I Call BS

[MrsK]

I'm typing on my phone while nursing so this is the abridged version, guaranteed to come out all wrong, and piss people off but I have no hope of getting near my computer and I need a good vent. So, I'm posting in debates in anticipation of the big misunderstanding, dog pile, shit storm that will follow. Sorry in advance.

Being a mom is NOT the most rewarding thing that I will do with my life. There, I said it. After a day of wiping up poo, navigating ear splitting tantrums from each of my children and from the naked wet octogenarian in the JCC locker room who had to confront me when attempting to change the boys for swim class in the "wrong" locker room with a howling hungry newborn in tow (perhaps I should have let K2 grab her towel), nursing until my nipples are raw, feeling guilty because rather than spending quality one on one time with my 4yo while the other two kids napped I did laundry while retuning phone calls and scarfing down lunch, and having every meal I made for the kids thrown on the floor, I had to politely listen while the mother's helper who had juat witnessed the last 4 hours of my day, wistfully lectured about how she believes that being a wife and mother is the most rewarding work I could do and how it is the absolute best way I can shape the world. This is coming from a naive 20 something who dropped out of art school because she felt too pressured. Sorry, I cannot accept that this thankless, tedious job is the most rewarding thing I'll ever do. Sure, it has it's moments but no one is throwing a party in my honor. Even in the unlikely event that one of these kids grows up to save the world or even if they grow up to be evil dictators who are forever infamous, that will be their accomplishment, not mine. There has to be a more effective way to have influence on the future of our world. It just feels condescending to be told that this is the absolute best I can do and I should be grateful that I get to wipe the ass of a potential leader while he screams at me for hours on end. I know that she didn't mean to upset me but I just wanted to shake her. Then I wanted to track down whomever told her that motherhood is the greatest thing to which she could aspire and kick him in the balls. It just left me feeling so angry and depressed.

Am I rambling? Does anybody understand what I'm trying to say?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 4

[JDAZ11]

I don't understand, but my own mother has mentioned this to me a few times.... Guess I'm not saving the world ha! But mostly she mentions it in the context of being really ready to go back to work... Or that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get married and have kids (although now she whines that she doesn't have grandchildren). I was a colicky baby.

[MrsK]

Mother Teresa was not a SAHM. She's had a much greater impact on the world than I have.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 4

[SoonerTexan]

Ir doesn't piss me off, but I disagree, at least at this point in my life. No one says it has to e your greatest accomplishment either.

But consider you are just a few weeks out of a very difficult pregnancy with a traumatic birth, taking care of toddler boys, while your husband adjusts to a new job. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed and pissed!

[GrayMatterWife]

Bad day, huh?

It is unclear to me why this is in Debates. Is this actually debatable? Of course you are right. The ongoing process of mothering young children will not be the most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life. It is dull, repetitive, messy, unglamorous, financial unrewarding, infuriating, time-consuming, humiliating, humbling, and immensely undignified a lot of the time. Your mother's helper is distinctly unhelpful.

But having mothered the best you can WILL be the most rewarding thing you will ever do. Unfortunately, it is a reward you can't feel most of the time while you are going through the suckiness of doing it.

And, you can't actually be worried about raising a dictator. Honestly...in all of history, can you name a Jewish dictator? I don't think chances are good that you'll raise the first! (That's a joke...crack a smile here...). Chances are far better that you are going to raise a doctor, lawyer, architect, politician, statesman, teacher, chef, artist, entrepreneur, or maybe even a rabbi. But, without a doubt, you are going to raise very good people.

[SoonerTexan]

Actually I don't even disagree. I don't really even feel like there is anything to argue. Just hugs. You are a great mom and your kids will be immeasurably touched by you, but they don't have to overshadow your pre motherhood accomplishments or the great things you will do when they are grown.

[Meenah]

I know what you are saying, and I could have written the same thing when I had two babies 20 months apart. You have probably read somewhere where I have mentioned the toddler stages: The Terrible Twos, The Trying Threes and The Fucking Fours. Yes, I had some dark days. I'll talk to you later about the teenage years. But, I have come out on the other side, and of all of the things I have accomplished, the one I am most proud of is my two beautiful, wonderful, "INDEPENDENT OF ME" daughters!!!! Motherhood is hard and its sucks a great deal of the time, and no one ever gives you credit at the time (unless it is negative credit). Vent away, we love you and we get you.

[diggitydot]

Being the at-home parent to two toddlers and and a brand-spanking new little nugget is my personal version of hell. That shit is ROUGH. :shudder:



It won't always be like this, though. And yes, what you do matters. Imagine their lives without you. Of course, what you're doing is important.

