Gender Identity in a Ten-Year-Old

[PrincessFiona]

Actually Sandy, my opinion is different. I wouldn't allow my young child to cross dress and wouldn't consider hormone therapy to delay puberty. I recognize that my opinion is unpopular.

Yes, fortunately with Alex we did not end up on the more treatment end of the spectrum. At the same time I can empathize with the parents just from the teeny glimpse I got.

I'm sorry again if my opinion or how I presented it rubbed anyone the wrong way. I guess we all just see things differently.

Kris

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[v-girl]

but I think whenever anything deviates from one's sense of what is normal and what isn't, it really shakes you to your core.

So true.

[poky]

Actually Sandy, my opinion is different. I wouldn't allow my young child to cross dress and wouldn't consider hormone therapy to delay puberty. I recognize that my opinion is unpopular.

I saw several people who weren't sure about the hormone therapy; you're not alone there.

I'm curious why you wouldn't allow a child to cross-dress (I'm assuming you mean "no matter what") - do you have reasons you can articulate?

[diggitydot]

I don't know if I'm comfortable comparing a kid telling fart jokes to a transgendered kid. One is a behavior while the other is a fundamental part of their psyche.

As one of the super strict peeps around here, I don't see requiring respectful behavior from our three stooges as being incongruent with supporting their identities.


ETA: Hormones aren't a permanent change, but will only delay the onset of puberty for the child in the article until they're older and in a different position and frame of mind to deal with their situation. Whether they decide to continue with gender re-assignment surgery isn't a given, even with hormones on board.

[PrincessFiona]

No, I'm not alone...there were some who agree with me.
I wouldn't allow cross-dressing. I'm not sure that I can come up with a reason 'why' that would satisfy anyone here. Anything I say would make me appear to be intolerant, which I am not. Simply put, when I honestly think about my children, I just can't imagine doing it. I just can't. That isn't logical .... it's just my heart speaking. I don't think a young child can/should be permitted to make decisions of that magnitude. I can only imagine the bullying that would ensue and the consequences of that. Either way, I think that any child going through a true gender identity disorder would feel miserable and tortured, and I don't even know that I could say how I would respond in that scenario. Again ... I'm glad that I'm not in that position.

I don't think that gender reassignment is a magic bullet that would solve this problem and I don't know if delaying puberty is the right treatment direction. I just don't. It would take me a lot more thought and debate on this issue .... it isn't something I would be able to get on board with easily and that wouldn't be an indication of my lack of love or acceptance for my child.

diggitydot...my point was that there are very strict ideas on this board about some things ... I also have some strict ideas about things, btw ... but fart jokes isn't one of them . I find it hard to believe that based on the other things that we worry about here as parents about our children ... because frankly, this is probably the MOST thoughtful group of parents I know ... that so many people would embrace this without a discussion about gender identity disorder, the physical effects of delaying puberty, like sterility.... I just think it warrants discussion and debate....to me it did seem like people were a little quick to say "yes, I would" but maybe they have already given it much more thought and done more research on it than I have.

This is a huge and difficult issue for children and parents to face. I don't KNOW what the right thing is to do ... allow my child to cross dress? Allow them to rename themselves? Give them drugs to delay puberty? Holy shit, that's huge ... and I was just surprised that there wasn't discussion about it.

In any case, I'm very glad that this is not an issue we are facing. I'm also a little sorry that I answered. I think the topic itself warrants debate and discussion, but I clearly went about it the wrong way.

Kris

I don't think anyone was saying " I'd accept it & wouldn't blink an eye." , although I can see how it could appear that way. I know my response was a shortened version of "after many hours of discussion, painful soul searching, research, discussion with doctors & mental health professionals", if my child were truly transgendered (and I do believe a child can know), then in my spirit of " you're my kid and I love you. Period." I'd accept & support it. I can only imagine it would be gut wrenchingly hard, not to mention terrifying, but in my mental book of " how I'd like to think I'd proceed", that's my scenario.

[Pollyanna]

Let me just tip toe in here and piss everybody the hell off (I think that is long overdue). Like I said earlier, the loving your child is the easy part. It's a no brainer. And maybe our population set is skewed but it is interesting that there is very little, "holy crap, that would freak me the hell out, I have no idea what I would do". Maybe there is a little bit of arm chair parenting going on here. Kind of how we HOPE we would behave if this situation arose in our home. Gender identity is not a simple issue and like it has been mentioned there seems to be a spectrum so it is interesting that when discussing someone on an extreme part of that spectrum everyone is so on board with one solution. I'm not saying it's wrong, just interesting.
Diggitydot, I am not saying that you are suppressing your children's identities (not at all) but some would argue that being overly strict does that (I am not remotely saying you are doing this just pointing out that some would argue the point). Like everything, nothing in parenting is easy and I'm not sure I could easily jump on the "go ahead and cross dress" bandwagon. It was difficult when our oldest became Mario (yes from the video game) for 18 months when she was little and insisted on being called Mario, name tag at school had to be Mario, she pretended to be him for 24/7. It's not gender identity but it freaks you out as a parent and I was not immediately sure of how to handle the situation.
So for those of you confident in your response then more power to you. I fall into the camp of "holy crap, I have no idea what to do but there is no way in hell my child will be taking any hormones"

ETA: Cross-posted with Kris and Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

I think I just missed that part, Jenn ... and I was reading on the fly on my cell phone inbetween running around ... so I was unfocused in my reading and responses.

