Is it the spouse's job to be "visible?"

[Michele]

The cupcake affair thread prompted this question.

I know this has come up in the past. I don't remember my position on it then, but I'm sure it's changed as I've matured....

I don't think it's my responsibility to friend the nurses or show up at his job to display my husband's "taken" status. It's his responsibility to not engage/encourage flirty single nurses/residents. Russ is shy in most social situations, but if he's comfortable with you (work, friends) his behavior could be considered flirty or inappropriately full of sexual innuendoes. He loves double entendres (spelling?). I haven't had any problem with the people he works with, including the girl with the nympho tattoo and all the dr trolling techs who wear thongs with low cut scrub pants so that their thong straps show when they raise their arms (these techs told him this was the reason and that they wanted to land a doctor - I'm not being overly judgmental, at least in this case ). In fact many of his techs/nurses bug him to hang out with me or send him with baked goods for me or knitted hats/blankets for the kids. I assume it's because he talks about us often.

Now I don't think that in all cases it's the doctor's fault, many truly are clueless when it comes to non-medical stuff.....but I don't think it should be the spouse's job to be visible so the nurses back off.

Well, what say the masses?

[Pollyanna]

If I have to be visible then I am screwed. Seriously, I barely have enough time to maintain my own friendships, the last thing I need to be doing is making friends with the department. That's just me at 41, maybe at 21 I'd feel differently, but there is not enough time in my life to ward off other women, I figure that's his job

[SuzySunshine]

I suggested that she be visible if she felt it necessary but I'm not. I think I've been to DH's floor twice in his 7 years. The nurse I know that works with him I met through my own channels and knew for quite a while before I knew she worked with DH. I know DH talks about me because whenever I do meet nurses he works with, like at holiday partys or going away dinners, etc. they always talk to me like they know me because DH talks about me so much.

However I also know of at least one resident that had to be hit over the head with a hammer to realize that he was being hit on on a regular basis so I think it depends on your DH too

[alison]

What.... You have your hands full, Tara?

What.... You have your hands full, Tara?

Like Rapunzel said, it's not your "job." It's absolutely his responsibility to avoid sticky relationships, and it would be his fault if anything ever happened. But it's still good, on many levels, to get to know the nurses, residents, colleagues, etc. In a case like the "cupcake affair," it can allay fears - but it's also good for other reasons.

I also think it varies by city, and by relationship. I hardly know anyone here - I don't have time either now, plus we're an hour away. But I'm not really worried when it comes to affairs. I wish I knew his colleagues for other reasons.

During residency, it was a more tight-knit community, and DH practically lived at the hospital. The nurses & fellow residents were like his family - cupcakes and kind gestures abounded. I wouldn't have wanted to feel left out of his world by not knowing people there.

At this point, I just want to be able to talk to him about his job & know the people involved. He hangs out with these people, and I feel less isolated and more involved when I know them myself.

[TigerLily]

I have made a point to get to know the other residents well, just so I can know who he is talking about when he tells me stories, and so I can feel like I am somewhat part of his life. Unfortunately during residency, I can't really get to know all of the nurses and techs. With him switching rotations every month or two, it just wouldn't be possible. The hospital is huge and I don't think he's ever worked with the same nurses for multiple rotations.
My husband is also one of those people who is totally and completely oblivious to people flirting with him. He is so naive about these things, he has no idea that anyone would flirt with a man who they knew was married.
If only people knew what it was really like to be married to a doctor! They would know that you want to make sure that you are REALLY in love before jumping into that commitment!

[TigerLily]

I remember the day that I decided that I would make myself visible...
Med school had just started and we lived about 2 hours apart. It was so hard for me that he was becoming so close with all of these people who he would be spending so much time with who I had never even met. One night they all went out to the bars, for his birthday actually. (silly birthdays always causing problems.) I was younger and more expressive about my jealousy, and I was really annoyed that he was out at the bars with all of his classmates and I wasn't able to be there. The next day, on facebook (silly facebook also always causing problems,) one of his classmates posted on his wall, and I QUOTE- "Hey baby, lets get together soon and celebrate your birthday right." I was hysterical all day over this, NOT because I thought that this girl actually had any interest in him, nor did he have any interest in her, just because it hurt my feelings SO much that she thought that that behavior was acceptable and that he would stand for it.
They are still friends, and I still can't stand to look at her face.

[diggitydot]

Pfft...as often as DH forgets his pager/cell phone/stethoscope/etc. -- I'm far too well known at the clinic for my own tastes. It certainly isn't by choice that I'm there all the damn time.

No, not my job to "be visible". It's his job to set AND keep appropriate work place boundaries. Which he does because he likes having a family.

