I Call BS

[Thirteen]

You are in the trenches, and sound like me, post-partum, after DS.
People told me to sleep when he slept, cherish every moment, etc - the problem was, he never slept, and it's hard to cherish every moment when you feel so isolated and overwhelmed. Infancy did a number on me.

Can you get any distance or down time? Easier said than done, I know.

You are a great mother, and I'm sorry things are so rough right now.


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[L.Jane]

First off, those ladies in the ladies locker rooms at the JCC are MEAN. If you use the ladies locker room with kids instead of the kids one, they will always bite your head off. Ignore those grumpy old women. As a kid I was super scared of that locker room.

Second, you are in the midst of the worst years just like Meena said, Its truly the terrible twos, trying threes and the fucking fours.. They have all these words and feelings and have no idea how to understand them. Plus they have no control over their bodies. Its a frustrating time and you have a whole gaggle of them. Yes I know, I dont have any of my own yet, but as a nanny I have helped with many kids( and for the past three years been working with three kids in that age range), and I would NEVER ever lecture the mother. Sure I have had times I dont agree, but I keep my mouth shut, because every mother is doing the best they can, and you are doing a great job. You are right, its not glamorous, and as I say to my husband when I am angry with him, I may love you, but right now I dont like you very much. You will always love your kids but you do not have to like them every moment. Especially when they are being little butt heads.

In the end, I just give you HUGS and hope you can get some "Me" time soon.

[MrsK]

Can you get any distance or down time? Easier said than done, I know.

Yeah. I really can't get away from Lambie now because she's nursing around the clock and I cannot leave all three kids with anyone now. Too much chaos. It's even too much for DrK.

The other day, MILK was irritated that I couldn't give her my undivided attention on the phone and asked when is a good time to call (so she can call every day at nap time like she used to). I knew she would think I was just being mean if I told her that I don't expect to have an uninterrupted phone call until Lambie starts kindergarten so I just told her that this is my life now. I have three small kids and I will be forever pulled in three directions so if she wants to talk, she has to accept that I may be multitasking.

Also, I'm sick of having a chaperone everywhere. I'm still not cleared for driving so I cannot leave the house unless the nanny can drive and that means bringing the nanny and three kids everywhere. So, I cannot get a manicure or sit in Starbucks or go shopping. The most alone time I've had lately is darting into the pharmacy or post office while the nanny waits in the car with the kids.

On one hand, I cannot wait to have my privacy back and on the other hand I'm worried about juggling three on my own. The other day, I made cookies with them and it was like having a bunch of chimpanzees in my kitchen. Even with the nanny there, the boys were climbing on the counter and sticking fingers in the batter, I still ache when I stand too long and cannot twist quickly or lift the boys so I'm going half speed. They are just so busy all the time and even with the nanny, baking cookies was a messy exasperating experience. Then, the boys are also grumpy, complaining that Lambie wakes them at night so there is a whole other level of crazy.



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[PrincessFiona]

Emily,

A young girl fantasizing about what motherhood will be like is just clueless. I'd just let that go. She doesn't know what she doesn't know ... and someday, she will learn. I had an attending here who was desperate to get married and start a family. Her plan was to work part-time to "bake cookies and play games." She often fantasized out loud to me during some of my hardest parenting times. Guess who has 3 kids but works full-time by choice because work is easier? yup. She learned. LOL

I remember being where you are. There were times that I came to iMSN feeling broken and battered by parenting. I thought I was doing something wrong because I was supposed to feel like I was making the greatest contribution in the world and instead I felt lonely, isolated, exhausted, worn out, angry, resentful and completely spent. Raising kids is the hardest thing that I've ever done. I stumbled through months of sleepless nights and toddler messes wishing I could just go back to work and feeling guilty for my feelings. I understand how you feel. I wish I could hug you.

I'm on the other side now ... at least with part of my little pack of wild ones. I have the long view and as I look back, I feel that parenting was the most important thing that I could have done with my life...it just was sometimes so thankless, so hard ... that it didn't feel good. Now, as one child has started to leave the nest and the other is preparing to this year, I regret spending so much time wishing years away because I was overwhelmed and exhausted. It gives me an all new appreciation for how I spend my time with my littlest ones who I still have many more years with.