Stop comparing someone else's high-light reel to the behind-the-scenes view of your own life.

[HouseofWool]

Honestly, you are in the worst of parenting right now and you have three tiny humans who are ultimately dependent on you for every.damn.thing. I would be a complete wreck if I have 3 kids that close together. As in, put me in a padded cell. A high-needs pre-schooler, a really damn smart toddler/pre-schooler and a 3 week old infant? Honestly? I worry about PPD for you. I really do.

I will say now that C is 11, I finally am starting to see glimpses of the man he will ultimately become and I *like* him. But, it is only in the last 6-12 months that I feel like he is not a parasite and that he can meaningfully contribute to the family in any real way.

S just turned 5, and I feel like there is another 1-2 years of hard slog ahead. At least with my first, I really felt like once he hit first grade we entered this golden period, where parenting was more gentle guidance instead of mindless drudgery of the pre-school years.

But, no there is nothing inherently fulfilling about motherhood while you are actually in the midst of it.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Meenah]

But, no there is nothing inherently fulfilling about motherhood while you are actually in the midst of it.

A wise, wise woman!!!!

[HouseofWool]

A wise, wise woman!!!!

LOL - I dunno about wise, just exhausted.

[ladymoreta]

I can 100% relate. Since DH and I got engaged, I knew I wanted to be a SAHM when we had kids. I am very happy overall with the way it's worked out, and I don't think I would be as happy as I am now if I were working. That said, it feels totally worthless most days. Statistics show that it truly doesn't matter if I work or not, and I don't think my kids or husband would care either way. It's more stubbornness on my part - I waited all those years to be a SAHM, gosh darn it! Plus, with my earning potential and our location, my salary would almost all go to taxes if I were to get a job. I'm sorry I'm no help - I'm right there with you feeling useless. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

[Ladybug]

{{hugs}}

You're in such a hard stage. I don't miss it all all. I'll echo what Luanne said, and the mothers that have launched their children say it's so fun to interact with them as adults.

Small hijack, but I'm so tired of doing something for someone every.single.second. It's getting easier to set some personal boundaries as my kids get older (everyone is potty trained and BR independent) but your stage it's impossible…and exhausting.

I think statements such as "the most rewarding job" are usually made in moments of nostalgia, either childhood or adulthood. I have a feeling the perspective looks much different from the top of the mountain of motherhood.

[MrsK]

Thank you for not judging me. I think that I was bothered in part for the same reason that I'm annoyed by people who tell moms that we should cherish every moment with our kids without acknowledging that kids are jerks sometimes. I hate being made to feel guilty for wishing away the moments when my 2yo is punching me in the mouth and screaming that he hates me. In any relationship, it is not realistic to like each other all the time.

This annoyed me even more because it was coming from a young girl who naively believes that having her kids throw up on her will be blissful and that there is nothing else she can do in her life that will have a greater impact on the world. I mean, raising children to adulthood is pretty cool and being in love with your kids is amazing. Right now, I've chosen to be home with my kids and I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. But I just don't think that this has ad great an impact on the world as, for instance, teaching, volunteering, advocating in court for people who are voiceless, even building a skyscraper. Someone told this girl that motherhood is the best she can do. That she cannot go out into the world and make an impact on her own. It was just very depressing to me.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 4

[MrsK]

And, you can't actually be worried about raising a dictator. Honestly...in all of history, can you name a Jewish dictator? I don't think chances are good that you'll raise the first! (That's a joke...crack a smile here...). Chances are far better that you are going to raise a doctor, lawyer, architect, politician, statesman, teacher, chef, artist, entrepreneur, or maybe even a rabbi. But, without a doubt, you are going to raise very good people.

And this did make me chuckle. It does bother me though that this young woman doesn't see that SHE can have a much more immediate impact on the world by becoming a doctor, lawyer, architect, politician, statesman, teacher, chef, entrepreneur, or clergy. It's not that she cannot enjoy motherhood too or take a break from fixing the world to be a SAHM or even choose to be a SAHM instead. But she was saying that by raising your children to be those things was the best she could do as if going out into the world is not an option for her.

IDK what I'd say if my daughter believed that. She needs to know her own worth. That she is important on her own and not merely as a vehicle for others to achieve great things. That even if she chooses to be a SAHM, she can have an immediate impact on the world herself and you don't get to save the world by changing diapers.

Marriage and motherhood are not nirvana. It is better to undertake them knowing that they are hard work and not a happily ever after fairy tale.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 4