you knew about possible statutory rape, didn't report it and enabled the relationship to continue.

[Chrisada]

Thirteen. No way. And I would be beyond pissed if someone else took my 13-year-old to Planned Parenthood. I think her parents need to know.

I also agree with Ladybug about the statutory rape issue.

[MrsK]

I'm going to sound really prude here but 13 seems shockingly young to me. I doubt that a 13 year old would use contraceptives reliably, not to mention have the maturity to handle all the consequences, responsiblities, and emotions that come along with an intimate relationship. If you are close enough with the girl that she trusts you to take her to planned parenthood, I'd probably try to have a heart-to-heart with her about what she's doing or thinking of doing and why. I wouldn't lecture (though I'd probably have an obvious interest in discouraging the relationship) but it seems to me that she may be at a crossroads and needs some adult direction.

[GrayMatterWife]

A thirteen year-old girl (a CHILD) is asking you to drive her to PP to obtain BC pills?

Here are the problems with doing this (setting aside how pissed off her parents would be at you):

1. This is a medication--not condoms or a diaphram. With certain medical conditions (or if she takes up smoking), BC can interact and cause all sorts of complications, including blood clots and strokes. If she's ever at the doc or ER with her parents, she won't be forthcoming with the treating physician--and that could cause interaction issues. You do not want to be responsible for the possible complications of a minor taking a medication unknown to her parents (her parents--the ONLY people who can effect legal medical consent on her behalf for all procedures except certain reproductive procedures).

2. If she wants on the pill, she probably is planning on using this as her form of birth control. It would encourage her to feel free not to practice safe sex (safe sex is not pregnancy prevention--it is disease prevention). Could you live with yourself if she ended up not getting pregnant but getting an STD?

3. She does not sound mature enough to be having sex. She has to hide her decision from her "uncool" parents? If she can't deal with her own decision and take ownership of it, she shouldn't be doing it.

4. What if she is being coerced? Or what if she is deciding to have sex simply for a poor reason? Thirteen is not sixteen (not that sixteen is all that removed from coercion). But, come on--what thirteen year old is really mature enough to "own" her reproductive choices outside the paradigm of peer pressure.

5. You could end up in a world of legal trouble. You KNEW that a girl under the age of consent was going to have sex and you helped her do this? From a legal point of view, you are assisting her in her victimization and sexual exploitation. It doesn't matter that it's just "two stupid kids"--if it's statutory rape, you really don't want to be remote connected to that. I don't know what it takes to make a charge of corrupting the morals of a minor and facitiliating the rape of a child or statutory rape, but I sure wouldn't want to get dragged into that.

You're probably worried: if I don't help her get BC pills, she'll just have sex without any form of birth control (maybe her boyfriend insists on "bareback" or something)? You're worried how an unplanned pregnancy would affect her life and her health. Those are legitimate concerns. But you CAN'T encourage her to have "protected" sex because of her age. If she were sixteen or seventeen, it would be different. But at thirteen, you can't counsel her to participate in a crime. Helping her act "more responsibly" when she's making an irresponsible and illegal decision is not really helping her.

I would talk with the parents. She will hate you. The parents might hate you (or be really grateful). She will feel completely betrayed. She will never turn to you again. And, twenty years from now, she will thank you. Because she will understand that you were taking care of her and being the grown-up.

The only reason not to do this, I would think, would be if you suspect physical abuse by the parents and are concerned that talking them could result in harm to the child.

Good luck. What a horrible position to be in. I hope you can be a real friend to her. It sounds like she needs it...badly.

[MarissaNicole]

13!!!! That seems sooo young to me! I would definitely talk to her... find out why, is she with a serious boyfriend? Then after talking to her I think I would reevaluate the situation as to whether or not to tell her parents (I think I would try and encourage her to talk with one of them).

But I can tell you there is NO WAY I would ever take her to get birth control at 13!

What is your relationship with the girl and with the parents?

