Gender Identity in a Ten-Year-Old

[Vanquisher]

The hormone therapy is a very tough decision to be sure. To say that I would go through with that absolutely is not accurate. Any decision to do so would be with an enormous amount of thought and reflection with the individual personality and maturity of the child coupled with my own instincts on the permanence of their gender identity.


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[houseelf]

I love all the unconditional love that you all are willing to give your kids. Honestly, what a lucky group of children. Obviously, my kid is my kid too and it is my fervent prayer that I will always demonstrate unconditional love for them, even if it means deep pain for myself and letting go of some of my dreams for them. Nonetheless, I agree with Kris:

I can't see allowing a toddler/elementary aged child to make these choices though. I'm drawing from personal experience with one of my children, btw.

My children talk about how they are going to allow their kids to eat sugar cereal, have unrestricted video game access, and choose whether they want to do their homework. mmm...hmmm.... Permanently altering gender forever is just a really big decision to turn over to such a young child and the long term biological ramifications of hormone alteration have to be unknown at this point.

[diggitydot]

I agree, Heidi. Particularly about the maturity and personality of the child being a HUGE factor.

[SuzySunshine]

I can't see allowing a toddler/elementary aged child to make these choices though. I'm drawing from personal experience with one of my children, btw.

No, I couldn't see letting someone that was a toddler or early elementary make those tough choices, but I also don't think they'd have to. As the original article stated they are only giving him drugs to stop his puberty, they won't make any big decisions about changing his gender until he turns 16. At that time, yes I think a child would be old enough to understand the implications of their decision. As a toddler or early elementary child they are, and should, still be doing a lot of pretend and if that means pretending to be the other gender then so be it.

[PrincessFiona]

Actually, they have allowed this child to dress like a girl for years and take on a female identity Thats pretty big in my book.


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[PrincessFiona]

Cheri, Adele is in preschool. What if she started pretending she was a boy, like Robert. Harmless, right? Take it a step farther. If she wanted to change her name to Adam and wear boys clothes to school though, what would you do? That goes beyond play. Can you honestly look at Adele and say that as she got older you would not only be open to it but you would advocate giving her injections to stop puberty for years?
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[DCJenn]

If the choice is having a hysterical miserable child who wears boys clothes or a happy and generally well-adjusted child who wears girls clothes, then I'm going w/ wear the girls clothes. The issue w/ schools as far as I'm concerned is BEFORE any gender reassignment might take place, because if the child chooses to play sports, who determines which team (or which locker room for that matter) should they use? We have run into this issue at the detox unit and it gets really, really complicated.

Gender Identity is a lot more than wearing the 'right' clothes. and they DO know as children. Read the interviews w/ Chaz Bono, he felt like he was in the wrong body forever. I can't imagine how miserable that would be.

Jenn

[corn poffi]

Yeah, but it's not hurting anybody, and it's better than telling him that "he'll get over it". Also, I'm not sure it's the best idea to have the child pretend he's something he's not. That can lead to plenty more problems down the road.

But, he's not my kid, and it doesn't really affect anybody but him and his family, so I guess it really shouldn't matter what they do.

[SuzySunshine]

If Adele wanted to dress like a boy and act like a boy right now I would be fine with that and I can say that because she is THREE! Her WORLD right now is dress up, make believe and pretend. That is why I'm saying a toddler and an early elementary child aren't going to make life changing decisions at their age, as a child gets older and starts to recognize the importance of these things that is where a parent and a doctor can help them understand all of their options.

Robert wears a dress regularly while playing dress up with Adele. Am I concerned that he's really a girl? No, if he still doing it in 5 years then maybe it would be a discussion but I don't see it as a be all end all decision at that age.

Like most parenting decisions no one really knows what their reaction would be until they were faced with it with their child. But I understand this is in the debates forum so we have to go after each other as usual.

[PrincessFiona]

I'm off of my cell phone...so maybe I can explain myself better.

Look guys ... I think it's great that you want to embrace this. I'm just surprised because for years I have listened to how you would never "let your kid tell a fart joke, let your child say uh huh, or "I'm Bored" ... I'm not picking on any one person, btw ... I'm not even picking .... I promise. It's just that here we all are worried to death about potty training, fart jokes, grades, making sure they are playing an instrument, enrolled in immersion classes, etc etc ... but all of a sudden if your boy says "I think I'm a girl ... " we would be ok with embracing this?

I did a rather awkward amount of reading on this subject a few years ago. Transgendered individuals do suffer ... with or without surgery. Actually, surgery can make things worse for some because the effects aren't as the person hoped. Surgical removal of ... things ... and replacement of genitalia doesn't always go the way people plan for it and both form and function can be off. These individuals also have a greater propensity for anxiety, depression ... and addictions ... independent of family support, surgery, hormone treatments, therapy, etc.

Gender reassignment is not a magic bullet ... it is an attempt at a quick fix for a very complex, poorly understood problem.

