Is it the spouse's job to be "visible?"

And as far as what is "normal," we've experienced two completely different types of environments. I don't drop in to DH's workplace now. It would seem odd there. I haven't met several of his current colleagues. A few have been to our house for dinner, but most of them are just people I know from his stories.

In residency, there were spouses & kids in the "resident library" all the time. Spouses would bring dinner up for everyone on call. Yes, they were busy - the pager would go off and they'd have to leave. But without that dinner table in the call room, there was no time or place to see them at all. It made life seem bearable, and it was nice to get to know some of the other spouses there. Approve of it or not, it was normal for there.

It is obvious from everyone's posts that there is a great variety of working environments (and yes, there are some business, even productive ones, where spouses are frequently seen). It doesn't seem fair to compare spouses from different places.

I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but doesn't all of this really come down to insecurity and self esteem?

As bad as insecurity is for a relationship, if someone has an affair, it can't be blamed on an "insecure spouse." It is the fault of the spouse who had the affair. I'm guessing that having lunch with coworkers of the opposite sex is perfectly fine in your marriage (and probably for others here), but it isn't ok in ours. DH & I agree on it, and it doesn't make me a "clingy" or "insecure" wife. If anyone outside our marriage doesn't respect this, DH will be sure they do, because that is his responsibility.

Anyway, I think a lot of this depends on the work culture and how a marriage evolves. We're just really busy. Also, my husband is NOT Mr. Touchy-Feely. He is well liked but is known for not tolerating shenanigans. I don't say this naively, I understand that affairs of the heart can happen to anyone, the occasional hard ass included. I just know that he isn't as easy a target as someone with an easier going personality.

Well put.

[scrub-jay]

LOL! It probably is. And since I'm in an open marriage, you're welcome to borrow them. *kisses*

I just might take you up on that... only if you give me lessons on how to walk in them!! (I have no idea how I just deleted my previous post...)

[HouseofWool]

I just might take you up on that... only if you give me lessons on how to walk in them!! (I have no idea how I just deleted my previous post...)

Do you want it undeleted?

[scrub-jay]

In most of the offices I've worked in. . . even those run by sole practitioners . . . meet the family at weddings and funerals. My firm doesn't even invite spouses to the holiday party. (Boo Hiss).

Mine is the same way, despite being at the home of my boss. I brought DD in while I was still on maternity leave and although most accepted it well, I still got the "evil eye" from a few higher-ups. How family-friendly your workplace is DOES make a difference. It is awkward to see family members in our office, unfortunately. It was the same when DH worked FT too, I met his coworkers at an evening gala function. However, in med school, DH has already brought DD to some of the small group sessions and they LOVE seeing her. (He even took her to lecture once and no one knew there was a baby in the lecture hall until he was leaving). His program is ridiculously family-friendly though. I think this does play a role. However, we keep our marriage strong by discussing our days every evening.

[labmouse]

well... i think it is not that appropriate for spouses to drop by at the hospital just to say hi or bring food. I dropped by the clinic once and hospital once so far. The thing is doctors tend to show another serious side of them while they are working. Their brains are so stuffed up with charts, blood work results and who's coding or dying etc etc. Talking daily mundane topics with such people is dangerous and they tend to be more impatient while at work (i wouldn't blame them, since hospital is a high stress zone). And, for me, i think that spouses dropping by too often is bad for his working reputation since people might think that you can't even separate work from home.

Socializing with his colleagues outside of workplace is another thing altogether. We have social gatherings at nearby restaurants once every few months and most of the residents are usually there with their SOs. I find these times easier to communicate with them as they are not working and tend to be at ease or more relaxed.

[scrub-jay]

Do you want it undeleted?

It doesn't matter to me, LSW quoted it, so I'm not worried about it.

[Pollyanna]

FWIW,

Anyway, I think a lot of this depends on the work culture and how a marriage evolves. We're just really busy. Also, my husband is NOT Mr. Touchy-Feely. He is well liked but is known for not tolerating shenanigans. I don't say this naively, I understand that affairs of the heart can happen to anyone, the occasional hard ass included. I just know that he isn't as easy a target as someone with an easier going personality.

This is true for us. Most people have a healthy respect (aka: fear) of dh.

When my husband was in med school I used to go with him to lectures, I would bring my casebooks and study (I like to study with ambient noise). I know some people thought it was weird but it wasn't about insecurity or low self esteem, it was about wanting to spend as much time together as possible. Nowadays I bring him dinner and actually hang out with him in the call room on call nights. Sometimes I will stay almost the entire night, but once again that's not about showing myself, I literally don't leave the call room until I actually leave the hospital so it's not like anyone really knows I'm there. And it's not like I am in any way detracting from his work. A few times doing this I have met people he works with. I've met his favorite nurse, a couple of his upper levels and one attending. No one seemed particularly put-off by my presence. I know one of the other residents has his wife and kids visit him while he's on-call as well. I don't show up there to make a point, I show up because my husband is my best friend and I miss him and if that's what it's going to take to see him I'll do it. Not to say that those who don't do this are not best friends with their spouses, this is just what works for us. As far as outside of work, I've managed to be out of town for the few-get-togethers we've been invited to by other NSG residents but I was invited. And I hang out with interns from other departments with and without my husband.

