Is it the spouse's job to be "visible?"

[SoonerTexan]

Hmm...I guess it just depends on the person and the culture. FIL invited his secretary and her family to our wedding and let them stay at their house when a hurricane forced secretary's family to evacuate south Houston. SIL actually dated secretary's son for a short time (not sure I would have encouraged that...) In fact, he invited one of his former patients to our wedding...the same patient who sent DH a birthday card every year until she died. Another patient gave my MIL a beautiful gold ring as a gift and FIL says most of his patients would rather hear about his family than talk about the cancer.

I wonder if it is his very friendly personality or the field/situation he is in. Either way, I think it is good considering how much he is at work/out-of-town.

[PrincessFiona]

It's sad to me that there is some judgment in this thread. We are all different people and we see things differently. Of course! You aren't wrong for going in to see your spouse and you aren't wrong for choosing not to. Neither choice is indicative of the state of someone's marriage, their weirdness, or clinginess. I wish we could have these talks without them sometimes turning nasty, but I guess that's why the debate forum is in the morgue.

For the record, I'm neither weird nor clingy and me coming by occasionally is socially accepted here. If it wasn't, I wouldn't care because I'm 40 and fabulous and I'm rocking my 4 inch heels and couldn't care less what someone else thinks. LOL

Let's all just chil.

Kris

[GrayMatterWife]

It's called normal relationships and being involved in your spouse's life. I'm sorry if you don't understand that - it's something very, very normal, however.

And, I come from the working class - this is normal for the working class - normal relationships.

I understand where you're coming from, Rapunzel. Get it completely.

I go to the hospital at least twice a week, sometimes more. We live a couple of blocks away. I go to meet DH for dinner with the kids, to bring cookies to him, to drop off reimbursement requests to his department, to pick up checks. I am at the hospital for my own and the kids' doctors' appointments. I go when I walk up to get the girls from daycare, which is located on the hospital campus.

Everyone in the department knows me and I know them. I am social and make a moment of small talk if I run into someone, but I don't "hang out." I'm not a groupie rocking with the band. I'm there usually to bring something or get something then I want to go home. I have my own job and obligations. But I really like knowing where DH works and the people he works with. It has helped us as a family support him because we are familiar with where he goes and who he works with. It feels more "real" to the kids (and me) than if he were to just disappear every day for 16 hours.

But it's definitely a lifestyle choice. And it's not or everyone. Some people, both the medical and the nonmedical spouse, prefer to keep it separate. Honestly, it would be weird if the shoe were on the other foot--if DH would come downtown to the courthouse and bring me cookies and stop in for lunch. But, it works for us when I do this for him.

But it never, ever occurred to me to do this to "stake out" my "man" territory. For heaven's sakes: I'm 37. I'm too old for that stuff. We've been married for 15 years and define our lives around our commitment to each other It just never occurred to me that I'd need to defend that against slutty techs. Maybe my husband's not a hottie? But I can assure you, no one thinks I bring cookies as "mark my territory." Maybe I just don't give off the insecurity vibe. Or, again, maybe we're just too old. Or maybe it's because the first thing the nurses always tell me when they see me is how much DH talks about me and how great he thinks I am. He's a sweetie.

Take a step back there - I wasn't trying to get in your grill, I was thinking, Damn, I wish we'd gone into that residency because it sounded great!

Sorry, it's just that NSG is about as far away from "family friendly" as you can get and I guess I was being sensitive because he's on-call AGAIN tonight, and I don't have the time or energy to go to the hospital. It's all good. We all have to figure out our own ways of dealing with, what is ultimately "a hella sucky situation" as my niece would say! Now where the hell is my wine opener....?!?

I LOVE IT!!!!

[PrincessFiona]

That's why I drink champagne. One bottle that doesn't reseal = one serving.

I can get behind that!!!! See, we agree!!!

That's why I drink champagne. One bottle that doesn't reseal = one serving.

Haha that's awesome!
The other day I couldn't find the wine opener ANYWHERE, so I pushed the cork in.
It was the perfect excuse for the whole ONE SERVING business!!

[diggitydot]

Wait, you mean there's supposed to be more than one per bottle? Huh. Who knew?

Kids are in bed, DH is on his way home with dinner, wine bottle is opened (cork conveniently lost), feet are propped. All's well that ends well.

[DCJenn]

Yes. Not that I know with absolute certainty that a bottle of white wine is about 600 calories or anything...

and for a final note: no one can come see me at my job. So, if any of you are in San Antonio, and have some compelling need to see a methadone clinic, a sobering unit, a detox unit, a homeless campus group homes, or an adult or children's crisis unit, you're on your own. The only time I had my husband come to my office was right before he left for fellowship and I had a flat tire and I had no problem asking him to lie down on boiling hot asphalt to change my tire. and if you do come, you will be asked to sign a confidentiality statement a mile long and wear a really big badge that says VISITOR.

We can't even get flowers directly delivered, they're delivered to the main receptionist and then the office staff will call us down. Of course, I have to go through several locked doors just to get to my office.

It's not about love, respect OR fidelity, it's about the Mexican Mafia staking us out and knowing who is staff and who isn't.

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

Jenn, I think that becomes a serious privacy issue too (for the patients).

I think wine ... Sounds good right now though. Hmmmm.

[DCJenn]

CFR 42 (Code of Federal Regulation) - the bane of sheriffs and bail bondsmen everywhere. We can't confirm or deny anything. They can watch someone walk in to the clinic and we can't confirm or deny that the person is there. It's actually kind of fun to watch their heads explode.

Jenn

[alison]

Wow, Jenn, wow!

I'm done caring about other women... If dh were to run off, then the other woman will be in for a surprise when she finds out how much dental work he needs during his January vacation. That, and we have a daughter who will single-handedly demolish any cupcakes anyone decides to make for my dh -- by sticking her little fingers in the frosting of all of them.

I used to get super upset about women who came anywhere near him.

I think Heidi actually purchased and drives the Smackdown Bus, because of me!

[GrayMatterWife]

and if you do come, you will be asked to sign a confidentiality statement a mile long and wear a really big badge that says VISITOR.

We can't even get flowers directly delivered, they're delivered to the main receptionist and then the office staff will call us down. Of course, I have to go through several locked doors just to get to my office.

It's not about love, respect OR fidelity, it's about the Mexican Mafia staking us out and knowing who is staff and who isn't.

Jenn

Me, too! Just trying getting past the court security officers, a security system, and two bullet-proof doors. All before we hit the emergency call button that summons 9,000 federal marshals, guns drawn, into Chambers. Plus, you have to wear an obnoxious VISITOR pass. Don't visit me. It's not worth the headache.

[MrsK]

DCJenn appears to work the same place that DrK works. I asked him about spouses visiting at work and he said, "Not if you are married to a psych resident!" I haven't visited him there in a year. When I did, I was quickly wisked off to the break room and locked in. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without an escort.