Debate: Article on resenting your children

[bobk]

Really? Population DECLINE? Since when?

Not at the moment, but a lot of recent research suggests that the world population will begin to fall during our lifetimes. It's more that birth rates are in rapid decline. A lot of people are living longer now, which is what props up the population numbers. Declining birth rates are like the opposite of compound interest, at some point population numbers will fall off a cliff as a result, especially in Western countries.

[v-girl]

Signed, a happy mom who doesn’t think it’s selfish to have only one child, not breastfeed, and work and who thinks actually loving your kids *gasp* is more important than living according to some imaginary set of rules.

[Pollyanna]

I can guarantee you she's not saying anything that her husband and kids don't already know. It's not going to hurt them. Don't feel sorry for her kids; they have two very involved parents, both of whom love them very much, even if one of them is less emotionally invested than the other, which is a hell of a lot more than a lot of kids get. Just because the less-emotionally-invested parent doesn't happen to have a penis doesn't make their family more worthy of pity than any other.

Yes!!!

I'm sure most folks would think I would find this appalling but try as I might I just can't get there. I don't think this woman is all that different that a lot of parents. Sit at any sporting event, waiting room, school pick up line and just listen with the ears of a child. What do you hear, what do you see? Rolling eyes, sighs, complaints, parents clammoring for booze to get through the day, and on and on. If you think for a second that children don't feel that and recognize it then you're kidding yourself. Kids know how we view as role as parents whether we tell them or not. This reality is a daily reminder we as parents must realize and embrace.

I find the idea of being resentful of your children as this women claims to be silly. Children have absolutely no choice in the matter. Responsibility falls to the parents alone. No one forces you to have sex whether it be planned or a one night stand. You can regret your choices but to resent a child makes absolutely no sense.

In the end I believe what she wrote but also believe this to be more of an article to get people worked up and talking. Hell, she covers working/not working, onlies/multiples, children/no children, father as the emotional contracted parent/mother. I mean really, she's trying to provoke everyone.

[poky]

I find the idea of being resentful of your children as this women claims to be silly. Children have absolutely no choice in the matter. Responsibility falls to the parents alone. No one forces you to have sex whether it be planned or a one night stand. You can regret your choices but to resent a child makes absolutely no sense.

Kinda like resenting patients, as a sleep-deprived resident/attending, maybe?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Kinda like resenting patients, as a sleep-deprived resident/attending, maybe?

Or nurses who page you incessantly as an intern?

[bobk]

In the end I believe what she wrote but also believe this to be more of an article to get people worked up and talking. Hell, she covers working/not working, onlies/multiples, children/no children, father as the emotional contracted parent/mother. I mean really, she's trying to provoke everyone.

Totally agree with this and what ST wrote. Newspapers are desperate for revenue and this is exactly the type of article that brings them page views. I doubt the editors at the DM could care less about the meaning or implications of the ideas presented, as long as it gets attention.

[Ladybug]

On really hard days I can only seem to see what my kids are taking from me although I know in my heart they are giving me more...patience, humility, patience, truly sacrificial love which is painful because it has no self-interest, patience....and then more patience.. They are difficult and painful gifts, but being able to truly see them, usually after the fact and slowly over years, I can even feel grateful for them. I've found it's one thing to know it intellectually, another to witness the evidence of it over years of growth and finally knowing in the core of your being. It's been a journey. And it's not just through kids, although clearly kids have been my personal journey. Aging, sick parents, an unwell partner, frustrating chronic conditions...these are all "burdenous" responsibilities that suck up our time and independence, but in the end we will clearly see what they were actually giving/growing in us.

I remember praying to God to give me patience when DD1 was very young and myself a new mom. It seems like everytime I cried out for more patience I found out I was pregnant. That's how these things are given. You can open the gift or kick the box and refuse to open it like the writer has so far. Hopefully she will see it with gratitude someday.

[houseelf]

In the end I believe what she wrote but also believe this to be more of an article to get people worked up and talking. Hell, she covers working/not working, onlies/multiples, children/no children, father as the emotional contracted parent/mother. I mean really, she's trying to provoke everyone.

Yep. If this sort of pulp debate material is your thing try Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, The Heavy, or Bringing Up Baby. I *swear* I'm going to make millions by coming up with some salacious title on parenting that makes the Kardashians look normal. We fall for these "debates" hook, line, and sinker while the author/publisher laughs all the way to the bank.

