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Kids and strangers

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  • #1

    Kids and strangers

    This has been bugging me a little all week and my mom brought it up again--what do you think?

    Last weekend we were in church sitting in one of the back rows (there are multiple). It backs up to an exterior door. My mom attended the same mass and was with DH, me, and N. A middle aged woman and her husband were standing near the back by the door--it was crowded and they probably could have found seats if they tried, but it wasn't unusual for people to stand there. Others were. N of course doesn't sit still yet, so she was playing on the pew, walking back and forth between us, etc. Normal toddler stuff. The lady standing behind us seemed really into her and waved and smiled a lot. Near the end she picked up a toy N had dropped and I couldn't reach. Pretty normal and helpful.

    But at one point N was getting a little antsy and the lady came over and reached her arms out to pick up N. Lately she has been more responsive to strangers, but she just stared and DH or I picked her up instead. I cant really remember. I was uncomfortable, but I figured N wouldn't go to her and I didn't really know what to do. I hope I wouldn't have let her take her and I feel bad about it because I was trying not to offend the lady but I didn't want her to pick N up either. If she had picked her up I would have watched her like a hawk and I know N wouldn't have been okay with it.

    At any rate, later in the mass my mom asked if I knew her and I said no. Since then she has been really bothered by it and it did bug me too. Mainly because the woman was a stranger and standing so close to an exit. I'm inclined to think she was really just being nice, but my mom really felt something was off and for whatever reason it raised my spidey senses too.

    What do you think--total overreaction and the lady was just trying to help or never appropriate and off?
    Married to a newly minted Pediatric Rad, momma to a sweet girl and a bunch of (mostly) cute boy monsters.



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  • #2
    Even if she was harmless, ALWAYS listen to your spidey senses. Always.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by diggitydot View Post
      Even if she was harmless, ALWAYS listen to your spidey senses. Always.
      Yes.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
      Wife to Family Medicine attending, Mom to DS1 and DS2
      Professional Relocation Specialist &
      "The Official IMSN Enabler"

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      • #4
        She probably was being nice, that doesn't mean you have to allow it. I'm a very "don't rock the boat/ don't make a scene" person but my children are the exception. I just apologize for my neuroses with a smile and move on. It seems to disarm people a little bit and they back off (people often used to ask to hold her in airports quite a bit...mostly to be helpful in bathrooms and things but I almost always declined.)


        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
        Married to a Urology Attending! (that is an understated exclamation point)
        Mama to C (Jan 2012), D (Nov 2013), and R (April 2016). Consulting and homeschooling are my day jobs.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by diggitydot View Post
          Even if she was harmless, ALWAYS listen to your spidey senses. Always.
          Yup!


          Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod
          Jen
          Wife of a PGY-4 orthopod, momma to 2 DDs, caretaker of a retired race-dog, Hawkeye!


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          • #6
            I've been known to politely say, "I'm sorry, I don't know you and I've taught my daughter to not interact with strangers. I'm sure you can understand" Then smile and walk away.


            Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
            Wife to PGY4 & Mother of 3.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by diggitydot View Post
              Even if she was harmless, ALWAYS listen to your spidey senses. Always.
              Yes! And both you and your mom felt like something was off.
              Tara
              Married 20 years to MD/PhD in year 3 of MFM fellowship. SAHM to five wonderful children (#6 due in August), a sweet GSD named Bella, a black lab named Toby, and 1 guinea pig.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by TulipsAndSunscreen View Post
                She probably was being nice, that doesn't mean you have to allow it. I'm a very "don't rock the boat/ don't make a scene" person but my children are the exception. I just apologize for my neuroses with a smile and move on. It seems to disarm people a little bit and they back off (people often used to ask to hold her in airports quite a bit...mostly to be helpful in bathrooms and things but I almost always declined.)


                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
                This. I think people take a lot of liberties with children and don't think about it. Last weekend, we took the K Bros to Einsteins Bros for breakfast. (This is the boys new favorite thing to do. "Look, they're brothers! We're brothers!") We've been there several times in the last couple weeks. As we were preparing to leave, the boys were wandering around and one of the employees came upon K2. K2 has this irresistible cherub-like face these days and the employee bent down and kissed his cheeks! We were all sort of stunned and just quickly herded the boys out to the car. When we got to the car, K2 was wiping his face and both boys were shouting, "She kissed him/me! Why did she kiss him/me?!" Frankly, I was surprised that they waited until we left the store to react and I wouldn't have minded if they had freaked out in the store for that one. Now, I know that woman didn't mean to be creepy. It was an impulse on her part, the same impulse that causes people to grab the hands of infants or touch the bellies of pregnant women. But that doesn't mean that I cannot tell her not to kiss my children or that the boys cannot speak up and tell her not to touch them either.

