Nagging

[peggyfromwastate]

From the comments section of the Jezebel article:

You see, it's only "nagging" if women do it. If it's men doing it, it is clearly something else:
-Constructive Criticism
-Logic
-Manliness
-Assertiveness
-Leadership
-Dominance
-Spatial Reasoning

Take your pick.


That was the comment...
My take: preach it sister.

Why is it so acceptable for a man to just put off what NEEDS to be done??? And if the woman gets upset, she's a nag and a source of All Marital Discord.

Sorry. This is a sore subject for me right now. Getting ready for a move equals a LOT of extra stuff that needs to be done. And I am not waiting for Mr In a Minute to have a convenient time to get stuff done. It doesn't happen. Who would choose doing chores or sorting through your tool and crap from 10 years ago over sitting on the couch falling asleep while "studying"?

Sometimes you can't wait for your partners "timeframe". Bc sometimes their timeframe is whenever the wife gives up and takes care of it.

Here's an example- we had a very bad dripping tub. It got so bad that it leaked over 5 hours about 2" deep of water in the tub. A significant leak that I knew we'd need to fix before putting the house up. So, I ask dh to "take a look" so I can see if we need to call a plumber. He puts it off (eye rolls, sighing) for about 6 weeks. I ask him several times- after the kids go to bed, on the weekends, text messages (forgot the smilies oops) and he blows me off. Finally I set the kids up going something, go a little apeshit on him, he huffs off and spends 25 minutes finding tools, then he looks at it for 5 min and says "it can't be fixed". Apparently he doesn't have the right tool to fix it. I say ok-- Lickety split I google plumbers in the area- give them dhs cell phone (one of those 4 plumbers in your area deal where they call you with quotes). Dh sits down on the couch to "be with the kids" while they watch tv. But his cell goes off and so he had to talk to plumbers. Within 2 hours someone came out and fixed the leak.

But DAMN man, take care of it. If I didn't go apeshit it would be flooding our house now lol. And HE is the one who insists he's going to take a look before I call someone. This stuff he considers part of "his job".

After all that, he was soooo proud of himself for "fixing the problem". In his mind HE fixed the leak bc He determined that it needed a professional.

Infuriating-- I'm the harpy and he's just a "boys will be boys" victim.

So many examples like this over our 12 years+ of marriage.

[houseelf]

I'm pretty low on the nagging scale towards DH. I really don't like it when I feel like his mommy, very unsexy. In fairness, I have to say that post-training he's pretty decent about getting major things done without me having to jump him. I just sort of took over everything that bugged me when it didn't get done. If you want something done, do it yourself. What I can't do I hire out.

However, whoever commented that they nag their kids all.the.time. struck a chord with me that makes me keep coming back to this thread Seriously, I am an endless stream nags: take your shower, brush your teeth, finish your homework, quit gaming, eat your veggies, quit teasing your brother, brush your hair, get in the car, put your clothes in the hamper, wear a jacket, change the bands on your braces..... This is neither effective or how I imagined motherhood. I need to reconsider this strategy because I swear my kids' hear the voice of the Charlie Brown teacher "wah wah wah wah wah" instead of what I am trying to convey.

[Pollyanna]

I don't nag, I really don't think it's effective and I don't think it's healthy for any relationship. I really do take the team approach for everything. See my post in done in 2012. If dh is always thinking of what would make me happy and I do the same for him then nagging is unnecessary. Of course this does not happen overnight from either side, it takes tons of work and discussion. I also don't nag my kids. Their two rules in the are to be safe and to be moral, the other stuff is just "stuff". If they forget a jacket then they are cold, not me. If they forget to brush their teeth, they will be made fun of in school (and the likelihood of dating in high school will decrease exponentially, lol). It's not as simple as all that but I don't have more time to post right now. Suffice it to say, not a nagger.

[Chrisada]

I also don't nag. I had to really sit and think about the last thing I nagged about and it was about him submitting his new loan information so that it wouldn't go into default several months ago. And I only nagged him about that because it was a very serious matter and I could not do it myself, or honestly, I would have. The other stuff just isn't that important to me. In fact, I tell DH that he nags me.

[MissCrabette]

I just realized that I wasn't very clear. I don't nag about taking out the trash or other household chores. I mention those once, and then I do them myself if he doesn't get to them in a timely manner. What I do nag about is important stuff that he's too much of an airhead to keep on top of. And like someone else mentioned, putting those things on a list only means I'd have to remind him to look at the list, which is still nagging.

[niener]

I'm in the camp of if I don't constantly remind him to do something, I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences, not him. Stuff he needs to do that directly affects him he remembers (like calling to make a dentist appt b/c his tooth hurts, which he only remembered to do b/c his tooth hurt - if it was a normal checkup he wouldn't remember). It's everything else I have to remind him of repeatedly (like change the cat litter otherwise the cat will piss in the dog bed which I will then have to clean up since you wont be home for another 16 hours). So if that's considered nagging then yes, I nag. If he wants to roll his eyes and be in a foul mood about it that's his problem, but his eye rollong is rarely directed at me for reminding him, it's directed at the thing he doesnt feel like doing. We've set up an alarm reminder on his phone for the cat litter which has worked about 80% of the time so far. The other 20% he hears the alarm, silences it, goes back to whatever he was doing and forgets by the end of the night so I end up having to remind him anyway.