God ... I hope none of us EVER has to deal with something like this. Somehow, I feel like if we did, there would be a lot of support here though.

Kris

[diggitydot]

I think some of our quick responses in the affirmative has more to do with the fact that some of us know personally or have been around trans/gay/bi peeps and been one of the few who stuck around for the long haul.

It takes an exceptionally strong person to stand up and lay bare their souls and say "This is me" when being themselves invites ridicule, judgment, and misunderstanding. Imagine being forced to pretend to be something you're not -- maybe even something you find repugnant. Now imagine havin to face that painful charade every day of your life.

I don't want my kids to face ANY difficult time in their life without my support. This is just one of many potential issues that could appear on any parents horizon. Any of us could face this in our future. Or present.

Bottom line: wer're all some DAMN good parents around here. While we all may take different approaches, everyone wants what is best for their kid. I think we all will have differing views on what we perceive as "best".


ETA: I suppose I should clarify what "strict" means in our house. It pretty much boils down to respect. Kids aren't allowed to sass, lie, bully, be rude, say mean things, manipulate, sneak, etc. because it's all disrespectful. They're expected to do as their told by DH and I unless they have a compelling and non-argumentative reason for not. That's pretty much it. And I think respecting their fundamental personalities is directly in line with our version of a strict home.

[weeniegeniewife]

One of my most memorable, and gratifying, counseling experiences was helping a M to F transition. She came to me as a middle-aged male, having lived a life of solitude, ridicule and sadness due to knowing she had been born into the wrong body. 5 years after I had started working with her, she had her surgery and completed her transition. I helped write her letters of support for first her hormones, and then her surgery. There is absolutely no doubt that she is now in the body she was meant to be born into. Her depression is gone, she's working full-time and in a very loving relationship. Every time I see her she is beaming and so full of life. I couldn't be more proud of her.

People who know they've been born into the wrong gender know at a very early age, and parents are often able to see it as well. I would fully support DD in her transition should she decide that's what she needed to do. I love that kid and just want her to be happy. In my clinical work I've worked with the LGBTQ community for years. I have a great love for them and the adversity they deal with on a daily basis. If DD identified as transgender I'd support her 1000%.

[diggitydot]

I don't think I read the same article. I didn't see anything about the parents encouraging something that was simple "silly" play. I highly doubt their path was taken lightly.

[v-girl]

No, I'm not alone...there were some who agree with me.
I wouldn't allow cross-dressing. I'm not sure that I can come up with a reason 'why' that would satisfy anyone here.

Can I just ditto this? Great. Okay. Thanks.

[SoonerTexan]

I also didn't glean any parental pressure from the article.

I don't think there is enough in the article to know either way. Plus it's an article written by journalists--I highly doubt everything is fully represented and accurate. That's why I asked my original question about what the environment was like.

[DCJenn]

and to clarify- I'm pretty sure that if one of us here came to the group and said, "my ten-year old is convinced that he was meant to be a girl", MY initial response would be, "wow, that sucks." Because it does- for everyone involved.

and in the very next breath I'd be advocating locating a counselor. You can't do anything as an adult without having a team of people involved, so needless to say even if all you're doing as a family is getting research and support- it's a start.

I don't think 10 year olds can make that kind of decision (for hormone therapy or anything else) but I also happen to believe that a 10 year old could very well know that they don't feel like they're in the right body. Delaying puberty is a controversial decision to be sure but it does buy time for everyone involved.


Cross-dressing is a different issue for me. Most cross-dressers are heterosexual, married men with children. (statistics say that only 5-10% of men who cross-dress are gay)
Cross dressers are NOT drag queens, FYI. So, cross-dressing is not indictative of gender-identity issues in the least.

Confusing, yes.

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

Excuse me? "Wanting to"? As in it's all a show and we do not truly feel this way in our hearts?

Oh. You're excused.

As in "we all want to think we would respond this way because we are loving mothers who have unconditional regard for our children but I'm questioning whether we would embrace it as easily as was initially implied but later clarified. ". I think we already argued that. No need to stir the pot. I made it clear how much I respect everyone here.

The trouble with an issue like this is that even the professionals have different opinions/treatment directions. Some children are treated like this child with whatever success is measured here. Others are treated with the idea that identity as a concept can be retrained and these children are taught to be their gender through exposure,play,games etc. .... also with measurable success.

What is right?

I have had to make some tough choices for my children that were outside of their comfort level but are better for them in the long run. This is particularly true for my son with aspergers whose social needs are complicated. I accept him for who he is but I can't let him isolate himself and retreat to his comfort zone. I have to expose him to social situations. This can cause tantrums and even tears. He is 16. It's the right thing to do though and it has helped him. But it is not what he would have chosen for himself. It would be very easy for me to accept that he was born this way (because he was!) and construct a life comfortable to him. It wouldn't be in his best interest, and it's hard. It's hard to watch your child struggle, feel uncomfortable, and suffer regardless of the reason.

I think this is a very layered complicated issue and I don't know what the right answer is. I just know that I wouldn't allow my young child to dress gender opposite or delay puberty. I would probably choose some sort of gender training first. That's just me.

Kris

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