We went through something on a very small scale with this. When Alex was in the third grade, he decided to become a girl. Three days out of the week he was Alicia. He sat with the girls at lunch on those days, wrote Alician on his papers .... when I went to conferences and found out about it I nearly lost my lunch. He had often expressed to me that he was a "boy-girl" and when I found out about this, every cell in my body freaked out. We did not allow him to continue being "alicia" at school. We did talk with him a lot about what for him being female is .... and he does have a feminine side ... the side that plays violin, is touchy-feely .... and he loves fashion. I would definitely describe Alex has metrosexual in his dressing. It takes him longer to pick out clothes than Amanda and he is very particular about brand and fit. It's crazy. But that's ok. His best friends are still girls and when he goes out to the movies it is him and 5 girls. We have talked a lot about the boy and girl sides of him ... and that I have parts of me that I feel are more masculine too....we all have male/female traits.

For now, I feel like we are good. I don't worry about it anymore ... much. I did have a freak-out moment at his birthday party this year, but Kelly talked me down.

At the end of the day, if Alex turns out to be gay or transgendered or whatever .... I don't care. I'm more than willing to listen to his feelings and talk with him about them and what they mean at this age. I would not for a second consider hormone therapy or allow him to live like a girl right now....I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he came back to me someday and accused me of wrongdoing for not getting him help to deal with the complex issues and for making permanent physical changes to him.

I hesitate to tell this story, because even though I know we're all singing "baby you were born this way" I know that judgment is attached to any parenting issues.... Alex is a happy kid who gets along well with everyone in his class. He makes good grades, plays soccer, violin and percussion ... hugs me every morning and night and tells me how much he loves me and is one awesome kid...and ... I'm a good mother to my children. I try to listen to their needs and meet them where they are at. It's a freaking hard job though .... and a decision like this is huge.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Cheri, I'm not going after anyone. I'm sorry that I came off like that. I certainly didn't meant to sound that way. I let my kids play dress-up too. Andrew had his own baby doll and stroller until he was 4. I just was trying to point out the difference between a boy wearing a dress at home to play make-believe (for example) and a child...a young child....changing their name, growing their hair long and dressing like a girl in elementary school and embracing that gender as their identity.

I certainly didn't mean to offend and I apologize. I have been reading/posting from my phone and so ... I've been typing as few words as possible.

I apologize for anyone I might have offended.

Carry on...I'll just read.

Kris

[Vanquisher]

Kris, I think what your describing is different. It's not about feminine and masculine qualities. Let's say that after Alex told you that he was a girl. He was trapped in a boy's body and felt depressed and anxious about it. Let's say that his inability to be Alicia 100% of the time at school AND at home made him a miserable child. He is not like that. He was pretending to be Alicia some of the time. He was experimenting and trying things out. That does not mean that he was ready to be a transgendered individual. There is a spectrum here. All of us have masculine and feminine qualities, true. There were times as a child I wished I was a boy, TBH, but I never thought "I am a boy trapped in a girl's body. I want to be a boy, and live like a boy. I AM a boy." There is a clarity and confidence in this decision that has to be there. I don't think anyone here is saying that if their child wanted, on a whim, to dress like the other gender for a while and was playing with gender that they would be advocating for their child to take hormones.

I do think that what is being said is that if one of our children, to the depths of their being, felt transgendered, and after careful consideration and discussion, they would do what they needed to do to support who their child is. Just as you have done what you felt was necessary to support your children, I think you would do this too.

At the end of the day, if Alex turns out to be gay or transgendered or whatever .... I don't care. I'm more than willing to listen to his feelings and talk with him about them and what they mean at this age.

[PrincessFiona]

Agreed Heidi. I do feel I have had a glimpse of what it would feel like though. I feel there is a spectrum. I don't believe I would allow hormone thx though. I would look for support.

There is a junior at tge boy's school. He carries a purse and calls himself "pink". He is very loved and protected by teachers and students. He is allowed to be who he is w/o ridicule. That is what I would want for my child in that circumstance.

Thank God none of us are facing this very difficult issue.

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[poky]

At the end of the day, if Alex turns out to be gay or transgendered or whatever .... I don't care. I'm more than willing to listen to his feelings and talk with him about them and what they mean at this age. I would not for a second consider hormone therapy or allow him to live like a girl right now....I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he came back to me someday and accused me of wrongdoing for not getting him help to deal with the complex issues and for making permanent physical changes to him.

I don't see much difference between this and what everyone else is saying, honestly. I don't think *anyone* goes through a sex change without "help to deal with the complex issues". Nobody here is advocating anybody forcing any young kid into any permanent decisions (that's the whole POINT of the hormone therapy this kid is getting, no, to delay puberty until old enough to make a decision?). But yes, if a child, even a young child, is *adamant* about their body being "wrong", and is miserable posing as their assigned gender, it would be bordering on cruelty to force them to conform to what's "wrong" to them. Doesn't sound like that's what was going on with Alex, though.

[alison]

None of this is easy. My bil is gay, and my in-laws are still coming to terms with this. I can see where it is hard for them to understand "how it happened," even though those words make me cringe... There's nothing wrong with him, of course, but I think whenever anything deviates from one's sense of what is normal and what isn't, it really shakes you to your core.