Why Chinese Mothers are Superior

[PrincessFiona]

Tentatively....tentatively...posting this...keeping in mind that this is in the debate forum...presiding in the Morgue. Perhaps we will all be able to agree on this?

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?


By AMY CHUA

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/...DEwNDgyWj.html

[BonBon]

LOL, I saw that on vgirl's FB page, and debated on posting it here. I decided I was too scared. I am very much looking forward to reading the posts.

[Ladybug]

Kris is living dangerously today.

[BonBon]

Annie, you're never on FB anymore so I knew you wouldn't see it. Your thoughts are some of the most eagerly anticipated!

[Pollyanna]

Hey, if it works for you, more power to you. . DD1 very best friend's parents were both born in China. Their daughter used to practice piano 2-4 hours per day, no sleepovers, had tutoring during the summer to get ahead in math, and started studying for the SATs in 7th grade. Her parents may have pushed but I will tell you that they are both the most kind and loving parents you have ever met. They have two younger sons that they push as well but differently than they push their daughter. They have moved several times but DD1 still stays in contact. We worry so much about moving around and how it will impact our children, they do not worry about this at all. It is simply not a consideration, moving is what is necessary and the children are expected to come along and succeed. And succeed they have. I have never heard those children complain about moving, or working hard. Certainly they grumble but they seem to be amazing and probably more well adjusted then my kids. So like I said at the beginning, if it works for you, great!

[Thirteen]

I am not a mother... yet.
But there were several moments in this article where I winced. There's definitely a stinging feeling I got while reading.
To each their own?

Totally agreed. I listened to her yesterday on NPR & will be reading the book (not for tips, just bc I found it interesting and the author engaging.). I does sound like the WSJ article was really just one facet of the book, and likely the most inflammatory. There us a happy medium to be found. Ii probably lean more towards her style of parent g than a lot of the "my kid is always right/must be happy" types I encounter on a daily basis.

[SuzySunshine]

I saw her Today show interview and I thought both of her kids seemed very normal and well adjusted. Its not the route I would take but I think the book would be an interesting read.

[MrsK]

I read this a few days ago and it's been on my mind a lot. I was afraid to bring it up here. While I think some of her techniques are questionable -- nagging and belittling her children until they succeed, screaming until she is horse over a piano lesson -- I think there is some validity to her theory of parenting. If children are given specific and reasonable objectives and are praised when they achieve those goals, children will strive to please their parents. I like the concept that self-esteem is not created by telling a child that everything they do is wonderful but rather that children gain confidence through their accomplishments.

I also agree that letting your child quit can cause them to think you don't believe in them. It reminded me of a series of discussions I had with my in-laws. My husband was having trouble passing an exam. He'd taken it twice and had passed each part but not at the same time. He was devistated. His father kept saying things like, "If I were you, I'd have given up by now." And his mother kept saying that he should quit medical training and just come home to run the family business. I finally took them aside and asked them if they thought he couldn't pass the test. Because telling him that they would have given up or suggesting he quit was not encouraging. I knew he could pass because he'd passed each part of the exam at different times. If he really wanted it and if he buckled down, he'd pass. And as long as he wanted to be a doctor, I was going to push and drag him until he passed that test. His mother worried that I was being too hard on him and wanted to comfort him but indulging his whining and giving him an easy escape route was not helping him accomplish his goal. His father, on the other hand, hadn't realized how his comments sounded and he meant that he admired his son for sticking with it. After lots of hard work, whining, nagging, tears, etc., he passed the test and he learned a lot of self-discipline along the way. I cannot imagine how he would have felt if he'd just quit and gone home.

[alison]

There's no right or wrong way to parent.

[MrsK]

I must add, however, the WSJ article has a very unfortunate title. I think the article was intended to be provocative.

I don't see how referring to a child as garbage could be a good thing. My FiL is Korean and he told his kids they would be doctors and his love was conditional. All of his children are doctors but IMO aren't emotionally close to one another. At least they are successful, right?

[SoonerTexan]

This bothers me:

1.

Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

My grandmother did that to my father (and still does). It had long-lasting, deeply negative effects. In turn my father now does the same thing to my brother. This is NOT a good thing.

2. What's wrong with drama class or school plays?

I DO see the value in some of what she is saying (pushing your children to succeed, not letting them give up), but I firmly believe that compassion (not to be confused with giving up or "spoiling" your kid) has a very important place in parenting. These "wonder kids" may perform amazingly well academically but how are they in interpersonal relationships, etc.? The author didn't seem to be too concerned about that.

I sent this to my mom (family/marriage counselor). I'm very curious to see what she says.

[Ladybug]

Lucy's piano playing is mediocre at best. She has the capabilities, but lacks the self discipline for practice. Her enjoyment of it has not surpassed her desire to play with her sisters. The 10-15 minutes that she practices are sometimes the most painful of my day. *I* would never have the self discipline to make her practice that long. Somedays I have a vision of her and I locked in a never-ending arm wrestle on top of the piano. I tell myself I'm trying to teach her a basic understanding and appreciate on music, not to be a concert pianist. I'm afriad of turning into a battle and issue because i'm afriad she won't enjoy music if i do. Or that i'll lose the battle To parent this way means to live this way. No playdates (star bucks and chats with other moms), no TV...working tirelessly to instill a sense of discipline, self control and mastery in my children. *gulp* Honestly, I'm not up for that gig. My kids might be fine if I did it, but *I* would be mental. Meanwhile, I guess I won't throw in the towel on lucy's piano lessons. Yesterday I was pulling my hair out and telling myself it wasn't worth the drama it was causing...maybe it is.

I guess if I took the middle road I would spend a lot more time with her working on math. Her love + my commitment to push her past her comfort level...and maybe even my sanity level.

The WSJ article was quite out of context. She clearly does care about their interpersonal relationships and abilities. While I don't subscribe to calling my kids "garbage", I do think there is a big difference between a loving parent who is angry or disappointed and a constantly demoralizing or dismissive parent using the same term. If the kid knows he's loved and hears something like that, it would hurt them, but in a very different way.