In all seriousness, I loved reading your conversation points from many different angles here! I felt myself nodding to each and every one of you. One piece I don't think anyone has touched on is the fact that you really have no idea what parenting is going to feel like until you try it on for size. My friends IRL have often expressed that part of parenting has affected them in ways that they never could have seen. One of my besties from college who was *MADE* to be a SAHM absolutely adored her children but couldn't take the SAH part. She longed for her career and then felt guilty about not having more peace with SAH. After a six month maternity leave, she went back to work, hired a nanny, negotiated with her husband for him to reduce his hours, and has climbed her way to become CFO of a decent sized corporation. Believe me when I say she was the last person who any of us saw as the poster child for Working Mother magazine. These are the kind of revelations that I want to hear about. I felt like this could have been less sensational and more relatable had she written about her journey from the state of her reluctance to ever have kids to how some of her deepest fears came to fruition.

[v-girl]

I never wanted to be a SAHM. And then MS3 came along. I lasted 5 months of intern year. I never want to be a working mom again.

[moonlight]

I've always wondered what it would feel like to not want kids. Is this how folks like that feel? Being forced to have a child, they wouldn't care if the baby was near death at birth and calm about leaving the baby in town as you wandered off? Is not wanting kids about not having the urge to do it or about not wanting to give up something as this lady talks about? BTW that's the part that makes her seem really selfish to me.

[Pollyanna]

I felt like this could have been less sensational and more relatable had she written about her journey from the state of her reluctance to ever have kids to how some of her deepest fears came to fruition.

Agreed! I think women are afraid to say negative things about staying home OR working away from the home. I also think many women are afraid to own their decision and feel like they need to justify their life to other women.

I am odd in that I love both. I loved working while dh was in medical school, it's very empowering and validating on a regular basis. Staying home with kiddos can also be both of those things but in a different way. I also love staying home with my kiddos and really being in touch with their lives and all the day to day excitement that goes on. I've heard it said that some women feel like working makes them a better mother. For me, being a mother made me a better worker, but to the point where work took priority. I think it's healthier for my family when I'm home. Society would tell me that I'm not fulfilling my passion or I am sacrificing my career to stay home. I don't really see it that way. I'm beyond grateful to have a choice and can see the positive influence my presence has with our family. I'm am the stereotypical ambivert and a true Pollyanna, lol.

[mommax3]

Reading the article made me very sad for that entire family, and I hope it was written to be sensational instead of as an honest reflection.

I agree with Kelly that no one really knows how they will feel about parenthood until they actually are parents....and some of that has to do with the kids you have! I *always* knew I wanted to have kids, and I always planned on being a sahm. Probably my happiest days (not that I am unhappy now) were when my kids were anywhere from newborns to ages 3 or 4. I loved being with them and seeing them learning. When they went to school, though, I got really bored at home....it's no accident (looking back) that I went back to teaching part-time when my youngest was 4 and in pre-K. Being at home without my kids every day was just NOT appealing (although a day of that every once in a while now that I am teaching full time sounds like heaven!) I also think that if DH had a career that was less time-intensive and had more predictable hours, I would have been more likely to remain at home. I have never been sorry that I had my boys. I *have* been sorry that I don't have a girl, that we didn't have more kids, and that I thought DH and I would be able to handle a family + private practice OB/Gyn (he agrees with me there, btw). Like ladybug said, I have grown so much as a person because of my kids, although it has stretched me to my limits (and beyond)!

I know some people who have decided not to become parents. I respect them for knowing themselves well enough to know that parenting isn't for them. I am so far away from that mindset that it is hard for me to understand, but I don't judge them.

[ladymoreta]

I can't comprehend the amount of delusion from the author. She keeps saying she was a good mother because she did stuff, like SAH, breast feed, etc. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but that doesn't make someone a good mother. In fact, in her case, it sounds like it made her a worse mother. I wonder how her perspective on her "worst mistakes" would have changed had she just continued her career. I know lots of women who are better mothers *because* they work. I think she would have been. A child needs a mother who loves them much more than they need a mother who is just physically present.

And I agree that it's sad that she felt pressured into having not one, but two children that she didn't want. You can have a lovely, fulfilled life with or without kids, and it sounds like she's never owned her decision, just spent her life whining about it.

[diggitydot]

I think the gal was shockingly honest. What I find most fascinating at the peek inside her head is the rampant cognitive dissonance.

I actually don't take any issue with her resentments, per se, but her blame placement is off. I don't think she resents the kids. I think she resents the choices that she made with other people's happiness in mind when those choices were in direct conflict with her own happiness.

[HouseofWool]

I struggle with this. There are days that I KNOW that having a second child was the wrong choice. I think about how different life would be if I weren't tied down by a very young child. While I can't say that I regret having her, there are many days when the impact of that choice is more negative than positive. It sucks, and I would never, ever say that to her because she doesn't need that burden.

But, the article hits home for me.

And, I think that DD's analysis is spot on.