[GrayMatterWife]

It is not my job for my husband to know better. That is HIS responsibility.

[peggyfromwastate]

I listen to him talk about everyone, and I feel like I know them, even if I only get to put a face to a name at the chief's dinner at the end of the year!

DH knows when people hit on him (guys and girls LOL... seriously) and he nips it in the bud right away. He's kind of serious, and it's obvious by the way he wants to get out of work as soon as possible that work is not all there is in life to him.

I think this goes with the territory- I knew the people my dad worked with well. We went to the ER all the time to visit him, to drop by paint samples, to get stitches. I remember going in there a lot, and all the nurses talking to me and my mom. It was a small-knit community, with 8 docs or so and a pretty stable nursing/tech staff. I know all the people pretty well who work in my dad's clinics now too. My mom is there a lot, too- but not to really ingratiate herself, or to stake her claim, just to spend time with dad for what it's worth. I think getting to know everyone works in this setting, but I would not be comfortable now going into DH's workplace even if I brought offerings of food. They are busy, and whenever I go there because of a Dr appt one of the kids has, everyone is friendly and what not, but I don't really feel the need to "know" them. This is residency, not the Rest Of Our Lives... I guess that's how I look at it all.

[BonBon]

If I have to be visible then I am screwed. Seriously, I barely have enough time to maintain my own friendships, the last thing I need to be doing is making friends with the department. That's just me at 41, maybe at 21 I'd feel differently, but there is not enough time in my life to ward off other women, I figure that's his job

This is how I feel. Plus, my DH comes with so much freaking baggage who would want him. LOL. That said, I do see both sides of the issue - as Rapunzel pointed out, it would be nice to try and stay more involved in each other's lives. Maybe I should drop in with doughnuts once in a while. I would be VERY popular!

[SoonerTexan]

Russ is shy in most social situations

I NEVER would have guessed that!

It's not much of an issue for us now. He's been labeled one of the "marrieds" as he largely hangs out with the 6 or 7 other married students or a group of people that know he's married. If any med student was really looking to land a doctor, they've got about 120 unmarried options readily available. (Actually, we've heard the hookups have been rampant). Not sure what it will be like in residency, but DH is the type to talk about me often--at least from what he says! We'll see.

As far as visibility goes...I like to be visible, but that is just me. I've made it a point to meet the spouses/girlfriends of many of my male friends and because of this or that I've met most of his female friends. I'll probably need to be LESS "visible" come interviews, etc.

As a sidenote, I always thought my dentist was very smart in his choice of staff, which consists of almost entirely happily-married middle aged women with experience in their jobs. Not that young, hot nurses are bad--it just created a very different environment from some of the other offices I have been to.

[DCJenn]

The department is microscopically small- (the one here, he's a department of one in the fellowship in DC) there are 4 child neurologists and as w/ Rapunzel's husband, they work extremely closely with the techs. If Rick has to go in to do an EEG, a tech has got to go in to run the damn thing (unlike on House where even interns apparently all do the EEGs and the MRIs. By themselves. Alone with the patients) It's a pretty tight ship, and Nurse Betty (not kidding) is the rudder to the pediatric subspecialists. She works for GI, neurology and one other tiny peds subspecialty. She emails me once a month just to check and see how we're doing. Nurse Betty does not put up w/ any kind of misbehavior from the docs on down to the newest candy striper. Nope. I worry more about crossing Nurse Betty than I ever worried about offending the Colonel.

I have no need to go to make myself seen- he's got pictures of us all over his office and he's actually embarrassing about showing off pictures of us, the dogs, the cats, the house...I fear for his elderly years. Besides, I can't go drop in to see him at work as I have to work, too. If I happen to be at the hospital for some reason of my own, I'll stop by the department and see whoever is there. The Child Neurologists get together pretty often- at least every few months.

Of course, he's in DC right now w/ a female room-mate and if anything, it's taught him that despite what he thought, I am amazingly easy to live with (comparitively!)

J.

ETA: OF course, Nurse Betty also is a cake-baker as a hobby so there's no point in ever competing with her in that realm.

[v-girl]

Michele - You know how far I live from the hospital. We show up with G to look at the trains in the lobby. That's about it.

[PrincessFiona]

Job? No. I show up in the clinic once every 2 weeks or so to bring dh a latte and just say hi before clinic. I know his nurses and the clinic nurses too. It isn't about being visible and letting them know he's taken. It just feels nice to know the people he works with and to be able to enjoy getting to know them. I sometimes bake for the clinic nurses or bring candies or something back from my summer trip for the nurses. It isn't staking out my territory though ... It's just nice to know them and feel a little more connected. Hell, I dare any of them to steal him and put up with his German behind. LOL Go for it. Hehe

Kris