Take care of you. Hopefully, you'll be driving soon and life will return to a more recognizable routine. Watch yourself for signs of depression. PPD can sneak up on you and make things much harder. Ask for help where you can. See if the nanny can help watch the boys so that you could nap with lambie if possible. Don't make cookies in the kitchen with the boys just now. Keep it simple.

*Hugs*

Kris

[Meenah]

The nanny is young and naïve. She may have actually in her own way been trying to express that she admires what you are doing and probably thought she was paying you a compliment. Before I knew better, I had a romanticized idea of marriage and motherhood, then I got married and had kids!!!

[Meenah]

When they were toddlers it was actually relaxing to go to the hospital and spend 8 hours in the Emergency Room!!!!!!

[MAPPLEBUM]

MrsK I do want to say perhaps there is something else at play. I often find when I'm annoyed or upset by a situation or person that means I need to either find creative ways to change my situation OR a creative/subtle way to teach that person. I was a mothers helper to a woman in high school who became an invaluable support and mentor. She shared her thoughts with me, her struggles, beliefs, questions. As a young person with many many questions her openness and transparency made her an invaluable part of my development. Now as an adult and teacher I never know when my influence can change the direction of a young person's life, but on a long enough timeline I know it's bound to happen. Perhaps part of what you are feeling is that your mothers helper needs something else from you?

You might already have that dynamic with her, but the way you put her monologue about becoming a mother leads me to think you just listened and didn't exactly respond. Perhaps what she's needing is a little guidance from a wise mother

[HouseofWool]

When they were toddlers it was actually relaxing to go to the hospital and spend 8 hours in the Emergency Room!!!!!!

Awesome!

Truly, there so many days where it is easier to deal with the chaos of work because it is more predictable than the chaos of pre-schoolers.

[bobk]

MrsK, first off, sorry you are really struggling right now. BTDT with two kids and I know how much it sucks. It doesn't help to have grouchy old ladies and naive young ladies making comments in the midst of all that. Two comments:

1. I do believe that motherhood is the most important role for a woman with children. However, this applies to both a stay at home mom and one who chooses a high profile career that has a positive impact on other people. Secondly, it applies equally to men and fatherhood.

2. We ought to be careful about measuring success as having one of those high profile jobs that have a big impact on society. Very few people are able to get a quality education and succeed in a professional career no matter how hard they work at it. If someone can't, there will always be a need for lower-profile work, especially work that is done well. Somebody has to mow the lawns, clean toilets, plow the streets, change diapers, etc. In the whole scheme of things, these folks are equally valuable and contribute to society in other ways.

[SoonerTexan]

And this did make me chuckle. It does bother me though that this young woman doesn't see that SHE can have a much more immediate impact on the world by becoming a doctor, lawyer, architect, politician, statesman, teacher, chef, entrepreneur, or clergy. It's not that she cannot enjoy motherhood too or take a break from fixing the world to be a SAHM or even choose to be a SAHM instead. But she was saying that by raising your children to be those things was the best she could do as if going out into the world is not an option for her.

IDK what I'd say if my daughter believed that. She needs to know her own worth. That she is important on her own and not merely as a vehicle for others to achieve great things. That even if she chooses to be a SAHM, she can have an immediate impact on the world herself and you don't get to save the world by changing diapers.

I guess I disagree with this, but only slightly. She is naive, but if she raved about the glory of Big Law and how awesome it was going to be, would you think she was any less delusional? I think that kind of thinking can apply to any career. That, and I think motherhood is as valuable as other "professions" and does makes an impact on the world--not because of the impact your child might make later, but because I truly believe providing a safe, loving childhood is a damn hard thing to provide and inherently valuable in itself. And very few people are going to applaud you for it, at least regularly.

By the way, even Mother Teresa experienced some pretty dark moments. No walks around fulfilled and full of joy at what they do 100% of the time.