As for my work, I currently work at home but I am doing work with a local attorney here in town and I took my husband with me once to pick up some documents and in some ways to meet my "boss". We've just always been like that. His parents own their own family practice and have always worked together and my parents own their own law practice and have also always worked together so I think we are used to those lines being crossed on a daily basis. We both remember hanging out at our parents' offices before and after school, on holidays or sick days etc. To this day my nieces go to work with my Mom and Dad the days my sister works and my other sister works for my parents so like I said we are both used to work being a family affair. I think it comes down to what you and your spouse are COMFORTABLE with and that you make sure not to make anyone else uncomfortable in the process. That's my 2 cents!

[Meenah]

I'm really starting to appreciate my setup!!!!!! When DH is on in the ICU I am rounding on the patients on the regular floors. We meet up for coffee/lunch/dinner. The nurses prefer to call me instead of him when there is a problem with the patient because I am more patient and nicer!!!! If it is a problem I can't handle,then I will call him and they won't have to.

I'm really starting to appreciate my setup!!!!!! When DH is on in the ICU I am rounding on the patients on the regular floors. We meet up for coffee/lunch/dinner. The nurses prefer to call me instead of him when there is a problem with the patient because I am more patient and nicer!!!! If it is a problem I can't handle,then I will call him and they won't have to.

That is a sweet deal. That's the other thing about my husband's department he's always in the ICU or the OR so there really is no way I could "just drop in" to say hello. Even when we have plans for me to bring him dinner I usually end up waiting outside the ICU for at least 20 minutes before he can come get me, regardless of how accurate he thinks he's being when he invites me over

[Tenacious_D]

This is going to be TMI but I can remember 3 times I visited dh while at work...when he was a med student on an on rotation on Easter. He told me about the Haitian nurses working there and they wanted to meet the haitian chic married to the tall Jew so I went with chocolate eggs. 2nd time was when he was in ct on a surgery away rotation and we were trying to co conceive little E...I never stepped in the hospital because I was there for my own job of sorts the last time was during intern year and he was on a slow overnight call and asked me to come visit with E. Dh hasn't come to my job when I was teaching... He certainly could but not until classes are over or if it's show and tell.

In the end, people can do what makes them comfortable. Dh talks about me with coworkers and i go to the parties and have more exciting things to do at home then wait for dh to have time for us at the hospital.

LSW, yes, what you said makes sense.

I think it comes down to what you and your spouse are COMFORTABLE with and that you make sure not to make anyone else uncomfortable in the process.

Agreed!

Honestly, the biggest takeaway from your post was that he had time to hang out at all. In 3 years of residency (post alleged 80 hr rule) with 25 months of Q3, he slept a total of 7 hours.

Holy $%#@ that sounds awful. Okay, I have to come clean. A part of why I go to the call room isn't for my husband, he doesn't have time to hang out, the longest he has ever slept on-call is an hour and he usually isn't even in there. It's cause they have cable and we don't. In addition even if I get to see him for only 10 minutes it's more than I would usually get to see him, so like I said, I'll take it.

The more I think about this... The cable thing is partially true but my husband doesn't have any time, that's the whole point. The word "time" is not what jumps to mind when I think of my PGY-1 NSG resident being on-call. Not to get in a pissing match over whose husband works more, because I know that there are people who work harder, longer hours and that's not the point of my argument, but he takes call with NSG no matter what rotation he is on and then we are talking 6-8 calls a month at Q2. That's why HE asks me to come down and visit him, I have never once sauntered into the ICU to just say "hello." And it's not like we are sitting around playing Bridge when I visit. He is working, and I am usually just staying out of his way watching tv or doing work of my own.

And that wasn't the point of my post at all. My point was that we grew-up with families that were very comfortable mixing work and family and so therefore we are comfortable with it as well. If you and your husband are not comfortable with it then more power to you, to each their own, whatever floats your boat, etc. I don't care how other people handle it, this is what works for us and I just got a little offended at the idea that my husband has some ubiquitous amount of "time" for us to be together when in reality it is the thing he has the very least of and is the most difficult thing to adjust to in his first year of residency and our first year of marriage.

I'm getting visions of "the blonde on the left" from the "Why I Can't Make Mom Friends" thread/video...

Medical marriage is hard enough without feeling criticized for whether or not we bring cookies to our spouses. I'm sure all of our spouses are hard-working, respectable people who love their families. For the inevitable ups & downs, I, at least, come here for support, regardless of how my choices might be different.

Medical marriage is hard enough without feeling criticized for whether or not we bring cookies to our spouses. I'm sure all of our spouses are hard-working, respectable people who love their families. For the inevitable ups & downs, I, at least, come here for support, regardless of how my choices might be different.

So perfectly put!
Thank you for that