[SoonerTexan]

So I guess here is another question:

Do you nag about something if the end result of your spouse not doing something has a negative effect on you?

I'm okay with letting him suffer the consequences of things that don't matter to me, but what if it is get "x" done so we don't get a $200 fine, pay "x" bill so you don't ding our credit, etc?

I've also noticed, "just doing it myself" tends to turn into a habit for both of us and usually breeds massive resentment on my part, culminating in a fight where I am hurt and he (somewhat rightfully) doesn't understand why I just didn't ask him to do it.

[Chrisada]

I pay all bills myself, etc. All though honestly, everything from insurance to our car payment is on automatic withdrawal. I also clean out our cat litter, wash all the clothes, etc. DH takes the garbage out with no prodding from me, mows the lawn, and snowblows. I also make his appointments. It takes one minute out of my life. I know I'm the minority in this group, but it works for us and I carry no resentment. We haven't seen DH for two hours the past two days... so when we see him I'll be damned if I'm going to nag him over some kitty litter. But that's just me.

[diggitydot]

There is little, if any, household stuff on DH's plate. That all is done by the rest of us. I pay all the bills and the kids help with all the chores. Id the garbage doesn't get taken out, it's a kiddo who is nagged to take out the garbage that they forgot.

I typically nag the kids over shit that they know how to do correctly, but don't. DS is the only one who is nagged all morning to get ready and all afternoon to do his homework. His ADHD means he is constantly distracted and NEEDS the redirections.

[niener]

I pay all bills myself, etc. All though honestly, everything from insurance to our car payment is on automatic withdrawal. I also clean out our cat litter, wash all the clothes, etc. DH takes the garbage out and mows the lawn. I know I'm the minority in this group, but it works for us and I carry no resentment. We haven't seen DH for two hours the past two days... so when we see him I'll be damned if I'm going to nag him over some kitty litter. But that's just me.

Would you nag/remind him about the garbage though if he hadn't taken it out in a timely manner? My feeling is we have previously agreed upon responsibilities regarding household chores and we both agree that they are reasonable, so if you don't do your share I'm not just going to do it for you unless there is a legit reason. "I forgot" is not a legit reason. "I worked 30 of the last 36 hours" probably is.

[Chrisada]

This is how we do garbage. When it gets full at night I put it by the door. DH takes it out in the morning when he leaves. So with this procedure it's unavoidable. He has to pick up the garbage to get out of the house. On garbage day he takes the garbage to the curb in the morning and I take out the recycling to the curb. There are also times during the day when I take out the garbage if it happens to get full. It's just not a big deal to me.

[poky]

But DAMN man, take care of it. If I didn't go apeshit it would be flooding our house now lol. And HE is the one who insists he's going to take a look before I call someone. This stuff he considers part of "his job".

Holy cow. With that history, my DH would QUICKLY lose the ability to dictate that he needs to look at it first. Screw that noise. SO not worth it. Of course, we're renting now, so it's just a matter of calling the landlord for stuff like that.

[niener]

So I guess here is another question:

Do you nag about something if the end result of your spouse not doing something has a negative effect on you?

I'm okay with letting him suffer the consequences of things that don't matter to me, but what if it is get "x" done so we don't get a $200 fine, pay "x" bill so you don't ding our credit, etc?

I've also noticed, "just doing it myself" tends to turn into a habit for both of us and usually breeds massive resentment on my part, culminating in a fight where I am hurt and he (somewhat rightfully) doesn't understand why I just didn't ask him to do it.

"Just doing it myself" doesn't work for us either and honestly I think it makes things worse because just like you said, in trying to avoid confrontation now you build up resentment and end up creating a huge arguement later. Yeah ok, if he's genuinely too busy or didn't have the time Ill do it. I'm not a bitch. But he just forgot or he didn't feel like it? No sir. You're a grown adult. We all have to do things we don't like to do. And Ill be damned if I'm going to give him the impression that just because he doesn't feel like doing something there will always be someone who swoops in and takes care of it for him. Now if this was a frequent issue in our house where he often fell behind on his chores then we'd probably need to reevaluate his responsibilities because maybe he has too many. In our house, like in most of y'all's houses, I shoulder about 98% or more of the responsibility. He has literally two jobs - one is done every 3-4 days and takes 5 minutes, and the other is once every two weeks only in the spring and summer. He can handle that. And if he forgets, I remind him. Like I said, we've started putting reminders on his phone which works about 80% of the time and takes any personal feelings out of it so its not "nagging".

[ides]

I used to have to nag, which I hated & had conversations with him about regularly. Thankfully he has come up with a to do mind map type list he keeps on his phone & computer. If its on there he does it. If not, its off his radar completely and will not happen even if I remind over & over again.

He automatically takes the trash out when I leave it by the door.

Any huffing or eye rolling about anything results in me doing NOTHING for him for at least a day. No lunch prep, no clothes ironed, etc. I will not tollerate the disrespect. If he's going to be rude he can fend for himself.

The mind map to do list has really been a life saver/relationship helper.

[diggitydot]

If he's going to be rude he can fend for himself.

Same here. That kind of disrespect would cause all sorts or discomfort for DH.