But again, hugs and take care of yourself. Give me 3 weeks and I'll be right there with you

[MrsK]

I guess I disagree with this, but only slightly. She is naive, but if she raved about the glory of Big Law and how awesome it was going to be, would you think she was any less delusional? I think that kind of thinking can apply to any career. That, and I think motherhood is as valuable as other "professions" and does makes an impact on the world--not because of the impact your child might make later, but because I truly believe providing a safe, loving childhood is a damn hard thing to provide and inherently valuable in itself. And very few people are going to applaud you for it, at least regularly.

By the way, even Mother Teresa experienced some pretty dark moments. No walks around fulfilled and full of joy at what they do 100% of the time.

I've never thought that someone hoping to make an impact practicing law was delusional. It was the people who thought they'd make easy money practicing law who were naive. But if someone was willing to work hard and wanted to do meaningful work, I could point them toward all kinds of meaningful work.

When they came to work the next day, the work they did the day before had not been undone. They could point to city landmarks and say they did that. They could identify dozens of foster children who were safe and educated because of their work. They could protect society from criminals or make certain that those who are accused have a fair trial. They could make legislation, advocate for clean water, save the whales.

My comment about Mother Teresa was not that she was always fulfilled or that her job was easy. My point was that this girl thinks that the ONLY way she has influence is through raising her children. Mother Teresa is just one example of a woman who had a measurable impact on the world without having children. This girl sincerely believes that repeatedly telling my toddler not to pick his nose is the most meaningful and rewarding work I can ever do.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

My point was that this girl thinks that the ONLY way she has influence is through raising her children.

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Did she say that? That the only way to have influence was through her kids?

Or did she say/imply it was a major way?

I have what many would consider to be a "high power" career. I'm partner track in an extremely successful boutique consulting firm well known across the industry that we focus on. I still think my children are a more meaningful legacy for me personally on the way I make my mark on the world. Like ST said, it's definitely a hard, often slogging job, but it's definitely more meaningful to me in the long run than my career. I don't think my profession is making the world better - maybe that's the difference and yours was - my profession is a service and its interesting and economically valuable but it pales in comparison on the importance of my ability to positively impact the world if I raise moral, passionate, and kind human beings for the next generation.

I guess I believe my ability to impact the whole world is relatively small (statistically speaking, not that many people impact the world...) so my kids are really the most likely impact I'm going to have.

She's young and looking at things with rose colored glasses. You're exhausted and have murky, toddler fingerprint smeared glasses. Just different places in life, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[MrsK]

Did she say that? That the only way to have influence was through her kids?

Or did she say/imply it was a major way?

She did. She dropped out of college because she didn't know what to do with her degree. She said that people try to talk to her about having a career but she cannot imagine that there is anything more meaningful to do with her life or any way she can have a greater impact on the world than by raising her children. There is nothing before or after babies.



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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

She did. She dropped out of college because she didn't know what to do with her degree. She said that people try to talk to her about having a career but she cannot imagine that there is anything more meaningful to do with her life or any way she can have a greater impact on the world than by raising her children. There is nothing before or after babies.

Well, then it works for her. That's fine - obviously doesn't work for you but I doubt anything you say will convince her otherwise...you know how much college kids want to listen to us older folks...

Honestly though, if that's what she wants and doesn't want to get a degree, it might be better that she drops out rather than spending tons of money taking a million classes that don't amount to anything but debt. I know lots of people who get into trouble that way. They go to school because you're supposed to, not because they want to/know what they want to do. I feel like holding off until you know what you want and THEN investing in a degree is wise for some people. For me, I knew I wanted a degree so I just needed to figure out in what but that isn't for everyone.

[diggitydot]

For her, maybe there IS nothing else that she'd rather do that she views as valuable as being a good mom. That's OK. That's her path to figure out. It doesn't make it any less viable of a life choice than any others FOR HER.

She's young and may change her mind over the years. That's OK. Some of us began careers outside the home and never dreamed of becoming at-home parents. People change their minds. And that's OK.

We can all make a difference on our world. Whether we can point to something tangible to show it is irrelevant to our impact.