Nagging

[ladymoreta]

Peggy, that's an interesting point. DH doesn't regularly miss the time frames that we set up. I'm with Niener - he's a grown man, and if he's mature enough to be a doctor, he should be mature enough to take care of chores that we agree upon. I don't know if your husbands are just taking advantage of you, or if they have some sort of attention disorder, but that is not the behavior of a responsible adult.

I just can't imagine all of these doctors behaving like this at work - "needing" constant reminders from nurses and attendings for important things. To me it sounds like a breakdown between spouses' communication rather than a personality trait.


Laurie

[PrincessFiona]

I'm not a nagger. I don't enjoy nagging and I also don't find it effective. I'm a natural consequences kind of gal....also, I'm a procrastinator, so if anyone in our family is nagging, it's dh nagging me. It gets on my nerves and makes me really upset when he does it. We have talked about this many times, and he is much less of a nagger now. He has sort of accepted that I will get to it when I get to it. One of the biggest sources of nagging for dh was about laundry being folded and put away. I have so much on my plate with the kiddos that laundry is at the bottom of the list. He is totally anal about it and wants it washed, folded, dried and put away within his time frame. He can't stand looking at a laundry basked with clean clothes in it waiting to be folded and put away. Me neither, but at the same time, I'm not a robot. I spend hours in my car every day driving kids where they need to be, I volunteer twice a week at Zoe's school, and there are so many tasks that I have. Our laundry is an overwhelming pile every day. 7 people make a lot of dirty clothes! My response to him was basically "I'll get to it when I get to it." It bugged him so much that he started doing his own laundry. He also has started to recognize how busy I am and now he throws in a load for me and helps out more with the kitchen etc. I'm so relieved and thankful for this because it makes things more manageable for me. I end up getting things done. He also encouraged me to hire someone to help me. She comes 2 x a month now and I always work while she does. We work together and I get everything done that I've put off because of being busy doing regular cleaning/driving etc. So ... I guess he really helped me by encouraging me to get someone to help. He understands that my energy levels are low, that I'm busy, and that I get overwhelmed by things sometimes....and that understanding (instead of nagging) has meant a lot to me. He approaches things with a "how can I help" attitude instead of "why don't you do x now" more and more. I can't tell you how very much this means to me. I used to get very defensive and upset when he nagged at me. It made me feel like he didn't understand how much I have on my plate and how hard I do work. I felt like he was treating me like a child.

On the other hand ...When he couldn't mow the grass in a timely fashion, I did it .... when it became to much for me, I hired it out. He complained that he was going to do it and I just told him it was worth it to pay someone so that this monkey was off of our backs. I understand that he is busy and tired when he gets home and that I don't have the time either....it was one of the best things that I did....this company has done our lawn now for about 7 years!

As far as the kids are concerned, I don't nag because I know how it feels to be nagged. I do gently remind them about things sometimes, but I try to avoid the nagging.

Kris

[SoonerTexan]

Tell me more about this mind map to do list...

DH asked me today if I had picked up the dry cleaning. I had said I would Friday but forgot (granted it was his clothes, but I said I would for whatever reason). I said, " you are so happy to have something to nag me about aren't you?" he nodded and smiled like a little kid

[ides]

It's called evernote. It's a free website & app. There's all sorts of hierarchies you can arrange. It's turned Dh into an organized person instead of a chaotic mess.

[PrincessFiona]

I think I'll try it for myself! LOL

[SoonerTexan]

Where are the men??

[MrsK]

^
They saw the thread title and went to hide in their man caves.

[ladymoreta]

^
They saw the thread title and went to hide in their man caves.

rofl!!!


Laurie

[bobk]

DW and I don't nag each other much at all. I handle most of the housework on my own. She only has about an hour or two per day at home (not sleeping anyway). I'd rather she spend that time with the kids than doing chores. We generally don't ask too much of each other. If so, we write it down on the fridge white board and other usually remembers to get it done.

I'll go back to the man-cave now......

[MrsK]

You're one of the good ones, Bob. Hope I didn't offend with my "man cave" crack.

In all seriousness, I must say "did you hear me?" Or "I just said that" 50 times daily. Even BabyK gets annoyed because, for instance, DrK will call him to the kitchen and not notice that the kid has been asking him to open the kitchen baby gate for the last 10 minutes.

[reciprocity]

I've never even thought of "nagging" it seems to me like a sitcom trope more than an actual human behavior.

Like if there's some communication about a task that needs to be done, it usually includes enough details that there's little ambiguity. "Can you do the dishes tonight?" "I can do them when I get home from work, but I'd rather just relax, can we put it off until tomorrow?" "Well, I'd hoped to have the stockpot clean for the soup I'm making tomorrow night." "Ok, I'll at least clean the stockpot tonight."

Then if I blow that task, I'm the one who is apologizing for not living up to the agreement, and so (ideally) she doesn't feel ignored or like there's some need to "nag". And that communication pattern surely goes the other way as often (with me requesting she help/complete a task).

I feel like that first exchange is the key one. It would be all too "easy" to just respond "yeah yeah" or "mmmhmmm" or "ok sure" when I really wanted to say "I can do it but I really don't want to" and that's when I get in trouble down the road, because if I don't actually want to do something odds are later when I'm like "ugh I don't want to do the dishes" my next thought to myself is going to be "they can probably wait till tomorrow" then you have an asymmetry of understanding and that means problems.

Just yesterday while J was in lab and I was at home and wanting to relax, I was like "I'll clean up the Kitchen a bit if I can find something decent to have on tv in the background, but if I can't I'll probably just do a load of laundry while I play Skyrim for a few hours." Which even though it might not sound like the most responsible way to spend the day, at least I said it aloud so she didn't come home like "why didn't you clean the kitchen?" And it gave her the chance to say "well, if you can at least empty the dishwasher that would be helpful."

[scrub-jay]

I love that perspective Reciprocity. Sometimes clearer communication could alleviate the nagging problem. There is more room for negotiation when both parties are upfront with their expectations/needs.

[Phoebe]

I nag occasionally when something gets out-of-hand. I do have micro-manage my kids because they lose focus easy. I try to do it subtlety like asking, "Are you to wear shoes to school today?" or reminding them how much time they have before the bus arrives.

I am a fan of natural consequences , so I let my kids decide when to wear a coat, etc.

Dh micromanaged me and I can't stand it.

[DCJenn]

During training- probably. Now? Not so much.

There's really not a lot of stuff to nag about in the grand scheme of things. Laundry- we both do it. Cleaning the kitchen- we both do it, although I am a bit more anal about it. Vacuuming and other house cleaning chores- I vacuum because I like to do it. (instantaneous reward for the effort) We are each responsible for our own vehicles. Mine is mostly clean and his is mostly awful. The stupid motorcycle- I said my piece when he bought the damned thing and then I upped his life insurance. If he's going to be an idiot, he's going to be a well-insured idiot.

The CHILD? All the time. Constantly. I'm a big believer in Natural Consequences but not getting the shoes on in time impacts when I get to work so I'm on him like stink on Limberger from the moment he's up until I drop his arse off in front of the school. On time.

J.

[alison]

I do it, and annoy myself... There's a fine line between nagging and reminding. If I don't tell dh to take his lunch to work, he forgets it, and then when he comes home, he asks "why didn't you remind me?"

Dh will tell you that I nag him from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. Yes, I even nag him to get to bed! He usually goes to bed at midnight and then has to get up at 5:45... I don't know how he survives on such little sleep!