[Sheherezade]

I'd talk her down from the idea of having sex. Honestly, at 13 she's got to be ambivalent. I would try to use the relationship to give her sound advice about waiting, problems with being sexual active when this young, and what to do if the boyfriend is pressuring her. I don't know if I'd call her parents; I probably would if I knew them well enough and I knew that they'd react as well as can be expected.

I would not take her to get contraceptives.

[Meenah]

Did you know that if a minor comes to me with an STD or requesting any family planning services I can legally treat her without parental consent. If she comes to me with an ear infection I cannot legally treat her without parental consent. I don't know about other states, but that is the law in NJ.

If they cannot get treatment from their primary care they can go to any Title X Family Planning clinic.
www.aclu-nj.org/downloads/NewJersey.pdf

Is this hypothetical or a situation you find yourself in?

[rainbabies]

Dude....I didn't even know what sex *was* when I was 13.

Wowzer. No way would I help. And Luanne...that's crazy.

[Meenah]

I would not want to be in that position, that would really suck. I am so glad we are an adult practice!!!!!

[GrayMatterWife]

I would not want to be in that position, that would really suck. I am so glad we are an adult practice!!!!!

That must be SO hard. I could not imagine being a nurse who specializes in pediatric gynecology. Could you IMAGINE the stuff they deal with and the conflicted feelings they must have, as medical practitioners who are also mothers and sisters and daughters themselves? God's work...

[McPants]

not condoms but asking you to take them to planned parenthood for birth control. let's say this girl is 13. how would you handle this situation? what if she begged you not to tell her parents?

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I probably wouldn't take her to planned parenthood because I would consider it meddling in other people's business, however there is no way in the world that I would tell the parents if she begged me not to. If it were my kid, I hope she'd be comfortable enough to ask me to take her there myself (which I would do in case it turns out that her mind was made up on the issue). Growing up in Sweden, I knew lots of girls whose mothers took them to get the pill once they reached puberty as a preventative measure. 13 is below the age of consent in Sweden, however it certainly isn't uncommon for kids that age to have sex. Teen pregnancies still remain exceedingly rare in the country.

5. You could end up in a world of legal trouble. You KNEW that a girl under the age of consent was going to have sex and you helped her do this? From a legal point of view, you are assisting her in her victimization and sexual exploitation. It doesn't matter that it's just "two stupid kids"--if it's statutory rape, you really don't want to be remote connected to that. I don't know what it takes to make a charge of corrupting the morals of a minor and facitiliating the rape of a child or statutory rape, but I sure wouldn't want to get dragged into that.

Although I'm certainly not questioning the validity of the advice, this scenario sounds completely insane from the foreigner perspective.

[Rapunzel]

Thirteen. No way. And I would be beyond pissed if someone else took my 13-year-old to Planned Parenthood. I think her parents need to know.

I also agree with Ladybug about the statutory rape issue.

Yeah, I'm agreeing with this.

I HAVE a child who is about to turn 13. And, they are NO WHERE near the emotionally maturity level needed to have sexual relationships. That kid needs some serious intervention if she's asking for BC at that age (13).

BEFORE I talked to the parents, however, I'd make sure that it wasn't one of them or a stepparent that was sexually abusing the child. And, I wouldn't tell the parents anyway - I'd convince the 13 year old that she needs to talk to them about it and then I'd make sure she did (by physically being nearby when she did so and talking to them afterwards about what happened on MY end).

So, I'd:

1)Rule out possible sexual abuse by an adult or older teen (including parents and relatives)
2)Talk to her about telling her parents what is going on (if she thought they would be angry or abusive towards her in response then it would be best for me to gauge whether I should talk to the parents first to try to pre-empt the anger OR if there was potential abuse I'd have to take it to a more legal level ( )
3)Have her talk to her parents and then I would follow up with the parents letting them know what happened with myself

I know from personal experience interacting with that age group at church and among my son's friends that it IS possible to remain a trusted adult and... steer.... these children towards what they SHOULD do. The key is not to react in a negative manner yourself AND to remember that this is a CHILD.