                I got some really poison looks later that day for telling a woman working at the Jewish Art Festival not to photograph my children. The boys were participating in one of the kids' activities at her station and she was taking pictures, presumably for Facebook or something like that. Given my husband's like of work, we don't let strangers photograph or publish photos of our kids. We don't want the picture appearing in a public forum with a caption that says "DrK's children go to school at X" or "at the X neighborhood block party" or something like that. (While I know that in this day and age, this is nearly impossible to control, I can still try.) I stepped in between her and my boys and told her, "Please don't photograph my children." She was offended and denied that she was photographing them. We hung out for a while and she was clearly photographing other children but asking permission after I had confronted her.

                At the end of the day, it's better to be overprotective and risk offending a stranger than it is to be overly trusting and risk harm to your child.
                Wife and #1 Fan of Attending Adult & Geriatric Psychiatrist.

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                • #9
                  Stories like this one unnerve me.
                  http://jonathanturley.org/2013/07/01...ahoma-walmart/

                  He plucked the toddler out of the buggy while her older sister was standing there. He was crazy and so he handed mom a cell phone to call the police and pulled a knife on the 2yo. But if he ran off.....
                  Mom of 3, Veterinarian

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                  • #10
                    Everything MrsK said. Especially this:

                    Originally posted by MrsK View Post

                    At the end of the day, it's better to be overprotective and risk offending a stranger than it is to be overly trusting and risk harm to your child.

                    I never let strangers touch/ hold my kids.
                    Cranky Wife to a Peds EM in private practice. Mom to 5 girls - 1 in Heaven and 4 running around in princess shoes.

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                    • #11
                      I have never picked up another person's (stranger to me) child except when the child was lost or hurt ... at least not that I can remember. I don't think it's necessarily a creepy thing though. I had a moment when Aidan was a newborn where he was crying hysterically and I was trying to check out at Target and a strange mom came up to me and lifted him out of my arms and held him while I paid. She told me she had 7 kids and new how hard it could be. I didn't freely hand him over to her, btw...she literally plucked him out of my arms while I struggled for my wallet and to soothe him. We talked at length after I paid and I felt like it had truly been an act of kindness.

                      I think you are right to go with your gut on this one .....

                      Kris
                      ~Mom of 5, married to an ID doc
                      ~A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

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                      • #12
                        At first reading this, I thought that it didn't sound so weird, and I probably wouldn't have thought much of it. But then, when you said both you and your mom got a weird vibe from her, I think that's the difference. If a situation feels off, even if it shouldn't, listen to your instincts. We read so much more than we realize from body language.
                        Laurie
                        My team: DH (anesthesiologist), DS (9), DD (8)

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ladymoreta View Post
                          At first reading this, I thought that it didn't sound so weird, and I probably wouldn't have thought much of it. But then, when you said both you and your mom got a weird vibe from her, I think that's the difference. If a situation feels off, even if it shouldn't, listen to your instincts. We read so much more than we realize from body language.
                          This.
                          Veronica
                          Mother of two ballerinas and one wild boy

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                          • #14
                            I don't feel quite as crazy now
                            Married to a newly minted Pediatric Rad, momma to a sweet girl and a bunch of (mostly) cute boy monsters.



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                            • #15
                              Kids and strangers

                              Originally posted by ladymoreta View Post
                              We read so much more than we realize from body language.
                              Non-verbal communication is very telling. People frequently don't know why something feels "off" -- just that something doesn't feel right. That's because you've witnessed something in their body language that doesn't jibe with whatever is coming out of their mouth.

                              As I've gotten older, my already crappy hearing has decreased. I have to pay very close attention to body language (and lip reading, usually) to add some context to what little I hear. I also score crazy high on intuition on MBTI-type tests, maybe because of this? I dunno. But it's like being a human lie detector. When someone's body language is contrary to whatever is flowing from their pie-hole, they're lying to me.

                              Don't ignore your intuition. I've never known anyone who regrets following their gut.

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